Ron and Hermione were in the basement kitchen, both desolately staring into lukewarm cups of tea. Molly had been inconsolable. The twins and Ginny had opted to take their mother upstairs and try to soothe her, while still dealing with their own grief. Ron had clung desperately to Hermione as soon as she had come out of the Professors’ room. He didn’t know how long they stood together and cried. Ron had been the one to suggest the tea, but it tasted like ash in their mouths.

What felt like hours later, Remus came into the kitchen, his face pale and drawn with red rimmed eyes and dishevelled hair.

“Oh, there you two are. I wanted to check on you both.”

Hermione’s eyes instantly filled with tears as she quickly stood from the table and moved around it. Remus automatically opened his arms to her, feeling his eyes prickle with tears once more. Ron’s eyes met the older man’s from across the table, and Remus gestured to Ron that it was ok to join the impromptu group hug.

“How can you worry about us, Professor?” Ron asked, his voice hoarse from all of the crying he’d already done. He had walked around the table and wrapped himself around Hermione, allowing Remus to gently squeeze his shoulder to comfort him.

“Because in a way, you’re all my children too. Severus is too upset to really think about anyone else, but I hardly blame him. It’s just…such a shock. I had no idea Harry had even thought about doing such a thing.”

“None of us did. Oh, how did we miss it? Every time we tried to get him to research a way, he’d lead us back into looking up a way to destroy the Horcruxes. He’d had it all planned!” Hermione wailed, her panic rising once more. Ron hugged her tighter and felt the Defence Professor’s other arm wrap around them both.

“Shh, Hermione…”

There was nothing else to say, no reassurances that it wasn’t their fault. They all thought it, all felt it; they all blamed themselves for Harry’s decision, but none of them were willing to vocalize it. The kitchen door opening alerted them that they weren’t alone in the house, and they were all surprised to see the Potions Master, looking about a hundred times worse than Remus did.

Before Severus could get a single word out of his mouth, a loud crashing noise and a very quiet moan startled them all. With eyes as wide as galleons, they all turned as one to stare at the door leading to Severus’ potions lab. Remus and Severus both had their wands drawn and were moving towards the door, their hearts in their throats.

“What in Merlin’s name…?” Ron muttered as he and Hermione moved slowly behind their professors, their wands out as well.

Severus lit his wand as he pushed open the door of the lab, letting the light bleed across the floor. What looked like shards of glass glittered back at them, and with a jolt, Severus realized it was ice. The same ice he had placed over Harry. With a sharp flick of his wrist, the overhead lights in the lab flared to life, lighting the entire room.

The cauldron-turned-bathtub that Harry had laid in was on its side, the ice crystals scattered about. The black sheet, however, was gone. And so was Harry.

“What in the hell? He’s gone!” Severus shouted, turning towards his husband, who was staring into the corner at the desk chair Severus used occasionally. Sitting in the chair was Harry, the black sheet draped around him, his skin still deathly pale and his hair caked with dried blood. His eyes, those emerald orbs that glowed like poison…his eyes were open.

“Harry!” Hermione shrieked, breaking away from Ron to run towards the chair. Remus caught her by the middle, however, and held her back.

“Wait! Something isn’t right, here. Harry was dead; not on the cusp of being saved, but absolutely dead. That cannot be Harry,” Remus reasoned, his voice shaking as he felt the spike of hope in his heart that he was wrong. Had Severus used the stone after all?

Harry shivered and pulled the sheet tighter around himself, still struggling to regain his warmth after being caked in ice for hours. He offered a weak smile, reaching a hand out towards his parents. His arm was covered in dried blood as well, but the wound from the blade was curiously healed. “It’s me, Moony. I suppose I have a lot of explaining to do.”

Severus gaped, wondering if he had actually gone round the twist in his grief. Hearing his son’s voice, the very son he had found dead just hours ago, sent a shock of both grief and happiness up his spine.

And then the anger registered.

Harry was alive? How? He had killed himself! The little bastard had torn Severus’ heart in two, nearly rending his mind apart with grief as well, and then he was going to sit there and grin like he’d been caught with his hand in the biscuit tin?

“What in Merlin’s bloody name possessed you to do such a foolish, ridiculous thing Harry James Potter Snape?” Severus all but shrieked, causing everyone in the room to flinch at the volume and harshness in his voice. He felt Remus clutch at his arm, but he roughly shook his husband off.

“Do you have any idea what your stupid Gryffindor martyrdom did to us all? I was this close to following you to the grave! How could you be so selfish, so moronic? What the hell is wrong with you?”

Remus finally managed to tug Severus back, holding him firmly against his chest. He could feel his husband’s chest heaving in utter rage as he spat vitriol at the son they had thought they’d lost. Remus could feel tendrils of indignant anger at Harry as well, but his joy over Harry being alive eclipsed any other emotions. Severus, however, had a much larger capacity for rage.

“Severus, calm down! Give him a chance to breathe.”

“I gave him plenty of chances to breathe! He decided breathing wasn’t Gryffindor enough for him, or don’t you remember finding his dead, bloody body in our bathroom?” Severus snapped, turning his anger onto his husband instead. He wanted to throw things, to pound his fists into the wall and watch glass shatter. Just as his anger was reaching critical mass, his felt an alarmingly cold hand clutch at his arm.

“Dad…I’m so sorry, but I can explain everything. Just give me a chance. I’m sorry.”

“I can’t even look at you right now,” Severus snapped as he pulled himself away from Remus and made a quick escape away from his son, away from the miserable mix of joy and fear and guilt that threatened to completely consume him.

With a broken sob, Harry ran out of the room too, the black sheet descending slowly to the floor as Ron, Hermione, and Remus all stared blankly at the door.

“What in Merlin’s name…?” Ron muttered, snapping Remus and Hermione back to themselves.

“Someone should go check on Harry,” Hermione insisted, pulling her wand out and putting the lab back to rights. Her mind simply couldn’t fathom everything that had just happened. How was Harry alive? Why was Professor Snape so angry?

“Would you mind, Hermione? I should go check on Severus, before the idiot does something stupid,” Remus asked, rubbing his face roughly to try and inspire some sanity back into the situation.

Hermione nodded, pocketing her wand as Ron followed her towards the door. “Of course, Professor.”

S~S~S~S

He was emotionally drained, more exhausted than he could ever remember being in his life. His heart had been shattered, repaired, and filled with complete rage in less than twenty-four hours, never mind the amount of magic he had exhausted searching for that Merlin forsaken Horcrux. They had finally retrieved the last one, only to come to a standstill because they still couldn’t destroy the blasted things.

Severus couldn’t begin to think about the utter despair he felt when he saw his son, mixed with the relief that Harry was alive. His anger eclipsed his joy so completely; he couldn’t stand to be around his son at the moment. If he were honest with himself, Severus would know that his anger was a mask, a tourniquet to staunch the flow of his sadness and guilt. However, denial was something Severus definitely excelled at.

Was he such a horrible father that his son would willingly suffer alone and take his own life without even trying to go to him to help assuage his fears and worries? Sure, he wasn’t Harry’s biological father, and he hadn’t been a father for very long, but he had thought that Harry would at least speak to him about his depression and thoughts of suicide before taking the ultimate step.

His instincts had screamed at him earlier before he left to find the Horcrux that something wasn’t right with his son. He had always followed his instincts before; as a spy, sometimes his instincts were all that stood between life and death. He had gone soft since ending his career in espionage, and instead of trusting his instincts and staying with Harry, he ignored that feeling of unease in the pit of his stomach, and is son had died alone. After everything Severus had protected Harry from, he never thought that Harry could be his own worst enemy. It appeared that, yet again, he was wrong.

Severus sat down on his bed, reaching over to his bedside table and picking up the folded, slightly crumpled parchment he had found lying in the porcelain bowl of his bathroom sink. He had read it at least ten times already, but perhaps reading it over again would help him glean some understanding.

Remus slowly opened the bedroom door, afraid of waking Severus, should his husband be asleep. The potions professor was awake, however, lying with his back against their headboard, a creased piece of parchment clutched in his hands.

Without saying a word, Remus climbed into bed beside his husband, scooting close to wrap his arm around the man’s waist and lean his head on Severus’ shoulder. He felt Severus relax in his embrace, moving down to wrap his arms around the werewolf in return.

“I was horrible to him.”

“You were upset, love. I’m sure Harry will understand that we’re all upset right now, but you also need to try to understand the pressure he was under. The situation felt hopeless even to me; imagine how Harry felt. I’m upset too, but we mustn’t take out our emotions on each other. I think you need time to cool off. I sent Hermione and Ron to check on Harry, but I should go check on him myself.”

Severus sighed heavily, burying his face in Remus’ hair as he tried to put himself in Harry’s place. Maybe if he could empathise, he could figure out how to speak to his son once more. “Please make sure he’s alright. As soon as I can control my temper, I’ll apologize.”

“Maybe you should try waking Draco up. Tell him Harry is…er, back. I’m going to check up on Harry,” Remus said as he started to pull away from his husband. He lost balance as his arm was pulled back, and he fell onto Severus’ chest with an ‘umph!’

“I love you,” Severus whispered, leaning up and gently covering Remus’ lips with his own, coaxing him into a deeper kiss, the kind that soothed his soul and made him forget about his problems, if only for a minute.

“I love you too. We’ll get through this, all of us. Just give it time.”

S~S~S~S

“Harry?” a tentative voice called through his bedroom door. With a lazy flick of his wand, Harry opened the door to find a tear stained Hermione, followed by a reluctant Ron.

“Have you come to scream at me too? Go on, get it over with. I’m sure Draco is next in line,” Harry snapped as he plopped back down onto his and Draco’s unmade bed.

“Oh Harry, why? Why didn’t you just talk to one of us?” Hermione asked in a small voice as she sat at the foot of the bed.

Harry sighed, wondering when he’d ever be able to figure out the answer to that question. There were so many responses; which one did he choose?

“You guys seem to be mistaken into thinking I wanted to die. I didn’t, but I felt I had no choice. Be honest, Hermione; you knew our search was fruitless.”

Hermione had fresh tears rolling down her cheeks, sighing in relief when Ron sat on the floor in front of her and took her hands. “I knew there was little chance of finding something, but I wasn’t willing to give up. I don’t understand, Harry. How are you here – alive?”

“It’s a long story, and I’d really like to rest a bit before Draco comes in and has a go at me,” Harry snapped. He instantly felt guilty, but sometimes Hermione just didn’t know when to leave well enough alone.

“Mate, last we saw of Malfoy, Moony was carrying him out of his and Professor Snape’s room, passed out, and that was hours ago. Maybe you should find him first, let him know you’re ok,” Ron suggested as he stood, pulling Hermione up with him. “It would be nice if you’d stop blowing up at us, though. We’re just trying to understand. You slit your wrists without giving any of us any warning that you were hurting. We’re still trying to figure out when being your best mates stopped mattering to you.”

Harry didn’t get a chance to respond before Ron and Hermione left the room, leaving him with a ball of self-loathing and guilt in the pit of his stomach. Perhaps Ron was right; how would he feel if the situation were reversed? He needed to find Draco.

S~S~S~S

Harry looked in the kitchen, the library, and his father’s potions lab, but couldn’t find Draco. Ron had said that Moony had carried him somewhere. The last place he knew to check was Lucius Malfoy’s room, but he wasn’t quite prepared for that confrontation just yet. He decided he’d check the drawing room just in case.

Remus looked up from his tepid cup of tea, expecting to see Severus in the doorway. He had decided to make a cup of tea before seeking Harry out to calm his nerves, but when he went up to his son’s room, it was empty. Perhaps Harry needed some more alone time. Deciding he needed some of his own, Remus had retired to the drawing room, sipping at his tea and staring into the fire, trying to figure out just what he was going to say to Harry.

Instead, Harry was standing there, looking forlorn and miserable. Remus stood and set his tea cup aside, but hesitated. He needed to wait for Harry to come to him.

“Harry.”

That was all it took for the teen to walk forward quickly and fling himself into Remus’ arms.

“I’m so sorry. I was just trying to do what I thought was right, and now everyone hates me,” Harry cried into his step-father’s shoulder.

Remus wrapped his arms tightly around his son, resting his chin atop his messy hair with a sigh. “No one hates you, Harry, they’re just upset. Sometimes the things we do with good intentions backfire on us. Give them time.”

Harry pulled away from Remus long enough to collapse onto the sofa. Remus followed and sat beside him, keeping one arm around his shoulders.

“Why aren’t you angry with me like everyone else?”

“Oh, believe me – I was. But it was short lived. I think I am not so quick to judge because I understand far better than the others.”

“What do you mean?”

Remus sighed heavily as he pulled Harry closer, relaxing into the sofa. This was going to take a bit to explain. “Harry, after your parents were killed and Sirius was arrested for supposedly killing Peter, I was literally alone. I had been staying with Sirius in his flat, and after his arrest, it was taken by the Ministry. I had nowhere to go, and I wasn’t willing to take the hand-outs that people like Dumbledore offered me. I was alone, grieving the loss of everyone important in my life, and devastated that my affliction meant that there was no way for me to take custody of you. I felt useless; I hated myself for being what I am. I was extremely depressed. I ended up on the streets, using every last knut I had to drink myself into a stupor. I was not in a good place. I felt I had nothing left to live for.

I hadn’t eaten in weeks, I stopped drinking everything, including water and alcohol. I was essentially letting natural selection do its job. By chance, a Potions Master I had corresponded with after attending Hogwarts was in the backstreets of Knockturn Alley looking for hard to find potions ingredients when he saw me, near death and hopeless. He took me, and then invited me to travel the world with him while he did research. That’s where I was before returning to England to teach your third year. While I didn’t actively try to take my life, I was letting myself go.

I know what hopelessness feels like; I know how bleak things can seem when you’re going through a rough time. But Harry, how many times have we told you that we’re here for you, that you’re not alone? Despite your doubts about finding a way to remove the Horcrux, you didn’t give it much of a chance. If you were feeling down, you should have come to one of us to at least talk to us. What do we need to do to prove that you can trust is infallibly?”

Harry had curled up against Remus’ side, his guilt building more and more. He had thought he was doing the right thing, taking the burden off of everyone else’s shoulders and taking it all on himself. He realized now how completely selfish he had been. The problem was he could only apologize so many times. There was nothing he could do to fix it.

“I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. I’m sorry. I should have talked to someone, but I knew you guys would stop me. Everyone expects me to defeat Voldemort, but do they realize that I’m probably going to die trying anyways? Either way, I’m probably going to die, so what does it matter?”

“Those of us who truly care about you as a person do not expect you to defeat him singlehandedly. We’re trying to do everything we can to help you, Harry, but you’re blocking us at every angle. Do you remember when you broke the wards around the Quidditch pitch to break up the stone that was heading towards the Professors? You thought you were doing the right thing then, too, but you put all of your classmates in danger in order to try to save the Professors. You can’t save the world alone, and we don’t expect you to. You have to learn to let people help you,” Remus said earnestly. When would Harry ever learn that he wasn’t in this alone?

“Dad’s never going to speak to me again, is he?”

Before Remus could respond, there was the sound of steps coming towards them, and the weight of someone sitting on the other side of Harry on the sofa.

“Idiot child. How could I possibly never speak to you again?”

Harry pulled away from Remus and turned towards his father, feeling both hope and utter terror rise in his chest. “Dad? I’m sorry…”

Severus sighed heavily and smoothed down his son’s frazzled hair, still not quite sure what to feel. He was still very angry; he would be for a long time. But he was also happy to see his son alive. Harry looked miserable, and he knew it was mostly his fault. No matter how angry he was at the boy, he couldn’t ever stand that look of pain on his child’s face.

“I know you are. I’m sorry for yelling at you, but that does not mean I’m still not very angry with you. I think we still need to talk about this, but later. I’m just glad you are here – that you’re safe. I’ve never been so devastated in my life, Harry.” Severus’ voice began to tremble, and he stopped before he completely lost it again. He didn’t think it would be physically possible to cry any more than he already had, but he could feel his eyes burning.

The door to the drawing room banged open, causing both professors and Harry to jump in fright. Harry stood with a wide smile on his face as he saw Draco come running in, only to have that smile wiped right off of his face when Draco punched him square on the nose – hard.

“You fucking bastard! How dare you do such a stupid thing and then expect everything to be ok! Fuck you, Potter!”

Severus jumped up and grabbed Draco, holding him back. He was struggling against his godfather’s hold and trying to get closer to Harry, most likely to land another punch. Remus was checking on Harry, whose nose was gushing blood as he stared at his boyfriend in complete shock.

“Draco – ”

“You lied to me! You told me we were in this together, that you’d never leave me. How could you? I hate you! Father and I are leaving. You have fun fighting this damn war alone, since you won’t seem to let anyone help you!”

Severus heard the door open once more and looked over his shoulder to see Lucius standing there with his arms crossed over his chest, his expression unreadable.

“You cannot leave, Lucius. That was a condition of your release,” Severus reminded the elder Malfoy, who inclined his head in understanding.

“Yes, I’ve already told my son this, but he seems to think we can just waltz out and return home at any old time. He’s hysterical. I tried to stop him from coming down here; I apologize for my failure…and your son’s nose.”

Draco roared in rage, struggling even hard against Severus’ grasp. “This isn’t a fucking tea party! How can you all stand there so calm? We’re all going to die because Potter is too much of an idiot to accept blatant help when it’s shoved in front of his stupid nose!”

“Draco, calm down or I’ll be forced to stun you. Look, we’re all upset and obviously need to work things out with Harry, but you need to relax before you give yourself a coronary,” Severus insisted, surprised by how strong his godson was as he held him back from doing Harry anymore damage.

“Fine, you all sit and have your little mediation session. I’m done. Hear that, Potter? DONE!” Draco finally ripped himself out of his godfather’s grasp and ran from the room, leaving a shocked silence in his wake.

Remus was still trying to heal Harry’s nose and clean up the blood, but Harry pushed him away. He moved towards the window seat and curled up on the padded edge, his knees pulled up to his chin. He stared out at the overgrown backyard as tears streamed silently down his cheeks.

“I wish I’d stayed dead.”

S~S~S~S

Night had fallen and the residents of Grimmauld Place seemed to be at a loss. Harry wouldn’t leave the window seat in the drawing room. Draco was busy moving everything he owned from Harry’s room to his father’s. Hermione was arguing with Ron about trying to talk to Harry again. Remus was talking to the twins and Ginny about Draco’s explosion earlier that day, and Severus was catching up on some much needed sleep.

Molly, however, had managed to sneak her way in to the drawing room without Harry noticing. She had two cups of tea in her hands as she gently sat across from Harry on the window seat, watching as he slowly blinked open his eyes. He was asleep.

“Sorry to wake you, dear. I thought you might like a cuppa.”

Harry sighed as he accepted the cup of tea from Molly, though he didn’t sip it. He just stared into the murky liquid, as though contemplating whether or not he could drown himself in it.

“You gave us all quite a fright, Harry. I know some of us are taking things better than others. But it seems as though we’ve all been extremely selfish. We’re all so worried about how we feel about everything, but has anyone bothered to ask you how you’re feeling?”

Harry blinked up at Molly, feeling the ache in his chest loosen just a little at the sound of her motherly voice. It seemed that whenever everything else in the world seemed hopeless, Molly would always be the constant in his life, offering him an anchor on which to cling when he felt like he had nothing else.

“Honestly, I’m not even sure I could explain how I feel. I feel stupid, guilty, but I’m also angry. Everyone is so quick to tell me I’m stupid for what I did, that what I did was wrong. No one seems to understand that I did it for them; I did it so no one else would have to. I know you don’t understand what I’m talking about, but I had to die, or else there would be no way Voldemort could ever be defeated.”

Molly was frowning, still a little confused as to why Harry was so sure he had had to die, but she wouldn’t push him any further. “Did you know you’d come back before you did it?”

Harry met the same honey brown eyes that her daughter shared, and felt as though that gaze was slowly healing his wounded soul. “No. I even sent a Will off to Gringott’s beforehand.”

The Weasley matriarch looked as though she was going to cry, but she held her tears in, reaching out the grasp Harry’s hand. “You’re so brave, Harry. Everyone is so quick to see the error of your ways, but no one realizes the huge sacrifice you made to save us all. It’s we who are the selfish ones, not you.”

“I wish everyone else could understand that…”

Molly pulled her wand and cleaned all of the dried blood from Harry’s shirt and face. She didn’t even need to tell Harry she was going to heal his nose; Harry was already preparing himself for it. The small ‘crack’ of the bones going back together made Molly feel a bit woozy and Harry let out a small whimper of pain.

“Now, let’s go get you something to eat. You must be famished! You’re still far too thin for your age…”

S~S~S~S

It had been three days since The Harry Incident, as it had been dubbed by the twins, and Hermione was back at it again in the library, still looking for possible ways to destroy the Horcruxes.

“I really thought that the variation on a dissolving potion would do the trick, but how are we supposed to test it? There’s too much risk,” Hermione said out loud, not really talking to anyone in particular.

“We could have stuck Harry’s head in it, but he’s gotten rid of that one already,” Ron quipped as he flipped through another pointless book, not really taking anything he read in.

Before Hermione could yell at her boyfriend, a rather large tome met the back of Ron’s head. “Do not joke about such things, you insufferable brat!” Severus hissed as he walked over to the other table and sat beside Remus, who looked completely frazzled as he flipped through a very dusty book in old English.

A few minutes later, Hermione gasped out of nowhere, causing everyone to jump and glare at her as she ran around gathering books from various shelves. She obviously had another idea. Everyone else left her to it; they knew she wouldn’t ask for help until she had exhausted every last bit of effort she possessed.

Two hours later, Hermione sighed heavily as she closed another heavy book with a snap. Her hair was frizzier than normal and sticking out everywhere, and there were smudges of ink on her chin, cheek and forehead. She opened another book and started to take notes.

“Professor, where do the souls taken through the Dementor’s Kiss go? I’ve looked in every book I could find on Dementors, but no one seems to know for sure if the souls are destroyed, or if they’re somehow stored within the Dementor itself,” Hermione asked, all the while scribbling furiously on a sheet of parchment as her finger ran along a line of text in an ancient, dusty book.

“Well, there’s been very little research done on Dementors because of the affect they have on people. The only thorough research I’ve seen was done by a vampire by the name of Claudius Bofinkle. A vampire’s soul can only be captured by its reflection in a mirror, essentially trapping it. Dementors do not affect vampires.  There are very few non-humans that cannot feel the despair caused by Dementors. Lethifolds are another example, but their lack of ability to communicate renders them unable to do something like research,” Remus answered, not sure if Hermione had intended to ask him or Severus, as they were both ‘Professor’.

“Where can I find the research Bofinkle gathered?” Hermione asked, her eyes alight with hope.

“It’s incredibly hard to find, as people were so prejudiced against vampires when it was first published, it was banned by almost every wizarding bookstore. Why do you ask, Hermione?”

“Professor, if the souls that Dementors suck out are irretrievable and destroyed, we may be able to destroy the Horcruxes by putting them in a room full of Dementors.”

Remus blinked slowly, feeling quite stupid that he had never thought of such a thing before. “I never even thought of that! The souls that are taken through a Dementor’s Kiss are lost forever; there is no way to retrieve a soul once a Dementor has sucked it out. However, I can understand your hesitancy if the soul is not destroyed. Who knows what kind of horrible creature would be created when pieces of Voldemort and a Dementor were combined. The book Bofinkle published is called Dancing with Despair. Let’s check the library here first; it would not at all surprise me if the Black’s possessed such a book.”

Remus and Hermione began to search in the most likely sections, joined grudgingly by Ron after Severus grabbed him by the ear and forcefully pulled him over to a book shelf to help with the search. They were at it for half an hour before they heard someone clear their throat. Harry was standing in the doorway, looking both nervous and exhausted.

“I know how to destroy the Horcruxes.”