- Shannon L. Alder
+ + + + +
Two nights until the Full Moon
Severus was left absolutely stricken by his now-faltering magic. It was like a part of himself was slowly fading away, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
He didn't think it was ever possible to mourn for the gradual loss of his magic, but his recent display in front of Potter that morning was now evident in the seriousness of his illness. His magic – his source of comfort and protection – now diminishing. The thought itself actually frightened him.
How could he defend himself? How could he protect Potter? He felt so ashamed of himself. He was becoming unbearably useless.
And I hit him. I hit Potter…What have I done?
Even though the boy himself was not angered by that unfortunate act, Severus felt sickened with himself. As much as the Gryffindor frustrated him at times, he would never dare purposely lay a hand on him like that. But he did strike him and he was utterly repulsed by it. Potter may have sensed that he was genuinely hurt by it, but he didn't understand the extent of Severus' horror.
Severus was reminded of the unfortunate nights when his own father would hit him across the face, usually consumed by his own intoxication, and realised his own destructiveness on both he and his mother. Suddenly, he reminded himself of his father and that thought alone sent shivers down his spine. He did not want to become that man. It couldn't be possible…He couldn't allow that to happen. Upon his own bitterness and self-loathing, he did not want to become his father.
He didn't mean it. He didn't intend to hurt Potter. The boy has suffered enough.
Oh Lily, I'm so sorry. You must think so little of me.
Severus couldn't help but dwell on Arthur Weasley's words about his Dark Mark the previous evening. His Mark was a reminder of one of the worst choices of his life. A path he so carelessly and blindly followed, thinking it would give him that security and comfort within such a rising power, and that dire need to truly belong somewhere. He couldn't have been more wrong with himself. His priorities and personal vendettas cost him both his humanity and Lily. His Dark Mark caused him to lose everything.
Potter had asked what he would have done if he never joined the Death Eaters.
Every single day he dwelled on what could have been. What life he could have had instead. Perhaps he would have found someone willing to accept him for who he was. Perhaps he may have been open to some type of love with another woman. That need to be loved. He wanted someone to love and care for. A partner he could feel safe with. Perhaps he may even have been married. With a child, perhaps? Was he even capable of being a father?
Definitely not in this lifetime. It was a wish that was never meant to be.
Severus didn't know what it felt like to have a child. One he could call his own. Although he did understand Arthur's outburst and need to protect his children, it still deeply wounded him. He made Severus feel like a threat…a danger. He was no enemy, and yet that Weasley seemed confident enough to brand him one, even still. After everything.
He couldn't help but think of those words echoing within his mind as he stood behind the crowd of mourners in the far back at the Memorial, leaning against a tree with the Invisibility Cloak wrapped around him. He really didn't feel comfortable attending because he felt like he was intruding on something sacred. Like he was a mere shadow imposing on something so intimate. He didn't belong there. Severus tried his best to protect those kids during his ill-fated period as Headmaster, but he could not save them. He could not join that fight, as he was still undercover until his dying breath. Perhaps he could have saved some of them. Any of them. He failed to protect them. He failed them all. He knew that, and he would forever be burdened by it. The service itself was beautiful, but he could not help but stare at Albus' tomb in the distance, just to further the blow to his own soul. It hurt too much to be there.
He left as soon as the service ended. It was all he could tolerate.
Severus felt poorly for the remainder of that day, but he made it back to headquarters in time to sneak in a mug of tea before his fasting period. He was to cease taking any type of potion that would potentially counteract the one he was meant to take prior to the incantation. In other words, he could not consume anything. Once he completed the first stage of the spell, then he could resume taking them. For now, he just had to grit his teeth and deal with the symptoms as best he could.
Most of the following day was spent feeling nauseous, as his stomach decided to do backflips in retaliation for the curse effects which continued to run their course. He couldn't eat anything, and water was all he could consume. But even that could not stay within his stomach. It was difficult to keep up with adequate fluid intake when his stomach just wanted to expel it right back up. As with the onslaught of headaches, it did not help matters. Every bit of light that penetrated through his window, caused him pain as the sensitivity caused him to feel even more ill. So, Severus spent a little too much time in the bathroom. Several times during the day, Potter arrived banging on the door, making sure the Professor was still alive in some shape or form. After a while, Severus got annoyed and yelled at him to leave him be. He knew the teenager meant well and had no idea how to help, but Severus was adamant he could deal with this small setback himself. He did his best to try and retain as much dignity and independence as he possibly could until there was a time when it likely would not be possible.
But Severus was exhausted, frustrated, and irritable.
Instead, he tried to stay within the familiar confine of his room, avoiding Potter for as long as he could. It was terrible enough for him to see him in his current ghastly state and did his best to mask the pain behind his usual stoic demeanor. He could see Potter trying to remain cautious, but even he could not hide his struggles from the Gryffindor. Upon a hasty trip to the bathroom, Severus found himself overcome by dizziness once again, causing him to slowly slump to the floor within the second-floor corridor. Potter must have heard his attempts to grab hold of something until he reached the floor. Eventually, Potter assisted the man back to his room and even became frustrated with himself for attempting to travel on his feet in his slightly disorientated state.
Eventually, Severus gave in and remained in bed. It seemed like the safest option at that point. He felt defeated and refused to talk to Potter for the rest of that day. He hated feeling so trapped, so…helpless. He hated being assisted against his will, like some victim to be pitied. The idea was repulsing even to him, but deep down, he knew he required help. Begrudgingly.
The nausea at least happened in waves. But the pain was consistent with the wound on his neck. It felt like being pierced slowly by a hot knife, over and over again. Severus gritted his teeth, but even that caused him discomfort. He was losing this battle, and there was nothing else that he could do. Even his Occlumency could do him no favors this time, as each day left him weaker than the last. He had previously told Potter to eliminate the potions within his room, in order to remove any kind of temptation. One falter, and that could drastically affect this incantation. Potter felt guilty upon the request, but even he knew it was for his own good.
The boy even used the potions as an incentive for him to keep going. He just had to get through another single day like this.
Just one more.
+ + + + +
Full Moon
Severus barely managed a few hours of sleep that night. The pain had dulled but was still problematic. Potter had knocked several hours earlier offering to help him with anything, but instead, Severus sent him away yet again.
If things couldn't get any worse, the full moon was that night. That meant he had another restless day of symptoms he could barely manage himself. He was tired and losing strength fast. But once he could deal with the first stage tonight, he could start to take further analgesic and anti-nausea potions to send him at ease. For now, it was his driving force. He just wanted this pain eliminated. And this was in preparation for what was to come. Although he had an inkling of what might happen, it still left him with a rising dread. Each hour that ticked by, left him far more anxious than it should. He hated delving into unfamiliar territory. He was a meticulous, calculative, and knowledgeable man.
But for once, he didn't know what was going to happen tonight...and that scared him.
Severus reached for the goblet of water at his bedside, but his tremoring hands caused him to lose his grip, as it fell off the side with a loud CLANK on the wooden floor. He growled and cursed harshly under his breath. Heavy footsteps ran down the stairs, as Potter burst through the door looking alarmed.
"POTTER, you are required to knock!" Severus responded through clenched teeth.
Potter looked slightly sheepish, "Sorry sir, I thought you…fell." His eyes darted to the goblet laying on the ground along with the pool of water forming underneath. The Gryffindor withdrew his wand to clean up the mess and refilled the goblet once more. Much to Severus' disapproval, he eventually allowed the Gryffindor to assist him to sit up in order to take a few well-needed sips to quench his thirst. Severus slumped back against his pillow, devoured of energy.
"The potion will be ready in a few hours – " Potter swallowed thickly, and Severus sensed his nervousness too. He watched as the teenager gingerly made his way to the chair to sit beside him, "- Then we'll make our way to the forest."
Both he and Potter had discussed possible locations previously and decided that the Forbidden Forest was the most obvious place to perform the incantation. It was difficult to discover a location where it is unfrequented by wizardkind and one that not many creatures would dwell. They had to find a section of the Forest that was secluded, but away from the usual habitats of some of the creatures that lived there. Severus knew of a spot close to where the Thestrals usually grazed, and it was upon a small clearing where the moon was visible. It was the only logical option at this point.
Severus shook his head, "Once we arrive there, you are to depart immediately back to Headquarters – "
"- You can't change my mind, sir. I don't care what you say. I'm going," Potter appeared annoyed. They both had spent the last few days heavily debating this, and yet they still came to the same conclusion. There was no shaking the stubborn Gryffindor from his midst, as much as he tried. Every attempt to repel the teenager appeared useless.
If anyone had asked him this a year ago, he would have done everything in his power to prevent an audience. Least of all from Harry Potter.
Upon the man's near-death a month prior, that experience admittedly frightened him beyond anything he ever experienced in his life. Severus didn't believe in fate, but it was by a blessed chance that Potter was there to receive those memories in time. Any minute too late he, and those memories, would have been lost, and who was to know what would have transpired then? But it had nothing to do with the memories that had Severus afraid. It was death itself. Potter was there in his final moments, and admittedly, it was a small comfort. Knowing that someone was there, even though that person happened to be Potter of all people. The person he had spent protecting for half of his life. At that point in time, it didn't matter. Nothing else had mattered then. Because it was at that point, Severus had done all he could for him. Even though Potter would have still seen him as the enemy.
But he could not have imagined laying there, bleeding to his death, scrambling for life. Alone. That thought scared him senseless. He couldn't imagine being left there to die, and no one would ever know until they stumbled upon his lifeless form. It would have all been for nothing. He spent so many years preparing for possible death, and he thought he was comfortable with the idea. Willing, in fact. Now that the threat loomed once more, it sent him on edge.
Now, he wanted to live.
But the truth was, amongst his own shame, he wanted someone there now and the only one that wasn't completely repulsed by his presence, ironically, was Potter. This time, he really was scared to be alone once more. But could he dare admit that to the boy? He couldn't. The Gryffindor knew too much already. Potter was somehow expecting his usual confident teacher to be completely calm and collected throughout this entire ordeal. But truthfully, he was scared out of his mind.
And yet he was also scared to have him there and witness whatever was about to transpire that night. His desires were conflicted and he couldn't put the teenager through further pain on his own accord. He had put him through enough hardships through the course of his life and being a dying burden upon him was not what he intended. But Potter chose to remain with him. It was his choice.
Severus was far too worn-out to argue. Each time he tensed; a hot pain would shoot through his neck. He couldn't deal with this anymore. He just wanted this to be all over.
"…Sir?"
Severus clenched his jaw in pain, and replied with a muffled voice, "What, Potter?"
Potter hesitated slightly upon the man's grouchy tone of voice, but that didn't stop him, "Remember you told me about my mum? When you were at school with her – " He continued, as Severus suddenly turned his attention back at the Gryffindor, "– You had those magical quandaries you mentioned? Well, to help keep your mind off the pain…I have one for you."
Severus didn't know if he was kidding or trying to further irritate him. He had no more energy to yell at him to leave, and thus, there was very little resistance on his part. But upon the boy's mention of Lily, already that seemed to deter his mind from their current problem. Until Granger returned with the completed potion, they were to wait.
Severus shuffled up within the bed with great effort as he did his best to position himself better, once again, waving his arm away at the Gryffindor to halt his attempts to help.
Once he took a few moments to compose himself, he drew in a large deep breath and responded rather feebly, "…Go on."
Potter seemed rather pleased with that response and sat further back in the chair, "Alright. If someone were under the Imperius Curse, and they drank Veritaserum, could the curse bypass their ability to tell the truth?"
Severus looked at Potter as if he suddenly grew an extra head, "…What kind of ridiculous question is that?"
"Did you prefer I ask you what your favorite Bertie Botts flavors, were?" Potter smirked.
Severus opened his mouth to speak but instead closed it again as he paused to ponder such a question. It was actually quite a complex one and he was rather surprised it was Potter to think of such a thing. The Gryffindor was definitely here to further pick his brain. Well, this wasn't the method Severus had to take his mind off the excruciating pain, but it was the only way he had at this point. So, he decided to go with the distraction as a welcome relief.
Severus arched his head, "Veritaserum is undoubtedly potent, but not definitively reliable. The potion effectively overrides your ability to lie. It cannot work fully if the victim's mind is damaged or manipulated because that will provide a skewed sense of what they believe is the truth," Severus paused, as he drew in a struggling breath, "…But I suppose it all depends on the strength of the caster of the Imperius Curse. If the caster can successfully warp the mind of the host upon their control of the person's will, then the Veritaserum should only react to that skewed truth. Furthermore, given that logic, Veritaserum will essentially triumph but would likely prove ineffective."
"That poor host would never know what the actual truth would be. I can't imagine them being, well…the same after that," Potter squirmed a little within his seat, looking slightly mortified, "I suppose that's never really happened before?"
"Not to my knowledge. Given the circumstances surrounding the…psychological assault, you are correct to assume that they may not be the same after it. Once they come to, I doubt that their truth perceptivity would be pure and untainted."
Potter grimaced, "So what if that person were an Occlumens? And they were under the Imperius Curse and Veritaserum?"
Severus raised his eyebrow and scoffed, "I'd rather perish than succumb to either of those, simultaneously, Potter. An Occlumens can cloak the truth, but Veritaserum alters the chemical construct of your brain temporarily, so the truth would still come to light. But as mentioned previously, Veritaserum is not always reliable."
"That…oddly makes sense."
"Is the answer satisfactory enough for you?" Severus couldn't help but smirk. He wasn't entirely sure because he amused the Gryffindor with an answer to a seemingly impossible question, or simply threw the teenager off guard. His face suddenly turned deadpan, "Also…Cinnamon and grape."
"…Excuse me?"
"The answer to your second question."
It took a few moments for the Gryffindor to register what he meant, because once he did, Potter burst into laughter. Severus hadn't meant for it to be funny, but for a brief moment, he forgot all about the pain and focused his amusement on the now incoherent teenager across from him. There was something cathartic about it, and even for a fleeting moment, forgot all about the looming ritual ahead. And the corners of Severus' mouth twitched into the most subtle smile he could muster. Lily would have had the same reaction as the boy beside him.
It was rather comforting.
As the evening clicked closer, Granger had arrived bearing the first completed potion which turned into a thick crimson color, almost resembling blood. As Severus finally gathered enough energy to stand on his feet without the room spinning around him, he got himself dressed while Potter and Granger were having a discussion downstairs. There was no distinguishing such conversation, but he concluded at least, that it wasn't a heated argument.
Carefully, Severus made his way downstairs as slowly as he could tolerate. Potter was kind enough to dim the lights for him as he currently knew how sensitive to harsh light he was. Upon reaching the kitchen, Granger was clasping the book tightly to her chest, while Potter was carrying a bag full of the supplies that they needed; both stopped to look at him as he entered.
"Are you sure you don't want me accompanying you – " Granger was insistent.
Severus steadied himself against the doorframe, "That will not be necessary, Miss Granger."
"It's fine, Hermione. I'm going with him, " Potter responded.
Granger's eyes widened, "Harry, remember – "
"- I know. It's okay," Once he retrieved the book, Potter turned to Severus, slightly anxious, "Ready to go, sir?"
Severus responded with a single nod, "…Let's get this blasted thing over and done with."
Nothing else was said after that as departing seemed like such a solemn affair, and Severus was growing uncomfortable the longer they waited. The Potion's Master was already having issues with balance as the world seemed to spin before his eyes, so Potter was tasked with apparating them both to the Forbidden Forest. Once they re-materialised, Severus dropped to his knees, fighting a wave of nausea on the forest floor. He was most certainly devoured of energy to the point where he could seriously just lay down, curl into a ball, and drift off to sleep. It seemed rather inviting.
"…Sir?" That seemed to prod Severus back into reality.
Severus grumbled under his breath, "Just…leave me be. Leave me here. Go home."
Potter dropped to kneel beside him, "No, we are almost there. Don't make me summon Professor McGonagall."
Severus shot Potter a murderous look, "Don't you bloody dare, Potter."
"Then, listen. Here, I'll help you up –" Despite Severus' low growl in defeat, Potter slung the man's arm over his shoulder as they stood up in unison. Severus swayed slightly on his feet, but Potter did not let go, "…We'll walk there together."
They walked in silence as they passed the clearing where the Thestrals lived, taking each step carefully. It almost felt like he was marching to his death. The experience itself was unnerving and the closer they traveled, the more anxious Severus started to feel. He did his best to mask the uncertainty on his face because if he could be useful for one thing, he could at least give the teenager the illusion that he was confident about the incantation. Seeing the worry on the Gryffindor's face did not help matters.
They arrived at their chosen secluded clearing with the full moon shining brightly overhead, illuminating the area around them. In the distance, a few lights could be seen within Hogwarts castle, but their view was concealed by the thick trees around them. The sky above was mostly clear, albeit for a few clouds floating by. Releasing Severus gently, Potter did his rounds to place wards around the area to conceal them as much as possible away from any potentially prying eyes. Meanwhile, Severus began setting up his workspace. It wasn't complicated and didn't require many objects. Potter pulled out five large selenite rods from the bag and place them within the ground in a circle leaving Severus room in the center for where he will be stationed.
According to the text, the selenite will act as a protective barrier upon commencement of the first incantation, allowing safe space for the caster. As the first stage is likely to disrupt the curse, it will prevent it from being released prematurely out into the open and redirect it to the chosen vessel instead. The curse itself is not meant to be removed completely upon the first stage, but merely attempt to gradually shift it. The incantation is performed in stages to preserve the health of the host. Thus, the selenite cage will make sure it is contained and does not accidentally escape into the next living thing.
Severus retrieved a small silver bowl and placed it to his left, with a small white candle to his right. The book lay open and ready on the first page, with the small tear-drop-shaped vial of the protective potion wedged in the center of the book. Severus pulled off his traveling cloak and cast it aside, as he knelt down in the center of the selenite ring with an immense feeling of dread flooding his chest.
"Please don't tell me you left the vessel behind?" Potter broke the silence.
Retrieving his wand, Severus waved it gently to his side, when an object began to form in front of the book in a smoky apparition.
It was his ornate silver Death Eater mask.
Severus glanced at Potter, who merely looked speechless, "Rather poetic, don't you agree?"
The Gryffindor nodded in surprise, "Uh, yeah."
"Once the curse is completely removed then I can bury it, and never lay eyes on it again," Severus looked at the book before him, avoiding the Gryffindor's gaze, "Potter, you are to sit behind me a distance away. Keep your eyes averted and I will inform you once it is complete. We pack at first light in approximately five hours' time, which concludes the first phase."
"Okay, but – "
"– Allow me to finish, Potter," Severus turned to look at Potter directly in all seriousness, "I do not know what will happen, but by any means, do not intervene at any cost. Whatever ensues, you must allow it to continue. I cannot have you unnecessarily at risk. Even if that means departing whilst I finish, then I encourage you to do just that if you are unable to tolerate it. I will understand. For once – Harry – Please listen to me."
Potter didn't say a thing. Instead, the Gryffindor shakily nodded.
"…Now, go," Severus' voice dropped to a whisper, fully reading the boy's worried expression as he turned to walk away.
Once the boy had turned away, Severus shifted into a more comfortable position. They were going to be here for a while. It was a small blessing that sunrise was earlier given their recent transition to summer, otherwise, he would become far too impatient. He withdrew his wand and filled up the bowl with water and lit the candle. Much to his relief, there were no magical hiccups this time.
Sitting up tall, he flourished his wand, "Claustrum initium". The selenite crystals which surrounded him glowed brightly, as strands of white light connected them together. Nothing could penetrate it. Like an ethereal spider web, it created a cage of sorts, keeping Severus safe within.
Or locked away.
Amongst the looming dread now, and with a trembling hand, he picked up the vial of the potion that will initiate this ritual. It was no surprise that he was familiar with what was contained in such a brew, but he was not as prepared for the purging effects that such a potion will create. Drawing in a deep breath, he exhaled calmly and slowly, in his bid to settle his nerves. Once he could wait no longer, he downed the thick crimson potion in one go, consuming every available drop. The potion itself even tasted like blood and that itself was nauseating to his empty stomach. The potion immediately gave him a warming effect throughout his body, but it was not a pleasant experience. The warming gradually turned to a burning sensation and he knew immediately that there was no turning back.
Leaning forward, Severus began to chant the first inscription, "De caelo superiore…De tellure inferno…Ab igne dextero…Ab aqua sinistra…Quod incepimus conficiemus…Quocumque sequenter venit…" Upon each line of text, the bowl of water beside him began to ripple as if it was being hit with invisible rain. The candle flame on his opposite side extended upwards above him like a fiery rope and flickered for a few moments until it reverted back to its usual harmless flame.
Severus flipped to the next page where the next incantation lay. This was the one that was likely to cause him problems, and he was to chant this one three times. He dreaded this one, but there was no going back now. He needed to finish what he started.
He drew another deep breath, ignoring the burning sensation radiating to his fingertips, "Ex tenebris in lucem ducar? …Constitui pergere. Non mihi solum…" His stomach heaved, but he pushed through and continued the text, "…Aegroto dum anima est, spes est…Dum spiro, spero..." He felt the burning slowly advance up to his throat, but still, he pushed through, "…Libera ego primum metu mortis...Hac vita aut proxima…" His eyes began to prick with a horrible burning and his vision began to distort slightly. He was still able to read the text, but everything else around him began to spin. The Death Eater mask before him started to glow a shimmering white. The object was being primed to become a vessel.
The moonlight above further distorted his vision and he began to see strange shadows casting themselves within his line of sight on the forest floor. He wasn't entirely sure if it was the trickery of the light, or if the spell itself was doing something to him. He still needed to chant that text a further two more times but something in his mind screamed. A terrible, high-pitched scream wailed within his head, causing him to shut his eyes. That scream was met with another, and another…until a chorus of unknown voices cried out within his mind. He could not distinguish them no matter how hard he tried.
Severus felt a tug at his neck. He knew it wasn't Potter because the selenite cage would have kept him out. He opened his burning eyes, but not a soul was there. He frowned as a sense of strange stillness overcame him momentarily. But as he leaned forward to chant the text again, that tug progressed into a mild stinging within his neck, causing his eyes to water.
Yet, he persisted and spoke with a controlled calmness, "Ex tenebris in lucem ducar? …Constitui pergere. Non mihi solum…" The stinging began to elevate once again, as he felt the curse shift within him. The stinging turned to severe burning, causing Severus to pause for a few moments to compose himself, "…Aegroto dum anima est, spes est…Dum spiro, spero…" Severus lurched forward suddenly, feeling as if someone had slashed him across the neck again. The pain was becoming too intense and the cries within his mind were making it far more difficult for him to focus. His vision continued to spin and through irregular, panting breaths, he continued, "…Libera ego primum metu mortis…Hac vita aut proxima…"
Suddenly, he felt a terrible ripping sensation from the wound in his neck, causing Severus to let out a horrible cry in pain. The force of the sensation caused him to lean forward, supporting himself with trembling hands. Through his blurred vision, he watched as his silver mask continued to glow. The tearing sensation in his neck caused his eyes to further water, as he struggled to endure the pain which was more than he'd ever felt before. This felt far worse than the Cruciatus curse. He could practically feel the curse being ripped away from him.
Severus clutched his face with his hands, as the voices ran rampant through his mind. They were slowly being reduced from senseless wailing, but he could now start to differentiate them. One of them was yelling at him. Severus opened his eyes, feeling as if they were there. But through his distorted vision, he could see a shadow of a figure looming over him.
"You filthy, worthless fool!"
"…F-Father?"
"You disgust me, Severus. What good are you?!" A sound of a cracking belt could be heard, causing Severus to immediately flinch, expecting some kind of impact. But none came.
"No, don't hit me – "
"No wonder your mother took her own life. She couldn't deal with you!"
"No…That's not true…It was you…"
The horrible sound cracked again, further causing Severus to flinch.
Father, go away! It was not my fault. She took her own life because of you, not me…Severus felt a tear fall down his face, but he hastily brushed it away, not wanting his father, or what appeared to be him, to have the satisfaction of his defeat. It's this blasted curse. A vision. It's taunting me…It knows it's being attacked, so it's giving me these hallucinations as a defense mechanism…Don't believe them…
"How could anyone ever love a hopeless case like yourself?"
"Father…please…" Another tear fell. How could he not?
"We should have just sent you away. The sight of you sickens me."
Come on, Severus. One more chant of the verse and this will all be over soon. Severus tried his best to deter the hallucination from his mind, but his father was still standing over him, threatening him in the ways he remembered clearly. An imaginary sound of his belt still rang through his mind, as he struggled to focus on the text in front of him. It was like a bad dream.
"You don't deserve life, Severus. You are no son of mine – "
Severus shook his head wildly, determined to shake the man's voice away. But he will not leave.
"Keep going, sir, you're almost done…" It was Potter's voice this time. He wasn't sure if he was really there or if it was the hallucinations playing tricks on him still, but it was enough to bring his mind back to the present, "…One more time…" He could sense the wavering panic in the Gryffindor's voice. How much of that had he heard?
Gritting his teeth through the intense pain again, he resumed, "Ex tenebris in lucem ducar? …Constitui pergere…Non mihi solum…" He felt a stabbing pain in his neck, recoiling once more from its rising intensity, "…Aegroto dum anima est, spes est…Dum spiro, spero…" He gasped for breath and managed to choke out the last few lines, "…Libera ego primum metu mortis…Hac vita aut proximal..."
The pain he felt next was excruciating. It felt like being skinned alive. The pain itself numbed his entire body and at that point he didn't care how much he yelled out in agony. He knew it was the curse being magically poked and prodded, and it was retaliating. Severus felt himself keel over to the floor, writhing in pain as the curse took him in a chokehold. There was nothing he could do. The Death Eater Mask before him continued to glow, and he could see wisps of black smoke wafting towards it, protruding from his neck. Occasionally the selenite cage would glow like a flickering light. The curse itself had no choice but to flee toward the chosen vessel.
"Ahh, Severusss…"
Severus tensed at the new, familiar voice.
"You cower, just like the othersss. Had I known you were so fearful of death, I would have taken you out of your misssery a long time ago."
"…My Lord?"
"Traitors have no place within our midst."
Severus tensed, expecting the familiar round of Crucio. The wait for it was almost as agonising as the curse itself. But like the belt, nothing happened. The hallucinations were playing tricks on him. Taunting him mercilessly. And yet he could hear Nagini around him, echoes of her forked-tongue hissed, ready for another round to kill…Severus felt shivers down his spine.
No, not again…please…His eyes grew wide in fear.
"What a pity. You could have been so much more. Was that filthy Muggleborn you lusted over, really worth it, Severus?"
Severus shook his head, "No! You wouldn't understand…"
"Understand what, Severus? Love? That sickening, weak emotion you favored, over power? Pathetic. And where did love get you? You still are…nothing."
"It's not weak! I'm not – "
"Lily is dead, by no other fault but your own. It was your desire to eavesdrop on Albus Dumbledore that night, was it not? You could have fled. It was you who sealed her fate, Severus. You mustn't forget your hand in this."
"NO!"
"And you begged me to spare her? How very desperate of you."
"She didn't deserve to die…She didn't…" Severus' face twisted in horror, as he tried his best to pull that horrible memory from his mind. It was no use. The memory was so clear in his mind, that it felt like it happened only recently. He allowed another tear to fall. Nagini was still around him, somewhere…The snake hissed again as if she was right beside him. His body tensed again as he heard every slither of voice from the snake, he feared, anticipating its attack again.
The curse began to claw at his wound, further pulling his mind in a tangent. He couldn't focus. He was right. It was his fault. Everything that happened, was his fault…The hallucination before him began to distort once again, but Severus remained laying on the forest floor, writhing from the pain in his neck. He couldn't take this anymore. He wanted this to be over.
"It's my fault…It's all my fault…" A sob escaped from Severus' lips, for he could no longer contain it, "I caused it…I caused it all…What good am I? Albus, you should have just killed me…Please…I can't bear it any longer…"
Between Severus' suffering, he could have sworn he heard someone sniffle behind him. His mind was far too much of a mess to register anything else, and he could barely notice if the boy were even still there. Potter shouldn't have stayed. What had he heard? He really didn't want to find out.
"…I shouldn't be here…I should be dead…"
Severus had lost all concept of time. How long had he been out here? He wasn't sure. With tearful eyes, he looked at the sky above. The night was lifting, but the sun still could not be found. Dawn was drawing near, and yet the spell was still tearing him from the inside. Everything hurt. And not just the curse latching onto him, but his heart hurt. So very much.
He heard a shuffle behind him. Severus' eyes widened and responded with shakiness in his voice that he could not prevent, "Potter! Stop where you are! Keep your eyes averted! Don't you dare turn around -"
"I-I know, sir. I'm not looking," Potter sounded upset, as his voice trembled with those last few words, "…It's almost over. I'm right here."
Severus buried his head in his hands. He did feel some measure of relief that he was here. Or someone was, at least. Although he told the boy he was welcome to leave, it was admittedly, a test to see if he did. When he realised that the Gryffindor hadn't left his side, another few tears fell down his stricken face. Furthermore, the spell did work in his favor and the boy was unable to see his face. Severus would never purposely allow his vulnerability to show like this. The only other person who did was Albus on the night that Lily died. But this night contained such a rawness within his soul, that he wouldn't openly display to anyone. He hated himself for it, but he couldn't contain it any longer.
Everything just seemed to crumble all at once.
"Sir…" Potter lowered his voice, as it echoed from behind him, "No one could have known what was going to happen. You can't keep carrying that guilt forever. Remember what I told you a few days ago? You are not that person anymore."
"I failed, Potter. I failed everyone."
"No, you didn't. I'm here, aren't I? If you failed, I wouldn't be here."
"You couldn't begin to understand my predicament. I won't waste my breath explaining it to you."
"Then, don't. You can't change what happened."
The pair sat in silence, hearing the slight rustling of the trees around them. Severus glanced down at the silver mask, which continued to glow. He suspected once the time was up, that it would cease that effect. Until then, it was a waiting game. The pain within his neck continued to burn, causing him to wince and clench his jaw to try and mask that pain, but it didn't seem to do much good.
Severus noticed the boy hadn't moved from his spot, "You should have left, Potter. Why didn't you leave?"
"Because I told you I wouldn't."
Severus drew in a wary breath, "You are not to disclose what you heard tonight, to anyone else, do you hear me?"
"I won't do such a thing. Do you really think I would?"
There was a pause. Maybe there was a time when he believed that he would, without a doubt. Before…everything. Now, no, he really didn't think so, but it was difficult to put trust in anyone over a simple request. He knew that the Potter patriarch would have loved that opportunity to tell the entire student body personal things such as that. Even though he knew Potter here was really not like his father, he was worried that he may one day slip up. Just like Severus had done when he accidentally hit him.
Severus glanced up into the distance to find the first rays of light peaking through the horizon. He sat there unmoving as he watched the new light of the day slowly wash over them both. Exhausted, Severus leaned over and extinguished the flame from the candle, ending the first phase. He ushered the spell to bring down the selenite cage and sat there for several moments, not wanting to move from his spot as he observed the glow of the mask slowly fade. Severus closed his eyes. He heard a shift beside him and immediately felt the Gryffindor drop beside him so that they were almost shoulder to shoulder.
Admittedly, it was a small comfort for Severus. Knowing that someone was there. Even if it was the Chosen One, it still caught him by surprise. He didn't deserve anyone.
He couldn't help but feel so unbearably wounded by the words of his father and the Dark Lord, despite them being hallucinations. But how far different could that have been? Both already saw so little of him. His father was right. Who could love a hopeless case like he was? Who could ever love someone like Severus?
"I'm sorry. I didn't intend to put you through that…"
Severus sighed, "I don't require your pity, Potter."
"I never said I did, sir. Despite what you may think, I actually do care."
As do I. But he couldn't tell him that, could he? How could he even begin to share that with him? Within his absolute horror, Severus began to tear up again, still reeling from the emotional hurdles he had to jump through earlier. He turned away from the Gryffindor, further ashamed of himself.
It's too late. He got too close to the boy. It was never supposed to be like this. He was never supposed to care. Not like this…
"You'll find peace again. Someday. Even despite everything. Just know that I don't hate you," Potter was sincere. There was no mistaking that. It was hard to believe how they both ended up where they were at that moment. Two damaged souls sitting together watching the sun start to rise. Potter, however, continued, "…And you've stopped hating me, too. I can tell, and I'm not going to hold that against you. Then, let that be your way forward."
Hmpf. Isn't that what Albus said to me on the night Lily died? He couldn't be sure, but those words seemed to echo within his mind as if he'd heard them before.
"…I ceased hating you a long time ago, Potter. Ever since I saw how your wretched relatives mistreated you during our Occlumency lessons…I blamed myself severely for it. However, I couldn't allow myself to get close to anyone because of my role as a…triple-agent. It was merely impossible for me to do so. Becoming attached would have been a death sentence. Not just on my part, but for those…" Severus lowered his head, "…I had to play my part effectively."
"Well, I say it's about time we put our past disagreements aside. Properly this time. And we can both move forward," Potter reassured.
Severus turned away from the Gryffindor and reached into his robe pocket. It was then that he pulled out the torn photo and half letter of Lily that he so carelessly stole just after Albus' death. With a whisper, he extended the items to Potter beside him, "…They were never mine to take."
Potter blinked at the objects within his hands, "Wh- "
"- Just…take them. "
"Are you sure?"
Severus nodded, "Yes."
Potter gently retrieved them from his trembling hands, "Thank you…That means a lot," The Gryffindor looked grateful, "Here, let's get you back home – "
…Home…It has been his home recently, but he had no place else to go.
Finally composing himself, Severus closed up the book and dissipated the silver mask. He felt trickles of blood down his neck, soaking his chest, causing him to sigh in frustration. Just another thing to deal with. He tried to stand on his feet, but the onslaught of pain from the retaliation of the curse weakened him severely; his energy clearly diminished. Potter didn't even have to ask as he immediately helped him to his feet the same way they arrived, slipping to his side, to support the damaged man.
They made their way back to Grimmauld Place without another word and Potter assisted him to his quarters.
But for the first time in Severus' life, he finally realised he was no longer alone.