September 15, 1991
It has now been two weeks since Severus read the letter from Lily. He still hasn’t gone through the contents of the chest due to him being too afraid of everything becoming real. He couldn’t bring himself to confront either Dumbledore or the boy. He hasn’t said a word to either of them. He had handed the boy’s detention over to Filch. Furthermore, every time he would catch Potter staring at him in class or the Great Hall, he would simply snap his head in another direction and distract himself. He knew it wasn’t fair to the boy, but he needed time. He couldn’t bring a child into his life. He couldn’t be a father. He honestly didn’t think he’d ever be able to care for anyone in any sense. Sure, he apparently used to care for the boy, but he didn’t remember, and he still wasn’t sure if wanted to. He figured the boy would be better off without him. He probably is better off with Lily’s family. If he knew anything, he knew Petunia Evans held such a high standard for herself that she probably spoiled him rotten. But then again, why is the boy that thin? Surely, he’s way smaller than an eleven-year-old should be. He reminded himself to investigate it later. Even if he didn’t think he could be a father to the boy, that didn’t mean the boy should suffer if he was.
His thoughts were interrupted when he heard Dumbledore’s voice calling him through the Floo. “Yes, headmaster?” he asked after walking over to his fireplace. “Severus, I think you should come to my office. It’s time to talk,” and with that, the headmaster pulled his head away. Severus sighed. No, he wasn’t ready. He couldn’t face this reality. He groaned and ran a hand through his hair. ‘I’m a grown man for Merlin’s sake,’ he thought to himself. He took one look at the chest that was now stowed in a dark corner of his quarters and grabbed it. He grabbed the Floo powder off his mantle and shouted, “Headmaster Dumbledore’s office!” As he stepped out of the Floo, his breath caught in his throat as he made eye contact with the owner of those pair of green eyes.
****
Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Neville were running out of the entrance hall to where they would meet the rest of the first years for their lesson in the courtyard. They were all excited for the day since today would be their first flying lesson with Madam Hooch. Harry has never flown on a broom before, be he watched the twins and Ron do it over the summer and he had to admit, it looked extremely fun.
After successfully mounting his broom, Harry immediately felt like a natural. He couldn’t quite answer why, but it just felt right. Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted as he heard Madam Hooch yelling at Neville to get down, and Neville just screaming. Before anyone could do anything, Neville’s broom took off and slammed him into the side of the castle. Madam Hooch ran over to him and told everyone to hop off their brooms until she returned. Draco saw something shining in the grass and flew over, noticing Neville’s remberall. He smirked and picked it up showing everyone.
Harry was livid. He couldn’t stand Malfoy, especially with what happened with his duel. He blamed Malfoy for the reason why Severus didn’t want him. If he hadn’t had gone to that duel, his father wouldn’t hate him and think he was more trouble than what he’s worth. “Give it back Malfoy!” Harry shouted as he mounted his broom following Malfoy into the air. “Yeah? Why don’t you go get it Potter!” he spat out and then threw the ball as hard as he could. Harry took off following the ball. He leaned forward on his broom and without even realizing it, he grabbed the ball and turned the broom around just in time before slamming into the castle himself. He made it back over to the group and everyone cheered until they heard “Potter!” come from the entrance doors. Harry gulped and looked over to see his stern head of house calling him over. She grabbed his shoulder and started to drag him away. ‘Now I’ve really done it. I’m going to be expelled,’ he thought to himself. He was completely dumbfounded though when his professor introduced him to Oliver Wood, captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team. She told him she found his new seeker and Harry looked up at her, his jaw-dropping. The twins and Ron had taught him all about Quidditch, and Harry immediately fell in love with it. He didn’t expect to be asked to join the team, especially as a first-year! They had told him people don’t normally try out for the team until their third year.
After the quick meeting with Oliver Wood, McGonagall escorted him to the headmaster’s office. “We will just have to ask him to contact your family for permission.” She told him as she brought him in front of the Gargoyle leading to the office. Harry tensed. There was no way the Dursleys would let him do anything fun. He knew they would deny it, especially since it would be coming from the ‘freaky school’. His shoulders slumped as he followed McGonagall into the office. He honestly didn’t pay any attention to their conversation until Dumbledore placed a hand on his shoulder. Harry looked up; he didn’t even notice McGonagall had left. “Harry, my boy, I think it is time we talk to your father.” Harry swallowed and looked back down at his hands in his lap. ‘The father that hates me? The father that doesn’t want anything to do with me?’ he thought to himself. After a moment he just nodded his head, not even bothering to look up.
****
After what felt like an hour of just sitting there, he heard the fireplace roar, and out stepped the tall man dressed in all black. He looked up and made eye contact with those dark obsidian eyes. ‘This is it. This is the part where he’s going to tell me he doesn’t want me,’ he thought.
Severus finally broke eye contact with the boy and turned to the headmaster. Albus motioned for him to sit down, and he complied, sitting down next to the boy. “Now, before we begin my boys, I would like to share the good news. It seems as if our young Harry here will be the youngest Quidditch player for the first time in a century!” Dumbledore said happily. “Well, that is if his father agrees to let him play,” He then added. Snape held his breath then glared at the headmaster. ‘This is how the old coot wanted to start this conversation?’ Harry on the other hand continued to wring his hands in his lap. He was so anxious he could feel his heart beating out of his chest. That was until he heard the simple words come from the potions master's mouth. “Yes, the boy can play.”
Harry snapped his head up. ‘So, he did know! This whole time he knew, and he hasn’t said anything!’ Harry felt like someone stabbed his heart as it shattered into a million pieces. ‘What is it about me that makes me so unlovable? Why does nobody want me?’ he asked himself. He felt like sobbing right now but knew better than to show his emotions to this man. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep his emotions in check.
Dumbledore sat forward in his chair, folding his hands on top of his desk. “Well now that it is out in the open, I believe we shall begin. Severus, Harry, do you have any questions you would like to ask first?” Severus looked over at Harry and was surprised when he saw the boy shake his head. Severus sighed and decided he should be the grown man he is. “Actually, yes,” he began. “What happened?” Dumbledore gave him a sad smile and began his story.
“You and Lily Evans married two years out of Hogwarts. A year into your marriage she became pregnant. She was ecstatic, and though you never openly admitted it yourself, everyone knew you were too. Unfortunately, this situation was problematic. This was when you were spying for The Order and when things were taking a dark turn in the war. You came to me and begged for the protection of your wife and unborn child. That was when James Potter entered the scene. He was sent to live with you since Lily felt comfortable around him and I knew he could be trusted. Moving forward, Harry here was born on July 31, 1980. I remember you frantically running out of your fourth-year potions class when James sent his Patronus telling you Lily was in labor at St. Mungos. We couldn’t risk anyone finding out about your relationship with Lily and Harry, so everyone was led to believe that Harry was James’s son. Only James’s group of friends knew that James was never married to Lily, that you were, but they all believed Harry was his son. Now it was Christmas Eve that same year when you had come to me desperately begging me to protect your wife and son. I placed them in the home in Godric’s Hollow under the Fidelus Charm and had to obliviate your memory. What we didn’t know at that time was that someone was listening into the floo in Spinner’s End. That man was the one who ended up betraying his friends.”
At this Dumbledore took a quick pause. Before beginning again, he looked over at Harry and noticed the boy was intently listening, but then he looked over at Severus and was not able to detect any emotion or acknowledgment on his face. He took a deep breath and continued.
“After the war, I was going to restore your memory and Lily and Harry would have come back home. After that dreadful Halloween night, I realized I couldn’t put the boy in danger. Even with Voldemort being defeated, there were still death eaters that would have made life very dangerous for the two of you if they had found out the truth. Even now that the truth has been found out between the two of you, there is still reason to be cautious. Many people still want to hurt you, Harry. It is not safe for-” but he was cut off.
Severus slammed his palms on the table and stood up. “Not safe? Do you not think I would be able to protect my own son? I would have done everything, EVERYTHING to protect my son!” he shouted. Harry snapped his head around to look at the man as his jaw dropped to the floor. “You just wanted more pawns to play with! I have lost not only eleven years of my life, but eleven years of my son’s life! My son… my son with Lily,” he said thickly as he sat back down in the chair, rubbing his thumb and index finger on his forehead.
The room stayed quiet until Dumbledore spoke again. “I do apologize, Severus, but you know that he would not have been safe. The blood wards at his aunt and uncle’s house protect him more than you can think. He needs to remain there.”
Suddenly, one of the glass orbs on top of the headmaster’s desk shattered. Both older men looked around the room but then realized it had come from a trembling Harry. “Harry?” Dumbledore began, “are you alright my boy?”
Harry clenched and unclenched his fists. Without even thinking he shouted “No! Frankly, I am not alright!” Both older men turned and glanced at each other and then back to the boy. “I-I can’t go back there! I’m tired of being called a freak! I’m tired of sleeping in my cupboard! I’m tired of being given Dudley’s hand-me-downs! I’m tired of being smacked when I don’t finish cooking fast enough! I’m tired of being starved because I didn’t finish cleaning the house fast enough! I’m tired of being punched and kicked for fun! I… I-I’m tired!” he shouted angrily as tears now streamed down his face uncontrollably. When he looked up and saw both men staring at him with their mouths slightly opened, he had realized what he just said. He has never told anyone before. This made him cry even harder and drop his head again. ‘Great, now they think I’m just some broken kid,’ he thought.
“Harry…” the voice cut through his thoughts. When he didn’t look up, a hand was gently placed under his chin and lifted his head. Red rimmed, emerald eyes met the dark obsidian eyes that were filled with concern and sorrow. ‘Here it comes. This is the part where he says he doesn’t want a broken child. He doesn’t love me,’ Harry thought. He was utterly surprised when he saw the man stand up and grab his arm to stand with him. What surprised him, even more, was when he was being crushed against the man’s chest, one hand resting between his shoulder blades and the other resting on the back of his head holding him there. Harry didn’t know how to react to this, but he felt safe. For the first time in his life, he truly felt safe. This made him grab the robes of the Potion Master and hold them in his fists and he began to sob into this man’s chest. He felt one hand gently running through his hair and another rubbing small circles on his back.
Severus had no clue what he was doing. All he knew was that his heart shattered into a million pieces when he heard everything this child had to say. He could relate to some of the things since he grew up with an abusive father, but that didn’t mean he wanted to be able to ‘share abuse stories’ with Lily’s son… no his son. ‘Bloody hell, what am I going to do,’ he thought to himself.
When Harry finally calmed down and pulled back, Severus rested a hand on his shoulder and bent down to the boy’s eye level. “Alright, Harry?” he asked. ‘Of course, this child is not alright,’ he thought as he internally scolded himself for asking such a stupid question. Harry merely nodded and then sat back down in the chair. He looked back up and saw the headmaster staring at him with a sad look on his face. “Harry, I did not know. I am truly sorry,” he told the boy. Harry nodded and looked back down.
“Unfortunately, I am afraid my boys, that this still cannot become public. There are too many risks,” Dumbledore said softly. Severus looked back over at Harry and then back at the headmaster. “I agree. We must keep this quiet. No one can know. Harry, did you tell anyone?” Harry stayed quiet for a minute and then looked up biting his lower lip and wringing his hands again. “Y-yes, the Weasley’s know…” he answered quietly. Severus ran a hand down his face and sighed “at least they are members of The Order, but we must make sure they stay quiet about this.” Both Dumbledore and Harry nodded.
Severus looked at his pocket watch feeling completely drained and realized it was nearing dinner time. He turned towards Harry and sighed. “Harry, why don’t you head to the Great Hall for dinner and then head up to your common room for the night. I’m sure you’re exhausted,” he told him. Harry nodded and got up to leave. Before he reached the door he turned around “Good night,” he addressed both men. “Good night, Harry,” the headmaster responded, whereas Snape simply nodded his head.
After the door shut behind Harry, Severus sat down in the chair, his elbows resting on his knees and his head in his hands. “I don’t know what to do,” he said quietly. Dumbledore sat back in his own chair and sighed, looking sadly at the man sitting in front of him.
Chapter 9