I got to thinking one night when I could not sleep, about Lily and the prophecy. As I lay awake, tossing and turning and pounding my pillow into a more comfortable shape, I was reminded of just how much Harry needed to know what I had kept a secret for so long, for it concerned him deeply. Indeed, ever since that night up in the tower the thought of what I had done had lingered in the back of my mind, though for some time I had pretended it did not lurk there like a poison. But that poison was drawing nearer to the more vital parts of my existence, and Harry's, so how could I continue to keep such a secret? The time was coming for me to abandon my fear of rejection, and simply tell Harry of that night. It was something I had held close for so long, and yet for all we knew it could be the difference between Harry winning and losing the war. For, what if the Dark Lord sprung my secret on Harry during battle - that I had told him of the prophecy - just to take him off guard so he could fire that dreaded curse, and snuff out the life of the boy I had grown to love? Or even if Harry did find out about it under other circumstances, which he indubitably would, then who would remain to tell him why I did it? Only I could provide the real answers as to why. Not that any explanation could make my actions right of course. But I never wished for him to have to choose between hate and love. And so, whether I liked it or not, I knew that I needed to tell Harry.

      I had put it off; I had tried so hard to pretend it never happened. Oh, but how could I continue that charade, when we all knew Harry needed to know as much information as possible to even have a chance at survival? He knew it not, but the story of my greatest regret was slowly creeping up behind him as the days went on, and war loomed over us. If I did not tell him, from whom would he find out? Now that I knew I was pretty much on the way out the final door, I started to realize that I held a key within my hand. That key could lock one more door that made it possible for the Dark Lord to best Harry, and while I feared that Harry would reject me for what I had done, I valued his survival more than anything. So that was why, as the clock ticked and the moon fell further in the sky while the sun crept up on me, I started to work myself up to tell him, and try to find the words to say what I needed to so badly.

When the alarm rang I got up, determination making the fatigue in my bones leave. As I pulled on my clothes I noted that the weather was nice, that the sun was shining and the snow glistening. I formed a plan in my mind, and these things made me forget the worrisome ache in my lungs, but only because that ache had been replaced with worry.

As I dressed for the day I glanced in the old and cracked mirror standing in the corner of my bedroom, and was shocked at how thin I was. I put my hand over my ribs to see if it wasn't an illusion. It wasn't, and as my fingers counted each rib that was lying beneath a veil of pale skin, I couldn't help but feel a shiver run down my spine. I pulled on my shirt and robes, and as I continued to examine my frame in the mirror I saw how loose my clothes were on me. They used to be quite form fitting, and now they were certainly not that at all. I had always been fairly light, never heavy, so to have grown even thinner was not good at all. Perhaps that was why I was always chilled as of late, for I had nothing to keep my bones from aching from the cold.

I had seen enough skeletons to last a lifetime, and so I grabbed an old sheet from my closet and threw it over the mirror, and swept out of the room as fast as I could.

***

"Put on that scarf and those mittens, we're going on a walk," I told Harry when he arrived mid-morning, having gotten my note. I already was dressed warmly, and Harry hurried to prepare for the cold too. He looked very curious, for I usually corrected papers on Sundays.

"Is something wrong?" he asked me.

"No, nothing has changed," I assured him as we started out of my quarters and down to the grounds. We opened the front doors of the castle a crack and walked out into the cold, sharp sunshine, the glittering snow making us blink. I had to avert my eyes from the light, for it it was simply too bright for me, what with my eyes being used to the dull dungeon light. We walked a little ways, heading down to the lake in silence.

We stood, looking out over the frozen water for a while. Harry looked as though he had figured out I had something important to say, and he waited in silence for me to begin. I needed to work myself up to telling him about the Prophecy, and so I began with the easier things that would lead into the truth, despite the fact that each little thing reminded me of the shadow on my heart.

"Your mother and I formally met when we were nine," I said casually. Harry immediately perked up. "She was courageous, funny, smart, and the only one I have ever considered to be my best friend."

"What did she like to do? Just everyday stuff, Mum I mean."

"Lily loved reading, and very much enjoyed her classes. Particularly Charms. She also liked to sew, as you probably know from that wonderful dinosaur she made you."

Harry blushed a little, but I paid no attention to that and concentrating on working myself up to the task.

"She was a morning person too, like you. I used to think she was crazy for waking so early." I sighed internally, closing my eyes for a second or two against the harsh sunshine.

"I take it you weren't one?"

"No. I was worse than Draco. If I didn't have anything to do, even up into my late twenties, I would sleep until two in the afternoon, sometimes three." I shook my head at myself, though my mind was elsewhere. "We were like night and day. Yet somehow we were friends."

"I know people like that; never would guess they could be friends if you don't see them together," Harry said, shrugging. He looked to me to continue.

"We did everything together for the longest time," I said wistfully, my heart sinking slightly. "We used to get toast or scones from the Great Hall and eat breakfast out on the grounds, or in an empty classroom just so we could have some peace and quiet without the social demographic of the houses. That started to change at the end of third year. So did a lot of things. We began to drift apart. She got more involved in clubs - ever the social butterfly - and I couldn't bring myself to join anything. Social settings terrified me then, they always seemed to mean exposure and pain for me. I still do not like large gatherings."

Harry did not respond, and I continued, needing to say things as much as my legs felt they needed to keep moving through the frozen landscape. If I stopped I'd never continue, and I knew he needed to know these things ... what led me to do it, what led me to betray her. I couldn't go on putting off the moment when he needed to know. The time for that was long gone, and a day was dawning where the risks of him not knowing couldn't be afforded.

"I started following around some of the older Slytherins shortly before exams in my third year. They included me for the first time, and I was delighted." I ran my hand through my hair, feeling my eyebrows furrow. "It took me a full two years to figure out that they only started being nice to me because they saw that I was the perfect kid to try and recruit as a Death Eater. Broken home, nearly broken spirit, barely any friends. By the time I figured it out, and truly saw what was going on, it was too late."

"Did you ever really want to join?" asked Harry hesitantly. I looked him in the eye.

"I ... I did, until I actually joined, and found out what it was really about. I didn't mind them trying to recruit me, because you see, when they were telling me about it at age fifteen I didn't quite realize the scope of things, and you wouldn't believe the things they left out. They made it sound noble ... like it was my duty, and like it would be a great big family who looked out for each other. I wanted to belong; I wanted safety. Being subject to my Father's empty bottle and drunken fists since he started drinking when I was just a little lad, it was my way of saving myself. I thought that if I had the Dark Lord's mark, I would scare off anyone who tried to pick a fight with me. So foolish." I felt my heart twist, and my guts wrench inside of me. "My father was a muggle anyway; I don't know why I thought it would scare him off.

"Lily didn't like that. Things were always black and white to her, for there was never a reason for her to turn to darkness. But those reasons I had been given many of. Our friendship - everything - fell apart after O.W.L.s, because I'd lashed out at her, and she had had it. She said she figured I was planning to be a Death Eater, and she was right too. She was mad that I wouldn't deny it, or even try to defend myself. I was too afraid to try to explain it to her. What if she didn't understand? What if she thought I was a coward? The others had been sowing seeds of mistrust inside me in regards to her, and they said that she could never understand. After so long I started to let fear get the better of me.

"How could I tell her how scared I was? While there were some things she probably could have understood if I just explained them to her, it is entirely true that at that time there were things Lily didn't understand, and frankly never would. Her family had food to eat every day, and her parents loved each other, her father had a job, her mother did not die and leave her to fend for herself. The only limits on her future were the ones she placed upon herself. Not like it was for kids like me. I couldn't afford the potion equipment to start up a business, and at that time the Ministry was being extremely careful in hiring people, and wouldn't take on anybody who had a background that could lead them to the Dark Lord. The discrimination was getting out of hand. Hushed stories started to crop up, of how people were turned away from jobs because of the Hogwarts house they came from, or because they lived in poor neighbourhoods and ‘high risk areas' where Death Eater activity was frequent. You have to understand that." I pleaded with Harry, my eyes seeking his. "Nobody would have hired a poor kid like me, and there was no way to hide that fact when a good pair of dress robes meant I would have to starve a week for them. That's mostly why I thought I needed to join ..."

"I had no idea it was so bad," Harry replied, eyes wide.

"Well, it was. Lots of times Mum couldn't even afford to send me shampoo at school, or toothpaste," I said bitterly. "And you wonder why they called me a slimy git. Try going to your head of house and telling him that, when he forever surrounds himself with well to do people and luxurious things. You would understand if you could meet Horace Slughorn. A poor boy was the least of his concerns."

We were silent for a moment.

"Can you at least begin to understand why I became a Death Eater? Why I followed around rich kids like Lucius Malfoy? I know I wasn't right, and that, I assure you, I realized as soon as I was bound to the Dark Lord."

"Yeah," Harry said slowly, but sincerely. "I understand. I know a lot about what it's like not to have much, thanks to the Dursleys. I don't think badly of you for it. You changed, that's the most important thing."

"But not quickly enough," I said, my voice sounding like a soft moan in the wind. "I did something horrible Harry, and I hope you can forgive me for it. I ... I should have told you from the start, but like what happened with Lily I was ... afraid I would lose you too."

"What is it?" asked Harry, worried.

I took a deep breath, willing my knees to stay still, and not tremble like they wanted to so badly.

"Remember earlier in the year when Albus told the both of us the prophecy that made the Dark Lord decide to go after your parents?"

"Yeah," said Harry warily.

"Someone overheard part of it ... and told the Dark Lord, and the Dark Lord thought it meant Lily, and your family."

"Yeah, Dumbledore said that, what about it?"

I was starting to fall apart, as usual when I recalled that horrible memory, and I could feel my heart racing and my head spinning like it always did when I thought of what I had done. My voice seemed to have stopped working as I looked out over the frozen lake.

"Me, it was me," I croaked, hoping to whatever power that Harry wouldn't just disown me right there and then. "I was such an idiot; spying on Dumbledore was my initiation into His inner circle, and I had no idea who the prophecy meant, I only heard part ..." I was afraid to look at Harry, and so I could only look at the frozen horizon. "You don't have to forgive me if you don't want to; it was a horrible thing to do. I wish I could take it back, I really wish I could. I'd give it all, just to take it back so they could have lived."

He didn't speak, and as I tried to calm my breathing during that long silence, I feared the worse.

"If things have changed too much," I managed to stutter out, "you could live with Black instead, I wouldn't blame you ..."

"You're still an idiot, you know," spat Harry suddenly, sounding offended, and I froze. "I still want to live with you, you stupid bastard!"

The second line made me unfreeze, and my insides began to thaw. He couldn't be that angry then. I hoped.

"Really?"

"Yes."

I sighed with relief.

"That's why you looked like you wanted to faint when Dumbledore was talking about it, and telling us the rest." Harry looked as though something was starting to make sense, as though he was seeing the bigger picture.

I nodded.

"The guilt, it nearly killed me, still threatens to you know," I muttered to him, hoping that honesty would save me.

I heard Harry take a step away from me, along the icy lake shore - I still couldn't look him in the eye - and sounding confused he said, "I need to think, for a while."

I nodded, and so I left him to stand on the bank where he seemed to have frozen, and went up to my quarters to have a much needed drink. I sat there for a long time in a deep state of anxiety and misery, and even though I knew I had done what was right, I had to forcefully remind myself that in telling him I might have furthered Harry's chance of survival. But this did little to improve my spirits, for I knew that I would miss him until the day I died if he rejected me. What felt like an age later, Albus, who with his irritatingly knowing ways had seen us walking through his office window and somehow sensed something was wrong, popped through my floo. I didn't even jump at his appearance, for I continued to stare at the wall in a deeply depressed manner, and was so numb that I couldn't do anything of that sort. I probably wouldn't have cared if the Dark Lord had come through my door.

"He'll hate me, just you watch," I croaked to Albus as he sat down beside me at the table. He dragged my glass away from me, along with the bottle of firewhisky.

"What happened this time?" he asked a little bit tiredly.

"I told Harry about about the prophecy. He's off thinking now ..."

"He's more like Lily than you realize."

"Ah yes, and even she hated me in the end," I said weakly, letting my head fall to the table in despair.

"Stop that," said Albus sharply, grabbing my collar and dragging me upright. "Listen to what I'm saying."

I gave him a withering look and obeyed his command.

"Lily never hated you. It hurt her greatly to stop being your friend, she only pretended to hate you to keep from hurting herself,'' he said.

"And how would you know that?" I said dryly, resting my chin on my fist.

"You would not believe the number of times James - don't give me that look - came to order meetings without her because she was distraught from an article in the paper detailing an incident involving Death Eaters. He said that every time she read one of those articles, and he asked her why she was crying over it, she would say to him that she was afraid you had been there. It baffled him. She refused to let go of that image of the skinny little boy she was once friends with, but very few did know that, and James didn't for the longest time either." He glared at me, and I shrunk away a little bit, the fire behind his eyes both filling me with the desire to back away from him, and sudden hope upon realizing that he cared so much.

"Did Potter really tell you that?" I whispered, not daring to believe it.

"Yes; he had to give me that explanation many times," said Albus with a sigh. "She missed her best friend until the day she died, no matter what she liked to pretend."

I couldn't think of anything to say in response, partially because I didn't trust myself to speak, so I simply waited for him to instead.

"She never hated you Severus. If I know Harry at all, he will not either. He just needs a little while to sort through his feelings. It was quite the shock, but he'll come around quicker than you think. You'll see."

I nodded, and he got up, patted my shoulder once and left through the floo, leaving me to my thoughts. It was only once he was gone that I noticed he had left a chocolate frog sitting in front of me. I shook my head. He knew me too well.

***

It was dark out, and I had fallen asleep on the sofa with a book, which I hadn't really read anything from but the same lines over again. I wondered what had woken me, and then I noticed that Harry had come into my quarters, as he knew the password. I mustn't have heard him knocking.

"Sorry I didn't come see you earlier," he said apologetically as I blinked and stretched.

"That's alright," I said to him, even though it had been agony. "You needed time to think."

"It wasn't right, but I don't hate you for it, I can't," Harry blurted as though it had been weighing on his chest as much as my fear that he would hate me had been upon mine. "I'm mad that you were that stupid to do that, but, it's not like you knew who it meant, and you changed ... you changed a lot."

"As soon as I found out he suspected Lily," I said, swallowing thickly. "That was the final straw."

We were silent for a moment, and then Harry said something I didn't quite expect. "You loved her, didn't you?"

I looked at him in shock, and he continued to stare into my eyes, across the dim room, which glowed with the embers of the fire.

"Yes, more than anything," I was able to mutter back. "How did you guess?"

"I don't know, it just fits, the way I've heard you talk about her sometimes, I guess," Harry said, sounding as though he wasn't quite sure how he knew. Harry looked at his watch and frowned. "I should go," he sighed, "It's almost curfew. Night Dad."

He gave me a tentative smile, and I returned it, wishing him goodnight before he quietly went out the door. Relief flooded over me, and while I knew this dark piece of my past would still take time for us to work through, the hardest part was over, for the splinter had been taken from the wound and all that was left was the healing. Things might be a little different for a little while, but in time it would be the same. This I knew, and how, I did not know, but I was brought peace. I hadn't realized how much tension that deep secret had been causing me up until now, but as I drifted into dreams I felt freer than I had in years. I never thought that I would feel truly glad I had told him.