Chapter 14

Chain of Memories

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"Dumbledore," Severus said in a low growl barely above a whisper, his voice shaking with fury and eyes narrowed in accusation. He didn't call the man by his first name as he had done for the past ten years; he was too angry. How could the man he trusted most have kept something like this from him? He knew that Dumbledore often kept things secret, but he hadn't expected anything this big… or this personal. His dangerous tone remained the same. "Do not tell me—"

"Severus, you have to believe I did it to protect you," Dumbledore said. His voice was calm and authoritative, but his blue eyes held a quality of pleading that could hardly be missed.

"From what?" Severus spat. "Bollocks you did this to protect me! You did this because you're afraid that I won't bend to your will if I'm not living in my own dreary world of guilt."

"You know it's nothing like that," Dumbledore said in a subtly peremptory tone.

"I knew," Severus laid definite sarcasm on this word, "that I could trust you," He finished darkly. "Yet here we are."

Dumbledore shook his head. "Would you have taken him? Would you have accepted him?"

"It doesn't matter!" Severus exclaimed, hoisting himself from the couch with a great deal of effort. "It wasn't up for you to decide! If he's my son, I had a right to know! He had a right to know!"

Dumbledore gazed at the younger wizard, at a loss for words. Of course, he was right, but at the time, Dumbledore had known only the bitter, uncaring side of him. Severus was always been guarded, careful to prevent vulnerability by closing himself off from any person he did not know and trust. Dumbledore'd had no idea what the man could be like; he'd only seen the dark, emotionless mask the man had worn.

"I was sure you would have harbored bitter resentment towards Lily for what she'd done," Dumbledore said quietly, "and I still believe you would have. I couldn't send Harry to that."

Severus was still staring at the Headmaster in disbelief, in shock from what he'd just been told and trembling with irrepressible rage. His skin was paling from the stress of standing up, and he discretely placed his hand on the table to steady himself, preparing a response as he did so.

"Severus, sit down, you'll hurt yourself," Dumbledore said, moving forward.

"Don't tell me to sit down," Severus said, drawing back his hand and menacingly moving towards him. "You as good as told me I killed my own child, Dumbledore," He paused, looking at Dumbledore in an expression of deep anguish, as though to impress upon the man just how much agony this had caused him. It was a mark of just how close the two had become over the years that he did so, but this fact did not restrain Severus from his lividness as he barreled on. "You've always made decisions that I thought were not yours to make, but I stood behind you because I believed that— maybe you were just on some other plane of wisdom and others couldn't see the reason for your madness. I trusted your judgment, but this is beyond the pale of the things you've said and done."

"Please sit down," Dumbledore said quietly, unable to produce any words to defend himself. "If you have more to say to me, I will listen, I am willing to admit that I deserve it. But don't injure yourself. Sit down."

Severus looked at the headmaster in disbelief for a moment. He had hardly heard a word that had left Dumbledore's mouth; he was too busy dwelling on the fact that this man had known all along, yet had never said anything. He was battling his feelings of hurt and betrayal, trying instead to put on a front of anger and malice. As Dumbledore looked into his eyes, however, Severus realized the man couldn't be fooled. "Why?" he finally asked quietly, still standing.

Dumbledore looked into the pained face of the young, darkly clad wizard, and could feel only remorse. "I couldn't bring myself to tell you what I'd kept from you all these years. Lily told me on the condition that I would never say anything to you, and for a long time, I wanted to be loyal to her wishes. She told me you hit her… she told me a few things, and I'd heard a number of rumors from others. I'm now sorry to say that I blindly believed most of them. I didn't think you were the kind of man who could raise a child, especially one at such an impressionable age, who came with so much baggage. Considering the history with your father… well, I thought Harry was better off with his aunt and uncle."

"Better off?" Severus said, shaking his head. "Do you know the way those people have treated him?"

"I knew it wouldn't be easy for him," Dumbledore said. "But I never imagined they would express open hatred for him. Now I see you would have been the better choice. Over the years, I've come to know you very well, and I've seen a much better man than I'd estimated. I first thought of telling you eleven years ago, but then I thought that the transition might have been too much for Harry, and I knew you would be angry."

Severus raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "Did you ever bother to check on him? It sounds as though the thought of telling me no more than crossed your mind, much less that it was a was a plan over which you carefully debated, as you normally do when things are important to you," Severus paused, treasuring the feeling of triumph upon seeing the punctured look on Dumbledore's face at this insinuation. "I would understand your reasoning much better if he had been happy with them, but he wasn't, still isn't. Quite the contrary, he was and is miserable. I've seen not even a tenth of his unpleasant memories with them, but for a while, they were enough to make even me pity him. Hell, I was almost tolerant of him until he went and invaded my thoughts."

"As I've already noted, Severus, I had no idea, and I hoped Lily's family would be somewhat like her. I knew Petunia hated her sister, but I thought maybe she had a good heart like Lily had. Yes, perhaps they've been unkind, but it's not as though you've been any better towards him, Severus," Dumbledore reasoned.

"And yet I'm not the one I see in the worst of his memories during Occlumency," Severus poignantly stated. "I'm his teacher; he can deal with the fact that I hate him. Family is a different story… and at least I had good reason."

"Don't try to justify your treatment of the boy," Dumbledore said reprovingly, something flashing ominously behind his blue eyes.

"Then don't try to justify your negligence!" Severus bit back, holding his gaze in a challenging glare.

The two held eye contact for a moment, and Dumbledore sighed in capitulation. "It wasn't meant as neglect. Lily—"

"I don't want to talk about her, Dumbledore," Severus said as he fought to restrain his once again rising temper. "I want to talk about the boy. So you say you didn't know about his family situation. Well, I don't remember you saying anything once you'd found out."

Dumbledore nodded in contrition. "Over time, it became easier to simply keep it from you both, and you must understand, the mutual enmity you two developed during merely his first year made it seem best to keep the news quiet. However, after last summer's events, I started to feel it would be best for him to be somewhere where he could be defended. Yes, Hogwarts will do for now, but soon he will need a home where he can really be safe. Your home is guarded from ministry wards, so he could work on his skills there and could protect himself without risking expulsion, and I have faith you would at least be decent to him. I've been considering this for a year now, and the consideration has only grown stronger since Sirius' death. I'm worried about him, Severus. He needs someone there for him, someone to care, and perhaps-"

"You're right," Severus said, voice dripping with sarcasm and annoyance, "I'll be a fine replacement for his beloved godfather, I shall hasten straight away so that we do not lose any more bonding time."

Dumbledore ignored him and continued. "Malfoy's warning solidified my decision, though, and the night you came to my office, I was planning to tell you that I'd just discovered the relation between you two. However, once you saw the memory, I knew you would never believe such a story. I couldn't betray your trust… so I—"

"You lied," Severus finished darkly. "The great wizard who is afraid of nothing was frightened of losing some of his credibility, so he lied."

"To be afraid of nothing is a quality I never claimed to possess," Dumbledore said softly. "And I wasn't afraid of losing credibility… I was afraid of losing your trust and companionship," He lowered his head. "But I'm afraid I may have accomplished that anyway."

"Maybe you have," Severus said morosely. "Or maybe you haven't." He stared Dumbledore in the eyes, trying to determine the sincerity of the man's words. No matter how hard he looked, however, could he find anything within those swirling orbs of blue besides pleading compassion. He didn't know if his trust would ever return to the man. He did know that he couldn't hate him forever; Dumbledore was the one person who had stuck with him and given him his undeserved trust when no one else would. Severus had been more open with him than with anyone since Lily. However, he couldn't get past the fact that this man would have allowed him to suffer so much just to spare himself, and he wondered how many times it had happened in the past.

"You have your pensieve?" Dumbledore asked, interrupting Severus' thoughts.

"In my bedroom, why?" Severus questioned suspiciously.

Dumbledore didn't answer, he simply responded by retrieving the pensieve. He set it on the table, and lifted his wand to his head. He extracted a single memory, placed it inside the bowl, and looked at Severus purposefully.

"It's my conversation with Lily," Dumbledore said quietly. "You deserve to know what happened."

Severus looked at him strangely for a moment, and then slowly approached the swirling substance. After a moment of apprehension and a sideways glance at Dumbledore, he leaned forward, and was soon being pulled headfirst into the memory. He felt a great amount of trepidation towards what he was about to see. He didn't know if he did want to see it… maybe he was better off not knowing what had transpired between the two that would cause a man of such morality to pursue such deceit.

Severus landed on the hard ground of Dumbledore's office and looked around. It had hardly changed at all; the only difference in this parallel universe was the absence of a few trinkets and much less clutter. The portraits were arranged on the walls in exactly the same manner, the same amount of warm light streamed through the open windows. The furnished wood was still a deep maple that provided a cheerful, welcoming glow, and the aged yet polished furniture stood in all the proper places to match their positions today.

Dumbledore sat at his desk, poring over the papers in front of him with an expression of deep vexation. He reached up and scratched his head pensively, frowning at the yellowing parchments spread across the glossy wooden surface.

Severus watched him for a moment, before a small knock on the door commanded both men's attention. Dumbledore looked towards the door, an expression of mild agitation present on his face. Casting one last glance at his work, Dumbledore rose and moved towards the door.

When the door was pulled open, Severus was not in the least bit surprised by what he saw. Dumbledore, however, was.

Standing there, a disheveled mess, was Lily Evans. She was trembling slightly, and her cheeks and eyes were a dark, tear streaked red. She was clutching her arms to herself as she peered behind Dumbledore and looked around to see that he was alone.

"Lily?" Dumbledore said softly, looking down on his former student, slightly stunned at her arrival. "Are you alright?"

Lily shrugged. "Can I come in?" She asked in a quiet, hoarse voice, a telltale sign that she'd been crying for quiet a while.

"Of course," said Dumbledore, standing aside and closing the door behind her. Severus watched from a detached perspective as Dumbledore led her to his desk and sat her down in front of it.

She looked as though her stomach were literally turning over inside of her, upset to the brink of nausea.

"I need your help," Lily started in the same quiet, dejected voice. "But I won't ask a thing of you unless you can promise me one thing."

Dumbledore nodded graciously, yet was clearly worried about what he might be agreeing to. "What is it?"

Lily looked up slowly. Her face was set in a stony, despondent expression as she looked straight into his eyes and said in a voice more serious than ever, "You can't ever tell Severus. He can never know what I must tell you."

Severus tore his eyes from her face, unable to bear the absolute despair present on it because it stirred something in him. He much preferred the depressed apathy with which he was watching the situation to the guilt he felt from knowing he caused it.

"And what is it that you must tell me?" Dumbledore asked slowly.

"I'm- I am carrying Severus' child," Lily started, rising from her seat. "I was so excited to tell him... the moment he returned home from his trip, I told him I had news. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, at first," she said shakily, choking back a sob. "But then, I was so excited, I probably wouldn't have noticed. But we went inside, and when he reached to give me a cup of tea, his left sleeve fell back, and I saw something that disturbed me deeply."

She noticeably blinked back several tears before continuing. "Headmaster… he's taken the dark mark. I don't know when he did it, or why, really. But I knew, instantly, that I had to change my story- he was already asking what I had wanted to tell him. If I had told him I was carrying his child... he would never let me go. I can't bring my child into that kind of life. I thought quickly... I'm still not certain I made the right decision in that moment, but I had little choice." Tears were rolling down her cheeks. "I couldn't tell him after that, I couldn't, and I knew it would take a lot to get him to concede to a divorce so suddenly. None of the stories I thought of would have explained the baby, and he can't ever know he has a child. It had to be believable, and enough to make him end things and want nothing to do with me or the baby-"

She was rambling, now, but Dumbledore waved a hand for her to cease her explanation, and asked gently, "What did you tell him, Lily?"

Lily ran a shaky hand through her hair and looked down as it fell back to her lap. "I said that the baby belonged to James." She started crying again.

"Oh, my dear," Dumbledore said, eyes full of concern.

"He reacted so violently, Dumbledore," Lily bitterly cut him off, choking back her sobs. "If not for that, I might consider returning- asking for his side of the story- but... he knocked me to the floor and threw me out of the house," She shook her head. "I don't know exactly what I expected, but that wasn't it. He was livid, violent. I've always told myself he gentle, kinder than others thought- at least where I was concerned. But now- I think- with his violent family history... perhaps it's better that I did what I did. Maybe I got out just in time..."

A horrible pang hit inside Severus' chest at this, and he could not ignore the rapidly sinking feeling in his stomach, as though someone had just pulled the floor out from underneath his feet.

Lily stood up and walked across the room, taking Dumbledore's pensieve from the shelf. She raised her wand to her dark red head, and drew the silvery substance of memory from it.

"He'll never forgive me," She said quietly, turning back around and facing Dumbledore. "And I don't want him to make our child suffer in my memory… I never would have thought he would before, but then, I never saw this coming either. James has agreed to marry me, so that no one will suspect anything against my story. He's always been such a good friend."

"The memory?" Dumbledore questioned.

"A replica," Lily responded. "You're the only one who knows about this, other than James and myself. We're naming Sirius godfather, but I don't trust him with this information. He'd use it to taunt Severus, and I won't let that happen. If anything is to happen, I know you'll take care of things accordingly. This is so you'll understand what words cannot say. Then you'll understand what I have asked of you in this letter," She held up a thick envelope.

"Child—" Dumbledore said, taking a few steps towards her.

"I must go," Lily said, shaking her head. "I must go."

She placed the long letter on top of his desk, and looked at him for a moment. "I can't go back to him," She said. "But if you can help him, I pray you will. I can't live with the fact that he's playing pawn to Voldemort; it's killing me inside. Please, for his sake, bring him back to our side."

Dumbledore hesitated to answer, knowing his response was the only thing for which she was waiting to walk out the door. He wanted her to stay; he wanted to find out more about what had happened so he could try to help her. Still, he said, "I'll do what I can, Lily."

Lily nodded. "Thank you," And with that, she left his office.

The memory had ended, and Severus felt himself being pulled back up through the dark mist. When he'd arrived back in his own quarters, he said nothing, he simply sank to the couch, looking drained of all energy and overwhelmed by the weight of the situation.

There was a tense silence. Severus could feel Dumbledore's gaze on him as he contemplated his thoughts on what he'd just seen. It hurt him to know he'd caused Lily so much grief; and what was worse, she had still cared about him even after the way he'd treated her. She had still beseeched Dumbledore to help him get out of trouble, even though it would serve her no benefit. But then, that was Lily. No matter how cruelly one acted towards her, she would never wish them any real harm.

"What do you plan to do?" Dumbledore asked quietly.

"About Potter?" Severus asked flatly.

"Will you approach him?" Dumbledore asked. "He's a bright boy. He will find out eventually, but I think he would prefer to hear it from you. It will be less difficult in the long run if you tell him now, instead of allowing him to come to the truth by himself. Such an event would only further his feelings of betrayal."

"Funny," Severus said bitingly, "How you give advice that you don't follow yourself."

Dumbledore looked away. "I'm sorry, Severus. I truly am."

Severus narrowed his eyes. "'Sorry' doesn't change anything. It never has."

"Maybe not for you," Dumbledore paused. "Maybe because you don't hear it enough."

Severus rolled his eyes. "Don't analyze me, Dumbledore. 'Sorry' doesn't change anything because you can't take back a lie, and I don't forgive easily."

"And neither does Harry," Dumbledore added. "Severus, talk to him. If only to inform him, talk to him."

"If only to inform him," Severus scoffed. "Oh, yes, that'll go over well. 'Ten points from Gryffindor- Oh, and I almost forgot; Harry, I'm your father, your mother and I were married but she left me when I got my dark mark, and I got angry and scared her away so she never came back. See you in Potions on Monday.' Please, Dumbledore, I know you better than that. You're hoping for some father/son relationship that you can smile at and say, 'Oh, I've done well here."

"This isn't for me," Dumbledore said, his tone the sternest it had been during the entire conversation. "This is for him. I'm worried about him; the combination of his school and home life can't be healthy, and he may well turn out to be the most powerful wizard in history. Now that Sirius is dead, he has no one as any sort of father figure, any sort of confidant."

"He has his friends, the Weasley family," Severus said. "He has you."

"Harry has lost a lot of faith in me, at the moment, and I daresay it used to be his faith in me that he valued the most. He needs someone else..."

"And if I tell him only to inform him, with no means of creating a relationship, do you think that will comfort him!" Severus exclaimed, eyes widened at the audacity of this notion. "I've known of this not five minutes, and you're asking me for a decision on how to ease him into it? I haven't even accepted it yet! You hide this from me for years, allow me to grow to hate the child, and then expect me to forget all of that?"

"You have to be the adult here, Severus," Dumbledore said authoritatively.

"I can be the adult, but you're asking me to be a father," Severus said. "I don't even know the boy."

"You have for the past five years-"

"If the boy I've known for the past five years is the boy who's supposed to be my son," Severus started loudly, drowning out Dumbledore's voice of growing frustration, "then I don't know if I want to be his father."

Dumbledore looked away, shaking his head in disapproval. "Sirius loved him from the moment he set eyes on him, and he'd never even spoken with him. He saw the best in Harry because it's what you do for the people close to you, the people who are supposed to be your family… as I did for you, when you were lost and alone. Harry might not have made it through the last two years if not for Sirius, and now he's gone and Harry feels alone. You could fix that."

"Don't talk to me about Black," Severus said in spiteful remembrance. "That's not the topic. I don't want to think about any of them."

Dumbledore considered him for a moment. "Severus, why do you go on holding such grudges? I can understand the way you've felt about James Potter, but why hold the rest in such bitter memory?"

"I think you always underestimate just how horrible they were to me in school," Severus said critically. "And even worse was the treatment after Lily and James were married. They all seemed to think I'd done something to her to chase her to Potter."

"They were right, in a way," Dumbledore said.

There was a short pause, and Severus said, "I think it's time to bring this conversation to an end."

"Perhaps if I talked to him," Dumbledore offered.

"If you do," Severus said, narrowing his eyes menacingly. "I will never forgive you. You are already walking a fine line with me, and if you interfere with this issue any further, I will never trust you again."

There was another short pause in which Dumbledore seemed to be deciding how to respond to this.

"Understood," Dumbledore finally said, standing up to leave. "But Severus, for all of our sakes, don't shut him out. His emotional stability is key in winning this war."

"I won't befriend the boy as part of a ploy to win against the Dark Lord," Severus said, shaking his head. "If I do, it will be because I feel I should. You may use people as pawns to your game, but as I know what that feels like, I won't."

"Goodnight, Severus," Dumbledore said after a moment.

"Goodnight," Severus said with a curt nod, before watching Dumbledore disappear out the door.

xxx End Chapter xxx