Potions and Snitches
Snape and Harry Gen Fanfiction Archive

Chapter 51 - Totems

-II-

"It's also a very family orientated totem, like Light Arrow's otter. The swan stands for good parental features. I really want to have children later, and I want to be a good mother." She looked thoughtful, and eventually Harry found the courage to take her hand and squeeze it lightly.

"I'm sure you will be a wonderful mother, Mel."

Shyly she smiled at him, not knowing what to say or do. She just looked into his green eyes which had fascinated her from the beginning. The wonderful moment was broken by Draco's cries for Severus to look at whatever he had in his hands. Quickly Harry let go of Melissa's hands and both teenagers blushed and looked down at their hands shyly. Harry didn't dare to look over to Black Hawk. He was sure he would get quite the talk for his behavior.

-II-

"... and your wolf means power. Isn't it cool what she told me about our totems?"

"Powerful," Draco whispered lost in thoughts.

"Yeah," Harry said cheerfully and petted Draco's shoulder.

"What's going on here?" Severus asked when he sat down beside Harry. The campfire was burning and it slowly got darker. Melissa and Rose had stayed in the house after supper, and only Red Horse had come outside with them, but had quickly vanished inside one of the stables.

"I told Draco what Melissa told me about our totems. Light Arrow said my totem is a red-tailed hawk. Melissa said it is similar to your raven."

Severus smirked and ruffled Harry's hair. "Yes, a bit."

Harry beamed.

"What about our wolf over there. What do you think about your totem?"

"It's cool. Melissa says it stands for sense of family, but also for strength and power." Draco proudly puffed his chest out.

"Yes, that's right. A very family orientated totem like Light Arrow's otter."

"What else does the otter mean and what is White Cloud's totem?"

Black Hawk who finally sat down beside them, explained, "The otter is an animal which represents a strong sense of family. It is a very agile and attentive animal. It detects danger immediately and always defends it's family no matter how big or strong the enemy is. It's a miracle how it always knows if something is wrong or if a family member is in danger and needs help. When I first heard about Light Arrow's totem, I thought it didn't fit him because I only saw a funny, frolicking animal in an otter, but then I heard the meaning of it, now I think it fits him very well."

"Yes, it is perfect for him. What is yours and White Cloud's?" Harry asked curiously.

"Mine is a mustang. Wild and free. I don't think it fits me much. I've never really been free." Black Hawk's answer was filled with bitterness.

"You know it doesn't always stand for what you are. Only when you really live as you desire and when you are one with your totem you will act according to it's meaning. But you can't deny that your greatest wish is to be free and independent," Severus said, trying to stop Black Hawk from falling into a bad mood.

"And yet I'm still here," Black Hawk said, defeated.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "I thought we already talked about it and now everything is cleared?"

Black Hawk groaned. "Yeah, sure, but still I don't think it fits me very much. A horse."

"A mustang, Black Hawk," Severus corrected him. "It stands for power and the ability to lead. In my opinion this fits you very well. If you are honest you know that you are the second in command here. Light Arrow thinks highly of you."

"Ach," Black Hawk said grumpily, and Harry could swear he saw him blush a bit.

Severus grinned. "White Cloud's totem is an owl as you wanted to know. It stands for wisdom and the ability to stay calm in almost every situation. White Cloud has an answer to almost any question, and she displays an impressive calmness even in situations of great stress."

"So Light Arrow and White Cloud are really like their totems," Harry said, and Draco nodded in agreement.

"We already know Red Horse's totem, but can you tell us Rose's?" Draco asked curiously.

"No, Rose needs to tell you personally. White Cloud and Light Arrow have no problem with everyone knowing their totems, but Rose is a bit quirky about it. Just ask her personally, and I'm sure she will tell you," Severus explained.

"What does Red Horse's lizard stand for?" Draco asked and looked at Severus questioningly.

"The lizards stands for a loner. He is more bond to an area than to the people around him. Red Horse is very independent, even so he decided to live here forever. It also stands for strength and tactic. I'm not sure about those features and Red Horse. He often is a mystery."

"Yes, sometimes you can't interpret a totem completely. Once we had a boy here whose totem was a snail. He got only one vision of it in his last sweat lodge, and he needed some time to tell Light Arrow about it. The boy was a great hunter and overall more extroverted, nevertheless his totem was a snail. Unbelievable," Black Hawk added.

"The problem is you never can look deep into someone. Some people bury their deepest dreams and wishes even too deep for to find by themselves. That's why some people never see their totem or need a very long time to do so. If you bury it so deep, you also don't act according to it. Your experiences and rational thinking have taken over too much and have changed the way you would live or wish to live naturally. Maybe the boy never really wanted to be in the middle of all the attention. Maybe he wished to be small and unnoticed. Nobody knows." Black Hawk looked into the fire deep in thoughts.

"What happened to him?" Harry asked seeing Black Hawk's reaction.

"He killed himself two years after he left. One of the few we couldn't really help." Black Hawk steadied his elbows on his knees and let his head sink in his hands.

"Yes, but there are so many more you helped. Light Arrow always says that the past can't be undone and sometimes the past has already done too much damage to overlay it with good experiences and love," Severus said to his brother.

Black Hawk sighed, but then nodded. "Yes, you are right!"

"Of course I am and now let us drop this topic and look if our fire potatoes are ready," Severus suggested.

Immediately Draco and Harry leaped up and grabbed for the sticks to get the tin foil-wrapped potatoes out of the fire. Severus stood up as well to help the boys and on his way to them he squeezed Black Hawk's shoulder.

Black Hawk nodded again and then went over to the small box White Cloud had given them. It contained some knifes, spoons and salt.

Harry spooned the contain of the potato with relish. It was one of the best things he had ever eaten. He loved this fire potatoes. Outside they were black, but inside they had a lovely roast aroma. The only problem was that Harry always burned his tongue and palate with the first potato because he couldn't wait until it had cooled down.

When they had finished, Black Hawk petted Harry's shoulder. "Let's have a walk!"

Oh no, what would that mean? Harry's heart sank into his boots. Reluctantly he stood up and threw a help seeking look over to Severus, but the man pretended to not notice it. After a few steps, Black Hawk laid his hand in Harry's neck and the boy gulped. "Ehm, Black Hawk, I-"

"Wait, let's go over to the gate there and sit down."

"Okay." Harry dreaded the talk that would come now. He could guess what it would be about.

"I want to speak with you about Melissa." Bang! There it was. Harry could feel his face flush and his heart beating so hard as if it wanted to jump out of his chest.

"Ehm..."

"I know you are interested in her. The way you look at her and how you act around her. Don't get me wrong, I can understand you and it is natural to be interested in her, but there is also a great part of me that is worried, very worried about it."

"Why?"

"Because you are far from healed, Harry. We only started. I was so glad when we finally made progress. You started to speak with Light Arrow and me about a few things you never spoke about before, and I have the feeling you slowly start to trust us. I fear this all will break when you start to concentrate too much on Melissa. You will try to impress her and play the hard guy again. Harry we struggled hard to lower those masks and get some small holes in the big wall you have put up around you."

"Nothing will change just because I like Melissa. She is really... sweet. I get those warm feeling in my stomach when I'm around her. It feels good Black Hawk. I never felt like this around someone else. Our talks are something special. We are so alike and she understands me. Please don't take this away from me."

"I don't want to take anything away from you, Harry. I'm just worried that you will put those damn masks up again to play a role for Melissa to impress her."

"I don't need to impress her, Black Hawk. I sometimes have the feeling she knows me better than I know myself. She won't hinder me on going on with what we started. I promise you! The moments with her a so... so special. I can't even express it, and now she gave me this dream catcher. She didn't push me to tell her about my dreams, she just wanted to help me. I like this, Black Hawk. I... I like her."

Black Hawk sighed. "Harry, I'm the last one to not understand your feelings. I know that it is something special to start to fall in love with someone, but you are not healthy. I want you to be very careful. No matter how the relationship between you and Melissa will develop, you need to look after yourself first priority. And be careful with her as well, Harry. She is very fragile and a broken friendship or love relationship is the last thing she needs now. I know you don't think about the end already, but I want you to contemplate if you really think this can last. Now is not the time for experiments."

"Black Hawk, we aren't a couple or so. I... I... I don't know what to say." This was completely weird. How should he think about the end now when they hadn't even got started really. Okay there was this kiss, but Melissa had quickly changed the topic when Harry wanted to speak about it. So Harry didn't know where they stood in their 'relationship.'

"You don't need to say anything right now. I just want you to think about it. Light Arrow will certainly speak with you about it as well. If this will become something more than just friendship we too will have another talk before you do anything stupid. Am I understood?"

Harry was glad that it was dark and Black Hawk couldn't see his red face. "Ehm... I already know about the birds and the bees."

Black Hawk grabbed Harry's neck and squeezed it lightly in a warning. "You will not even think about the birds and the bees in the next few month, Harry. A kiss here and there and this fluffy little feeling in your stomach is everything you will think about in that matter for a very long time. Nevertheless I will make sure you really know everything you need about the birds and the bees for much later. Much much later."

"I got it, Black Hawk."

"I hope so!" Black Hawk growled for some time beside him, and Harry had no clue what to do or say. "The Birds and the bees," Black Hawk grumbled and gave Harry a light tap on the back of his head. "Let's go back to the campfire. It's getting cold."

/

"And then he said I should not even think about it for the next few month."

Draco snickered. His sleeping bag was directly beside Harry's. "I have to write Hermione about it."

"I will kill you if you do so," Harry said loudly.

"I said you two shall sleep and not talk," Severus bellowed over to them.

They paused shortly, but then started to talk very softly again. "Promise me to not tell Hermione!"

"Why? She will be happy for you."

"She will squeeze every little detail out of me and annoy me with messages all the time about how things are going and so. Please, Draco!"

"Yeah, yeah, but I don't see why this is all such a big thing."

"Shall I tell Melissa that you fancy Hermione and can't wait until she comes here to tell her about your feelings?"

"Feelings? Are you stupid. What are you talking about?"

"Ha! Like I said. You deny it, but you already told me that I'm right about you and Hermione a few weeks ago."

"I just said I like her. I never said that she likes me or that I have feelings for her."

"To like someone is a feeling."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Ye-" A shadow over his and Draco's face made Harry stop mid-sentence. Severus loomed over them with his arms crossed over his chest.

"Harry, turn the other way!" Severus instructed.

Harry groaned, but obeyed.

"And now you two sleep!"

"Yes!" both boys replied grumpily.

Draco couldn't sleep but didn't dare to speak with Harry again. The last topic was unpleasant for him, and Severus and Black Hawk had sat down closer to them. Did he have feelings for Hermione. Yes, of course. He had, but did she? Draco never could read anything like this out of Hermione's messages, but Harry had teased him very often about passages he thought showed that Hermione liked him more than just a friends. What if Harry was wrong? Draco didn't dare to ask Hermione. What if she would stop writing to him? No, he couldn't risk this. He also didn't know if he would have the courage to do anything to find out if there is more than just friendship when Hermione would come here with Professor Dumbledore. Draco knew the feeling Harry had when he sees Melissa. It's the same when Draco saw a new message from Hermione on his messenger. He envied Harry to be able to see Melissa's face while he communicated with her. Draco wished he could see Hermione. A picture of her in the middle of Draco and Harry was always under Draco's pillow and he looked at it each night before he went to sleep. This night he couldn't look at it and already missed it.

The difference between his and Harry's feelings was that Harry just felt good when he saw Melissa. Unlike Draco who always had bad feelings as well. He was immediately reminded of his scars and the cruel hands of the Death Eaters and his father on him, which had him tainted and soiled for his whole life. How could Hermione love someone like him? She didn't know everything, but she knew about the rape. The newspapers had spread it very enthusiastically. So she knew how dirty he was. How could she even want to touch his tainted flesh? No, when Draco thought about sex ore even just touching Hermione, no Hermione touching him, he got sick. No, that could never happen, but he wanted to be with her. Just see her face, her lovely smile and her warm chocolate brown eyes. He could loose himself in them and everything already felt much better and easier when she was around. She always knew an answered or she would look for one until she found it. She was wonderful. Holding her hand, yes, that was something Draco wanted to do very, very much. Holding her hand and getting lost in her brown doe-like eyes.

Light Arrow and Rose had tried to speak with him about his future plans regarding a sexual life, but he had blocked up vehemently whenever they mentioned it. He blocked so hard that he didn't open up for several days afterward, but nevertheless, they tried again and again after a short break. It was exhausting, and Draco feared every time they met for their talking sessions that this would be one of those days again. Why couldn't they be happy with what he told them? He had told them much more then he had told the therapist in England. He had even told them more about his bad feelings and fears during the torture in the dungeons than he had ever told Harry. Only Severus knew it all. Only the parts Draco didn't realize for himself at the moment, Severus also didn't know. The feelings caused by the abuse and betrayal of his own father. Those feelings were so difficult and painful that Draco's subconscious had locked them deep down in his mind. They could only come to the surface of his consciousness if he had worked on his other bad feelings and memories. Until then they would stay hidden even for Draco himself.

So Draco lay awake with these emotions burning in his chest. He wanted to cry out of desperation. Wasn't he punished enough with what they had done to him in the dungeons? Did this have to effect him even now and especially with Hermione? It was so unfair. He just wanted to be happy, but he never could be happy with Hermione or any other girl because he was soiled. Maybe it would be better to forget Hermione. Just the thought of it ripped a big hole into his soul, but it was the only way. In his sleeping bag Draco silently let the tears fall.

Harry lay awake as well. His thoughts were with Melissa. What if he hurt her? This warm feeling in his stomach and chest whenever he met her was so amazing, and he didn't want to give it up, but he also never wanted to hurt her. She had kissed him and set many small butterflies free in his stomach by doing so. He could still feel her lips on his when he closed his eyes and thought back to that moment. It was great and wonderful, and Harry wanted to have it again, but wasn't it selfish to want it. Would it hurt her? No, maybe he could even help her. He would help her to eat and love herself again. Then Black Hawk and Light Arrow would see that he was good for her. Yes, that was a plan, and Harry loved it when he had a plan.


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