Potions and Snitches
Snape and Harry Gen Fanfiction Archive

Lay Down Your Arms

It was the day after the discussion in the attic that Severus decided he had to finally tell Potter about his involvement in the Prophecy.

He should have told Joseph he was going to, he knew, but for some reason the idea of telling anyone else he was planning on doing something so frightening made his stomach twist into an unrecognizable knot. Perhaps it was because in telling someone else he would feel he had an obligation to do it, and that he could not back out. And if Severus got cold feet at the last second he knew he would feel so sick with shame he would hardly be able to look Joseph in the eye. He knew it was silly, but it sure didn't feel that way.

Severus was awake all night, listening to Potter snore. And then, seemingly as though someone had enchanted a time turner to go forward instead of backward, the morning dawned. Exhausted, stomach full of acid from not sleeping all night, Severus stared wide-eyed at the kitchen wall.

It was ten o clock when Potter came down for breakfast, and Severus' coffee had grown cold, sitting untouched before him. He'd been flipping endlessly through the faux copy of Potions Monthly Daisy had sent him, reading her letter over a hundred times and more, wishing she had sent a more recent one. They would be able to mail each other more once at Hogwarts, but given that Grimmauld Place was probably being watched by the Dark Lord's cronies, things were at a bit of a standstill. Potter had been complaining the other day too about how he could hardly write his friend from Oak Tree.

"Did you sleep at all?" said Potter, alarmed as he sat across from Severus. "You look terrible."

"Not really," muttered Severus, taking a sip of his cold coffee in a vain attempt to look normal.

"Why not?" Worry was forming a gentle crease on Harry's young forehead.

Severus could feel his heart thrumming erratically beneath his pyjama top, the cold coffee tasting sickly on his tongue. He looked up at Harry with bloodshot eyes.

He's going to hate you he's going to leave just like Lily - just like Mother wanted to - just like Dumbledore did when you were tortured - pure luck we found you - pure luck pure luck - left to die left to die, die die die -

"Severus?"

He blinked. Potter - no, Harry - registered in his line of vision again. The thoughts slowed, and then stopped.

"Have you ever ... ever done something so bad you've never been able to ... forgive yourself?"

Harry seemed concerned at first, and then he looked down at the table.  "Sirius."

Severus swallowed. His eyes flickered up to Harry's, and for a moment they just looked at each other, both lost.

Come on, Severus. Just say it.

"I ... I did something awful, Harry," Severus began, his voice shaking. He had to look away, unable to meet Harry's eyes. Lily's eyes. "And I should have told you from the start ... before we ..."

"Became friends," finished Harry.

Severus could feel his eyes welling up with tears.

Buck up - no son of Tobias Snape's will be a crier.

Shut up, Dad.

Pansy. Girly boy. Weak.

SHUT. UP. You're the weak one, old man. Shut up.

Severus looked away, and wiped his eyes quickly. To his relief, Potter didn't say anything. "The prophecy," Severus continued, feeling like he was trying to speak past a lump of charcoal in his throat.

Two roads two roads too late always too late - if I could take it back if I could have just - if I could have just fallen -  why was I saved why was I spared I deserve death, to die, to rot. Lily -

"I'm so sorry," Severus said hoarsely, and now he was on his feet and turning his back on Potter, leaning on the counter top.

"About what? Sir, you're scaring me," Harry said, his voice shaking.

Severus took a deep breath. "It was me. I overheard it, the prophecy, and I told the Dark Lord - I - I d-didn't know what it meant." Weak - no son of Tobias - "I was sure it couldn't be Lily but a-as soon as I heard I went to Dumbledore and changed sides but you have to understand I only joined because - b-because of my father - I didn't know what to do, how to get away I -"

"Severus, slow down," Harry said. He sounded faint, dizzy almost. But there was a firmness in his voice that Severus had never heard. It reminded him of Lily.

"I'm the reason you don't have parents." Severus heard the words before he realized he'd said them, and the voice that had come from himself frightened him. "It's the worst thing I've ever done."

 There was only silence.

Severus kept his back to Harry, unable to turn and see the expression on his face. It felt like a thousand years had passed, but in reality it was only seconds.

"I forgive you."

Severus froze.

"I forgive you, Severus. Really." Harry's voice was shaking, like he was crying.

Severus turned around slowly, feeling his legs going weak beneath him. He sunk into the chair. Potter's eyes were wet, and he scrubbed at them fiercely.

"What - why?" Severus asked faintly.

Harry gave a shaky shrug. "'Cause if Sirius was here ... it's what I would want him to do."

"But - but do you honestly - forgive me for what I did?"

"Yes. I do. I mean, look at us." To Severus' surprise, Potter rolled back his sleeves, and placed his arms on the table. Potter wiped his eyes again. The scars showed visibly. "Wasn't guilt what got us here?"

Severus didn't know how to respond, and every word he knew caught in his throat. He rolled back his left sleeve, and he placed his arm on the table, the scarred remains of the Dark Mark facing upward. They left their arms there, the scars in the open, side by side.

"That ... that was why I jumped. The guilt, I mean."

What Severus thought at first was Potter flinching, turned out to be something different entirely. Harry placed his arm against Severus', wrapping his hand around Severus' forearm. Severus wrapped a hand around Potter's.

"Thank you," muttered Severus, having to look away, his vision blurring, "for forgiving me."

"Thanks for telling me Sirius wasn't my fault, this summer."

Severus nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

 They pulled their arms away. For a second they just stared hesitantly at each other, neither seeming to be able to believe what had just happened. And then Potter fled the room, wiping his eyes, and leaving Severus in silence.

Severus found him later, lying with the photo album on his bed, sleeping. He lifted the covers at the end of the bed, and lay them over top of him.

He had a feeling Harry would be doing a lot of thinking in the next few days. It would have been a shock, and a bad one at that. He didn't really expect Harry to get over it completely for a while. He looked down at the sleeping boy, his face pressed against the page of photos, Lily waving up at the ceiling, smiling brightly.

"Lily ... Harry is very much your son," Severus muttered, turning away and walking quietly from the room, unable to believe that a sixteen year old boy had been selfless enough to forgive the man that had placed such burden on his young shoulders.

Truthfully, however, Severus suspected Harry hadn't completely forgiven him. He hadn't expected him to, and besides, what human being could do so immediately? But Harry had realized the importance of it, knowing full well the weight of guilt. It was this realization, that Harry James Potter had selflessly pushed away his own hurt to save someone else, that Severus exactly why Dumbledore so adored the boy.

He'd started to see it before. He'd even been sure his opinion had changed regarding the boy, but now? Severus owed Harry Potter his life. Thus, more than ever, he would do everything he could do to save Harry. And the first way that Harry Potter needed saving right now, was in finding a home.

The whole idea was crazy. Mental, really, and Potter would have to be to say yes. But Severus felt that a floo call to Dumbledore was in order anyway. This was one jump he wouldn't be ashamed of making. Even if nobody took his arm, and he went crashing to the ground.

 

***

 

Harry woke up to find that someone had covered him up. Logically, it had to have been Severus. He wiped his eyes, which were still puffy from tears.

He felt muddled. Like he didn't know which way was up, and which was down. He was glad he'd forgiven Severus. But he was afraid he hadn't meant it. Harry didn't know exactly how he felt about all of it. It had been such a terrible, awful surprise. Ever since Harry had realized that Snape must have jumped because of losing his position as a spy, he figured there had to be more to the story. More at stake. The Prophecy was the final piece of the puzzle, and it made sense. That didn't mean Harry liked it.

Harry felt a little lighter though, reminding himself that he hadn't pushed Severus away. He didn't think he could have done that, not after seeing how tortured Severus was over the whole thing. And to think, that moment was nearly sixteen years ago. And it still kept Snape up at night. He shook his head slightly. He closed the photo album, lying back on his bed and staring at the moth-eaten canopy of his bed. Snape's seemed strangely empty on the other side of the room.

Harry was glad to find that this new piece of news didn't change the good memories of the summer. He considered all the nights he and Severus had stayed up playing cards, and the silly pranks they'd pulled with the chocolate frogs back at Oak Tree. Harry thought of the things they'd shared with each other, and the terrible things they'd gone through. And the summer was ending so soon. September was only days away. If he had asked himself at the start of the summer if he trusted Snape, the answer would be a resolute no. And yet, now, even after finding out about the Prophecy, Harry felt like he still did trust Severus.

Although, maybe he didn't quite trust him as much as he had before he found out about the Prophecy. Logically, he knew that he had no reason to distrust Severus now. The Severus he'd gotten to know over the summer was the same Severus he knew now. But still, Harry felt a little shaken by the whole ordeal.

Harry thought of how he came to trust Severus in the first place. Trust was strange. You had to place a little trust in someone before you really trusted them, in order to build more trust. It was like an investment. If they didn't squander the first bit of trust you gave them, you gave them more. And then it just grew.

Yes, he would give Severus his trust again. And he had a feeling that Snape wouldn't squander it. He'd keep it, and he'd let it grow. That was what Harry hoped, and despite the confusion bubbling inside him, he felt like he had good reason to be hopeful.

Chapter End Notes:
There you go folks! Hope the chapter was enjoyed. Thanks again to all the awesome people still reading this, as well as to those reviewing. The story's starting to wrap up now. Won't be long until the end - wow. Hard to believe.

You must login (register) to review.
[Report This]


Disclaimer Charm: Harry Potter and all related works including movie stills belong to J.K. Rowling, Scholastic, Warner Bros, and Bloomsbury. Used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended. No money is being made off of this site. All fanfiction and fanart are the property of the individual writers and artists represented on this site and do not represent the views and opinions of the Webmistress.

Powered by eFiction 3.5