Fair and Foul by Lemon Curd

Hermione knocked at Snape’s office door. His answer sounded grumpy, even though he couldn’t know who it was.

He probably didn’t really dislike Hermione, just disliked people in general, Harry mused. Likely, Snape would make an exception for Hermione once he realized how intelligent she was.

Everything seemed so lovely and hopeful. Being in love was a hell of a drug!

“Professor, we need your help!”, Hermione blurted out before Snape could say anything.

She handed him the letter. “I am sorry to disturb you, but it is really important!”

Snape raised and eyebrow and unfolded the letter. “Please don’t read this aloud”, he read. “Miss Granger, if you don’t want Potter to know it, I suggest to not put it in writing.”

“I – I’m sorry, sir, I just ...” Hermione hid her face behind her bushy mane. “You can read the letter later, the thing is that Harry has been dosed with a love potion and I can’t brew an antidote yet.”

“Has he, now? Was he actually stupid enough to drink something handed to him by one of his many fans?”

“No!” Harry shouted. “I’m not stupid! I didn’t - “ Then he remembered their plan. “Uh ...”

“He ate an entire box of chocolates he got from an anonymous admirer. The love potion could have been in it, couldn’t it, sir?”

Snape frowned. “Yes, indeed. And who is the target of his magically induced affections?”

Harry couldn’t bring himself to say it – it was just too private.

“Professor Lockhart, sir.”

Snape looked thunderous. “Lockhart? Is that so? Potter?”

Harry nodded. It would be cowardly to not go through with it. Eventually he would have to tell Gilderoy, and this was the easiest way to do so.

Snape read the letter, but it didn’t make him any happier. At least it didn’t seem to make him unhappier, either, so Harry hoped Hermione still had a chance.

“I will prepare the antidote. Wait here, touch nothing.” Snape touched one of his ingredient jars, and the whole wall slid to the side and revealed a hidden door that must lead to his laboratory.

“Sorry, that didn’t go so well”, Harry whispered when Snape closed the door behind him. “He didn’t even ask you to assist him.”

“Don’t worry. I know I have to be patient.”

Harry nodded in understanding. Of course she would do anything for her love. Even wait ten years or so for him to open up a bit.

He would do anything for Gilderoy. Anything at all.

“When did you realize you had a crush on Professor Lockhart?”, Hermione asked after a while.

“After reading his letter – I mean, the letter I hope is by him.” Was that right? “I noticed how handsome he is for the first time today, but ... no, I am not the kind of person to fall in love all of a sudden, am I? It must have been when he let Snape defeat him, just to show us how it worked. That was so brave of him! And so humble! Anyone else would have really kicked Snape’s ass, just because.” Harry remembered what Hermione had told him and amended: “Well, you know. Most people. Snape isn’t really that popular.”

“I know.”

It was selfish to just talk about his feelings, wasn’t it? “When did you realize you were in love with Snape?”

“Oh, I ...” Hermione avoided his gaze. “Uh. He was very impressive at the duelling club, wasn’t he? So powerful ... um ... and when people talked about him having an affair I just ... wondered ...” She shrugged. “It must have started earlier, right? Perhaps ... in first year, after you told us he actually tried to save you while Quirrell was manipulating your broom?”

Harry nodded. He had almost forgotten about that. “Yeah, that was decent of him.” A good reason for Hermione to fall in love with the man, he supposed.

“The potions riddle was so clever, too ...”

“Do you think he actually has an affair?” He wanted Hermione to be happy. If Snape was in love with a beautiful blonde French woman ...

“He wouldn’t have left all of a sudden because of a love letter”, Hermione said. “No, that’s not like him. It is much more likely he won an award. He wouldn’t have told anyone, he’s so humble.”

They fell silent when Snape returned.

He handed Harry a potion. “Drink. If your feelings are genuine, it will have no effect.”

That meant he would have to decide right after drinking it whether to pretend ... well. He didn’t really want Snape to know ... perhaps he could just leave without saying anything after drinking it? Yes, that would be best. Just run out of the door, regardless of what Snape said. Would give Hermione some alone time with the man.

He downed the potion, handed the phial it had been in back to Snape and ...

What? What had he done? Had he actually told Hermione he was in love with Lockhart?

“Now, Potter, how do you feel? Still enamoured with an imbecilic teacher who is twenty years your senior?”

“No! Not at all! I can’t believe ... someone drugged me, Hermione! I mean, someone really drugged me!”

“We all understand that, Potter. Now do tell me exactly what you ate. Chocolates, as Miss Granger said?”

“Yes, sir. Must have been the chocolates.” Snape was being helpful, even though he was nasty. Hermione had a point ... wait, what? Hermione was in love with ... ewww. Snape being a greasy git was one thing, but a teacher! Twenty years older than her!

“Given to you by whom?”

“One of those dwarves Lockhart hired.”

“Along with a letter. Harry, do you have the letter?”

Embarrassed, Harry fumbled the letter out of its hiding place under his Weasley jumper. “Do you really think that’s necessary, Hermione?”

“The handwriting, Harry. Professor Snape might recognize it.”

Reluctantly, Harry handed it over. “I really didn’t ask for it, sir.”

Snape read the letter, thankfully without commenting on the poem. “Hm. That is not any student’s handwriting.” He cleared his throat. “Potter. Has Lockhart ever ... ah .. acted ... inappropriately towards you?”

Harry frowned. “I am not sure I understand?”

“Did he do things that made you ... uncomfortable?”

Snape made Harry’s life hell, and he had the gall to ask if Lockhart made him uncomfortable?

“He put an arm around Harry when Colin wanted a photo”, Hermione said, her voice quivering. “But I thought it was more, like, paternal, wasn’t it Harry? Like, fatherly?”

“How would I know, I don’t have a father!” But that wasn’t what they were talking of. What were they talking of? “It felt icky, though. If that was fatherly, having a father isn’t what it’s made up to be.”

“Fathers who are not acting fatherly are more common than you would think, Potter”, Snape drawled. “Now, it appears I ought to inform the headmaster. Miss Granger, you do not happen to have kept any remnants of that box of chocolates?”

To Harry’s amazement, Hermione reached into her robe pocket and pulled out the handkerchief she had lent him to wipe his mouth. He hadn’t even paid attention at the time, just gone along with it when she told him he had chocolate smeared around his mouth.

“It’s not much, sir, but I was worried Harry might attack me if I asked him to give me a piece of chocolate. He was very possessive.”

Snape took the handkerchief. “I will see if I can extract something from it. Are you willing to repeat your report of what happened to the headmaster, Miss Granger?”

“Of course, sir.”

“You, Potter?”

It was very embarrassing, but on the other hand, Snape already knew, and Dumbledore would likely be nicer about it. “Yes. Sir.”

Snape nodded, threw some floo powder into the fire in his office and called out for Dumbledore.

Moments later, the headmaster stepped out of the fire, wiping some nonexistend ashes off his purple robe. “Good evening”, he said cheerfully. “To what do I owe the pleasure of this invitation, Severus?”

“You told me you were hoping to expose Lockhart as a fraud. I am afraid we will have to expose him as something much worse.”

Dumbledore’s face sobered, and suddenly, he looked a lot more dangerous than the kind old man Harry remembered from when they got caught with the petrified Mrs. Norris.

“Tell him, Miss Granger. The whole story, if you please.”

Hermione had paled. “I – I don’t think ... oh, I am so sorry, perhaps I am mistaken.” Her voice quivered. “It is just, you see, professor, Harry got a letter and a box of chocolates from one of those dwarves Professor Lockhart hired. He ate the chocolates, and ever since ... no, actually, he was strange after eating the first piece. Normally, he offers Ron and me a piece, too, when he’s eating sweets - ”

“I’m sorry”, Harry mumbled. “I just didn’t think - ”

“But with those, he looked like he might jinx us if we even just asked for one. And he ate all of them at once, which isn’t like him, either. He read the letter several times and didn’t talk to us, until ...” Hermione swallowed, then continued in a more stable voice. “Just now, when we were doing our homework, I noticed he was drawing hearts around Professor Lockhart’s lessons on his timetable - ”

“You do that, too!”

Hermione glared at him. “And then he confided in me that he thought Lockhart was so handsome. I just knew it must be a love potion – he made fun of me for – um, for admiring Lockhart before, and all of a sudden he was totally ... well, infatuated with him. I, uh, told him a bunch of lies I rather wouldn’t repeat in front of Professor Snape, but I can tell you later, sir. Anyway, I got him to come here and let me ask for an antidote.”

Oh thank the gods! So that stuff about having a crush on Snape was all lies?

“Do you really think it was Professor Lockhart who sent him the chocolates, sir?” Hermione asked Snape, her lip quivering as though she was about to cry. “It couldn’t – couldn’t just have been a prank by some girl he made fun of for having a crush?”

“I do think I recognize the handwriting.” Snape handed the letter with the poem over to Dumbledore. “Action must be taken immediately. You do recall, headmaster, that Gilderoy was oddly keen on supervising Potter’s detention?”

“You were, too”, Harry grumbled. The hours spent pickling toads stuck in his memory as some of the most unpleasant hours he had ever had in Hogwarts.

“Potter, tell the headmaster about the time Lockhart put an arm around you.”

“There’s not much to tell, okay? Colin was trying to get a photo of me, and before I could get away, Lockhart snatched me and gripped my shoulder so hard I couldn’t get away. And, he, uh ...” Was he misremembering? He must be, surely, this couldn’t have happened? “He, uh, stroked my neck before he let go.”

“See? This man must be removed from the school, immediately! You cannot wait until he does something even worse!”

Dumbledore stroked his beard. “Yes, Severus, you do have a point, but there is no solid proof of anything ...”

“We have the testimonies of those children, and I will be able to prove that the chocolate given to Potter contained a love potion – probably amortentia, by Miss Granger’s description. What more do you need?”

“I agree with you, and I will take steps to keep the students safe, but you have to understand, Severus, such crimes are notoriously hard to prove ...”

Snape gave him a withering glare. “Only because you don’t accept witness testimonies as proof.”

“The wizengamot does not accept testimonies. Or memories. Or confessions under veritaserum. Trust me, Severus, I tried to expose him as a fraud, and even that was impossible without solid proof.” Dumbledore sighed. “Harry, Hermione, I think it is high time for you to retire to your common room.”

“I will escort them there”, Snape said at once. “Good evening, headmaster.”

He sounded rather angry with Dumbledore, but Harry wasn’t sure why. He was, in fact, not sure why there was talk about a crime at all.

Okay, so Lockhart was a fraud – he had figured that out early on - and had played a nasty prank on Harry, but was that illegal?

“You may tell your friends that I caught you out after curfew”, Snape stated as he led them out of the dungeons, robes billowing behind him. “And you will serve detention with me at the exact point in time when Lockhart tries to get you alone. Any of you. You will tell him that you have to hurry as you are late for your detention with me.”

“Even if it is during lessons, sir?”

“He doesn’t know my schedule, and if he happens to know I am teaching at that very moment, tell him that’s what I told you and that I might require a subject to test potions on.”

“Thank you, sir”, Hermione said, just as they arrived at the fat lady’s portrait. “We will.”

Confused, Harry followed her into the common room.

“Nice visit to the library?”, Ron asked, having just finished a game of exploding snap with Fred and George.

“Yes, actually”, Hermione said, though she did not sound at all cheerful. “We found out something about Professor Lockhart. Ron, this is important. You can’t ever be alone with him. If he tries to get you to stay after class or anything, tell him you have detention with Professor Snape.”

“What? No! If I tell anyone I have detention with Snape, he will make it come true!”

“Trust me, Ron, you will prefer detention with Snape to what Lockhart might do to you.”

“What’s that all about? I thought you liked the idiot?”

“I used to”, Hermione said, grimacing. “But – oh, Ron, just be careful. Remember Quirrell? We thought he was harmless, too.”

She followed Harry to the boys’ dorm, which was still empty. “Do you think we should warn anyone else? I would, but I don’t think the girls would listen – he is very handsome.” She sighed.

Harry stared at her. “Wait, didn’t you say you didn’t have a crush on him?”

“That was just to get you to go to Professor Snape with me. I had a crush on him alright. But after what he has done – oh Harry, I still can’t believe it.”

“What’s the problem? That was a nasty prank, sure, but why does Snape think they can kick him out of the school for it? Snape has done worse!”

Hermione stared at him, utterly confused. “But Harry – don’t you understand? If you had gone to Lockhart’s office – can’t you imagine what he might have wanted to do to you?”

“I dunno? Laugh at me?”

“Well, I can’t ... Harry, what if Professor Snape had given me a love potion. Wouldn’t you be worried at all?”

“Of course I’d be! That would be gross. He might even try to kiss you.” Harry grimaced. “Wait – you think ... ewww.”

“Finally you get it. Yes, exactly. That is what Lockhart would have done if I hadn’t done something about it.”

“But I’m a boy! I mean, I didn’t think about it when I was drugged, only thought Ron wouldn’t like it, but ... really, why would he ... do you think he’s queer?” Lockhart was kinda vain, but to be fair, Dumbledore also dressed extravagantly, it just seemed to be a wizard thing ...

“Queer is a slur, please don’t use it. And no, I don’t think he is gay, exactly. Men who molest children often don’t care what the sex of the child is”, Hermione lectured. “They just want an easy victim. We can’t expect that girls will be safe.”

“You think he’s really dangerous? Not just a bit icky?”

Hermione rolled her eyes. “Yes, Harry. He drugged you! What the heck is wrong with you? Do you care about your own safety so little?”

Harry shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just that I had much worse stuff happen to me.”

“Worse?”

“There was the time Dudley tricked me into drinking juice he’d put rat poison into – I had to throw up and my nose bled for days after.”

Hermione stared at him. “And your aunt and uncle didn’t do anything about that?”

“They were probably proud of how clever their little Duddikins was.” He wasn’t sure they had known – he certainly hadn’t told them. They never punished Dudley, anyways.

“Hm.” Hermione frowned. “I have a cousin who tricked me into eating meat when I was a vegetarian.”

“You were a vegetarian?”

“Only when I was seven. Stopped when I turned nine, because I read they kill animals for milk and eggs, too, so it seemed rather pointless. And of course, once I got my Hogwarts letter .... no idea what I’d do in potions if I still was a vegetarian.” She shrugged. “Must be terrible to actually live with such a cousin. What else does he do?”

Harry didn’t want to tell her about how Dudley tormented him every day – it was rather embarrassing that Harry let him – but there were plenty stories about Dudley’s horrid behaviour that didn’t feature Harry as the victim.

“His eleventh birthday, we went to the zoo and he behaved like an ass. You know, knocking on the glass on the reptile’s terrariums because they weren’t moving and he found them boring, that sort of thing.”

“Sounds like my cousin.” Hermione grimaced sympathetically.

“Yeah. It all turned out pretty okay, because I talked to a snake and accidentally freed it. That is, I wanted to free it, somehow, because it seemed unhappy, but I didn’t really mean to make the glass vanish. Dudley was in such a panic! The snake didn’t even care about him, just said goodbye to me and how it looked forward to going to Brazil. I got locked in my cupboard for weeks for that, but it was totally worth it.”

Hermione frowned. “Your cupboard?”

Oh, shit. “That’s what they called my old room. It was a bit small.”

“And you talked to a snake?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Harry, that’s a really rare ability. And I wouldn’t tell anyone about that, if I were you. Salazar Slytherin was a parselmouth, that is, someone who could talk to snakes. It is considered a sign someone is a dark wizard.”

“But that’s nonsense. The snake was really nice, not at all dark or anything.”

“I know, Harry. It is all prejudices, but you have to be careful.”

The next day, they were told they weren’t allowed to go anywhere on their own, allegedly due to the monster, but Harry was pretty sure it was actually something Dumbledore was doing because of Lockhart – because Lockhart never accompanied them to the next lesson.

Dumbledore always mysteriously appeared to take over that duty.

The teachers took turns to escort groups of students to the library on some days, and Harry discovered, to his horror, that Snape had the password for Gryffindor tower.

Hermione didn’t seem bothered by it – she even talked to Snape when they were in the library, but so quietly Harry couldn’t overhear what she said.

When he asked her later, she claimed she had just discussed a theory she had on Slytherins monster with him.

“Are you sure you don’t have a crush on him?”

“Yes, pretty sure. Though I guess he would have been a better choice than Lockhart”, she shot back, annoyed. “He doesn’t send students love poems.”

“Wait, why would you want to have a crush on someone you don’t have a chance with?”

Hermione sighed. “See, I thought I wanted a chance with Lockhart, but actually, I dreamed about growing up and him noticing how pretty I am – once I grow up. We are children! I only realized how creepy it is when he sent you that letter. He didn’t send that letter to some imagined adult version of you, Harry, he sent it to a twelve year old!”

She was right, that was a bit weird, now that she mentioned it. Harry suspected that he didn’t really know what was normal. His childhood hadn’t exactly been normal, after all.
He didn’t like it when Lockhart touched him, but he also didn’t like it when Uncle Vernon grabbed his shirt and shook him, and he had gotten used to the latter. It was just one of those things you had to deal with.

Now that Hermione had mentioned it, though, Harry found Ginny’s valentine much nicer. Sure, she wasn’t exactly a poet, but it was pretty obvious that she really thought he was great.

With Lockhart ... why would an adult man think a boy of twelve was the best thing since sliced bread?

Normal adults like Mrs. Weasley weren’t so very impressed by this Boy-Who-Lived thing. Harry remembered how she had scolded Ginny for staring at him. She’d treated him just like a lost little boy, which he had been.

He had grown up a lot since then, but Hermione was right, he still was a child.

Lockhart was probably lying. And even if he wasn’t ... Hermione was right, it was a bit creepy.