Potions and Snitches
Snape and Harry Gen Fanfiction Archive

Campaigning For the Naughty List

"You look dreadful," said Minerva, pouring Severus a cup of tea, her lips thin and her mothering look pinned on him as though asking what he'd done to himself this time. He swore he'd never stop being a student to her.

"I was up all night, what do you expect?" Severus said through a jaw-splitting yawn, taking the tea gratefully.

"Oh my, why?"

Severus drained half the tea in one scalding gulp, trying to give himself time to think of a reason. "Just thinking," he said at last.

"What were you thinking about?" Minerva started piling scrambled eggs on his plate, and buttering him toast.

"Minerva, really, I'm not twelve," he said, rolling his eyes and feeling himself go red. "I can butter my own toast. If the students see my reputation will be ruined."

Minerva fixed him with that glare of hers again, toast still in hand. "You haven't been sleeping, you've been leaving the school at all hours, and you've been falling asleep at dinner - don't think I didn't see you the other day. Severus, you know very well I have no children, but if I had one I would tell him or her that sleep is highly important, and if they are worried or ill they should talk to someone or -"

Severus placed his hand gently on Minerva's, forcing her to stop mutilating his toast by scraping it ever faster with the knife. He surprised himself by giving her a reassuring look, and she fell silent immediately, equally as surprised at his reaction.

"Sorry," she said, placing the slice of toast on his plate. "I got rather carried away."

"Thank you," he said quietly.

Pomona, who had been sitting a seat over and had been paying attention to her good friend's distress, set her tea down with a clatter and stared. Severus pointedly didn't look her way. Minerva, went still. Severus picked the toast up, and took a bite.

"I'm not sick," he told her through a mouthful of toast. "Just working on a project. Figure if I work hard I can get it done over the holidays with the school quieter."

It was a lie, but he couldn't exactly have told her he'd spent the whole night trying to figure out a way to break a hundred house elves into the school without anyone seeing.

"Well, take a break every once in a while," Minerva said, her words still dropping out one by one as though she wasn't sure what was happening.

"I'll try," he said. "Pass the jam?"

Minerva did so, still looking at him like he'd grown another head. Severus, amused, added a blob of strawberry jam to his second piece of toast.

"Severus, did someone give you a Kindness Concoction?" asked Pomona bluntly after a long silence, saying what Minerva seemed to be too polite to say.

"No," Severus said slowly, her words cutting through the all-nighter haze he was currently operating within.

Damn. That was it. He was being too polite. He was used to talking with house elves at work. They were so sensitive ... Damn. The workshop. Snarky Potions Bat was his real job. Not being Father Christmas. He'd been so tired he'd forgotten to act ... snarky. Odd though that was, he'd had to change his attitude to advise a bunch of house elves who looked so terribly disappointed if you acted like a Grinch in general. He really was letting himself go.

He could feel himself going slightly red as Pomona stared.

"Well, what are you looking at?" he snapped, and she looked almost relieved.

"If I didn't know better I'd say he's been reading self-improvement books," Severus heard Pomona mutter in Minerva's ear. Severus smirked slightly when Minerva glared at her. He didn't take Pomona's comment as an insult, though. She was a Hufflepuff. The very honest sort of Hufflepuff. Sometimes he rather liked it, actually. You always knew where you stood with her.

 

***

 

Harry nearly jumped out of his socks as he passed Snape's office after potions and the door swung open with a loud squawk.

"Potter, in here, now," Snape said with a deep scowl, sticking his nose out of his office, which was adjoined to his classroom. He'd disappeared the moment the bell rang and everyone began to pack up, the end of the theory session regarding their next potion having been met with a flurry of eager movements. Harry had suspected something of Snape's sudden departure.

Hermione and Ron gave Harry an alarmed look, but he just waved them off. There were a few "ooohhs" from his classmates, and Harry took them gladly. Let them think he was in trouble. He knew better.

"See you at dinner," muttered Harry in a low voice to his friends before following Snape into the office and forcing himself to look appropriately miserable.

Snape shut the door swiftly, and pointed to the chair in front of his desk. He then began pacing.

"I found a place for the elves to work," said Snape, rubbing his chin nervously, as he was apt to do.

"Awesome!" Harry cried, sitting up eagerly in his chair, which he'd shifted outward so he could face Snape despite his pacing. "Where is it?"

"Here. The school. Toffee found a room that will do."

"So, we can just get the house elves to what is it - apparate here, right?"

"Not after your little visit with Dobby," Severus said.

"But he came to Privet drive, not Hogwarts -"

"But after that little book of the Dark Lord's showed up," Snape said patiently, as though he had explained this a thousand times. "Dumbledore made security tighter. Hogwarts elves can come and go only, no passengers."

"So, how are we getting the Christmas elves in?" Harry asked, frowning. "They hate the floo."

"How do you know that?" Snape asked, eyebrows shooting upward as he ceased in his pacing.

"Oh, I asked Merry something and he brought it up," said Harry, shrugging. "You didn't know that?"

Snape grumbled slightly, an action Harry took as a yes.

Snape sunk down in his chair at last. "My reason for calling you here, Potter, is I have decided what has to be done to get the elves in the castle."

Harry shifted his chair back so it was facing the one behind Snape's desk, where Snape was currently shifting restlessly in. Snape sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I need to prank the whole school to get them in."

"What?"

Snape glared.

 "Wait, prank the whole -" Harry began.

"Yes, are you deaf?" Snape said, sounding almost hysterical. "The only way to get all those elves in here by the front doors. The lake is partially frozen, so the boats won't do, which leaves the boathouse entrance out. Any other door is too far from the workshop. I know. I looked for hours last night. So, we need a distraction big enough to ensure the whole school is watching, otherwise students or staff may see even if it's the middle of the night. Someone is always awake in this school."

"You really aren't joking," Harry said in awe. He could scarcely believe it. Severus Snape, Hogwarts Professor was discussing with Harry Potter, a student, his plans to prank the school. Hell had surely frozen over. The whole idea was absurd, and Harry, despite his best efforts, burst out laughing.

"What?" Snape barked, "what's so funny?"

"This will get you on the naughty list for sure," Harry said, gasping for air.

Snape's lip twitched, but he remaining frowning. "Actually, Potter, we'll both be on the naughty list." His voice was uncharacteristically dangerous, given the situation, only adding to the overall absurdity of the statement.

"Sorry?"

"You will be my accomplice," Snape said distastefully.

Harry's jaw dropped. "You're sure this isn't a joke?

"Do I look like I'm joking?" hissed Snape, looking mildly deranged with his fingernails dug into the surface of the desk.

"No. No sir." Snape relaxed. "But, what if I get caught? What if you get caught?"

"I am still thinking about that one," Snape said, looking rather green. "But for now, we need to decide when, how, and what we are doing as a distraction. I can have Toffee meet Merry and the elves at the gates. The elves will be able to sneak on the grounds just fine, and if they just take cover in the edges of the forest, the time to get from there to the workshop is approximately fifteen minutes, at the most. We will have to strike when it's dark, in a place where nearly everyone is guaranteed to be -"

"So, dinner time," Harry said, cutting him off.

"Yes. Exactly, Potter." Snape looked rather impressed.

"Alright, what are we going to do?" Harry asked.

An alarming grin grew on Snape's face.


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