"Come in, Harry."

Harry hovered in the doorway uncertainly, hands stuffed in his dark blue jeans.

Sarah glanced up from the manilla folder in her hands and quickly examined the young man before her. He was a lean boy, but far from gangly. His dark hair stuck up where she had observed him nervously running his hand through it during the group sessions. He wore a red plain t-shirt with a pocket in the front and a pair of new navy blue sports shoes. 

Harry blushed under her scrutiny and looked down at his shoes. 

"Please, have a seat Mr. Potter."

Harry's head shot up and he looked at Sarah questioningly. Sarah, in turn, looked back calmly and nodded toward the chair across from her. Appearing to have found what he was looking for, Harry made his way across the room and sat down. 

"It's just Harry, ma'am." 

Sarah raised an eyebrow, and Harry quickly corrected with a smile: "I mean Sarah."

Sarah smiled warmly back. "Do you have an aversion to your name, Harry?"

Harry smiled and looked down, shrugging, before catching himself and stopping. Severus had long ago attempted to break him of his shrug. "Sometimes," Harry replied instead. 

"Is there a reason why?" Sarah asked, patiently.

Harry looked at her and then at his hands before quietly replying. "The name just carries a lot, I suppose." He paused and when she did not reply, he continued. "It feels heavy."

Sarah nodded understandingly. "I imagine that it would with all that you've been through. That being said, you have much to be proud of. You are a resilient young man."

Harry eyed her suspiciously and she smiled. "Yes, I do know about the wizarding world. My sister went to Hogwarts many years ago. She was meant to attend a school in the States, but Hogwarts, as you know, is prestigious and they accepted her after our mother mailed in a petition. That being said, although I am somewhat familiar with what goes on in the wizarding world, my goal is to get to know you."

"Thank you," Harry replied with a half-smile.

"Furthermore, you needn't let words hold such power. One of our main goals here in the program is to give you your power back. Many people come in here feeling powerless." When Harry nodded, she continued. "Fear of a name leads to fear of the thing itself, or what it represents."

Harry looked at her, stunned. 

"What is it, Harry?"

"Nothing. Someone very close to me said that exact thing once."

"They must be very wise," Sarah said, with a wink.

Harry looked back with a serious expression. "He was."

Sarah's expression changed, and she grabbed a mug on her desk, sipping it. Harry looked around the room as she did, taking in the various books and pictures. One held a picture of her beside a handsome brown haired man, with two small children in front of them. They were standing at some sort of station, and the boy and girl wore black robes. 

 Those can't be...they almost look like..

"Ah, you've noticed my secret family photo," Sarah cut in, interrupting his musings. "Yes, those are school dress robes. My children are both magical as well, and attend a school here in the states. Whenever anybody asks about their attire, I just say that it was for a school project of some kind. It may be a bit foolish for me to keep it out in the open, but it has proved to be a good way to see what some people know, in any case."

Harry smiled saying, "That's brillant."

There was a pause, and then Sarah began, "Well, Harry, this initial meeting is just for me to answer any questions that you may have. I will be your counselor while you are here, and you will meet with me twice a week, and if you should request to see me of course." She paused, giving him a very adult-like look. "Do not be shy in asking for help, Harry. I know that talking is difficult, and I have noticed that you may not be talking enough."

Harry made to cut in, but Sarah continued. "I know it is difficult and that this is only your first week, so you get a pass and no lecture." Harry smiled sheepishly. "Next week I expect you to participate much more. Being a wallflower is acceptable in certain situations, but here you get what you put in. Does that make sense?"

"Yes," Harry replied. "I will try."

"That is all that I ask. Now, do you have any questons for me?"

Harry thought. "Yes axctually. Just one. How will I know when and where I am to meet you?"

Sarah nodded, "Yes, I almost forgot. Do you remember the paper by the whiteboard in our room that told you to go to the lobby to see that doctor?" Harry nodded. "Your name and last initial will be there whenever you are needed for any type of meeting in the lobby. You do not have to ask to be excused. When the time on the paper comes around, just get up and go. You may leave your stuff in the room unless you do not care to."

"Okay, that makes sense," Harry replied.

"Alright sweetie. It's time for me to lead the next group. Let's walk together."

Harry nodded, warming at the endearment.

_______________________

When they entered the room, everybody else was already seated, including the other group leader that helped teach the last group of that day with Sarah. Harry had learned that there was a method to the madness, and that groups were structured so that there was the initial check in group, followed by a process group (cringe!) and then a life-skills group where one is taught how to healthily approach life. These groups were more beneficial than Harry thought they would be, and he found himself enjoying the respite from the heavy emotions sorted through in earlier groups. 

 Unfortunately, this left Harry with his guard down on this particular day. 

Harry took his seat and picked up his binder, putting the notes provided away as he did with other handouts. Looking on the board curiously, he watched Sarah write out two words that caused him to feel like picking his stuff up and bolting. 

Guilt and Shame

Taking out a paper shopping bag from a cabinet by the door, Sarah asked for volunteers. A few hands shot up, and Sarah brought some big books over from the same cabinet, setting it on the table beside the paper bag. 

"Okay. Kaitlyn, you first. I want you to hold this bag, and tell me some things that cause you to feel guilt or shame."

Kaitlyn nodded, and self-consciously began. 

"I, um. I feel as if I'm not a good enough mother. I mean I'm here, right?" 

Sarah nodded and put one of the heavy books in her bag. "Kaitlyn brings up a good point. Sometimes, we feel false guilt. I will explain this after we are done here."

Kaitlyn continued until her bag was full. 

"How does that feel?" Sarah asked, with a knowing smile. 

"Heavy," Kaitlyn replied. "I would become very tired if I had to carry this around all the time"

A lone tear slid down her cheek.

Harry swallowed thickly, biting his lower lip in order to control his emotions. 

Sarah then had Kaitlyn give reasons why the guilt or shame should be let go, and had the group give their own opinions on her feelings. Harry remained quiet. As each issue was addressed, a book was taken out, and before long it was light and empty. 

If only, Harry thought.

"Okay," Sarah said, addressing the group as she wrote on the board. "Let's differentiate guilt and shame, shall we?" Group members nodded, as she wrote and continued. "Guilt is the emotional reaction that we get when we do something wrong. Similarly, false guilt is the feeling that we get when we feel that we have done something wrong, but we haven't. With that, can anybody tell me what they think shame is?"

Turning her attention towards the semi circle of padded chairs, she looked at Harry, before addressing a man to his left. 

"Warren?"

"Man, why did you have to single me out, Sarah?" He asked, jokingly. 

Sarah laughed and replied, "We have talked about this before in our sessions, have we not?" 

Warren nodded. "Shame is the feeling that I am wrong. It's like an all-encompassing emotion that affects someones self-image."

Harry bit his lip harder. ...that I am wrong. I can't do this right now. Can it be shame if it's true? Bad. Freak. Slu...

"Harry?" Harry shook his head and looked up, where Sarah was standing above him with a look of concern. He flushed and look down. "Stay with us okay?" He nodded, and heard warren continuing. When he looked up again, Sarah was looking at Warren as he spoke.

"...about the war. I think the false guilt can turn into shame, you know? I killed people. As a result, I can pick up the label, "killer," ya know?"

Sarah nodded in understanding. "That is very common in war veterans, Warren. There..."

The feeling of needing to run away hit a cresciendo, as Harry sat stock still. War. Remus, Tonks, Fred. You can't save anybody. Sirius. Killer.

The lamps that lit the room began to flicker and a faint rattling noise could be heard. A book fell from the ledge of the table, startling Harry. 

Shit, my magic. Harry looked around, atempting to make it stop. He couldn't calm down. He shot Sarah a look of desperation. 

Sarah looked back calmly, and hushed the group. "Reign it back in guys. There is a train that passes by here on occasion and tends to rattle things up a bit. I will however take this second to remind you, Harry, that you have an appointment with the doctor. Harry nodded gratefully and left, in a near jog. When he did, the rattling stopped and the lights settled. 

_________________________________________________

"Harry dear, you have to calm down."

Harry looked up, startled, from where he was sitting on the ground in one of the empty group rooms, knees drawn to his chest. He felt like he was barely managing to breathe.

"Can't," he replied, taking deep breaths. "Sorry, accident." He said, nodding in the direction of the other room. 

Sarah smiled. "You are forgetting that I have two children of my own. Last week, Oliver got so mad at his sister that the toilet exploded." She chuckled, and Harry genuinely smiled at the image. "Let's practice breathing. Alright?" Harry nodded and followed her instruction.

"In...out. In...out. That's it, Harry," she encouraged. When he appeared to be calm, Sarah sat down on the ground in front of him, legs tucked under her. He suddenly felt silly. 

"I'm really..." Harry began, but was interrupted. 

"That better not be another apology," Sarah said in mock consternation. 

Harry smiled and looked down before becoming somber.

"I try not to think about it. About the war, and about everyone that died. About what my unc...about what happened to me. After the war, I moved in completely with Sev, and tried to start over new. I got accepted as an auror. My friends got married. I finally asked Ginny to be my girlfriend. I made it my goal to make myself into the person that I want to be. But I can't get away from it Sarah. I swear I try to. I don't wallow or dwell. I just can't stop seeing it."

Sarah nodded in sympathy and adjusted her position so that she was sitting with her legs crossed. "I want you to try an exercise with me."

Harry nodded and said cheekily, "As long as it doesn't involve that blasted bag of books."

Sarah chuckled, appreciating the young man's sense of humor. 

"No books, I promise. This one is fairly easy."

Harry nodded, and smiled, nervously running a hand through his hair. "Okay."

"Okay. I want you to close your eyes." He did, automatically.

"That's it. Now, I won't touch you. You are just going to keep them closed. Okay?"

Harry noddded and smiled, warmed by her thoughtfulness. 

"Now I want you to think of a cartoon character. Pick any one you want. You don't have to tell me."

Harry thought hard, remembering a character from a silly show that he and Teddy watched last week. 

"Do you have the character?" Harry nodded. 

"Now I want you to think about the character. Think about how he sounds and what he looks like. What he does. " She paused. "Got it?" He nodded again, enamoured by where this could possibly be going. 

"Okay, now I want you to stop thinking about the cartoon character. Think about anything but the character. I repeat, you are not to think about the cartoon character."

Harry chuckled as he counted the number of times she sad the words "cartoon character." 

"Open your eyes." When he did, he saw Sarah smiling at him. "So, was it hard not to think about it?"

Harry nodded, smiling back, giving Sarah a questioning look. 

"When we tell ourselves that we aren't going to think of something, it becomes very difficult not to think about it, like with your cartoon character. So the more you tell yourself that you are not going to think about these things, the more your life becomes focused on those things. Does that make sense?"

Harry nodded. It does make sense.

"This is why we need to work through these things. People don't really "get over" the things that they go through.  Instead, you process through it and learn the skills to cope in healthy ways."

"That makes sense," Harry said. "I think that this whole shame thing is something that I am going to have to work through."

Something sparked in Sarah's eyes, before she looked into Harry's eyes and said, "I certainly agree, Harry. Shame is a terrible thing. When it is believed, it can lead one to a terribly dangerous place."

Harry nodded, his mind full of the image of being in his woods, a train barreling towards him. Rushing wind, hissing wheels. 

"Harry?" Sarah asked. He realized that she had stood up and was reaching her hand down to help him up.

"Together?" She asked.

"Together."