Potions and Snitches
Snape and Harry Gen Fanfiction Archive

The Diary, part two

The next morning came way too early for Snape. It had taken him a long time to fall asleep and now he didn’t want to wake up. Unfortunately he had too since Remus was knocking on his bedroom door.

“Severus? Are you awake yet? I’ve got breakfast ready.” Remus said.

Snape grumbled a bit and said: “Yes, I’m awake. I’ll come down soon.”

At the moment both Snape and Remus stayed at Grimmauld Place. Ron and Hermione had gone home for the moment, as the Order of the Phoenix had to come together so often they only sat in the way.

Snape quickly washed and put on some fresh black robes. Yes, even in summer he chose to wear black robes. You never know who you’re going to meet after all, and it would be bad for his reputation if he was seen in his favorite clothes: dark blue jeans, that were rather form fitting, and a dark blue shirt.

So, Snape set down the stairs and followed his nose (no pun intended) to the kitchen. Lucky for him, Remus could cook a decent meal and breakfast.

Since Snape was never very talkative during the mornings, Remus just kept his curiosity at bay. He did want to know what Snape had read in the diary, but wasn’t sure if he really wanted to hear it already, if this made sense.

Snape, who was very perceptive of someone else’s moods, noticed of course, but kept quiet. If Remus wanted to know, he just had to ask.

After Snape had finished his breakfast and cleaned up the plates, he sat down again. He wanted to go upstairs and read more in the diary, but felt he should give Remus a chance to collect his courage and ask him first. He didn’t have to wait long.

“Severus?” Snape grunted.

“Did you read something useful in the diary, or nothing yet?” Remus asked, while sitting down opposite of Snape.

Snape thought about it. Did he really want to go and tell everything he had read so far, or should he finish first and let Remus read it for himself? He decided that he could tell a bit of what he had read.

“Well, unless he finds it necessary to lie or exaggerate in his diary, I think he has us quite fooled.” Noticing the puzzled look on Remus’ face, he continued.

“Apparently he had read the books for his first two years of Hogwarts in his first year. But he didn’t want anyone to find out, so he pretends to be of average level. The Sorting Hat nearly placed him in Slytherin, he told about how he defeated the Basilisk and his wonderful life at those Dursleys. Frankly, if it gets any worse, we have to remove him from them. I mean, he was kept in a cupboard for crying out loud! And he didn’t know about being a wizard until Hagrid came to give him his letter.”

Snape decided to stop his ranting there, since he had revealed a bit more than he had wanted to.

Remus just looked a bit shocked. And since it took a lot to make Remus look shocked, Snape knew Harry had kept this a very good secret too.

“What do you mean with getting them out of their care? Isn’t he supposed to be protected there?” Remus asked, with a hint of worry. After all, Harry was sort of his godson from now on.

“Only against wizards with bad intentions is he protected with his family. Not against them. I think I’ll finish reading the diary today, and I think you should just read it yourself after that. Perhaps Dumbledore should too.” He added.

Remus just nodded. Snape decided that he had sat there long enough. He did enjoy the company of Remus, except nobody was to know that, since Remus was so obviously on the side of Light. And since Snape had to maintain the image of a Death Eater, he wasn’t supposed to be friends with Remus. But still, he was.

Back in his room, he went to sit with the window. The sun was streaming into the room, making the dreary place, a little more cheerful. And besides, it was warmer there.

“August 1992.

Finally, I am able to write a bit more in this book. My uncle had not forgotten the incident with Dobby last year and had decided that strong measures were necessary. So I was immediately locked up in the bedroom, my trunk and broomstick being locked up in the cupboard. Hedwig’s cage was locked up as well, only allowed out every two nights. Uncle Vernon checked all my letters that came in and went out, so no chance of sneaking hidden messages. Not that I didn’t try. Unfortunately he noticed. Burnt the letter, threatened to kill Hedwig and then knocked me out.

I’ve still got several very painful bruises which make it hard to move around too much, I think I bruised some of my ribs as well. My glasses were cracked once again. So I could hardly see anything. It’s much better now though. You see, on my birthday I got the lovely message that aunt Marge would be staying for a week.

Aunt Marge is this horrible person, really fat, always favoring Dudley (who doesn’t?) and she’s also got this awful dog, that hates me.

So I was supposed to be polite and friendly at all times, and still do all the chores and stay out of their way. Now there’s an impossible task if I’ve ever seen one. I asked uncle Vernon if he wanted me to succeed at this, he would have to sign my permission slip to go to Hogsmead. He actually agreed, which should have made me more suspicious, but alas, it was not to be."

(Snape actually looked proud at the blackmailing thing. Ha! He knew there was more evidence of the boy being a Slytherin. Quickly he read on).

"So trying really hard to ignore all the taunts of aunt Marge about my parents and me being criminals, how lucky I was to be to live with my aunt and uncle, how awful I looked, that I should have been drowned at birth and everything, I actually survived till the last evening of her visit.

She then got rather drunk and started talking about all the above mentioned insults. And then I just snapped. So I blew her up, unlocked my cupboard and dragged my stuff out. Uncle Vernon did get a good hit at me, but I was so angry I put up a shield throwing him off. He then said he was never planning on signing that permission slip, and had only told me he would, so I would behave, I got so angry I accidentally set aunt Marge’s dog upon him. Quite a laugh really. So then I took off.

Outside I started cooling off and realized at what mess I would be in. After all I had used magic and would be expelled. So I just decided on flying to London to get some money out of my vault and entering some far off High school, when I saw this big black dog. Since dogs scare me for a bit since aunt Marge’s dog, I wanted to step away, fell over my trunk and then this bus appeared. Lucky me. Too bad the minister was waiting for me at the Leaky Cauldron. But there’s a bright side to this too, I get to stay here at Diagon Alley.

Well, that’s it for now. Oh, I also found out about this escaped prisoner Sirius Black, that is supposed to be after me, but I don’t believe that. So not to worry too much.”

Snape looked thoughtful at that. He had been writing so much about why he ended up in the Leaky cauldron, and then just dismissed the thought of an escaped convict going after him. Just why exactly had he not believed it? Now this was some very interesting reading, so getting himself a bit to drink, he read on, again skipping a lot of things only going on about the first attack of Sirius, Quidditch and being bored in classes because he was so far ahead. According to this diary, Harry had been working on year 6 material around Christmas.

“May 1993.

I just realized that I don’t want to keep on hearing my parents last words, so I’ve concentrated really hard on my Patronus, and it worked. Of course, it would have worked months ago, if I hadn’t been so curious and intent on hearing my parents say something. Even if it is telling my mum to run away with me, and my mum pleading to kill her instead of me. I wonder why that is. Apparently Voldemort didn’t want to kill my mum, only me. So why would he want to do that? Only to torture my parents, because they seemed to be so happy to have me? Or something else? I still try to find out, but can’t get a lead anywhere, and Dumbledore evades the question the entire time.

Anyway, just last night I helped Sirius escape. Turns out he was my godfather and Peter Pettigrew had betrayed my parents. Too bad he got away. Maybe I should start killing every rat I find? No, only joking. I’m sure we’ll get him someday. I’m glad Hermione had this time-turner though. So now we’ve saved Buckbeak the Hippogriff as well as Sirius, who they wanted to give the Dementors Kiss. I’m glad he got away from that, since I nearly got it, and it’s horrible! That Dementor was looking awful under his hood, and the only thing I could hear where the screams of my mum. Oh, I didn’t want to be hearing those the entire time. Lucky for me I could send a Patronus to the other me, so the Dementors left us alone. Too bad we had Professor Snape knocked out. He could have seen Peter and given testimony, now, we only had Professor Lupin, me, Ron and Hermione’s testimony, and that obviously wasn’t good enough. Oh, well, at least I know I’ve got someone that will take care of me if he ever gets the chance. Too bad I have to go back to the Durselys.”

Snape sighed. Yes, that hadn’t been a fun experience. Being knocked out by so many stunning spells, wasn’t pleasant at all. He hadn’t know that Harry had been nearly given the Kiss. This only proved that those Dementors were loyal to Voldemort even then. It was interesting to read that Harry was sorry too about knocking him out, if only for the reason of testifying. He did let his hatred to Sirius get in the way there for a bit. All right then, for quite a lot, he thought to himself.

Reading on he read:

“July 1993.

As strange as it sounds, this year is not so bad at the Dursleys. Even if it’s only because I threatened to tell Sirius if they didn’t treat me right. I conveniently forgot to tell them Sirius is innocent of course. Wouldn’t do for a freak like me, to actually have an innocent godfather, now would it? If they want me to be a freak, then I’ll have to have more freaking things surrounding me.

There are actually quite a few things at the moment. The Dursleys still make me do all these chores, but it’s not so bad as it used to be. It keeps me from thinking about Peter. I know he has found Voldemort and is helping him. I tend to get these really weird dreams about it. Just last night I had one. I wrote to Sirius about it. I flew on the back of a brown owl towards a house covered in ivy. In one of the rooms the flying trip ended. I could only see the back of a chair, but heard Voldemort’s voice coming out from it. Then I noticed Peter crawling towards the chair. Coward that he is, even though I somehow find pity for him too. Since he can’t stay hidden as a rat anymore, he did the only thing he felt was still possible: returning to find Voldemort. And too bad he succeeded too.

Anyway, back to my dream. Voldemort and Peter were discussing something. About Hogwarts, and some big events soon taking place. Haven’t got a clue as to what that is all about. But even more strange was that Voldemort was able to hold and use a wand. He used it to put ‘Crucio’ on Peter. Damn, that hurt. It hurt so much I woke up from my dream. My scar was searing with pain, just as it does when Voldemort is near. I knew he wasn’t near, so I assume it had something to do with the fact he cast a spell on Peter. Whatever it was, I decided to write Sirius about it, since I didn’t want to tell Dumbledore about something that might not even be important.

I hope I won’t be getting too much of these dreams. Unless they’re useful. Well, we’ll see. Oh, have to go now. Pig’s just arrived with a letter from Ron. Hope it’s some good news.”

Snape pondered a bit over this part. So, Harry (he hasn’t noticed the lack of the word Potter!) had been having his first dream of Voldemort more than a year ago. No wonder it was so hard to teach him Occlumency. Especially if the boy hoped to gain information. Lucky for him, Voldemort hadn’t known about this connection till last year.

“October 1993.

Pffew, it certainly took me some time to write in this book again. Though there has been so much going on, I hardly know what to write down, and what not.

Well, something happened at the Quidditch World Cup. Someone took my wand and used it to conjure the Dark Mark. Luckily, I was found innocent. I do wonder why Mr. Crouch house elf would have done such a thing. I think Mr. Crouch is hiding something, but can’t figure out what.

Either way, the rest of the holidays had passed quickly. I’ve actually finished all the seventh year’s books, except those from Potions. I think I haven’t even mentioned it before, but I found this unused classroom in my first year. It’s near the room they kept Fluffy in. I now use the classroom as a Potions room, and made myself an additional room to use as studying, dueling or Library room. I found this handy spell in some old obscure book, so that whenever I need a specific room I only have to think about it, and I will get that room. (A/N: sort of like the Room of Requirement, only this room Harry made himself). I copied loads of books from the Library and have them stacked up in my own room. I’m also working on Potions from the sixth year curriculum. It’s a bit hard, because I need to do it all by myself, as I can’t even hint things to Professor Snape without him deducting points. But I’m learning, and it’s a lot of fun making all those potions, just as I thought it would be.

Enough about my room, I wanted to tell about the Triwizard Tournament being held in Hogwarts this year. Unfortunately my name came out of the Goblet, while I didn’t even put it in there. Only Hermione believes me though. Even Ron turned away from me. I wonder why I still keep up with him, I mean, he is bloody well jealous of my scar and fame! He can have it for all I care. I only wish I could live with Sirius and be more happy. Like that is ever going to happen.

I should really stop being so sarcastic, but well, this is the only place where I can actually be more myself and stop being that stupid Boy-Who-Lived thing. Ah well, I should really only be worrying about the first task and about finding out who put my name in the Goblet, and oh yes, keeping Sirius safe and fed. See, only a few minor things to keep me busy. Ha! As if, oh I forgot to mention the part of school in which I try to fail tests I could have past years ago. I think I’d better stop writing, I only get angry. Maybe shooting hexes at those dummies is a good idea? Yeah, think I’ll do that for now.”

Snape had to stifle a laugh. Oh dear, Harry could be sarcastic if he tried hard enough. It was quite funny really the way he wrote things like this down as if they were nothing. His mood slightly lifted, he made himself a sandwich in the kitchen and went to sit by the window again.

“April 1994.

I survived the first two tasks. Why oh why did the second task have to be in the Lake of all things? I never learned how to swim, the Dursleys probably hoped I would drown one day. They did talk about having me drown rather often, now that I think about it....

I’m now preparing for the third Task and feel a bit more confident. At least now I have a legal way to practice all those curses and hexes. Mustn’t make it look as if it’s really simple, especially since Ron and Hermione are with me when I’m practicing, but still better than learning all those things by myself.

There was a bit of a disturbance though. I actually fell asleep during Divination, not that this is so out of the ordinary, but because it gave me a dream of Voldemort again. This time he was talking about Mr. Crouch and this witch? I don’t know, but they were rather happy, something is going to happen soon. I hope I won’t have to find out about it. Wish he could just leave me alone, and stop trying to kill me. Ah, how much easier my life would be without a deranged mean wizard after my skin. Oh well, can’t have it all, now can we?

Of course I went to Dumbledore to tell him. It was a bit difficult to lie about how many dreams I’ve had so far. I only told about two of them, this one and the one in the summer. I never told him about the dozen or so, others I’ve had. They weren’t important, and frankly quite disturbing because of the lack of mean things Voldemort was doing. I mean, wouldn’t you think I imagined things if I told you I actually dreamt about Voldemort lying on some sort of bed, being hissed a lullaby by his snake Nagini? I would certainly laugh right in your face.

The most disturbing thing about that dream was actually the way it made me feel. I can’t remember anyone ever singing a lullaby for me, and since I was sleepy at that moment, I felt really calmed by that lullaby, I imagined it was meant for me, and it made me feel good. Of course, then I remembered just exactly who it was that Nagini was hissing too, and I nearly woke up from my dreams, but I don’t know, it confused me for quite a bit. Not too mention the fact that it’s just a tad disturbing to know your enemy is being put to sleep by his snake.

There were other dreams, like Voldemort drinking some sort of milk that he got from Nagini, Nagini wrapping herself around him when it was cold.

Voldemort ordering Peter around to make him something to eat, or stoke the fire, stuff like that. Nothing important to tell to Dumbledore, so I keep them to myself and of course this diary. I think this gives a good enough idea about the situation right now. I’m just waiting to see what I can find out.”

Snape had actually laughed at the image of Voldemort, his Master, being sang a lullaby by his snake. Then he sobered up really quickly, upon reading how Harry had felt about it. He must really crave love, to actually like Nagini hissing a lullaby. And not mentioning those dreams to Dumbledore. Who knew what Voldemort could have done with them?

Also he was intrigued by the room Harry talked about. When he was finished reading the diary, he would try to find the room and see what exactly the boy had been doing there.

Skipping a few entries again, he came to the one written after the Third Task. By the looks of it, the school year had ended quite some time before it, so Harry had actually waited very long to write anything down.

“ July 1994.

I feel like absolute crap. I don’t get many letters, and they’re not informative. I’m not allowed to leave the Dursleys, and they make good use of it too. Apparently Dumbledore send them a letter explaining about what happened with Cedric. Now they not only call me a freak, useless piece of filth, but also a murderer. Oh, it wouldn’t be so bad, but somehow I think they’re right. I did say we should take the Cup together, while I knew something was wrong. But nooo, I had to make Cedric take the cup with me. And then he was killed.

Voldemort only said: “Kill the spare.” Kill the spare, as if he had been something like an extra piece of furniture he wanted to get rid of. Of course, I was just a bit too shocked to do much else than stare. And before I knew it I was tied to that graveyard stone. Awful, I don’t think I want to go to another graveyard soon.

I was actually quite well prepared for the dual with Voldemort, but before I could show some of what I had learned, our wands connected and my parents ghosts advised me to wait with it, and take a run for it. So I decided to listen and ran. I took Cedric’s body back with me. You’d think the ordeal would be over by then, but no. Moody, who was actually Barty Crouch Jr. Took me to his office and wanted to kill me right then and there, while I was still trying to work the effects of Cruciatus out of my system, till Dumbledore, Snape and McGonagall came storming in. Well, I’ll save the details, but it ended with Fudge not believing Voldemort was back and Crouch been given the Kiss.

I just can’t help but feel guilty about Cedric being dead. I have these lovely nightmares of it too, and the occasional Voldemort dream too. I wonder what is going on in the Wizarding world. I know what is going on in Privet Drive number 4 though. I’ve been moved back in my old cupboard and even though I hardly grew, I still have trouble fitting in there. I’m not allowed to do my homework, so that’ll be fun to explain. And on top of that Dumbledore has decided it’s safer for me to stay here. Safe! Ha, if only he saw what damage Vernon can do with his fists, and belts, or Dudley with his Smeltings stick, or Petunia with her frying pans and damn, she can slap me hard in the face. I don’t think I look so well. They’ve still got Dudley on a diet, meaning I get even less and am still forced to do my chores, which then means I practically pass out, for lack of water and food. So yes, I might be safe from deranged wizards, but why not from my relatives? If you can even call them that. I’m not so sure I still can you know. I’m sure normal people aren’t treated like I am. But then again, as everyone keeps telling me, I’m not exactly normal now, am I? Damn it all, it makes me so angry, wish I could blow something up!”

Snape was getting angry while reading this. How dare they be calling Harry a murderer, a freak and a useless piece of filth! Hadn’t he proved again and again, he was much more than that? Then Snape caught his own thoughts, and had to restrain himself from thinking more about it. He just decided to read on. It should be getting even more interesting, since he was sure Harry would have written something about his Occlumency lessons and about Snape himself. He wondered about it.

“August 1994.

And there was me thinking it couldn’t get any worse. Just when I was allowed out of my cupboard and allowed to walk to the park, Dementors decide to attack me and my cousin Dudley. So I then conjured my Patronus. But now I got into trouble with the Ministry, they want to have me expelled. Stupid Fudge just wants to get rid of me. He thinks I’m bad for his image if I keep on telling that Voldemort has returned. Stupid moron.

And of course, Uncle Vernon wasn’t happy about the fact Dudley was attacked, even though I saved him from getting the Kiss, so I’m now once again, sporting loads of bruises and a sprained ankle. It’s getting annoying. Dumbledore is going to take me to some other House. Wonder where that is. At least Sirius is going to be there. At this moment I feel so angry about everything, why couldn’t he let me go to that house before? It’s not as if I hadn’t made it perfectly clear I didn’t want to stay with the Durselys like ever before.

Oh well, they’ll be here in about 10 minutes, so I’ll pack this book with my other stuff and wait downstairs for them.”

“August 1994.

How could they! How could my best friends do that? I was feeling horrible for a month, and get threatened with expulsion from my only home, and then I find out my friends have been spending the entire month together, and even my Godfather was with them. Damn them! I just feel so incredibly angry about all this. They know how much I would have liked to leave the Dursleys, and I put a lot of hints in my letters, but still I only got meaningless replies back and even now they hardly talk to me. If they think I actually killed Cedric they should say it in my face. Better being alone, than have your so called friends treat you like they do now.

At least I know I’m not going to be expelled, there was a slight majority voting in my favor, thank goodness. I wouldn’t know what to do if they had expelled me, I mean, talking about making it easy for Voldemort to get me. I think I would have run away then, and just left the country. Maybe going to Canada or something like that.

Oh well, I think I’m going to be angry at my so called friends for a little while longer, just to cool myself off. Wish I could do magic now, so then I could just blow up a lot of dummies.”

Snape growled to himself. No wonder he had been so angry. He never liked it either if he was kept from certain things that also involved him in some way. And then his best friends apparently treating him as if he was dangerous. How could they indeed? He had had too much experience with something like that only a bit too often too.

“December 1994.

It was horrible, two nights ago. I had one of the bad dreams with Voldemort again. This time I was actually this big snake, and I - he- well, the snake then, attacked Mr. Weasley. He was guarding something. I recognized the door and hallway, I have been dreaming about it for several months now. I wonder what is behind that mysterious door? Anyway, so, I woke up feeling as I was a snake and had just bitten someone. No surprises that I got rather sick of it.

So I then warned Professor Dumbledore and they got Mr. Weasley to the hospital on time. Thank goodness for that.

In the hospital Fred and George used their Extendable Ears to listen to the conversation from Moody, Mrs. Weasley and Mr. Weasley. They are afraid Voldemort might be listening in on our plans, through me. I just hope not. I don’t think he does, as I usually only get quiet dreams.

There’s the dream of that weird door and this hallway, but I still get dreams of Voldemort sleeping (he’s got this really big bed), drinking tea or talking to Nagini about something stupid as the weather, or if she smelled a traitor in his ranks. So far nothing of importance has come through these dreams and I don’t think they will actually.

Now, I’m just worried about Mr. Weasley. We’re going to Grimmauld Place for the holidays. I hope Sirius is in a better mood than this summer, or I’d rather have a godfather on the run than one sulking in a house I wouldn’t want to be stuck at.”

Snape of course, knew about the dream Harry had had about attacking Mr. Weasley. He didn’t know he had heard about that talk from Moody. No wonder he seemed a bit ill at ease after that event.

Knowing the Occlumency lessons were soon too start, he quickly read on.

“January 1995.

I have extra lessons with Professor Snape. It wouldn’t be so bad I guess, if only they would tell me why I need to get Occlumency lessons. Why is it so bad I dream of a bloody door?

I have read some things about Occlumency, but that was only talking about what it was for and how the incantation worked, not on how to learn it.

And Professor Snape isn’t really helping. I had hoped he at least would tell me why I had to have these lessons, but he doesn’t seem to want to do that. Neither can I get him to tell me how I’m supposed to clear my mind. I’ve never had to do that, but he seems to assume I know how it works. Well I don’t, but trying to tell him that doesn’t seem to work either. He just yells.

It hurts whenever he uses Legilimens on me. And after the lessons, it seems Voldemort has even better access to my mind. I don’t like this. I think Voldemort is going to find out he has access to my mind, soon. He shouldn’t find out about it. I read, he could take possession of me like that. Wouldn’t want that to happen. I wonder why Dumbledore doesn’t explain any of it too me. I feel like my friends know more than me. I just don’t know right now. I think if Professor Snape didn’t hate me so much, I could actually go and talk to him, but that’s never going to happen.

I know that Umbridge woman is checking my post, Hedwig came back all ruffled once. So sending mail to Sirius is too dangerous. She can’t be allowed to know of him. He’s to valuable for me. I need Sirius, he always has the right things to say to me, knows how to cheer me up and feels a bit like a dad to me. So I don’t want to bring him in danger by sending a letter, but I’m afraid I’m running out of options to tell anyone.”

Snape could only sigh at reading all this. He thought Harry had been told why he had to learn Occlumency. He thought Dumbledore would have told Harry what it was Voldemort was after. And he had (wrongly) assumed that Harry, as every other child, had had meditation classes.

It was customary for pureblood or halfblood wizards to receive a bit of training before attending Hogwarts. They would also learn meditation techniques, because this would increase their control over their magic and would also shield them a bit from all the magic radiating from Hogwarts itself.

All the muggleborn wizards however, got several summer classes the summer before they would attend Hogwarts. And this is where it must have gone wrong with Harry. As he was a halfblood, they had probably assumed he had already had those lessons. But since Harry obviously was raised as a muggle, he would have had to attend lessons with the muggleborns, but nobody had realized that point.

So now Snape blamed himself for this, he should have checked. He knew Harry never seemed to be able to clear his mind, but he had thought the boy was just annoying as usual and didn’t want to learn Occlumency. Now he knew, Harry hadn’t known what to do to clear his mind.

He just decided to read on, there wasn’t much more. It seemed Harry had only written a few times before it stopped.

“March 1995.

Oh I am so screwed! I cannot believe what I have done, stupid curiosity getting the better of me, once again.

Let me just explain. I was having an Occlumency lesson with Professor Snape, when he was called away. So I had to wait in his office. Snape uses a Pensive to keep his memories from me. Clever idea, but I was just curious. I wanted to know if he had placed some memories of my father or mother in there. So I just looked. I didn’t mean to touch the liquid, but when I bent forward because I could see something, I fell in.

I certainly got my wish. It was a memory of my father and his friends. Oh how they treated Snape. It reminded me so much of how Dudley and the Dursleys treat me, I got so angry at my dad. How could he and Sirius have done such a thing. And Remus only sitting and not doing anything to stop it.

Then my mum came and made them stop, but Snape did call her a mudblood. Then an even worse thing happened. Snape had come back and pulled me out of the memory.

He was so angry, I thought he was uncle Vernon for a moment, I was sure he would kill me or at least beat me into a bloody pulp. But he started throwing things at me and said to never come back to learn Occlumency.

So now I have this huge guilty feeling, but I don’t dare to go back and apologize. I want to ask Sirius and Remus about this memory too. Why did they treat him like that?

I’m also supporting a major headache again, since we did practice Occlumency again. I have a feeling Voldemort has found out, but can’t be sure. I think I’ll just go to sleep now, I’m really tired and not in the mood to talk to Hermione or Ron about this. Not that I will ever tell them about that awful memory of Snape. I can understand he doesn’t want people to find out about that. Goodnight I guess.”

Snape got really angry when he read about Harry looking into his Pensive. He had to use several strong meditation techniques to calm himself down enough to continue reading. When he read Harry’s thought about him going to kill Harry, he could understand the look of pure terror he had seen on his students face that day. It made his anger turn to those muggles.

Snape decided he needed to hurry it up a bit, because tomorrow he wanted to go and look at that room, he skipped a few entries that went about the DA, Dumbledore leaving and the O.W.L.’s coming up.

“July 1995.

I really don’t know why I still want to live. A week ago my dearest godfather, father figure and always being there for me, since two years ago, beloved Sirius is no longer here. And I as good as killed him myself (even though I will take my revenge upon Bellatrix Lestrange). I was lured to the Ministry by Voldemort. I had suspected he wanted to use the link between us, but so far all of my dreams had been true. So I believed him when I dreamt of Sirius being tortured in the Department of Mysteries. And I took off. Quite a lot followed, the fools.

And that’s even worse. I could have lead my best friends to their deaths. They say it was their own choice, that they don’t want me to be fighting things alone, but they could have died!

At this moment I don’t really care if I would go, but they shouldn’t. They’ve got family, and friends, they have to live. If they wouldn’t be friends with me, they would be safer, but trying to distance myself from them hasn’t worked.

And I’m keeping the biggest secret of all to myself. I haven’t told them about the Prophecy, but I will tell it to you Diary. Only if I’m dead or injured can this be read, so it’s quite safe. (Snape sat upright at this. He had been able to read this diary, which meant Harry was either dead or injured severally! He quickly read on, hoping to find clues).

The Prophecy basically comes down to this: “Either I kill him, or he kills me.” He can only be killed by me. Oh, and how wrong I had hoped they would be about that. I’m still only fifteen, I don’t want to become a murderer, or be murdered. But what lovely options do I have? Right, none. I would have probably killed myself, if it hadn’t been for the fact that the Order is keeping watch again, I don’t want Voldemort to win, and my friends won’t stop being my friends. This should mean something right? But I still got Sirius killed.

And now I only wish more that he was still around, as he would have been able to cheer me up. The letters with Remus are painfully difficult to write and read. We just act as if everything is fine, as if I didn’t get Sirius killed, or anything like that. But that makes it harder to write to Remus. I feel as if I have left him all alone, and he shouldn’t deserve that. I’m trying to make it up to him however. There’s this potion I’m working on, it should be able to help him out. If I can figure out what it is I still need.

Oh, I’m dwindling again. I have to put this in my trunk.

We’re going on holiday to Wales. I wonder what made the Durselys go on holiday and take me with them. They’ve never done that before. Also they won’t allow me to bring my wand or any other magical thing with me. I don’t want Dudley to find out about this diary, so I’ll keep it here. I also send Hedwig to stay with Ron and Hermione for the next three weeks. She should be fine. I only hope I’m going to be as well.

Uncle Vernon is calling, he made me undress till I wasn’t wearing anything at all, so he could check I hadn’t taken any magical things with me. I had actually strapped my wand to the inner side of my upper right arm. He found out. Now my arm feels like it’s nearly broken, and my wand is locked up in my trunk.

Uncle Vernon gave me the creeps when I had to undress. His greedy, pudgy eyes practically roamed my body. I feel dirty because of it. He hasn’t done anything or so, but he did keep staring for a long time. I hope he won’t do it again. I really have to go now. Till three weeks then! Harry.”

Snape was feeling mixed feelings when reading all this. He was worried Harry had tried to kill himself, he recognized the way the boy had felt. He felt curious as to what Harry was making for Remus and he felt angry at the way Vernon had searched Harry for anything. Make him undress, for god’s sake! That was just ridiculous as well as perverted. Snape did have a lot more insight on Harry, than he previously had. He decided that Dumbledore and Remus should read it tomorrow, and in the mean time, he would go and find that room and see what kind of potion Harry was making.

Drifting off in a restless sleep, Snape could only hope Hedwig would find Harry, and that he was going to be all right.


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