Dumbledore’s door was open when Severus arrived, an ominous invitation hanging over the threshold.

He couldn’t feel his hands or feet. His heart slammed against his sternum like rainfall.

not possible she married Potter it's impossible

Only one source of light met Severus as he entered. The Pensive stood in the middle of the room, casting moving, unending shadows that swirled around him like a secret. Dumbledore stood beside it, as though he were a priest waiting for Severus to give confession. His eyes were the color of the Pensive’s shadows. A feeling in his chest like a fist was pulsing wildly as Severus tried to rationalize what was happening.

mum obliviated you she said you wouldn’t remember

you loved her

you made her

“You knew.” Severus tried to scream, but it came out hollow and quiet, like wind whistling through a log. 

Dumbledore clasped his hands together tightly in front of him. “I did not know anything definitively.” he said, with a calmness that made Severus’ molars ache. “Ariel had Lily’s letter in her possession, so it was impossible to know for certain.”

Severus wanted to rip open the air in front of them and suck them both into it. He wanted to bend the fabric of time so he could break out of this reality and back into the one where Lily’s daughter left him alone, and Severus was no one’s father.

she said you’re my dad

you’re my father

“It’s not —” Severus tried to say, but he was quickly interrupted.

“Surely Severus, you recognize the eyes?” Dumbledore’s own were steely blue, the color of amethyst and the ocean during a storm.

I never should have told you I never should have let you see

bright eyes like the galaxy that housed stars

To have Dumbledore confirming this madness was almost too much to bear. Severus felt like he was stuck in a nightmare that kept stretching on and on, and any moment now, he’d awaken in his chambers, the girl’s detention a distant memory. Deep down, beneath the box where Lily was kept, in a place so dark and cold that it was unreachable to even him, Severus knew that Lily’s daughter and Dumbledore were telling the truth.

(he had killed Lily twice, now)

The moving shapes on the wall were becoming distorted as the room spun around him. Severus steadied himself on the bookcase beside the door and glared viciously at him. “Why not tell me, then? Why allow me to be blindsided?”

“You would not have accepted it, had it come from me. This was Ariel’s task, not mine.” Dumbledore finally looked away, his unrelenting stare moving to the Pensive. “I wrestled with the idea of telling you myself, but it was quite clear from Lily’s memories that she always intended for you to know based on Ariel’s own assessment of you.”

“She is a child!” Severus snarled.

“She is your child,” Dumbledore said solemnly. “and one you have vowed to protect at all costs. You already had a personal stake in her arrival to Hogwarts. However, I was uncertain if Ariel had actually read Lily’s letter. When Filius informed me that she was inquiring about it, I suspected that she’d been unable, but when you revealed that she already knew the contents, it was only a matter of time until Ariel told you herself. As I mentioned previously, your efforts at Petunia’s did not go unnoticed.”

“I am wholly unsuitable!” he looked around wildly for a route of escape, but something inside of him when rumbling to life, an overwhelming urge to look inside the Pensive and retrieve what he had unknowingly lost. “Even if the girl is mine, the very thought —”

“This type of rejection is what led Tom down a path he could not come back from.” Dumbledore said in a voice like iron — cold, hard, and heavy.

“The girl is not the Dark Lord.” Severus thought of the look of wonder in her eyes when she’d first gazed up at Hogwarts. She’d been missing a shoe after Apparating and had twigs sticking out of her hair, but she’d worn an expression of pure joy, like she was the luckiest girl in the world instead of spending almost her entire life stuffed inside of a cupboard, like an old sock. She was Lily’s daughter through and through.

“No, she’s not.” Dumbledore agreed. “She is moldable, though. She possesses an incredible capacity to love, not so different from the devotion you’ve shown her mother. That kind of ability can easily be turned into something dark and unreachable. You cannot allow her to fall victim to that. It’s imperative that Ariel grows up understanding that love transcends all else.”

“Lily would not have wanted a Death Eater to raise her only child.” Severus said through bloodless lips.

Dumbledore stared at him for a long time, as if he were a creature he’d never seen before. There was pity in his gaze, though, and an immense amount of sadness that Severus had seen in the girl’s face moments earlier. It curled around his heart like barbed wire, cutting away at him piece by piece.

“She has left you a memory,” Dumbledore finally said. “two, actually. I believe she wanted the second to be viewed by both you and Ariel — together. The first, however, was intended for you, Severus.”

He warily stepped towards the Pensive

and prepared himself to face his sins.

———

8 December, 1979

It was bitterly cold for a winter day in Hogsmeade. Sure, it was always cold this far north in Scotland, but something was different about today that chilled Lily to the bone.

It was a welcome distraction to think about the cold again. It had been only a few months since Lily had been to Hogsmeade, but it brought back a familiarity that Hogwarts and school had always held in her mind, and in her heart. James and Sirius, flying into the Quidditch store the second they arrived, leaving Lily and Remus to roll their eyes after them. Peter had always stood there, looking torn between who he’d rather go with. Usually, it was James, but Peter had been acting rather strangely towards their final days as students and had resigned himself to the Gryffindor common room to study instead of accompanying them on their weekend outings. Lily didn’t blame him. All of the things happening were too scary to face, unless you had to.

Lily pushed the thought away from her mind. The wind bit at her heels as she picked up her pace and headed for the Hog’s Head. As she entered the pub, the warm air and cacophony of voices hit her senses, and for a moment, she was a student again. But reality soon settled in as several unfamiliar faces turned to look at the new patron, and it was then that Lily remembered that she was in the middle of a war and not a doey-eyed school girl. But then again, had she ever been one?

He was sitting in the farthest corner, away from all the people and with his head down, though he lit up at the sight of her. It didn’t hide the bags under his eyes or the mess of hair atop his head. Even in the dimness of the pub’s light, Lily could sense the weariness radiating from him like solar flares.

“You’re not taking care of yourself again, Remus.” Lily sighed as she slid into the chair across from him. “It’s only been a week since I’ve last seen you and you already look worse. Can’t I trust James to take care of you?”

“If anyone needs to be taken care of, it’s James.” Remus smiled, though it was a sad one that didn’t quite reach his kind, grey eyes.

“Don’t you start.” Lily warned. “We’re talking about you right now, Remus Lupin.”

“He’s lost without you, Lily.”

“He asked me to marry him, Remus.” Lily rolled her eyes. “You act as though he asked if he was allowed to buy a dog. Stop trying to change the subject. How’re you feeling?”

He sighed, a heavy sound that folded over them like a blanket. “You can say no, you know. Or at least, no for right now.”

Oh, she knew she could. Quite frankly, Lily had contemplated saying it right then and there when James had asked – bent down on one knee, his hazel eyes gazing up at her, burning for the “yes,” that hadn’t come as naturally as Lily had thought it would. But they were only eighteen, for Merlin’s sake, and while she knew that she loved James, she didn’t know if it was enough for her right now. With the recent death of her parents and a war raging on around her where people like Lily were being targeted, marriage seemed very, very tempting, a safety net that would have caught her just as she’d fallen, and she felt very comfortable falling with James.

But she hadn’t, and so Lily had gently told James that she needed time to think, time apart from him for a while. And so she and Remus, who had turned out to be her closest companion during these past three years, met up weekly, where he would try and convince her to talk to James, and Lily would try and convince him to take better care of himself. Honestly, what was Sirius doing? Why wasn’t he helping?

That was a stupid question. He was probably doting on James, who stopped functioning when hit with any sort of negative emotion. James would fold like a house of cards, which made having any sort of productive conversation with him near impossible. It frustrated Lily to no end, because her temper was explosive, and every time it ignited James would simply apologize. It drove Lily mad, not being able to argue with him. You had to argue about things, or else, nothing would be resolved.

Lily didn’t answer Remus, partly because she didn’t want to, and because she didn’t know how to answer.

Instead, she reached a hand across the table and took Remus’ in hers. “How are you? Really?”

“I’m fine, Lily.” Remus sighed, squeezing her hand before pulling away. “I’m about the same… maybe a little more tired than usual. With all these missions Dumbledore has us going on, I don’t get as much sleep as I’d like to, but that doesn’t matter with everything that’s happening…”

“Of course it matters!” she frowned. “Remus, if you need a break, I’m sure someone else could take over.”

“I’m fine.” he shook his head and gave a soft chuckle. “Really, I’d rather be busy helping than sitting around and waiting for James and Sirius to get back. I’d go mad.”

“How do you think I feel?” Lily grumbled, crossing her arms tightly across her chest and looking out the window. “One battle so far, and I was barely there for ten minutes.”

“That much?” Remus echoed. “Lily, Bellatrix sent a Killing Curse whizzing past your head!”

“Avada Kedavra!” a high pitched voice cackled from her right, and Lily dove out of the way just in time as a ray of green light hit the wall she’d just been standing in front of.

“Come on, witch bitch!” Bellatrix cackled, pointing her wand down at Lily, whose chest heaved up and down as she glared up at her. She was the only one not wearing a mask, the rest of the Death Eaters silent and white-faced, like ghosts. Bellatrix’s ice-blue eyes locked onto Lily’s green, and just as both the witches went to raise their wands again, something unexpected happened.

“Stupefy!” a voice bellowed, and Bellatrix went flying through the air, several feet away from Lily, who had kneeled over. She scrambled to her feet, looking at the now unconscious bundle of black robes and hair, and wondered if she should try and arrest her, or wait for an Auror.

“Go!” the same voice snapped, causing Lily’s head to whip around in search of the person it belonged to.

Her wand went up when a figure stepped out the shadows, a Death Eater mask covering his face and wand lowered. The tip still glowed red from the Stunner.

Lily recognized that voice anywhere.

“Severus?” she croaked.

“Lily?” James’ frantic voice called from somewhere, “Lils, are you alright?”

She turned in the direction James’ voice, and the masked man Apparated away –

Lily hadn’t told James or Remus or anyone else in the Order who had saved her. She’d simply told them that someone’s stray Stunner had done the job, though it was of little use in the end. Another Death Eater had grabbed the unconscious Bellatrix and Apparated away before anyone could put her in a Body Bind.

Lily thought about it a lot more than she probably should be. She’d even begun to dream about it. It was horrifying enough knowing that her ex-best friend had joined Voldemort, but it was nothing compared to the confusion that clouded her already flustered mind. If Severus wanted to fight against the Order and help Voldemort, then why bother saving her? If Voldemort won, Lily would most likely be killed – or worse. She’d heard the way Mulciber and Avery jeered at her during seventh year. James and Sirius had nearly Hexed them bloody before Remus and her dragged them away, but her old friend had never once done that. Severus had avoided her like the plague since the day she’d refused to forgive him. That didn’t excuse the fact that he’d actually gone and become one of them… but why had he saved her? What did he have to gain from that?

“I know, I know… I just feel like I could be doing more.” Lily sighed, leaning forward on her elbows and looking out the fogged up window as she tried to clear her mind. “You know me, Remus. I can’t sit still for long.”

“It’s been quiet.” Remus ducked his head and leaned towards her, all traces of lightheartedness suddenly gone from his grey eyes. “It’s not that Dumbledore isn’t using you… You-Know-Who’s on the low again. We don’t know why, but it can’t be good. There’s been talk of bigger attacks being planned on the Ministry… more people disappearing…”

“Then I should know!” Lily snapped. “Why isn’t anyone telling me anything? Is it James? Is he trying to protect me?”

Remus hesitated, and she stood up, suddenly furious.

“Oh, come on now, Lils!” Remus pleaded, grabbing the sleeve of her jumper. “He’s scared senseless for you! You know he just wants to see you safe, and since you’re not together, he just wants to make sure nothing happens that he could have prevented.”

“I can take care of myself!” Lily all but shouted. Several patrons turned to look, giving her wary glares, which caused her to sit back down. She scowled and turned away from Remus, crossing her arms tightly across her chest.

“I know.” Remus sounded exasperated. “He loves you, Lily, and love makes people do things without thinking. Don’t be mad at him. If things get bad again, I’m sure you’ll be called.”

“He just had to go and ask me to marry him.” Lily fell back into her seat and buried her face in her hands. “He had to go and complicate things. For Merlin’s sake, we’re only eighteen, Remus! What is this – 1790? I… I can’t think about something like that right now!”

“Yes, imagine that.” Remus rolled his eyes. “A man loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. What a notion.”

“Shut up. You know what I mean.”

“I do.” He sighed, crossing his arms in front of him and leaning forward. “Listen, I’m not saying you need to give him an answer. Hell, I’m not saying you have to marry the poor bloke. But reach out to him, let him know how you’re doing. I can hear him pacing his room at night. It’s starting to drive Padfoot mad.”

Lily sighed. She wondered if and when things got better, she would wonder why she drove herself mad over all these dilemmas. Or maybe she was destined to be conflicted all the time. Indecision could be deadly, though. Lily had seen it during battle, how even the slightest pause could seal your fate.

Lily shuddered, pushing the thought away from her. Death was too real to think about, even if it was preventative thinking.

“I don’t want to get married in the middle of a war, Remus.” she muttered, looking back out the window and the wind swirling the fallen snow outside. “I do love him… I just don’t know if I love him enough to say yes.”

It was true. Lily couldn’t deny that the arrogant little toerag she’d been battling since first year had finally won her over once he’d matured and stopped attacking a certain Slytherin every chance he’d gotten. Once she’d gotten to know him, Lily had realized that James was just what she needed after the day that same Slytherin had called her a Mudblood – simple. He loved unconditionally and wholeheartedly. There was no fighting, no days of wondering who would break the silence first, no wondering what the other was thinking. Of course, perhaps that was one-sided, because some days James really didn’t seem to understand certain aspects of her. Meanwhile Lily got him perfectly. Sweet, uncomplicated James —

“He knows that, too.” Remus’ eyes lowered themselves to the tabletop. “Lily, you can’t just keep avoiding the fact that –”

His eyes snapped up suddenly, widening as Lily’s own shone with confusion at his sudden change in demeanor. He reached into the pocket of his robes, extracting a blue stone each member of the Order had been given in case of emergency. It vibrated and turned pink when the holder was needed. Lily had almost forgotten just how brightly it shined, for hers hadn’t lit up in weeks.

“I have to go.” Remus stumbled out of his chair as Lily let out a frustrated cry.

“Unbelievable!” she snarled, crossing her arms tightly across her chest. Lily fell back against the chair with an angry huff.

“I’m sorry, Lily.” he apologized clumsily as he buttoned his cloak around him, giving her cheek a quick peck before rushing past her. “I’ll Floo you later.”

“Be careful!” Lily called after him, wishing she could have hugged him before he left. Remus hated being touched… or rather, he was afraid of people touching him because of his condition. Sirius constantly teased him about it, pointing out that you couldn’t catch “werewolf cooties,” but Lily knew it went deeper than that. Remus like a boarded up well — there was so much depth there, but you couldn’t get past the opening to see further down.

Lily stood, ready to storm home and sulk for the rest of the day. She wrapped her cloak tightly around her, eyeing flitting to the other side of the pub, nearly missing the very person she’d been thinking so much about the past few weeks.

His obsidian eyes met hers, and Lily’s heart skipped a beat.

Immediately her first instinct was to get the hell out of there, but for a terrifying moment, Lily wondered if it might be too late. How long did she have before Death Eaters swooped in and dragged her away? Or maybe he would kill her right then and there. After all, she was a Muggleborn, and a part of the Order to boot. How many times had the Slytherins at school told her she was way, way out of line, that she was too naive to notice how far out of bounds she really was?

And then there was the question of how long he had been here. Had he already been here when she came in? Had she seen Remus leave? Oh god —

An odd tugging at the back of her mind snapped her back to the present and made Lily realize that she’d been staring dumbly back at him. Her heart began to beat to a new rhythm of panic. Lily held his gaze for what seemed like an eternity, and when nothing happened, she let out the breath she’d been holding in. She simply stood there, watching, until his lips twitched at the ends and he finally turned back around towards what she assumed was his drink.

Lily’s temper immediately ignited, like lightning striking a tree in the middle of a forest. Was there something funny about her being scared out of her wits at the sight of him that she was missing? Though Lily wasn’t quite sure she was fearful… the last time she’d seen Severus Snape, it had been on their last trip home on the Hogwarts Express, and they hadn’t spoken for two years before that. Not since the night she’d turned him away at Gryffindor Tower and something had begun eating away at her. She hadn’t even known Severus was really a Death Eater until he saved her. James and Sirius had their suspicions, but they’d never been able to prove anything.

No matter — Lily found herself determined to find out what his deal was before contemplating if antagonizing a Death Eater was a good idea or not. Between being frustrated at James and the Order and her recent ponderings over Severus, Lily was done wondering. It was time to get some bloody answers for once.

She stormed over to the bar, throwing herself onto the stool beside her oldest friend, who looked very taken aback at her sudden boldness. She needed a drink to get through this. She’d needed one for a while now, actually — some liquid courage would make this much easier, anyway.

“Firewhiskey.” Lily told the bartender, who raised an eyebrow at her. She raised one right back, biting the inside of her cheek, only lowering it once he began to pour a glass. She glanced at Severus, finding that his own eyebrow was reaching his forehead, though he looked less confused and a lot more curious now.

“Would you like one?” Lily gestured with her hands to the drink placed in front of her sarcastically, flipping her hair over her shoulder as she took her first sip. It burned her throat, but in a good way.

His lips pursed together, but Severus still did not speak.

“Fine, be that way.” Lily gulped the rest of it down, sliding the glass back towards the bartender, who seemed reluctant to serve her another. “I can take a hint.”

“I haven’t said anything.” Severus finally said, the familiar silk of his voice causing a shiver to go down her spine.

“You don’t need to.” she quipped, downing half of the second glass. “Actions do speak louder than words.”

He stiffened at this, sitting up straighter in the stool, before he pushed away from the bar, making the wooden legs screech against the stone floor. His raven hair fell around his thin jawline, like a thick curtain, barely covering the flash of betrayal on his face.

“Going back to your friends, then?” Lily called quietly, sobering up immediately. She didn’t know why, but a part of her ached at the idea of him leaving.

Severus’ back was turned to her. He stopped dead in his tracks at her words.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” he said in a low voice.

“I’m not an idiot, Severus.” Lily muttered, staring at the wall in front of her. The bartender had gone off to the opposite end, leaving them both alone and tense at the farthest corner of the bar. “I may be a Mudblood,” he turned around at this, black eyes widening as Lily took another sip of firewhiskey. “but I’m not stupid.”

“I didn’t…” Severus swallowed loudly and turned back around. “I don’t consider you to be either of those things, Lily.”

“Really? Because Bellatrix and Macnair sure seem to think so. You know them, don’t you? You’re all good friends, from what I’ve seen.”

His nostrils flared angrily, hands balling at his side, but Lily met his furious scowl with her own. She knew it was borderline suicidal to provoke him like this, that he could easily take her life with the flick of his wand, or call others to come and take her. But she had so many questions for him, and now that she had found him all alone, they nearly clawed their way up her throat. Part of her wondered what the hell she was doing, mocking a Death Eater, but she could see little flashes of her Sev behind the man he had become –

“Bellatrix Lestrange and Walden Macnair are not my fucking friends.” he hissed, his hooked nose suddenly inches away from hers.

“Well, maybe not Bellatrix.” Lily replied coldly, holding his gaze. “After all, I don’t think friends Stun one another in order to save the enemy, now do they?”

Severus leaned away, and Lily could tell she’d caught him off guard. She suppressed a triumphant smirk, realizing that this might be the first time she’d ever done so. He’d always been quick when they were kids. She’d never been able to pull one over on him, Severus had always been clever like that.

He sighed and shook his head slightly, slumping back onto the stool Lily had originally found him om. “You know, I used to think the reason you hated me so much is because you didn’t get me. And I think maybe I was right.” raw anger and hurt leaked into his voice. “You really don’t know me at all.”

“I don’t hate you.” Lily murmured, eyes trained on the still busy bartender. “I’ve never hated you, and if you think that, then you don’t know me very well either.”

Severus’ eyes met hers, and it was then that Lily realized that the hungry looked he had so often gazed upon her with when they were kids had manifested itself on his face again. It had once fascinated her, made her wonder, even, but now, it frightened Lily.

“I shouldn’t be here.” Severus breathed, his glare turning to the other bar patrons, who had begun to watch them with an unsettling curiosity. “I should go…”

“You could at least explain yourself.” Lily pushed the drink towards him in invitation, gesturing with her eyes. “I’d like to know why you saved my life.”

“How do you know it was me?” the arched, skeptical eyebrow was back, though he was still tensed, as though he were wound up and ready to spring away any second.

“Right.” she nodded, as though she were deep in thought. “I never considered the possibility of it being Lucius Malfoy.”

Severus’ lip curled.

“I do deserve an answer.” Lily continued. “You ignore me for two years and then —”

“I ignored you?” his nostrils flared. “I… I begged you to forgive me, Lily! You ran off with fucking Potter –”

“You called me a Mudblood!” she snapped back, “And then you joined the very people who’d love nothing more than to kill me! What the hell else was I supposed to do? Throw you a parade? You were acting like a prick, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. You — you called me that awful word in front of half the school!”

“And you said that you could never like a simpleton like Potter!” Severus snarled. “And now you’re going to marry him!”

“That’s none of your business!” she wondered how he knew that. She’d said no… how the hell –

“And what I do is none of yours.” Severus shot back with a precision like an arrow. “You couldn’t possibly understand — you never wanted to! I deserved every bit of what you said to me the last time we spoke, you’re right, but don’t you dare act like I would have just given up on our friendship. You know I never would have if you’d given me another chance.”

Lily let her hurt show at this, though she didn’t know why. He was right – they hadn’t been friends for nearly three years now. Why should she care about what Severus decided to do with the rest of his life?

Because it stung knowing that her best friend wanted her dead —

“I guess I don’t understand you, Severus.” Lily said quietly, all her previous swagger and bravery gone, leaving her with nothing but an aching sadness and longing. “Why you would save someone who You-Know-Who thinks is worthless is beyond me. I wanted to know why you did it, is all.”

His mouth was partially opened, and a thin, pale hand inched its way toward her before it fell back to his side. He sighed and rubbed his temple, as though harboring a headache.

“I have a room.” said Severus in a weary voice. “It’s nearby if you wish to… to talk.”

Lily blinked. “You’re inviting me up to your room?”

“Not like that.” his face went red and she fought the overwhelming urge to giggle at this. “We… Lily, it’s dangerous. If the wrong person were to walk in and see us… I’d do what I could, but I… I’d be more comfortable speaking if we were out of the public eye.”

“Where?”

“Across the street.”

“Fine.” she hopped up, extending her hand to him, who eyed it as though it were a kind of foreign object. “Let’s go to your room, then.”

———

This was not what Severus had been expecting. All he’d wanted was a fucking drink, and now Lily Evans was climbing the stairs to his room with him. He’d been stationed here by the Dark Lord to keep an eye on the school, and Hogwarts. Sometimes, Dumbledore wandered down from the castle late at night, most of the time to see his brother. It was hard to accept that those two were in any way related — Aberforth spoke to the goats the same way Dumbledore addressed his students. It was… disturbing, but that was the only eventful thing that happened in Hogsmeade, which was why Severus had decided that a drink was the only way he was going to get through another long night of watching and doing nothing until he was Called again.

“Why’re you staying here?” Lily asked as they strode down the hall, Severus searching his cloak for his key. “You have a house, don’t you?”

“You know as well as I do that I hate that shithole.” he shoved the key into the hole, and threw the door opening, jerking his head at her to get inside. She hesitated for a moment, like she was just now having second thoughts, but lifted her chin and strode inside.

Severus rolled his eyes and followed after her, locking the door behind him.

Lily stood in the center in the room, taking it in, Severus presumed, as he took off his cloak and dropped the keys on the table beside the door. It wasn’t much – a bed, a chest, a desk, two nightstands, and his own bathroom. The room smelt strongly of mothballs, but Severus didn’t care enough to complain to the staff. He was barely here.

Outside, it had begun to sleet steadily. He wouldn’t be surprised if it turned into a full blown blizzard by morning.

“How’s your mum?” Lily asked quietly, taking Severus completely off guard.

He blinked back. “I… fine, I suppose. I wouldn’t know.”

“Oh.” her eyebrows knitted together. “Why’s that?”

“She went to live with a relative after I finished Hogwarts. She left me the house.”

Lily’s eyebrows hit her forehead. “She just… left?”

“She had told me she would stay until I finished school.” Severus said flatly. “There was no need for her to linger.”

She still looked troubled by this. “I’m… sorry.”

He snorted. “Don’t be.”

“Well, I am.” Lily looked away. “I can’t imagine if my mum had…”

Severus heard the breath hitch in her throat and felt his chest squeeze in sympathy – the kind he thought he’d lost long ago. The kind he was to have forgotten the day he’d taken the Dark Mark.

do you swear your devotion Severus your unwavering loyalty your mind and body

“I heard about the accident.” Severus said quietly. “I was sorry to hear it.”

“Thanks.” Lily cleared her throat. “I heard your dad —”

“Let’s not bring him into this.”

“I know you never cared much for him, but it still must’ve —”

“He was a miserable bastard.” Severus waved her away. “He got what he deserved.”

Lily flinched at his callousness, and he wondered if she’d forgotten just how little he cared for anyone but her – no, she must have, because when she’d first looked back at him in the bar, her eyes had widened in fear and she’d tensed to bolt –

“I’m still sorry.” said Lily quietly. “I wanted to go to the funeral, but…”

“It would have been a waste of your time.” said Severus coldly. “It was certainly a waste of mine.”

He could see her response on the tip of her lips, the words whizzing into the air between them – that’s a horrid thing to say, Severus, he’s your dad! Lily restrained herself, however, her reluctance clearly written all over her face. Her nose scrunched up, and blush in her cheeks deepened.

“I still would’ve liked to have been there for you.” Lily muttered, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

“Be there for me?” Severus scoffed. “For my fucking father? He was a walking corpse, Lily. Save your pity.”

She went fuchsia. “It’s called being a good fr – person, Severus.”

He barked a cold laugh. “Go ahead – say it.”

“Say what?”

Severus could feel the tension in the air as if he could reach out and touch it. “Friend. We haven’t been friends for years, Lily. Why should you, of all people, care?”

She flinched, and he winced as a look of fresh hurt spread over her face. The green in her eyes was so dim that it looked like moss. Lily bit her lip and rubbed at her eyebrow – she’d used to pick at them when she’d been stressed at school. One day, she’d come down to the Great Hall with half of the right one missing before their first OWL exam.

“I’ve joined the Order.” Lily leveled her stare with his. She’d never been intimidated once they both became heated.

Severus inhaled deeply through his nose. “I know.”

“I know you know.” Lily huffed, crossing her arms. “You saw me that night —”

“Don’t,” he snarled.

“– and you saved me.” she went on, ignoring him. “I came up here because I want you to tell me why.”

Severus had replayed that night in his head over and over until he’d made himself sick. He’d turned away from dueling some Order member he hadn’t recognized, the moonlight reflecting off of her scarlet hair catching his attention. When he’d realized it was Lily, a rage so strong and so vicious had overcome him – why was she here, what the fuck was Albus Dumbledore thinking, putting her in a battle –

She would have volunteered, because this was Lily, and her life mattered little to her if others depended on it. Of fucking course she’d joined the Order. Every battle Severus fought was spent combing the crowd for her, for her voice, for the flash of red.

His heart had choked him, beating hard and fast in the center of his throat. There was a satisfied smirk on Lily’s face as she dueled another Death Eater. Severus could barely make out the mask, but quickly found that it was Reg. He’d shot a Stunner at the Order member, sending him crashing against the wall, when Severus had caught Bellatrix creeping up behind Lily –

Severus’ heart ached as Lily waited for his answer.

“It doesn’t matter.” he said tonelessly. “What’s done is done.”

Lily stared back at him in blatant disbelief for a long moment, and then, she exhaled sharply. Her face went so white that the freckles on the bridge of her nose disappeared.

“It — doesn’t — matter?” Lily fumed, her volume increasing with every word. “Doesn’t MATTER? Stop being such a pill, Severus Snape!”

“You don’t know anything about me!” Severus snarled back. “You don’t know why I do the things I do… you can’t possibly –”

“Really? Because there was a time when you said you thought I was the only one who ever could!”

“That was before you told me you never wanted to see me again.” she remembered that she remembered.

“You became what I was afraid of!” Lily shouted, and the sound twisted his insides. “How could I continue to be your friend when you were going down a path I couldn’t follow? You… you called me –”

“You ended our friendship because you couldn’t handle it.” Severus sneered, feeding into his pain, because that was all that Lily had left him, and it was useless. “But you could handle Potter, with his simple life and kind words and galleons galore –”

“How dare you!” her voice made the hair stand up on his arms. “You don’t know anything about James, or me, or our relationship, for that matter!”

“He asked you to marry him – I’d say I know just enough.”

“And I said no, you arse!”

Lily had stood, her fists balled tightly at her sides. She didn’t seem to bother trying to hide the fact that she was trembling. Severus felt like he had just taken a Stunner to the chest.

“What? What are you – why?” Severus asked, feeling extremely stupid, the way he always did where Lily was concerned. She possessed the extraordinary talent of catching him completely off guard at times.

Lily fell back onto the bed, and buried her face with her hands. “I… I don’t know.”

“You don’t… know.”

“How the hell did you even hear?” Lily gave him a one-eyed glare. “Who the hell told you that?”

“Regulus.” Severus said flatly. “Black saw him briefly — he mentioned it in passing.”

“Of course he did.” she muttered. Her face was buried in her hands, and Severus could tell she was crying.

Guilt crashed into him all at once, wrapping itself around his windpipe and squeezed. It shouldn’t have fucking mattered if Lily was still with Potter or not – she was right; they hadn’t been friends for nearly two years now. He was such an idiot, bringing him up at all, when he himself was the hypocrite, a Death Eater, a servant to the Dark Lord, standing in a bedroom inn with Lily Evans, who was staring at him like she wanted Severus to break in two.

“Merlin, Severus…” Lily sighed, her breath hitching.

“My apologies.” he ducked his head, unable to meet her eyes. “I shouldn’t have… you’re right. It’s none of my business who you…” he couldn’t finish the sentence. The thought was too unbearable.

Lily looked up, a look of puzzlement on her face. “You’re not… happy?”

Severus blinked. “Happy?”

“That I’m… not going to marry him. At least… not right now.” Lily wiped at her eyes. “I mean… Merlin, just look at me. I’m a wreck.”

“You’re clearly miserable without him.” Severus was incapable of keeping the bitterness out of his voice.

“I’ve been miserable for a lot longer than that.” Lily murmured. “I keep losing the people I care about.”

He took a cautious step away from the door, and towards her. “Lily…”

“I thought if you didn’t already,” said Lily. “that you’d hate me once I started dating James, and I did. I made myself believe that you must, because you were one of them, and I was with James, who you’d always despised. When you saved me all those months ago, it contradicted everything I made myself believe, and when James asked me to marry him I just… I couldn’t say yes, all of a sudden, even though I wanted to, because everything is so fucked –”

A strange sense of dread was creeping over Severus; one he didn’t want to confront. Lily swearing was never a good sign.

“I have never been your enemy.” he closed the gap in between them. “Surely you know that now… knowing what happened with Bellatrix.”

“I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“But I did.” his voice felt rough, like sandpaper. “For you.”

“But why?” Lily shook her head.

“Because I have never stopped being your friend.” Severus said in a very quiet voice.

Lily’s head lifted, her eyes watering. There was something in her face that hurt to look at, like wonder, or maybe it was pity. It was sharp and tangible, tainting the air around her. Lily had always worn her heart on her sleeve, and right now, she was radiating something that nestled beneath Severus’ heart. It was the same feeling he’d had when they’d laid beside the creek together for the first time, or when Lily had almost Hexed Potter’s nose off.

“How was I supposed to know that?” she sounded like she was asking herself, not him. “You’re a Death Eater, Severus… Merlin, you could bring me to You-Know-Who right now, and –”

“I’ve just told you,” Severus snapped, his heart racing. “I wouldn’t… I couldn’t—”

“Yes, I know, you’ve said it a million times already — and I believe you.” Lily said softly. Her eyes were like freshly watered cloves.

His hands had gone completely numb, but the part of him that still clung to reality, to that cold, dark place where his feelings did not exist made him swallow the tightness clogging his throat.

“And why,” Severus asked in a razor sharp voice, trying to cut through Lily’s kaleidoscope face, filled with too many things he didn’t understand. “would you do that?”

It was Lily’s turn to look bewildered. Severus leaned against the table by the door, watching her on the bed as she battled with herself. She’d always been an open book, her thoughts so easy to read as they flashed across her face. He couldn’t understand many of them, understand why they were there, that she was here –

“I don’t think you’re mad, and I don’t think you’re a psychopath.” Lily said, and Severus’ world began blurring around the edges. “I also don’t think you’re a sick, twisted monster. I don’t think you’re a heartless murderer, and I don’t think you deserve to die, and I don’t think you’re pathetic. Or stupid. Or a coward. I don’t think you’re any of the things people have said about you… about what you must be because you’re a Death Eater.”

“Why?” Severus whispered, an overwhelming feeling of panic flooding through him. He had to leave, this was… unfathomable and nonsensical and –

Lily looked straight at him, her gaze telling him to look back, and Severus had no choice but to obey. “Because I know you’re still in there – that Sev is still somewhere, deep down. I could see him slipping away when we were in school, and it terrified me, because if I couldn’t save him… I felt like a failure as a friend because of that, not because I had to let you go.”

“You didn’t have to –”

“I did, Sev.” Lily stared at him with such sincerity that it made his skin feel raw, like he was being buried in the sleet outside.

“I’ve… never regretted something as much,” said Severus. “as that day.”

Lily visibly tensed. “Not even being a Death Eater?”

He had always known he was a man built to fall – that he wouldn’t be handed anything, like Potter. And after all the sorrows Severus had seen, in the few, measly months he’d been a Death Eater, they’d led him to believe that it wasn’t just him, but that everything was in chaos. Lily had kept him grounded, and still, in that pathetic way, he lived on her scraps of memories she’d left behind in her wake. Severus didn’t regret becoming a Death Eater, no, but he did not treasure or hold his position in esteem either. Nothing mattered, no matter how hard Severus tried to fill that void.

“I became a Death Eater,” Severus rasped. “because I was nothing after you.”

———