Chapter 7: Memories lost, and memories found
Walking down the street all Snape could think about was Lily. Having practically fled the house after having a conversation (if you could call it that) with Potter, Snape was finding it difficult to think. When they were still friends, Lily and he would walk around these very streets. Go to the grocery store and buy an ice block on very hot days. Shaking his head Snape power walked to the store, trying to shake away these old memories which hurt him ever so.
Grabbing a shopping trolley, Snape walked down all the isles picking up a bit of everything. Snape tried to keep calm and distract his mind, so he made a mental shopping list whilst pushing the trolley.
List:
- Bread, Pasta
- Butter, honey, jams
- Vegetables (Tomatoes, Cucumbers, Carrots, Onion, Garlic, Capsicum, Celery)
- Fruit (Apples, Bananas, Pears, Grapes, Stone fruit)
- Tea, Coffee
- Napkins, Toilet paper, Tissues, laundry detergent
- Canned peas, corn, chickpeas
- ETC….
As Snape frantically moved about the store he was stopped an old man who worked there. He seemed awfully chirpy for his liking. Severus sneered at the man as he wheeled past, only to be stopped by said man.
“I know you!” The man said. He stared at Snape confusedly, eyeing him up and down. He then smiled and patted him on the shoulder.
“I remember you kid, my god, I haven’t seen you in what has it been 20 years?” Snape did not believe that anyone in this small town would recognise, or even remember him.
“Hey Pat, look who it is, Snape’s kid!” At hearing this Severus did a 360 and turned towards a window. In his reflection, he was his ordinary self. Groaning Snape realised that in his hast, he left the house without applying a glamour spell.
If any death eaters were here, he would be screwed. Turning to the man who was eagerly pointing at ‘Pat’ to come over and have a look, Snape turned to the man and said: “I think you have me confused with someone els…” He was interrupted by Pat who came hurrying over.
“How could we make a mistake, you look just like your ma, and pa.” Both workers were asking him a million questions. Snape having had enough, replied to both of them “I do not understand who you are talking about. My name is definitely not Snape. I’m Peter Evens and am only passing by, I actually live in Manchester… Sorry, awfully busy, Have a nice day”
“Well I’ll be, I could have sworn that was Snape’s boy… Ah well, best get to work Pats.”
Snape was at the check-out register giving the cash lady 48 pounds and 20 pence for the shopping that he had bought. Carrying all 10 bags of heavy shopping, Snape added to his mental checklist that they would need to venture into Diagon Alley and go to Gringotts to buy new clothes; not to mention bed sheets, and bath towels.
Quickly dashing home, Snape kept his head down hoping that no death eaters would be searching for him in this area. Snape did not want to return home, how would Potter be? He did not want to go back and have to explain himself again. He never wanted to describe his feelings for Lily to anyone. However, when he looked into her sons identical green eyes, he couldn’t help himself.
Once entering the confines of the property, Snape felt at ease. Opening the door, he made a dash to the kitchen and put the heavy shopping bags onto the dining table. Snape took his time, and slowly put away all of the food, not wanting to talk to Potter so soon.
As he put away the last of the food, Severus got hit with a very strong scent. He walked into the hallway and breathed in the air, he knew that scent all too well; blood.
He followed his nose, turning to where the scent was; the staircase. At the bottom of the stairs in a jumbled heap of limbs was Harry. Sprawled out onto the floor, with a heap of blood pooling around his head; the potion master’s eyes went wide with fear. After getting over the initial shock he sprang into action. Checking for a pulse, the slow thrum of Potter’s heart could be felt. Flicking his wand, Snape cleared the blood and lifted the boy to the old couch.
What have I done? The potions professor asked looking up at the ceiling. Trying to shake Potter awake, the professor yelled ‘Potter, Potter…. Harry wake up’. Ten seconds later Snape heard a groan coming from Harry.
“Aww, my head!” Harry clutched the back of his head with his hands. He was helped up into a sitting position by Snape, who was kneeling on the floor next to Harry.
“Potter take it easy, you fell and hit your head” Snape said slowly trying to tell Harry, who was closing his eyes, unconsciousness trying to claim him. Shaking the boy Harry jolted up, he started to argue “I want to get up”. Snape replied, “You can get up when you are feeling better”.
‘If I hadn’t rushed off maybe the boy would not have been hurt’ the potions master thought. Snape never wanted Harry to get hurt, he was just so emotional, he couldn’t help snapping at the boy.
“Look Potter, I’m sorry about what happened before. I should have never spoken to you like that.” Sighing the professor sat next to Harry on the couch. The young boy turned his body and furrowed his brow in confusion.
“Uhm, professor, what are you talking about?” Snape quickly looked at the boy and explained again what had happened in the afternoon.
“I don’t really know what you are talking about sir…. Uh maybe I have concussion?”
“Yes, it seems that you do.” The potions master could not help but be relieved. Obviously he should feel horrible that the boy had hit his head, which lead to his concussion. But not that the boy didn’t remember their conversation; he wouldn’t need to explain himself in regards to Lily. He would not need to talk Potter about how he called his mother that horrible word, which led to them breaking off their friendship. Sighing Snape went and retrieved a pouch which he always kept in his pockets, and took out a blood replenishing and a pain away potion.
The boy from taken the potions had fallen asleep on the couch.
He took the boy into his home, as Black’s ‘home’ was not safe. Since the boy had come to live with him, death eaters had stormed and burnt down Snape manor. Now the boy had fallen down the stairs; he could have bled to death Snape thought. The mass of the situation weighed down upon the head of the Slytherin’s shoulders. Sitting down on his armchair, he sunk in upon himself and laid his hands over his eyes. What would Lily say if she were alive? Most likely, she would kill me. One bad decision after the other, Snape thought.
Deciding that there was no point sulking, Snape went to the kitchen and started to make dinner. When the teacher got angsty he would brew potions, however, having no ingredients; he decided to make soup. Two hours later the professor sat at the kitchen table eating a bowl of hot soup. Hearing shuffling from the hallway, the professor put his spoon down. Maybe Potter had gotten his memory back? He thought, cringing.
As the boy walked into the dining room, Snape saw that his eyes were clouded from sleep. Getting up, the potions master poured Potter some soup and motioned for the boy to sit at the table. Eating in silence Snape’s shoulders were tensed, constantly wondering whether Harry would remember the book. After Harry did not finish his dinner, the professor recommended that he go have a shower. Using this as a way to distract the boy, the professor stealthily went into his old bedroom and retrieved the book Lily had given him.
Walking around his old room sighing, he quickly looked throughout draws, and his old secret hiding places under the floorboards; in order to make sure that nothing of Lily’s was left behind. Hearing the water shut off Snape jolted up from under the bed and knocked Potters backpack onto the floor, his belongings sprawled out.
Looking from Potter’s belongings on the floor to the bathroom door which would soon be opening, the potions master dove to the floor gathering then shoving Potter’s belongings back into the backpack.
The professor had one more of the boys belongings in his hand when the bathroom door creaked open. Not knowing what to do, the potions master held Potter’s belonging in his hands. As the boy walked into the hallway and into his new room. The potions master pretended that he was looking out of the window. Slowly turning around the professor bid Harry goodnight and a good sleep.
Snape went into his own room placing Potters book onto his bedside table. He would have to place the book back into the backpack in the morning. Whilst looking at the book, Snape heard a knock on the door which shocked him into dropping the book onto the floor.
Opening the door, Harry stood in front Snape holding up a wand; Snape’s wand which was left in Harry’s room. The professor snatched the wand out of the boys hands and bid him goodnight again. Snape sat on his bed looking at his wand, he would really need to be more careful from now on. Looking at the ground where the book fell, he finally saw the contents which spilled out.
Picking up the book he realised that it was the journal that Potter was writing in back at the manor. Picking up what fell from the journal he realised they were letters.
Laying the plain letters aside, Snape decided to invade the boys privacy and read what was in the journal. After finishing the short 10 pages, Snape realised that Potter had different theories on the contents in the letters.
Shocked, Snape realised that one of the letters was written from Lily to her son. The boy had yet to figure out who the other letters were for. Lifting up the letters he cast spell after spell on each of them. Finally after casting his own spell, only 1 of the letters glowed and lit up.
Written on the letter was “To Severus, Love Lily”. Snape stared at the letter for 10 minutes not moving. Why would Lily be writing to him? Severus wondered. Trying to open the letter, he realised that he could not; it was sealed with magic. Even his spells would not let him open the letter. Severus sat in bed until 3 in the morning trying to think of any charms that Lily had made. Lily was always very proficient in charms, and would always create her own spells. The potions master had the spell on the tip of his tongue, yet he could not seem to perform the spell; he did not know why.
Harry, in his room was quietly trying to fall asleep. He did not really understand what happened today, his mind still foggy. He tried to remember what happened over the summer but could not. He vaguely remembered being at Sirius’, then only a smidge at Snape manor. He honestly was confused; he had lost most of his memories from the Summer. Looking out of the window, he snuggled up under the sheets and drifted off into sleep. Not knowing that the potions master had read his journal, and solved another one of the letter’s mysteries. At this point in time, Harry did not even remember anything about writing said journal or the letters; he was completely oblivious.
At precisely 4:30am Severus solved his dilemma, and cast the spell over his letter. Using his fingers he ripped open Lily’s letter to him. ‘Even the letter smells like her’ Snape thought, the smell of daisy’s wafting into the room. With shaking hands Snape held the letter, sat back against his headboard; and started to read.
Letter
Dear Severus,
If you are reading this then I am most likely dead, and not able to say any of this in person. I firstly want to start by saying that I love you, and always will. This letter will confuse you if you do not swallow the golden leaf attached to this letter. The leaf will bring back all of the memories that I obliviated from you. Now I know you will be confused and more likely angry…. Thank god I’m not there right… ha-ha.
Sorry, that was not funny; you know, just trying to lighten the mood.
Alright, please swallow the leaf and read on from here….
Severus inspected the leaf, twisting it between his fingers. The golden leaf glimmered as he twisted it, on closer observation Snape realised that the glimmer were his memories; shown on the leaf like in a pensieve. As he put the leaf in his mouth, he felt a sudden blow to the head.
Being knocked unconscious, all these memories that he didn’t even know he had came flooding back. Little snippets, red hair, a church, a baby crawling; among other memories. Once the memory assault was over, Snape hung off the bed panting. Looking up at the ceiling, Severus tried to bring forth the memories which had just been returned to him.
As there were too many new memories loaded into his brain, Severus decided to read the letter; hoping it would shed some light on the situation. Slowly picking up the letter, Severus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Picking up from where he left off, Snape began to read the letter.
Alright, please swallow the leaf and read on from here…
I have spelled all the memories, once they have been returned to you, and only once you have read this letter fully, will they truly sink in.
As I write this letter, Harry is sitting on the floor trying to walk; he is merely crawling at this point. As you read this your memories will instantly come back. I think I will start from the beginning.
After our argument in our OWL year, I refused to speak to you at Hogwarts. James and I, it is true, we started to date in our final year of Hogwarts. However, what everyone did not know is that we broke up 1 week after graduation. Not wanting to spoil the celebrations, we decided to not say anything. It was I who broke up with James, and not a day goes by that I regret it. In the end, he became one of my best friends, and has used his life to help our family.
Once we graduated, I began working for the Order of the Phoenix. One day, I was in Diagon Alley when I quite literally bumped into you.
*Memory coming back*
I was walking down Diagon Alley when all of a sudden someone bumped into me, throwing us both onto the ground. Looking up, all I saw was green. Lily, not having seen each other since Hogwarts all we did was stare at each other.
“Sev” Lily said in a surprised tone. Looking at me, she shook her head, clearing her mind and stood up from the ground.
I picked myself up and looked at Lily, she was exactly as I remembered her, beautiful long red hair and a face full of freckles.
“So, I’ve heard that you have started your potions mastery” Lily said holding her handbag, looking uneasy.
“Yes, I have” I said in a very dazed voice.
As the memory went on, I walked with Lily into the Leaky Cauldron, where we sat in the back; in order to have more privacy.
“I really shouldn’t be here Lily” I said with an unsure voice.
“Pff, yeah… don’t want to be seen with a mudblood…. I knew this was a bad idea. Bye Severus have a good life”. Lily quickly stood up getting her bag, and ready to leave. I shot up from my seat and grabbed Lily’s arm. Persuading her not to leave.
Back to letter
The Leaky Cauldron was the place where we made up. You persuaded me to stay, and so I did. From there on we kept in touch, little letters here and there. James at this time was part of the Order as well, it was at these meetings that he tried to persuade me to come back to him. I flat out said no, however, he was so persistent that I did agree to one small date at a little Italian restaurant.
Throughout the date, I couldn’t help but think of you. What you were doing, whether you were safe, so to say it quite plainly; that date went to shit! James wasn’t very pleased, however, I think it finally sank into his head that we were not meant for each other.
After that date, I went over to your apartment in London; that you were renting at the time. You had told me explicitly not to go there, lest someone see me, to be honest, I didn’t really care at that point. So, I went over and you were your usual self. “What are you doing here? What happens if ‘they’ come?!”
*Memory coming back*
Lily rolled her eyes and barged through the door. She walked over to the couch and flopped down with a sigh. Not daring to sit next to her, I sat opposite her on an armchair.
“I went on a date with James” Lily said as a matter of fact. This to me, however, was a punch in the stomach. Looking at my younger face, you could see the anguish, then me trying to cover it up.
“Alright? what do you want me to tell you?” I asked in a somewhat bitter tone.
Lily looked at me, then turned her gaze to the rest of the room. She stood up then began to pace the room. She began to talk frantically, about the date, and James.
“……. It was horrible, he really hasn’t grown up all that much. Anyways, I couldn’t really stop thinking about you the whole time……..” Lily still mumbling on, Severus tuned it all out. Had Lily been thinking about him the whole time?
Severus was beyond shocked, when his younger self-stood up, stopped Lily from pacing and kissed her. Not a peck, but a real kiss, the ones that make you swoon. Without being able to secondly think about what was happening the memories seemed to move at lightning speed.
Next Memory
Lily and I were walking hand in hand around a park in the muggle world. Young adults that looked, at that moment like they had no care in the world.
The memory changed to us back at my apartment. Lily and I were glistening in sweat, and cuddling on my bed; our legs entwined. Me using Lily’s hair to tickle her during her sleep. As she woke up I could hear her laughter fill the air.
The memory changed to us at a church on an Italian Island, newly married and skipping (yes actually skipping!) down the road to the beach.
Memories pushed and pulled in Severus’ head: home, a hospital, a baby, Lily dead on the floor.
Memories have been returned: Back in Spinners End.
Snape was sweating professedly as he clung to the bed sheets with one hand and the letter in the other.
‘No!’ Severus thought, shaking his head back and forth. His life was a lie, how he had treated Potter, well not really Potter. Groaning, Severus hit his head on the wall behind him continuously. Tears flowing freely, Severus read the last part of Lily’s letter and mourned the life that he forgot, and years that he would never be able to get back with his son.
Reading the last parts of the letter:
The moment Harry was born you were instantly in love. You held him as he slept, played with him. However as the war wore on, and the prophecy was discovered, you made me do this to you Sev. Remove all parts of me and Harry from your head. You went to James, and asked him to guard Harry and I with his life, which I am sure he has done.
When you left our lives, Harry cried incessantly, which in turn made me cry. Even though as I’ve said, James was childish, I believe he grew 10 years older. I was so depressed, after having obliviated you, James pretty much took care of Harry for a month. Feeding him, changing him, bathing him, and playing with him to get his mind off of the fact that his father was gone.
Please know that I never stopped loving you, and that James was only a friend; I know your jealous side Sev! I can’t say how sorry I am, now that your memories are back you are going to have to make up for lost time. If you are still working at Hogwarts then you should go talk to Dumbledore, I have written him a letter explaining everything, as have I to Harry.
In order to protect Harry, I changed his appearance to resemble James and I, although now as his 16th birthday is close, his appearance will start to change. I do not believe that the change will be that dramatic, having seen how he truly looks without all the glamours.
This letter has been charmed in a way, where you will only receive it at the appropriate time. Only when you are ready, will this letter be sent. So I hope that it will be sent sooner than later!
Just know, that I love you both with all my heart even in death. Please know that I never regretted any part of my life. You were my husband, best friend and above all the father of my child. Love your son Severus, and your life will be full, and happy.
Till we meet again,
With all my love and heart,
Lily.