Song of The Sea by Hopeless Wanderer

It felt like the end of the world.

Every puzzle piece that once put the misery corners of his life together was blown out of proportion, each was vaporized and destroyed, just in a matter of hours.

His lovely wife and only friend in the world was dead; his son was somehow cursed and Lucius—of all people—had managed to take over the ranks. Things really could not get any worse than this.

He knew Lucius since they were all but children; he was two years ahead of Severus, a high and all mighty pureblood. Lucius, even at the tender age of thirteen, lived up to his family’s name with a grace that even baffled the staff. He was cruel beyond any definition of measurement, even heartless sometimes.

Disdain, superiority and arrogance dribbled down from the very way he held himself at all times.

Those mannerisms and the fact that everyone did very little to restrain the Slytherin Prince, fascinated Severus to no end, and Lucius for his part, seemed overly glad to play around with an eleven-year-old and manipulate him to his own needs.

Looking back on it, made Severus twist in shame. His naïve past self, just trotting after a sociopath, in a damned quest to take after anyone who paid him the slightest bit of attention.

The aristocrat prat held a very personal grudge against other houses and muggleborns that attended the school. Obviously, he did. It was the way he was raised, the way his father and grandfather and predecessors were brought up. Just one generation after the other, reeking of prejudice.

The details of his past were rather hasty, his interactions with Lucius in his youth, even more so, but Severus remembered a time when the boy managed to convince his goons and younger naïve students to cruelly prank and bully those of ‘lower status and then blackmail them to earn favours.

He particularly recalled the way they tormented Hufflepuffs. It was vile, the things they did, the things Lucius ordered them to do. No ordinary human being was capable of that degree of viciousness.

So it was no surprise when Severus heard the rumours of Lucius finally joining the ranks flying around, mere days before his graduation. Those rumours soon became old news when Severus was a seventh year and in ‘The Assessment’ himself.

The Dark Lord didn’t just recruit anyone and didn’t donate dark marks to his liking; lower-ranked death eaters often took over those who wanted to join and placed them in The Assessment. To see if they had it in them to kill, torture and serve their lord to the best of their abilities.

Those who made it and got the mark but then wanted out were neatly plucked out of their positions and quietly killed. Those who didn’t make the cut were also somehow dealt with, and the rest were scavenging to yank themselves up in their Lord’s good graces.

Lucius, due to his popularity, charm, and standing in the wizarding world, quickly groomed himself into the higher ranks, whilst Severus was still in school. When the time finally arrived Lucius was the one, who took over Severus’s assessment.

Severus was half done with the process, soon after graduating Hogwarts, when suddenly terror and qualm gripped his heart…Lily had returned to him, with apologies and a love confession.

After two years of silence, the girl of his dreams floated back into his life again and everything fell into perspective.

Like a heavy pendulum knocking him down, Severus realized with a jolt, that he was becoming part of a cult. It was so easy to easy, and yet so difficult, in that period of his life. Where his abusive prick of a father was freshly deceased, and Severus more alone than ever.

But Lily was back, she was back and he wasn’t alone. His mind came together, like splinters of a broken cup and the world started making sense again.

It didn’t take him long to move their friendship to the next level. It was something they both wanted, for such a long time. Something, that Lily much later admitted she hadn’t discovered by herself.

‘It wasn’t all James, but he told me something, Sev,’ She had whispered into his ear, in a distant past where they both leaning against an old, barren tree, frozen to their boots, but unwilling to move.

‘What did he say?’

He wasn’t all that favourable to know at the time. He hated Potter’s guts. His and his gang’s.

Lily kissed him on the cheek, ‘I’ll tell you when the time is right. They’re words that need to be savoured.’

Severus believed her, not because he was particularly aware of Potter’s wisdom when it came to matters of the heart, but because he knew her, and trusted her beyond any measure.

They became a couple, the whole thing was really under wraps.

They didn’t tell anyone that they dated; Severus couldn’t bear the thought of her ever getting hurt for his foolishness. And in his current predicament, he couldn’t just waltz around, mentioning that he was seeing a muggle-born.

It was tragic, but it didn’t matter in those days.

His best friend was suddenly his lover, she wanted him, and Severus had never felt like he could be happier with her in his life, the way he desired it to be from the start.

It was too late to get out of the assessment.

Severus didn’t want anyone hurting the girl he dearly loved and adored, and so he deliberately bailed on each and every one of their ‘tests’. Alas, Lucius was adamant that Severus had it in him and sent him up to receive the mark with flying colours instead of ‘taking care of him.’ and ditching his body in a gutter.

He didn’t want to tell her, about the whole morbid ritual and the tests and all the torturing, but once he had a date, an actual appointment to receive his mark, he had no other choice. He couldn’t hide it from Lily even if he wanted to. She knew him so much that she might as well have lived inside him.

She was devastated by the news, but of course, she was.

‘Severus, you cannot do this!’ she was trying her hardest to maintain posture and not start crying. Lily seldom cried, it just wasn’t like her to break down and let her tears take command, but Severus did. Severus wept in her arms that night after he got back to their house with the dark mark.

It was a frightening thing, for reality to take hold after living in a dream-driven fantasy for so long. He had to get the mark. He had to become a Death Eater. He couldn’t possibly endanger Lily by dragging her into all this.

He would have resented himself for the rest of his life if something happened to her because of him. Or if anything happened in regardless. It sounded illogical, they were in a war, their chances of survival was deep down in the negatives. Yet, the feeling persisted.

He didn’t weep for himself. He wept for her, and what he had done to her.

She, along with the marauders have newly joined order members at the time, and Lily did not hesitate to take him to Dumbledore after he was coherent enough to talk. She hauled him up, dragged him into the man’s office, and fell to her knees.

She begged him to find a solution—against Severus’ vehement protests—, but no matter what, the old man could only come up with one suggestion.

“You already have the mark Severus. It will be absolute,” the man declared sadly. “I know it seems cruel, but we have to make the best of it.”

Now, Severus wished that he hadn’t agreed and was dead instead. It would have been kinder, to him and Lily both. She was the reason he accepted the job in the first place, the reason why he didn’t end it all instead of bowing down for the mark.

It all seemed like the distant past now, instead of only a few short years ago.

And now, just like that night, the truth, however sordid, was that he knew exactly what the news meant; Lucius taking over the ranks, meaning that the war wasn’t even slightly close to its end.

Severus couldn’t stay and grieve, he couldn’t return to his mother’s mansion. He couldn’t keep Harry single-handedly.

“Severus.”

His breath hitched in his throat. “I cannot,” he knew what Albus was going to say, he knew it down to the very fucking dot, but he couldn’t. He just couldn’t accept it. Not this time, “Not anymore, Albus. Harry needs me. Lily is dead. I cannot just…”

Albus’s knowing eyes sadly lingered on Severus’s shaking hand that was supporting the bottle.

“You are not abandoning him, Severus,” he said, his eyes landing on James and Sirius’ shadowed eyes and hung heads. Snape immediately felt a stab of betrayal.

They knew of the possibility, he realized numbly. That’s why they were there.

They were going to take his son.

Lily's son.

It was all pre-arranged. This entire game.

“Absolutely not.” the man gritted out, barely containing his rage, but not as a way to assert self-control. No, containing his rage was merely a way to inhibit the exhaustion taking over every bone in his body. Rage would make him explode and then deflate.

Harry went stiff in his arms immediately as the bottle started shaking along with his father’s hand. The last droplets of milk gathered and dripped down his chin.

Remus, from the other side of the office, put his hands up in the universal gesture of peace, to assuage the wild-mannered man. That’s what they thought of him, wild-mannered. It was quite ironic.

“Severus…”
No. No, Severus closed his eyes and his name kept being called on a loop with no respite.

“Severus, just listen for a moment—”

“Shut up, just shut up, wolf!” he screamed, or maybe didn’t. he wasn’t sure. But Harry cried. It wasn’t a full-fledged cry, it was a new one, Severus hadn’t heard of it before this very moment. It was a frightened call.

Severus held the child closer, then very deliberately, he turned his face back to the headmaster.

He slowly got to his feet, holding Albus’ gaze, and daring him to invade his mind, daring him to see every miserable image haunting Severus’ mind; at the very front, where they took residence at this moment.

The baby kept whimpering quietly in his arms, as he strode to his mentor, “You want me to leave my child,” he hissed, reeling. “With the two people who tormented me all my life?” he gritted out the rest, feeling the anger and irrationality pump through his veins.

There was no amount of logic in the world to justify this. There wasn’t. These people, these men terrorized a considerable portion of his childhood, at least two of them attempted to actually kill Severus on one occasion. The other, absent one was the fucking traitor who gave it all away. He was the reason his wife was dead.

Choices. That’s what this whole bloody game was about. The choice to make Pettigrew the secret keeper, the choice to storm Frank and Alice’s house when made aware of a possible attack, the choice to just auction off Severus’s child in his absence, a mere hour after his wife’s death.

“Albus you are out of your mind if you think that I’ll agree to this.”

Dumbledore looked thoroughly disturbed but adamant about his decision. As if it was his to make. Severus fumed, because it was not his decision, it was his choice. There was a difference. And Severus was helpless in the face of both. He knew that.

“Severus, you cannot keep your position as a double agent and still keep Harry.” The old man argued back, still staring right into his eyes with a knowing look. “Lily… she won’t be here to take care of the child.”

The grieving man didn’t hesitate. He knew he didn’t have much, not much ground, not much to defend, and that’s why there was no reason for hesitation. He needed to use this momentum, “Then I won’t.” he snarled. “I won’t work for you anymore.”

Those words, whilst never ringing true, were the most liberating he’d spoken in years.

“Severus please…”
Harry cried again, Snape paused. It was another different cry, frightened and shrill and demanding. It all made him stop; what the hell was he doing? How could he ever do this without Lily?

Severus cleared his throat, cradling the child back to his chest, and looking into his green eyes. Lily’s eyes.

He grounded his jaw with a sharp snap.

“Have you ever considered that you ask too much from me?” he seethed quietly, still looking down at Harry, making sure that he knew that Severus wasn’t the one to be frightened of. “That you take too much for granted?” he looked up at the headmaster at last. The silence was overbearing.

“Severus-”

Severus shook his head. “Has it ever crossed your brilliant mind that I don’t want to do this anymore?”

“You have no other choice.” Albus countered back sternly, pointedly looking at his arms.

Severus felt an inevitable chill tingle down his spine at the stare. He felt the hatred and discrimination the way he felt the hot scorching air around the office. Potter and Black hung awkwardly in the back and Lupin had his back turned to all of them, facing the fireplace.

He realized as the room grew cold with the lack of sympathy, and he was singled out in the middle of the office, that Albus was right. He didn’t have a choice .

He deserved no pity, he was a Death Eater. And he had a job. No one was willing to defend him if it meant losing another valuable informant. An asset. There was no choice for him to begin with.

The only person who remotely cared about his opinions was lying cold, unmoving and quite dead in the infirmary.

Severus had tried to redeem himself, to ignore the remaining stains and the filth of his own mistakes. He got married, had a child whom he loved more than life itself, but they didn’t care. They only cared that he got back to his job while someone took care of the kid .

The kid who survived. The kid who ‘defeated’ the Dark Lord.

Harry wasn’t anyone to these people, he wasn’t their life and death and the reason they breathed rightly. He was just The Kid.

Severus knew with certainty that if Harry hadn’t been involved in the Dark Lord’s demise, Albus wouldn’t have even cared this much. They would have tossed him in an orphanage and forced Severus back to his post.

But was that worse, or better?

He sunk down in a chair.

James Potter was the first to break the tense silence. “Snape,” he called, taking a step towards them. He looked fatigued, but he always seemed as such when Severus caught sight of his. Fatigued and small and unworthy.

Severus couldn’t quite believe he was bullied by this man. He looked so unthreatening, it was revolting. This very same man was the reason why Lily broke all ties with him for two years.

But was he?

“If it makes any difference,” Potter said, “we will raise… Harry, as if he’s our own,” he nodded at his partner and then back at the child in his enemy’s arms. “He’s Lily’s son, Lily was one of my best friends and—”

Severus narrowed his eyes, his mouth working faster than his reeling mind, “And I’m supposed to believe whatever that comes out of your trap Potter? Hmm?” he sneered, tightening his hold on Harry.

“Not over your dead body.” Potter scowled, hazel eyes narrowing behind his gold-rimmed glasses. There was a flash of the look, the malicious one Potter was used to throwing around in their adolescent years, but it was gone before Severus could call it out.

It wasn’t that look that frightened his baby, but the intimidating stance Potter’s partner took as he charged ahead at Snape and Harry at a rapid, threatening pace.

Harry wailed in fear as Black’s ugly face twisted in a jeer, his body towering over Harry, his face, merely inches away from Severus’s. “Talk to him like that again Snape and we’ll see who ends up dead next!” Harry wailed louder, screeching and squeezing his eyes shut at the mean man.

Severus imagined the imaginary rope of his patience snap.

Several things happened at once; James strode to his partner and seized him by his forearm as Lupin called both his friends out in alarm. Snape drew out his wand as he supported the howling baby in one arm and Dumbledore looked over the scene while shaking his head.

“Sirius stop this!” Potter seethed in Black’s ear as he pulled him away from the chair and towards the fireplace, next to the werewolf’s stiff posture, “Stop, just stop! Can’t you see you’re scaring the baby!”

He heard Lupin also chastising the man, at the same time as Potter, “What the hell Padfoot?! He’s a baby!”

Severus for his part was jostled back to reality to realize that yes, he did have said terrified baby in his arms, and so, proceeded to rock the weeping child in his arms, lightly bouncing him to ease the cries.

Harry hid his face in his father’s robes once again, his cries muffled by the thick black fabric. Severus glared at the headmaster over the baby. His heart clenching in his chest.

“You’re entrusting my one-year-old to that man?” he asked serenely, keeping his face stoic and the disgust at bay. Dumbledore remained silent. Darkness loomed over the muteness and Severus couldn’t have been more sickened.

Black struggled In Potter’s stronghold with a snarl. “You insulted my...”

“Your what, Black?” the young man whipped his head back to the mutt. “Is he your husband? Your boyfriend? You can’t even own it up to him enough to marry him. So stop the theatrics.”

“Severus that’s enough.” Albus snapped gravely.

Severus narrowed his eyes at the tone, “You cannot force me.”

“But Lucius can. Severus, you know better than anyone, what this all really means. Lucius taking over Voldemort’s place whether temporarily or not is no small feat.”

Severus shook his head, again and again, and willed himself to wake from this fucking nightmare, but Albus just kept forging on, “He would kill you without a second thought if he finds out about your true identity. The Death Eaters are turbulent now, there is going to be a massacre for sure. You needn’t be part of that.”

Severus rolled his eyes. Of course, the old man cared about his life.

He didn’t. This was an act, a transaction of interests.

“I would prefer to not work for you if doing so costs me, my son.”

“And Harry would prefer it if you didn’t die. You cannot afford to be selfish now, my boy. We are still at war.”

Severus let out a breathy chuckle. It was an empty, bitter one. There was no meaning or intent behind it, other than the fact that he was done. He was so done. “So now raising my own son is deemed selfish? The child is mine,” He inhaled the suffocating air with spite. “This is the only thing I have left to live for, what my dead wife left me. You cannot take that away from me too.”

But he could.

The man had already taken too much from him, too many people, too many privileges that others had with no fear of undesirable consequences. Severus knew he was being irrational, childish. He knew it all, but he wanted this to end.

He just wanted things to end.

“If he finds out that Harry is alive and that you are the father, he would kill you for sure.” Albus’s tone was comforting. Much to Severus’s infuriation.

Yes, the young grieving man, already knew that. He knew that no one could know, he knew he couldn’t protect Harry by himself.

His mentor continued. “For now, the only people that are aware of what really took place are the people in this office and a few trusted order members.”

Hagrid, Poppy, Molly and Arthur Weasley, Potter, Black, Lupin and Alice Longbottom. Not a long list by any means. Those were the only people who knew of their marriage and Harry’s true parentage. Not even McGonagall knew that he was married to Lily or that he was the father of her child.

“They could be sworn to secrecy,” Albus assures Severus. “James and Sirius would take Harry in, and Lily would be honoured as the single mother everyone assumed she was. This can be easily fixed, Severus.”

Fixed? Severus frowned. His life wasn’t something to be fixed. Or brushed under the rug. Harry will not be fixed.

Severus stood again, mindful of the baby in his arms and hoping that he could land a decent punch with one arm while holding a baby with the other. He tapped his boots on the ground and stared at his mentor dead in the eyes.

“Except there’s nothing to fix. My son isn’t an object.” He spat out. “He was orphaned tonight and I’m not robbing him of what he has left only to replace it with a spare.” He said, wildly waving a hand at the said couple. “I don’t think Potter and Black could ever care for him or love him as I do.”

Black almost sent him off to his demise when he was sixteen. He could’ve died that night, and Lupin would have torn him to shreds if Potter hadn’t arrived in time. He couldn’t just leave his child with a person like that. What if they hurt him?

“He’s my son and they loath the very sight of me.” He continued before anyone could make an argument. “The feeling is established and mutual, Dumbledore. I do not trust these people with Harry.”

From the other side of the office, Sirius Black let out an undignified chortle. His eyes wild in panic and hatred that was directed at Harry and Severus both. “That’s rich coming from you! You should be flattered we’re willing to take your brat in.” James squeezed his arm in warning but the man didn’t yield. Sirius yanked his arm away from James’s and took a step towards the young father.

“We wouldn’t have put our lives in danger for him even if you begged on your knees, Snivellus,” the black-haired man taunted. “This is just a favour for Evans. In fact, you’re lucky we even considered the option. that child is literally on a death list.”

James Potter threw an unimpressed glare at Black and shook his head as the other man opened his mouth again. “Sirius stop it! He’s wrong Snape; we would have taken Harry in without question. We still do. We owe it to Lily and we care about him.”

Severus turned away. He couldn’t deal with the conflicting looks he got from the duo, deal with Black’s hatred and contempt, and Potter’s desperation to take hold of Harry.

He didn’t turn to face the couple. “You have wronged me, Albus. For all these years, I won’t let you wrong my son too. I’m leaving.”

“Let me owe you one more thing, Severus. Please.” He gave Severus a beseeching look. “We both know Harry is endangered-”

The younger man whirled in a flash, Harry whimpered but didn’t start crying as Severus half expected. His eyes narrowed at the utter audacity of the old man. “Over a bunch of rubbish, a drunken Witch who couldn’t tell her tail from her absurd glasses spewed out!” he yelled.

“You’re the one who made a big deal out of this! The one who caused all of this to happen!”

That idiotic ghost story that started all of this mess. Sybill Trelawney was the reason his wife was dead and his son was right spot on a target and Albus was even guiltier for interviewing her in the first place. It was Dumbledore who spread the word amongst the rank until it got the Dark Lord interested.

The BAIT.

It was playing with fire, Severus warned the old man repeatedly. But Albus assured him, the situation was under control, the Longbottoms had been transferred to a safe place and Lily and Harry would be safe in their respective safe house.

“Voldemort vehemently believed in the Prophesy. I did not force him to.”

“You put it in his head. Your/people spread the word, Albus.” He argued back futilely, it was all said and done. His Slytherin mind knew that there was no point in blaming the old man anymore. There was no point in blaming anyone.

“He didn’t know Lily was married to you.” Albus disagreed defensively, “For the sake of technicality, he shouldn’t have even thought twice about which boy he shall choose. That’s why we were so focused on the Longbottoms, Severus. To the world, Harry was just an ordinary boy and Lily an admirable single mother.”

“Well, he isn’t now. The cat is out of the bag! Everyone’s gonna find out about my son supposedly defeating the dark lord.”

“But they wouldn’t know who the father is.” Albus pointed out unhelpfully. He felt the need to continue when Severus didn’t immediately answer. “James, Sirius and I have talked extensively over the matter.”

Oh, so they had.

The said couple squirmed uncomfortably under the other man’s murderous gaze. Well, at least one of them did, Black stared back defiantly. “They were both overjoyed and very agreeable.” Severus let the old man’s voice wash over him. Harry sensed his distress and buried his head back into his neck, calming the simmering man.

Overjoyed? Severus thought indignantly. Before he could stop himself, his mouth opened. “Overjoyed that my wife is dead or overjoyed over the fact that they get to take my son away…”

“We’re all tired and the tension is high.” He threw a hateful glare at the wolf as he interrupted him, the man blessedly ignored the taunt. “Let’s all just calm down, please.”

James shook his head. “We cannot sleep on this. Lucius could call on the Death Eaters any minute now.”

“I’m not going then.”

“Then you will turn up dead in less than a week. Then the kid would die as well. You don’t owe this to yourself, Snape. You owe this to the kid. You’re the one who makes decisions for him. I think he would prefer living over other undesirable outcomes.”

James pursed his lips and squeezed his partner’s shoulder just a bit too hard. He tried to soften the blow with a hasty wave of his hand.

“And you wouldn’t be excluded from his life at all.” He tried to sound convincing. “It wouldn’t be public knowledge and Harry might not know but… you would still be there.”

Severus had had enough of these people and their petty arguments. He needed to leave.

“You talked them into this Headmaster. But you cannot talk me into it.”

In one quick move, he swept a sniffling Harry up to his hip and in his arms before striding to the door; none of the others stopped him from almost running out of the office and down the spiral staircase.

Severus needed time.