Potions and Snitches
Snape and Harry Gen Fanfiction Archive

The Desolate Path

January 1982

The incessant tapping on the window finally dragged Remus from a deep, dreamless sleep. Grumbling, he rolled from the bed and stumbled to the window. Popping the window open, he stepped back, allowing the irritated barn owl to enter his room in a flutter of brown feathers and irate hooting. Sighing, Remus moved back to his bed and dropped down heavily next to the bird, which squawked loudly. Carefully, he untied the letter and the owl immediately took off, flying straight back out the window.

 Unfolding the parchment, Remus skimmed the contents, not truly comprehending what the letter said until he saw the signature at the bottom -- Arabella. His heart rate immediately escalating and his throat seemed to be swelling shut. Reaching across toward the nightstand, he grabbed his wand and whispered a quick "lumos" before settling against his headboard to re-read the letter.

Dear Remus,

I don't know how long this letter will take to find you; I pray not too long. By now, I am guessing you have heard about what happened in October. They are all dead, Remus. Lily, James, Severus, even Peter. All our friends -- save Sirius, and he was condemned to Azkaban. They've even taken little Harry away.

I tried, Rem. I fought to convince them they were wrong about Sirius, wrong about me. But ten years of working with them, risking our lives and sacrificing, all the while working toward one goal, doesn't seem to be enough for them. They're pompous, ungrateful jackasses, Remus. I hate them.

 Those damn fools at the Ministry declared me ill fitted to raise their precious Boy-Who-Lived. Their justification - my husband was Death Eater and my twin is "the Betrayer." But he's Harry, not some damned "Boy-Who-Lived!" My God, Remus, he's just a baby.

 And if losing them all isn't bad enough, I have to endure the stares and whispers of faculty and students alike. Seems the only people interested in not treating with hostility and pity are the Slytherin students. The Slytherins!

 I don't know what to say Remus. I am sorry I didn't stand up for you as strongly as I should have. I hope you know I never doubted you, not once. Please forgive me?

 I guess that is all I really have to say, aside from good-bye.

 I can't stand living in this world anymore. Wherever I look, it just inspires hate and bitterness. I can't live like that -- I won't. I am sorry for leaving you alone again.

Arabella 

Remus blinked several times, trying to ease the burning. He had heard about Lily, James, and poor Harry, even about Sirius and Peter. He'd spent the past few months wallowing in his own grief. He never gave a thought to Severus or what Arabella endured.

His chest burned as he realized that Arabella had been left as alone as he. Only his isolation had been partly his own choice. When he walked away, he protected himself, isolated himself. He had months to adjust to their absence in his day-to-day life. It didn't lessen his pain, but it did make it easier to bear.

What must it have been like for Arabella? From what he'd read, Lily and James died less than 48 hours after going under the Fidelas charm. He guessed from her letter, that Severus had either died just before or just after Lily and James.

"Oh god, Bella," he whispered as his head fell back against the wall.

I kept it in present tense.

Remus didn't know how long he sat there, holding the letter. He closed his burning eyes and tried not to see the tear-stained face of Arabella his guilty conscience conjured. He remembered the desolation and sense of abandonment he suffered when the Marauders, Peter specifically, had suggested that maybe the wolf within had gotten the better of him, that he was the traitor working with Voldemort. The one person who had supported him had been Arabella. She came to help him pack what little he owned before he went into a semi-willing exile and stayed until she was sure he knew how much he meant to her and that she trusted him. He remembered the tears she had in her eyes as they said good-bye.

Looking back, he knew he never thanked her or gave her any indication of how much her support meant to him. It was the one thread he clung to, that someday this would be over and he would be welcomed back. He repaid that kindness and loyalty by abandoning her when she needed him most. He should have come as soon as he heard. Maybe he could have given her a link to hold on.

At some point he realized he needed to know more, needed to know what had happened, not wanting to believe Arabella had given in totally to her despair. Remus needed to find information and he knew only one place he could find answers. Rising from the bed, he quickly made himself presentable and left his small cottage and headed for Hogwarts 

Purposely, Remus apparated to the side of Hogsmeade furthest from The Screaming Shack, desperate to avoid those memories. He walked quickly into town and accessed the tunnel to Hogwarts. The more he thought of Arabella, the faster he walked; his speed fueled by his fear and anger. Fear of what he would find, anger that any of it had been allowed to happen.

He stopped at the end of the long tunnel to Hogwarts and tiredly brushed off the dust from his robes. His thoughts swam with bitter accusations. Shoving the secret entrance open, he strode through the halls to the perched gargoyle guarding Dumbledore's office and whispered the password used only by members of the Order of the Phoenix. With each step, irate thoughts filled his mind. How could they leave her like that? Why didn't someone help her? Arabella was always there when others needed someone, where the hell were all those people when she needed them?

"Damn it, Albus. How could you let this happen?"

The demanding, embittered words tinged with fear drifted to him as he climbed the circular stairs that led to the Hogwarts' Headmaster's office. For a moment, he paused. While the words themselves struck a cord deep within him, it was the male voice that stopped him. The tone of voice was familiar and managed to convey more than simple anger; it was vitriolic. But it couldn't that greasy git.

There was a pause in conversation and Remus could almost visualize the Headmaster regarding his guest, silently judging how best to proceed.

"She is a strong woman." He heard the controlled tone of Albus' soft, smooth voice begin, "Didn't you once tell me she was indomitable? That she never gave up, not on you or anyone else, even when you were ready to surrender? She will survive this, as will you."

"How can you be so sure? She is alone and betrayed. Everything she had to fight for was stripped away. How can you be so sure that she even wants to persist in this little scheme?"

The stillness in the air at the statement was chilling. Knocking quickly before losing his nerve, Remus let the others know of his presence. He waited to hear the Headmaster's response granting entrance before pushing open the heavy wooden door. 

Standing across the room, behind his massive, cluttered desk was the tall man with his distinctive, long, white hair and an equally long, white beard. Remus glared at the man for a moment before turning his attention to the other figure he knew was in the office. Remus studied the figure seated across from Dumbledore with cold eyes; making out the dark expensive clothing that hung from the pale, gaunt man. Remus waited to see if the wizard would turn to face him; as it was, the man's features were obscured by the chin-length, dull black hair that hung limply about his face.

"Remus!"

He heard Dumbledore's startled and concerned voice, but he couldn't pull his eyes from the man in the chair. Nor could he stop the trembling of his limbs as realization hit him square in the chest. It was Severus. The bastard had betrayed Arabella. The one person who could have saved her and he left her alone and abandoned when she needed him most.

The world blurred; all Remus saw was red.

From somewhere he heard the raw, guttural scream of rage that echoed through the room followed quickly by the screeching of a bird. Fury burning within him, Remus swiftly moved forward and grabbed Severus by the front of his robes. Pulling him up so there eyes meet, he glowered at him. "Bastard! Where the hell were you? How could you do that to Arabella!" he spat before throwing the taller man against the wall.

"Petrificus Totalus!"

The world titled and he felt himself falling heavily the floor. He seethed with anger as he tried to break his bonds, knowing it was futile. He could see the bright blue swish of Dumbledore's robe as he dashed to Snape's aid.

"Are you injured?" Remus heard the faint whisper Dumbledore addressed to the other man, but no reply. He did hear the rustle of fabric as Dumbledore assisted the younger man to his feet. Within seconds, both men, the elder visibly supporting the younger, stood above him. The elder gazed down on him with a combination of exasperation and disappointment; his eyes were full of sadness.

It was the younger man's face and expression that affected Remus the most, filling him again with guilt. There was an unnatural weariness to the man and his black eyes seemed empty and lost. He was a good thirty pounds lighter than Remus remembered and his skin abnormally pale -- even for him. While his hair was obviously clean, it was also lackluster, flaccid and uneven. The duo eventually moved from his line of sight as Albus' helped Severus back to his chair.

"I will remove the spell, but you will sit quietly or I will have you removed." Shortly after the Headmaster's stern words, he heard the incantation that freed him from immobility. Rising to his feet, he faced the Headmaster, who simply gestured to a chair.

Taking the hint, Remus slumped into the chair next to Severus. Letting his head fall forward he closed his eyes. He did not want to see his fears confirmed by a set of pale blue and a set of black eyes.

The truth was, he wasn't ready to see his own guilt reflected in their gazes. He heard Albus' calm and concerned voice question him and managed to raise his eyes. Ignoring the wizened old man, he turned to face Severus. Reaching into his robe, he pulled out a slightly worn envelope and held it out to the dark man.

"I received this and came straight here. I was hoping to find Arabella," his voice faltered. Remus took a few breaths and continued, "I wanted to believe I misread the letter or that she changed her mind."

Throwing a brief look at Dumbledore, he continued again, "I hoped someone noticed the signs and intervened. I just can't believe we've lost her!"

Remus's statement was cut off by a deep, keening and very brief moan. Throwing his gaze toward the man in the chair next to him, he noted the slight trembling in Severus's hands as he read Arabella's letter.

He studied Severus's reactions; the slow measuring breathes that returned his mask of composure, the slight quake in his hands as the letter was carefully refolded and handed back to him. Severus gracefully, even though his body shook slightly with the effort, rose from his seat and left the office without a word.

He watched the closed door for several minutes before turning to face the Headmaster. He, too, was watching the door; his pale blue eyes were watery and shimmering sadly.

"The letter said he was dead." Remus stated.

"Yes, well, until today I believed he was. He was severely injured in that raid just before Halloween. One of the other Death Eaters pulled him out and has been seeing to his care since. He came here as soon as he was physically able. He is still very weak, as you saw."

"And Arabella? Why?" Seemed to be all Remus could force past the constriction in his throat.

Albus Dumbledore turned his tired and possibly ever wizening eyes toward him questioningly.

"Why didn't you see? You always . . . saw everything, knew everything!" With each word, Remus felt his grief and guilt tearing through him. As he had in childhood, he found himself looking to the kind man with the long white hair and beard for answers.

As he looked into his idol's eyes he saw what he had feared he would, his own guilt and pain mirrored in Dumbledore's eyes. Remus waited for him to answer, still holding on to a small bit of hope. The Headmaster's voice was weary and regretful when he replied.

"I will tell you what I already told Severus. The Ministry and I agreed that with Lily and James dead, the only sure means of protecting Harry was to remove him from the magical world altogether. We feel that his best hope of not only living, but growing up relatively normal is with Lily's family."

Remus felt the rage begin to well up within him again; knowing the pain that betrayal must have caused Arabella. Albus paused for a moment, his expression telling Remus he was waiting for him to either start screaming or regain control over his emotions.

Finally, he continued, his voice gentle and soothing, "I am not heartless Remus. Nor did I fail to see how the situation was affecting Arabella. I offered her the only alternative I could at the time. I have sent her to act as a guardian of sorts. I have made sure that no one in the wizarding world can find her. She can only contact me in a situation of mortal peril. For now I think its best that the rest of the wizarding world thinks she committed suicide. She wrote you that letter knowing you would come here looking for answers."

Dumbledore seemed to wait for his words to sink into Remus' mind before continuing, "You must not go after her, Remus. It would expose Harry to much danger."

"And Severus?" Remus asked and watched as the old wizard's eyes began to shine. "My one regret is that she left believing that Severus had been killed. They have both suffered greatly. Severus has agreed to abide by my conditions, for both Arabella's and Harry's sake. 

Remus nodded, understanding. His heart ached for Arabella, knowing she would endure years of grief only to replace it with more guilt than she deserved to bear. Tucking his letter back into his robe. Smiling slightly, he inclined his head to Albus Dumbledore in farewell. "I'll be in touch, so you know where to reach me should you need to."

"Thank you, Remus. Be well."

As Remus walked out of the office, down the hall, through the hidden passage way that led to Hogsmeade. More than anything, he needed time. He needed time to come to terms with his life and choices, time to heal. As he walked, he remembered the years he spent here, the happiness and unquestioned belonging that seemed lost to him now. He turned to face Hogwarts one more time before apparating home.


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