He felt useless and not like his usual self. They did engage in conversation and found themselves reminiscing in memories of the times during Dumbledore's reign as Headmaster, but Harry could not help but feel depressed and heartbroken at the thought of all those lives now lost, and the damage done to the lives still going. Including his own. He thought the familiar company would do some good, but in fact, he felt much worse. How could anyone possibly understand what he was feeling? His friends, fellow classmates and adults fought bravely by his side. But neither could begin to comprehend or unravel the pain within his very core and the hopelessness he still felt due to the events that caused so much pain and grief in his life. He was surrounded by friends and allies…But he has never felt more alone than he did at this moment.
Yes, he won the battle. But was he truly victorious?
Once Neville and Luna left his side, he found himself weeping silently, allowing his tears to soak his shirt until he finally succumbed to the exhaustion of the last few days, and drifted to sleep.
Once he awoke, he sat in silence staring at the familiar ancient scarlet tapestries lining the walls. Once he finally felt ready enough, he began to pull out his ink and quill and managed to salvage two pieces of parchment from his bag. Lighting up the fireplace once again, he began to write.
How are you holding up? I was hesitant sending anything earlier, as I wanted to give you all some space. Hogwarts is almost fully restored. We've been working on its repairs, and it's looking better than ever. Hope you can see it all soon.
Give everyone my condolences, okay? I wanted to send you this letter to let you know that I am thinking of you and your family during this time. Really missing you all.
Harry
Harry folded the parchment neatly and set it aside to write the second one.
Can you believe I'm still here at Hogwarts? Everyone has done a great job in restoring it. We've barely stopped. The school is almost back to its old self now. It's still quite surreal.
I knew you wanted to spend time with your parents, so it's why I held back on sending this letter. I wanted to give you all time to yourselves. Truth is, I miss you. I never thought I'd say this, but I feel useless and unsure of how to deal with everything. Probably also why I chose to keep a little distance is because I feel you don't need to deal with me right now. We won the fight, but it's the other one I'm struggling with. I hope you understand.
Really hope to see you both soon. When you are ready.
Harry
Clenching his jaw, he gently folded the second piece of parchment, and made his way up to the boy's dormitory, expecting Hedwig to be there, perched beside his bed. It took him a long while to process what he was seeing. Harry stood there, for several moments, eyes slowly welling up with a deep indescribable sadness at the realisation that Hedwig – his beautiful snowy owl - was never coming back. Mentally kicking himself for expecting such a thing, he made his way out of the common room and headed straight to the Owlery to send his letters.
He wandered back down onto the grounds, and upwards through the winding path to the Owlery. He was shocked to find that half of it had been destroyed, and not yet been restored. A few owls still fluttered around, but it was the first time he'd seen the building in this state. Luna had told him a few days ago that Voldemort had ordered his Death Eaters to destroy it so that students could not send for help during the battle. His heart sunk to his stomach at the thought, and an image of frightened students running to the Owlery to attempt to send emergency letters, flooded his mind. What a terrible thought.
Once he found two willing owls, he sent off both letters, with a feeling of uncertainly rising within his chest. A part of him felt afraid to send them – almost feeling as if he is intruding on their grief. The other part of him felt relieved to finally reach out. But in all honesty, he was scared. Scared of what the future would hold now for them. For their families. For his friends.
Attempting to push those thoughts from his mind, he left the Owlery and made his way back to the castle. He noticed a giant figure leaving the castle, and immediately, Harry's face lit up like a lamp.
"Hagrid!" Harry called out, hastily speeding up his stride to reach the half-giant.
At the call of his name, the man turned to see Harry walking towards him. His face, too, lit up, "Blimey, Harry!" Once they were within reach, Hagrid enveloped the Gryffindor in a warm embrace and held that position longer than usual. "It's good te see ya!"
"You too, Hagrid, "Harry responded, finally pulling away.
"Oh, guess what? Me hut is finally repaired. Professor Flitwick and a few of the students had it repaired for me. Fang's all relieved now." The man chuckled.
"That's great to hear, Hagrid. I was going to get that tended to for you, but they must have beaten me to it."
"Ahh, Harry, it's alrigh'. Yer had enough on your mind," Hagrid allowed his large palm to rest of Harry's shoulder, "Say, you should go home and get some rest. Ye look exhausted."
"Home, yeah. I'm kind of lacking that right now, "Harry hadn't really thought too much about it. He always considered Hogwarts home, but at this state…He crinkled his brow and thought of Grimmauld Place. Could be home? Well, technically it was. Harry, Ron and Hermione had spent weeks hiding out in there whilst they were being hunted. But for some reason, it didn't feel much like a home. At this point in time, nowhere did.
"Well, you can always stay with me and Fang!" Hagrid beamed, but his smile slowly faded when he noticed Harry's sombre expression. "Oh."
Harry shook his head, "I'll figure it out, Hagrid, don't worry. I'll feel better once Hogwarts has been fully restored. It's sad to see it like that."
Hagrid nodded, "Quite right. Listen, Harry. Ye gave me quite a scare, back…You know when. Doing…you know what. We nearly lost ye."
Walking to his death in the Forbidden Forest. How could he ever forget? And poor Hagrid had to carry his body back on Voldemort's orders. Neither had a clue he survived that final attack. Pretending to be dead in Hagrid's arms was not a part of the plan, but it was effective. Harry had to resist flinching when his shirt was getting soaked with Hagrid's tears as he wept that morning. That was quite the challenge.
Harry offered the man a reassuring smile, "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry – But I'm glad you were there."
"Ye beat him, Harry. Ye did it. I knew ye would. I'm proud of ya – We all are, and don't ye forget it."
"Thank you, Hagrid," Harry was enveloped in another hug yet again by the half-giant, which seemed to help calm his anxiety somewhat. They parted ways soon after, as Hagrid made his way back to his hut on the outer grounds of the castle.
Once Harry was alone again, he decided to sit on one of the stone benches within the main courtyard and closed his eyes deep in thought. The atmosphere was quiet. He could barely hear any voices around now, and he figured many of the students finally decided to return home to their families. He was amazed at their dedication to staying, despite their own experience in the war. Harry felt another pang of guilt and opened his eyes again. The sun was starting to set in the distance, and faint rays of sunlight pierced the greyed clouds, casting beams of light on the stone pathways of the castle. It was rather stunning to see. Harry felt a light breeze, which was soothing against his bruised skin.
He sat alone for a short while until the sun slowly began to dip further into the horizon, but a flap of wings startled him back to reality. A hazel-coloured owl landed by his side, and Harry retrieved the letter from its beak before he took flight once more. Harry opened the letter.
Sorry I've not sent a letter sooner. Things have been quite difficult at home. We are having a funeral for Fred tomorrow afternoon, and we'd all like you to be there. Mum says you can stay with us tonight, and Hermione will be here as well. It's just going to be a small service for now. I hear Professor McGonagall wants to plan a huge memorial service at Hogwarts for everyone sometime over the weekend…Well, that's what Mum is telling me.
Anyway, we really hope you can be here.
Ron
Harry ran his shaking fingers through his hair in a mixture of emotions. He wondered when they were going to hold a funeral for Fred. His death feels even more real now.
Once Harry sent off a response to Ron, he went back to the castle to retrieve the little belongings he had left. Hermione had previously dropped off the rest of his clothes from her curious purse, so at least he had some things with him. He made his way to McGonagall's office – thankfully, which was empty – And travelled to the Burrow via Floo powder.
He entered the fireplace and threw down the Floo powder and disappeared in green fire and smoke. The next thing he saw, was the familiar household of the Weasley family, as he stepped out of the adjourning fireplace. The first friendly face he saw, was Molly Weasley's.
"Oh, Harry!" Molly immediately wrapped him up in a motherly hug and rubbed his back rather soothingly. Molly had already treated Harry like another son, and this made Harry feel all warm inside. He really missed being at the Burrow. The last time he remembered being here, was during Bill and Fleur's wedding – The night that Harry, Ron and Hermione fled and went on the run. That seemed like a lifetime ago. "It's wonderful to see you, my dear."
"Same to you, Molly." Harry hesitated for a bit, not sure what to say. "I just want to say…I'm-"
"- Don't say another word, Harry," Molly cupped her hands against Harry's face and looked directly at him with the saddest smile he ever could see on the woman. They were all hurt by this terrible loss. "It's not your fault. Fred would be so happy for you to be here. We all are."
"Harry's here!" Immediately, Hermione bounded down the wooden staircase and tackled Harry with a hug. It seemed he was getting a lot of those today. He gripped Hermione tightly, as he pondered how much he really missed his friends. Hermione let go of the embrace and gazed into Harry's lost expression. She dropped her voice, "How are you, Harry?"
"Oh, you know. Peachy," Harry shrugged. What else could he say? That he was happy?
"Come on, let us go upstairs and see Ron and Ginny. We've all missed you," Hermione led Harry away from Molly, as they ascended the rickety wooden staircase of the Burrow and guided him to Ron's familiar bedroom.
Once Hermione opened the door, Harry's face lit up at the sight of Ginny sitting on the floor beside Ron. Harry could feel tears welling up, as he realised it has been so long since they saw each other. Last he recalled they were hunting for the last few Horcruxs at Hogwarts. They saw each other briefly after the Battle, but she left with the rest of her family in mourning over Fred. Since then, he let her be and gave her the space she needed at that time. Now, he longed for her company again.
Ginny bounded up from the floor, and ran to Harry, enveloping him in the hug he so longed for. They held their embrace for what seemed like an eternity. He buried his face in her long red hair and felt his cheek flush with warmth. He missed her so much. He felt Ginny tenderly kiss his cheek, and rubbed his back soothingly, as he allowed that moment to settle. Eventually, Harry broke off the embrace and led Ginny to the floor beside Ron, who was cross-legged with Hermione now nestled against his shoulder.
"Ron…Ginny…" Harry lowered his head respectfully, "I'm so sorry about Fred."
Ron simply nodded, not sure how he should respond to that. Eventually, he managed to muster up a few words, "Yeah. It still hadn't sunken in yet. We are all in a state of shock, really."
Harry nodded in understanding. Ginny reached out to hold his hand and leaned up against him.
"Harry, how is Hogwarts? We're sorry we haven't come back to help –" Hermione broke the silence.
"It's looking much better. Still a lot to repair, but it looks more like it did before," Harry said, "It's fine. You guys have enough to worry about. Everyone has been doing shifts, and some coming back to help."
There was a faint sound of sobbing echoing from downstairs. Harry looked from Ginny to Ron, to Hermione. Everyone looked uncomfortable.
"Mum's been doing that all day, every day, since…You know," Ginny whispered, sadly. There was a short silence between them all.
The silence was making Harry deeply uncomfortable, "Hermione, how are your parents?"
Hermione blinked out of the sombre trance she was in, "I lifted the memory charm, and everything is back to normal. Though, I didn't have the heart to fill them in on the battle. I just couldn't."
"Say, Harry…" Ron shifted slightly uncomfortably in his seat, "How are you feeling?"
Harry clenched his jaw, and shrugged, "I really don't know."
"I only ask because, well…We've all been really worried about you. We hadn't heard from you after we left, and well…People have been worried too."
Harry gave Ron a frown, "What have people been saying?"
Ron began to speak, but Hermione sat up and looked from Ron to Harry. "Well…We've been told that you've been…avoiding people."
Now it was Harry's turn to sit up straight. He gently let go of Ginny's hand, and the look on his face was now pure annoyance, "Told? By who?"
Hermione looked uncomfortable, "I can't say who exactly. Many people are worried about you, Harry. We all are. It's just…Not wise to be by yourself. At this time. After everything."
Harry ran a frustrated hand through his messy dark hair, "Stop worrying, I'm fine –"
"-Harry you are NOT fine!" This time it was Ginny to say something, and the sound of her stricken voice caused Harry to jump slightly. Harry looked at Ginny and noticed how sad her eyes looked. They were all looking at him…Watching him. Suddenly, Harry felt suffocated by the sudden tension in the air.
"What did you want me to say? That everything is okay? That everything will get better? Well, it won't –" Harry stood up, "How can things get better? People died because of me. You all have families to go home to, and I have…No one. I already lost Sirius, and now Remus…" Harry's voice cracked, but no tears came this time. He stood there fuming, trying to calm his breath which became uncontrollable within his anger. The faces of Ron, Hermione and Ginny were that of shock, as each sat there staring at Harry with their mouths gaped open. "I can't face people again because of my guilt. And don't pretend that you understand, because you don't…I – I need some air."
Harry backed out of Ron's room, bolted down the stairs and made his way outside of the Burrow into the crisp night air. He took in a deep breath and gave him time to steady himself.
Ugh, what the hell am I doing? They didn't deserve that. I'm such an idiot!
Harry looked up at the stars as if he were searching for a sign that he wasn't completely losing his sanity. After everything that happened, dealing with the aftermath of the war was the most testing.
Hearing a shuffle of feet behind him, he turned to find Molly Weasley making her way towards him. She gave Harry a warm smile and placed a reassuring arm around his shoulders. After a few minutes standing like that, he heard Molly sigh before she began to finally speak, "During the First Wizarding War, I lost both of my eldest brothers – Fabian and Gideon. They were members of the Order of the Phoenix when it was first established, you know. One day, they were locked in a battle with a group of Death Eaters. Their deaths left me so distraught, that I felt terrible that I was neglecting my own young children at the time. Arthur was so patient with me. Even now, I still get sad thinking about them and wonder what men they would have been today if they had lived. "
Molly shook her head in thought, and continued, "Anyway, the point of me telling you this, is that it's okay to feel angry and frustrated. But no one says you need to do that alone. You have so many people around you willing to give you some kind of comfort, Harry. Trust that they mean well. Because they do. We can't pretend all that didn't happen. We keep the fallen in our memory, and we use that to strengthen us for the days to come. We can't stay stuck in our guilt. Our loved ones would never want us to stop living. The war is won, thanks to you, sweetheart. Now we can all focus on rebuilding our lives the best we can. But for now, we must allow ourselves to grieve. Alright?"
Harry was speechless and all he could muster was a few nods. Molly was right.
"Would you like to stay with us? A little more long-term? Arthur and I would be delighted to have you stay with us," Molly attempted to give him a smile, and as warming as it was, it didn't help the way he was feeling inside.
Harry was taken aback by the request, "Oh, err…I'll think about it, Mrs. Weasley. I don't want to intrude. Really. I still have loads I need to help with at Hogwarts. I might even fix up Grimmauld place, now that Kreacher is a little more welcoming of my company."
The woman smiled sadly, "Alright, Harry. The Burrow is welcome to you whenever you need it, and always will be. Let's go back inside – I'll make us some tea."
Harry followed the woman back inside the Burrow and settled himself in the living room by the roaring fire. Eventually, Harry went back to apologise to his friends for his little outburst earlier, but he still felt so terrible. He spent the rest of the evening quiet and lost in his own thoughts, and he figured that was safer for everyone this way. Just for now, until he can learn to deal with his grief.
The following morning was sombre and serene, but difficult. Molly and Arthur were insistent on a small service and knew that Minerva McGonagall was planning a larger memorial service for all those fallen in the Battle at Hogwarts. But for now, Fred would be buried with honour and love from his family and friends on this cool afternoon. Molly and Arthur wept, along with George, while Bill, Charlie and Percy stood in silence with their head bowed. Ron held onto Ginny beside the other siblings, and Harry and Hermione stood together in silence.
Once the service concluded, Harry left the Weasleys beside Fred's grave, and Hermione followed suit and found a spot under a tree for the both of them to sit.
"Hermione, I didn't want to mention it yesterday, but – "
"- You found him, didn't you? Snape?"
Harry blinked, "Err, yeah. How did you know?"
"Just an inkling. You tend to disappear for long periods of time when you are focused on something. Surely fixing Hogwarts wouldn't have kept you that occupied," Hermione gave Harry a playful nudge. She really was incredibly observant, "Where did he disappear to?"
"I found him at the Shrieking Shack. He was in a bad state – He told me Draco had come to his aid shortly after we left him that night. That's why he suddenly showed up to the final fight."
Hermione nodded, "Makes sense. Besides, elaborate on 'bad state'. Is he alright?"
Harry shrugged, "Honestly, I'm not sure he is. I went back the day after I found him, and we spoke a little. A few arguments…Some civil conversations, surprisingly. He got mad at me for trying to help him. He wants to be left alone, but honestly, I'm worried to do that. After everything he has done…He feels just as horrible as I do right now."
"Well, like everyone else, he needs time to properly grieve, I suppose…I mean, he is free from the Death Eaters now. But I understand why he must feel scared to leave. Surely the Ministry will be looking for him, and he will likely be put on trial for Azkaban if they did. He is still not a free man…Poor Snape. He fooled us all."
"Hermione, you were the only one of us who tried to convince us that his actions were good all these years. We should have listened to you. You always saw what we didn't," Harry reassured. Or at least tried to.
Hermione shrugged, "I guess I always felt like there was…More to him. But he did his job so well. I can't imagine what that must have been like for him. Having to…kill Dumbledore…to keep his allegiance to Voldemort, and to have no choice but to turn against his friends and colleagues. What he felt he had to do, was horrible."
"Yeah. I'm still shocked by it all."
"Who else knows?" Hermione lowered her voice.
"Just us."
Hermione's eyes grew wide, "You have to tell McGonagall – "
"- Seriously? Snape will have me hanged. He didn't want anyone to know."
"You can't just leave him in there! That can't be healthy."
"This is Snape we're talking about. He practically lived in the dungeons for years. Surely the Shack is a step up…"
"Harry, you can't joke about this!"
"I can't force him to leave, Hermione. The least I can do is abide by his wishes. Not that I really know what they are, but…"
"Harry, I know you and Snape have been on opposite sides of the coin since you started at Hogwarts, but…Look at what he did for you. All these years, he looked out for you. Even despite his animosity for your father. Try and at least reason with him," Hermione exasperated.
"I know," Harry nodded, "I just don't know what good I'll be. I'm just a thorn in his side. I mean, the man still kinda hates me. How do you help a man who still hates you?"
"Surely he can't still actually hate you. Remember what he said to you before he died. We all heard it. What he said, was an indication that you are more like your mother than your father. That speaks volumes, Harry. Snape is a bitter man. But he finally needs someone on his side. I know deep down you want to try."
"Of course I will. I guess I can't just do nothing. My mum would have wanted me to try."
Hermione smiled, "That's better, Harry. If it's one person that can help him see reason, it's you. "
Harry chuckled, "What makes you say that?"
"Well, you both have more in common than you may think. You were both motivated by the same person. Just, keep that in mind. Question is, after everything…Do you still hate him?"
Harry sat there for a few moments; his brow crinkled in thought. He looked out over to the Weasleys in the distance, "Yes…And no. Knowing what I know now, I can understand why he had to do certain things. But treating me unfairly and horribly at every opportunity since I started at Hogwarts, is not something you just forget. He was never openly supportive or understanding."
"Well, perhaps this is a test for the both of you. You didn't see him a second time, without reason. Obviously, you hoped to gain something in that encounter. Otherwise, you wouldn't have bothered."
Harry nodded slowly, "Yeah, I suppose. I'd be happy with a truce, to be honest. But I feel I owe him something at least. For all he did. If he didn't give me those memories, and what I needed to see, I wouldn't have known how to defeat Voldemort. He deserves more than just hiding out in an old dusty house, alone with his guilt."
Hermione nodded, "I know you won't give up because I know you. Maybe he'll come back to Hogwarts and teach again."
Harry chuckled, "Funny you should mention that because McGonagall asked me to consider a teaching position at Hogwarts."
"After our DA meetings, I knew you had the qualities of a proper teacher. But I thought you wanted to be an Auror?"
"Yeah, I did. Well, that was before we ended up on the run, and fought for our lives. Now the more I think about it, teaching at Hogwarts sounds like a bit of a relief. I spent my school years escaping Voldemort's attempts on my life…I really don't fancy spending the rest of my years now hunting Dark Wizards."
Hermione smiled, "Very wise decision, Harry."
Harry finally stood up and took in a deep breath, "Just – About Snape. I need you to keep that between us for now. Tell no one, not even Ron or Ginny. I just need time to figure out what I'm going to do."
"Of course, I will. I'll try and come up with some kind of solution," Hermione stood up and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder, "It'll be alright, Harry. We'll all get through this…somehow. "
Harry nodded grimly, and without another word, they both made their way to rejoin the Weasleys for tea at the Burrow. Harry was hesitant at first, but Molly insisted he stay for a few days with the family. And so he did.
But it wasn't until the third day of being at the Burrow, that something made Harry's hair stand on end.
"Oh no," Ronald groaned, as he pulled up the first pages of The Daily Prophet and laid it flat down over Molly's breakfast offerings on the kitchen table. Breakfast was a little less sombre than it had been in the past few mornings since Fred's funeral, but it was still strange seeing George on his own without his trickster twin and partner-in-crime, and it was still something neither could quite deal with. Harry could barely look at George without feeling a wave of sadness for him.
Once Ron alerted everyone's attention, the room went silent.
"Listen to this –" Ron began to read an insert from the newspaper, "'Reports early this morning indicated hostile activity in the old town of Cokeworth, where it believed to be an old residence of a Death Eater and possible safehouse for followers of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. An anonymous witness claimed he saw a small group of dark-robed wizards enter a residence from the back ally and noticed one of them brandishing a Death Eater mask. Witches and wizards are advised to be on high alert, as the Ministry is still attempting to capture escaped Death Eaters seeking refuge. Contact Auror Headquarters for any further reports of sightings.'…Blimey. I thought they caught them all?"
Arthur Weasley looked incredibly worried, "The Ministry has been trying to track them ever since they escaped Hogwarts. Not all of them surrendered. Mr. Shacklebolt – now elected Minister – is enforcing extra Aurors to this task. I'm heading to the Ministry this morning and I'll try and find out more."
"So, there are more Death Eaters out there? Re-grouping?" Hermione stated in a slight panic. She looked at Harry and glared, while he returned the look. Worry rose from the pit of his stomach. They both had the same horrible thought.
Harry looked back at Arthur, "Why would they re-group this soon? They know they are being hunted down…"
Arthur took a sip from his coffee mug and placed it down gently. He drew in a deep breath, "My guess, Harry, is that they might be targeting people. One last stand to take out the enemy. You best be on high alert, Harry…I'll contact the Auror office to assign someone to you…Just in case. "
Harry shook his head and rose from the kitchen table. "No, it's alright, Mr. Weasley, I'll go straight to Hogwarts and inform Professor McGonagall. The wards are now active, I'll be safe there. Besides, there is something else I have to do while I'm there."
"Oh, Harry, please don't put yourself in any more danger. You've had more than your share of it," Molly pleaded, "Please stay here for your protection."
"I really have to go, Mrs Weasley," Harry turned towards the living room where the fireplace was situated, "I'll be fine."
"I'll go with you, Harry," Hermione placed down her cutlery, retrieved her bag, and made her way over to Harry.
"Hermione, what –" Ron started to speak.
"It's alright Ron, we'll be back soon."
Harry and Hermione hurried out of the kitchen and travelled to Hogwarts directly via Floo powder. If both Gryffindors had the same thought, then they would have come to the conclusion that Snape may be targeted. If Death Eaters were regrouping, then more than one life could be in danger.
And it was about time Harry approached Professor McGonagall about it.