Even after Albus returned from resetting the wards and making sure we were alone, it still felt to me like the room was spinning, even though I still sat in the middle of the attic, knees on the ground. I couldn't bring myself to move, and it was only when Alastor Moody came over and literally pulled me to my feet that I stood. Despite the whispers all around coming from the Order, I heard none of them, for it was as though the sound had been turned down. I saw many familiar faces. The members of the Order looked at me as though they weren't sure what to do. If they weren't going to act, then I was. With a strange determination, or perhaps more numbness than anything else, I walked to the trapdoor of the attic.

"Where are you going?" barked Moody. Ordinarily I would have jumped, but I was so out of it that I couldn't even do that.

"Turning myself in," I said sharply. Many in the room looked surprised, as though they would not expect me to trade my life for a boy's. I resented this.

"No, you will not," Moody replied, and I stopped walking. "Do you really think You Know Who is going to honour that?" He pointed to the message burnt into the wall. "Do you really think will let him go if you walk to your death?"

"It is worth a shot. He has no use of Draco; he is merely a bargaining chip," I replied acidly. "Besides, how else will he be rescued? Surely you haven't deluded yourselves into thinking that you can penetrate the Dark Lord's defences?"

"I think we're perfectly capable of a rescue mission," Tonks said, sounding rather riled up. "We aren't deluded, we're being realistic. We have some of the best minds on our team, and Albus on top of those. I think we have a hell of a chance."

There were quite a few agreements muttered throughout the room. Rage boiled up inside me, and I stalked toward her.

"Oh, so you think you know the Dark Lord better than I?" I said, dangerously softly.

Tonks looked like she was biting back a heavy retort, but decided against it and instead said, "I know the Order and its assets well. That's what I know."

"What's left of Malfoy Manor will be damn near impossible to get through," I spat, looking around the room to the sea of faces, adrenaline coursing through my veins and mixing with rage. "This is obviously a plot to get me within his reach, so that The Dark Lord can have his little revenge. Therefore, he will have taken into account that the Order will send a rescue party. He will have made the defences even stronger than usual, for if any of you get through, he knows I won't walk to him. He can't lose the bait, and he has been itching to torture me to death since my escape over the summer."

I could hear hushed murmuring in the room upon the mention of the Dark Lord wanting to torture me to death, and for some reason this made me extremely angry. Perhaps it was because I wasn't used to the concern. Perhaps it was the general disagreement to my underlying statement that I was probably the only one who could save him, given the circumstances.

"It does not matter anyway if I die by his hand," I said loudly, my voice taking on a light touch of insanity as I barely restrained myself from shouting. "Haven't you all heard? Merlin knows enough people mutter behind my back! I'm dying already. So why not? Why can't I go? I would do the same for Harry so I don't give a damn that everyone here thinks I shouldn't do so for Draco. Don't pretend you wouldn't throw me to the Dark Lord for Harry, just because everyone calls him the chosen one!"

I took a heaving breath, and was quite satisfied with the shocked expressions on everybody's faces. Minerva looked ready to cry, and for a second I wished I hadn't said any of that, for she hadn't known of my illness. I flinched badly when Albus put his hand on my shoulder.

"To all of you, we shall meet at Headquarters to discuss this further," Dumbledore said. "I shall be there shortly. Alastor, please begin the plans with all who are willing to help."

There was a general agreement, and people were sweeping out of the room, many trying not to stare at me. Nobody stopped to have a word with me, though I could tell many wanted to, but Albus was clearly giving them a look not to behind me. I shrugged his hand off my shoulder and went to the broken window, relishing the bitter air that stung my cheeks like cold water. I fixed my eyes upon the few small, jagged pieces of glass that were still clinging to the edges of the frame.

"Severus ..." said Albus softly.

"I know - it's all my fault because I forgot to check the wards, so you do not have to tell me how much of a failure I am!" I shouted without really meaning to. At that point I had reverted to my old automatic response to pain and sadness. It was easier to yell at others than to cry. I cried very seldom, and like any man I liked to keep it that way.

"Accidents are part of life Severus," replied Albus. "I do not blame you for it. I promise we will do the best we can to rescue him. I know you don't believe we can, but can you please try to have faith in us?"

"How long do I have to give you?" I said, my voice like the broken shards of glass beneath my boots.

"Time enough for us to pull through for you," was his vague reply. "Don't hand yourself in; think of Harry."

"I know," I said with a sigh. "But ... he considers Draco his brother, and if I back away and say that I will not do what I need to bring him back, Harry will understand far less than if I do try to help Draco, because he knows I would do the same for him. If I don't help Draco, then Harry will be left wondering why, or even if I would go the extra mile to save him. It's ... complicated."

"I wouldn't dare pretend it isn't. But please, give us a chance to keep you all together," Albus muttered to me.

"Alright," I said with a sigh.

"Molly says you can stay at the Burrow a little while if you'd like. To stay here would be burdensome after such an event."

I paused for a moment. "I can't be here, not with his bed empty ..."

"Nor would I expect you to stay."

I was silent for a few moments, and then suddenly words were pouring out from my soul as I said, "I wish things could be simple for once. Couldn't the Dark Lord just leave me to die in peace?" Not try to tear my family apart ... Not try to destroy what we had so carefully built, especially as we had only been a family for a little under a year. There was a great divide in my life: the bleak time before Harry and Draco, and after. And while I wished that I did not need to create a divide in Harry and Draco's lives, I knew there would be a before Severus died, and an after. I just hoped I could avoid making that divide greater and more painful by handing myself in, and fulfilling the Dark Lord's plan. But sometimes you cannot have everything, and to save a life by giving mine would be consolation enough for me. What of the boys, however? Could they live with it? If I did not hand myself over could Harry and I live knowing that I might have saved Draco? And even so, how long would I prevail ... how long could I fight this illness? Trading lives is always a dangerous game, and this I knew well as a former Death Eater and a spy. You never do know what you or someone else will live to regret, nor can you see who will be the one to spark that regret in the soul of another. Just which pebble will be the one to shatter the windowpane cannot be known until it connects. I feared that I was throwing boulders.

"Someone needs to go tell Harry," said Albus softly. "Are you up to it?"

I nodded, though I hated to be the bearer of more bad news. Worse still, I would have to inform him of the circumstance; that I may have to leave him sooner. I prayed I would not need to go as I apparated to the Burrow, still numb with disbelief. But something in my heart told me that I would not be so fortunate.

"Draco's been taken by the Dark Lord," I said to Molly as calmly as I could when she ran out into the snow to meet me. I said under my breath when she reached me, "He is asking for me in return."

Molly was unable to speak, and I knew I confirmed what she had been hearing when she brought her hand to her mouth and tears began to slide down her cheeks. I shook my head as she opened her mouth, for no amount of sympathy in the world could make me feel better. She nodded.

"They're all in the kitchen," she whispered. "I haven't said anything to him yet. I didn't want to misinform him. You can take him upstairs to tell him if you wish. Fred and George are living above their shop for now, so if you would like you two can take their room for a while. I cannot believe it ... Albus wouldn't say what happened, he just said you might need to stay here a while. Thank Merlin Draco is still alive ..."

"At least we have that," I said softly, and I then went through the door. I found a happy gathering around the kitchen table. Harry, Ron and Ginny were sitting and drinking hot chocolate. Harry looked up to see me standing in the doorway, and he probably saw past my emotionless expression.

"Is something wrong?" Harry asked, eyes wide with worry behind his crooked glasses.

"Yes," I said quietly. "Molly says we can discuss it in Fred and George's room. She will inform you two." I nodded toward Ron and Ginny, who looked concerned.

"Alright," Harry said, putting his hot chocolate down and getting up to follow me, shooting his friends looks of worry.

Harry followed me quietly up the stairs, and I motioned him to sit on one of the empty beds as I shut the door and cast muffliato.

"Dad, what's wrong?" Harry asked shakily as I sat down next to him.

"I arrived at the house to find that Draco had been taken by Bellatrix Lestrange," I said as calmly as I could, and quickly, before I could lose the ability to speak. "He is in the hands of the Dark Lord right now. I couldn't ... I couldn't save him."

Harry's eyes filled with shock and he shook his head. "N-No ..."

"It's true," I muttered, deciding just then that I would not tell Harry of the possibility of having to hand myself over. It was too much for the moment, and only if I had to do so would I tell him. "I forgot to make sure the wards were flawless, and the Dark Lord thought to. I arrived a little too late. This - this is all my fault Harry."

"It was an accident, it isn't your fault," Harry said to me, and I could feel him trembling beside me, our sides just touching as we sat on the bed, which had some suspicious burn marks on the frame. It amazed me how forgiving he could be. I was still not that forgiving, and yet somehow a boy who had had so many wrongs done to him, was. "D-dad, what if ..."

"I refuse to ask myself that question," I replied, putting my arm tightly around Harry's shoulders to steady us both. "We must be strong now for Draco. The Order is working on it as we speak."

Harry nodded and looked down at his knees.

I don't know how long we sat like that, but the silence between us spoke of the kind of grief and uncertainty that runs too deep for words. The only thing that kept me from falling apart was sheer shock. When Harry finally looked up he tried to avoid my gaze so I wouldn't see the tears on the lenses of his glasses, but I took his glasses gently in my hand anyway, and dried them on the hem of my robe.

He did not thank me audibly, but his eyes said it all as I handed them back to him.

"Do you think you will be alright for now?" I asked.

"Alright, I guess," Harry replied, even though I knew he was hurting.

"Molly asked us if we would like to stay here for a few days until Draco is rescued," I told him. "Would you like that?"

He looked pensive for a moment. "Y-Yes."

"I thought so." I looked at my watch wearily. "Well, in that case, I suppose I should go get us a few things from the house." I needed to do something, anything to keep moving forward, to feel like I was getting us somewhere. Even if that was not far at all.

"I want to go with you," Harry said suddenly.

"No, I need you to stay here," I said firmly. "There was a fight, and I haven't had a chance to clean up the house yet. It's not easy to look at. The wards have been recalibrated. I will be fine, but I would prefer you didn't see the scene where it happened."

While reluctantly, he acquiesced and said he would stay. I wondered just how well Harry understood why I had told him he needed to stay. A part of me questioned whether or not he completely believed my excuses to keep him here, where I could be sure he was safe. It was what I needed to keep going. I had to know he wasn't going to disappear on me. I thought he might have understood it, and in some ways, wanting to come with me had probably been his way of saying that he didn't want to lose sight of me.

"Can I write Hermione about what happened?" Harry asked as I began to make my retreat.

"Yes. You could ask Molly if you could invite her over for a little while to tell her. She is connected to the floo network now, remember?"

"Oh yeah," Harry said thoughtfully, voice still shaking. "Maybe it would be better to tell her in person. She'll have a lot of questions. She would want to know."

"She would. I will see you soon, alright?"

Harry nodded, and I made to go out the door, but Harry caught up to me before I could go and he threw himself into me and hugged me tightly. I was a little surprised, but I returned the hug.

"Promise you'll come back Dad?" he said, voice muffled as his pressed his face tightly to my shoulder.

"I promise," I said, and he let go to look me in the eye. My heart trembled at his height. He was almost as tall as me. When had that happened? I forced myself to take one last look at him, and then I went downstairs. Outside and to the edge of the wards at the Burrow I walked. Once I was far enough I apparated, the black feeling of suffocation all too familiar.

And when I entered through the front door of the house I didn't look at the Christmas tree, which appeared as though it were caught in a dream, untouched in all of the chaos around me. I didn't look at it as I passed and went up the stairs, for every thought inside me spoke of the fear that Draco too would become just another name etched in glass, resting on the soft green branches of yesterday.