Potions and Snitches
Snape and Harry Gen Fanfiction Archive

A Sickening Realization

Chapter 5

A Sickening Realization

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It was very early in the morning and the castle was still quite dark as Severus Snape headed towards the headmasters office in hurry. He had just come from a Death Eaters meeting, and learned some very disturbing news.

The Dark Lord had hatched a new plan for Harry Potter, and it ended in something much more horrific than death.

The cloaked man arrived at the statue and muttered the password before hurriedly climbing the revolving staircase to Dumbledore's office. He came to the door and knocked. He waited a few moments for a response before deciding to enter; the Headmaster might still be asleep, but Severus would rouse him. His matter was much too urgent to wait until the sun came up.

Severus pushed the door open and stepped inside, closing it quietly behind him. Once he was inside, it seemed to him that the headmaster was not asleep; the lights were still on and there was an abundance of books spread from one corner of the office to the other.

Severus stepped closer to the desk, curious as to what the headmaster had been researching. He picked up a book and raised his eyebrows. It was a book on heritage, and the page was turned to a paragraph on father/son similarities and relationships. Severus set the book down and picked up the one next to it. Again, he was perplexed. The heading of the page read, "Psychology for the Burdened; How to be the Bearer of Bad News."

Severus shook his head and replaced the book; Dumbledore was always meddling in things that he shouldn't. He glanced towards the door to Dumbledore's room; the light was on underneath. Severus decided he would wait a few moments to see if Dumbledore came out on his own, and while he waited, he looked around in curiosity.

His eyes came to rest on Dumbledore's pensieve perched tentatively on the ledge of a shelf. Severus rolled his eyes at its precarious positon and rose to move it to a safer location. Honestly, if the thing shattered and those memories were lost... he shuddered at the apparent carelessness. His hands clasped the pensieve and he moved across the room to set it on the nearest clear surface- something difficult to find in this cluttered office. As he set it down, however, something appeared in the silver mist, something that made him freeze in his tracks. It was Lily. His Lily— no, Potter's Lily. She had tears running down her face, and Severus could see that she was in Dumbledore's office, talking to him. His lip curled in disgust; she was probably speaking to him about her arse of a husband.

Suddenly, her face had appeared at the surface. She was still speaking, but very quietly. Severus made to turn away… but something stopped him. He could see her lips moving, forming around syllables very similar to the ones that formed his own name. He could have sworn he even heard her soft voice saying, "Severus."

Severus cast a glance around the office. No sign of Dumbledore. Though he knew he ought not to, he couldn't resist... what had the Headmaster spoken with her about that Severus did not know of? Why was he viewing the memory again now, after all these years? Placing his hands on the edges of the table, he lowered his face slowly into the silver mist, and felt a swirling sensation as he was tugged downward... landing on the front doorstep of a home he had inhabited long ago.

Severus watched himself open the door to Lily, greeting her warmly, and instantly recognized it as the last night they'd ever civilly spoken. But he had not given Dumbledore this memory... it must have been Lily's.

Lily was standing in the doorway of the large home they'd once shared, blocking the entrance as Severus shivered on from his spot on the bottom step of the porch. "I've been waiting in front of the window for you all day," she said smilingly, cocking her head and smiling down at him. "I was beginning to think you'd never arrive."

"Waiting?" Snape inquired, eyebrows raised, before stepping up to her level and pulling her to him. "I should have you arrested for stalking..."

"I'd like to see you try," she said, kissing him warmly and taking his hand to lead him inside.

The younger Snape smiled at this as she led him to the couch to sit down. The older Severus watched Lily intently while his younger self moved to the kitchen. He watched closely as he returned to the living area and handed her a cup of black tea; he specifically remembered something having changed in her demeanor after this moment, and he had never quite been able to pinpoint exactly what had happened to cause such an abrupt change that night; he watched her closely, with a mixture of dread and anticipation.

It happened so quickly it might have been imagined. His sleeve had fallen back as he extended the cup of tea- just barely, but enough to see the freshly etched Dark Mark upon his inner forearm. Yes- why had he never seen it before? He had just taken the mark, so certain that this was the only way to keep the Dark Lord from harming them- from destroying the life he had finally built with the woman he had loved all through his childhood. How young and stupid he had been- if only he had realized his mistake then.

Severus paced halfway around the room to see her face, and knew as soon as he saw the dismay in her expression that she had seen the mark. Had he ever caused her as much hurt as he had in this moment?

Lily's expression changed into one of forced calm as the younger Snape handed her a cup of tea and sank to the couch next to her. He placed a hand on her knee, but she shifted away, apparently deep in thought. His younger self frowned, inspecting her as she stared silently into the cup in her hand. After some time, Severus prompted her, "Did you say there was something you wanted to tell me?"

"What?" Lily responded distractedly, having been pulled out of her daze.

"You told me you'd been waiting for me all day," Snape reminded her. "What was it you wanted to say?"

Lily looked at him apprehensively for a moment, and then swallowed hard. "Perhaps we should save this conversation for another day."

Snape's eyes narrowed, and his voice took on a suspicious tone. "Is everything quite alright?"

"I don't- I don't know." Lily was becoming agitated, now, and stood to walk away from the table. "Listen- I don't want you to be angry-"

"And why would I be angry?" Snape asked dangerously. Lily's expression faltered, and she moved to face him.

"Severus," Lily said, kneeling down in front of him and taking his hands. "I want you to always know that I loved you, and never had any intention of hurting you. But a few weeks ago, I made a mistake, and now I have to pay for that."

"What are you—?"

"I... I've fallen in love with someone else," Lily said hurriedly, closing her eyes in attempt to stop the tears flowing from them. "I was with someone else..."

Silence followed this statement, but within the next sixty seconds, Snape seemed to have found his voice. "What?" he said, in a voice of deadly calm. "Who?"

"James," Lily replied in a near whisper, and suddenly it was as though the whole world had stopped around them.

"Potter?" Snape said venomously, after a long moment. "Potter? Of all the people, Lily- that- I WILL MURDER HIM!"

And he had flown from his seat, halfway to the door, when Lily cried out, "No, you can't! I-"

She had grabbed his arm mid stride, and his head had snapped back towards her; he was staring at her with a look of uncontrollable fury in his eyes, but she bravely grasped his other hand and pleaded, "Please, if you have ever had any love for me... just let me go quietly and leave James alone. I... I'm so sorry, but... I'm carrying his child."

"YOU WHA-"

"Please!" She cried hysterically. "Please, you have to know I am so sorry, and I love you-"

"You did love me, you mean, before you- you- you whore!"

Lily was sobbing now, sputtering nonsensically, looking for the right words to say- but Snape was unsympathetic. He grabbed her tightly by the shoulders and hissed into her face. "I will never forgive you for this. You areworse than dead to me. Get out of my house." And he shoved her roughly from him, causing her to stumble backwards. He was on her in an instant, grabbing her by the arm and wrenching her upwards, dragging her towards the door. She had stopped crying, now, and appeared wholly in shock.

"Severus, I-"

But there was nothing she could say to bring him back to his senses as he flung the door open and shoved her backwards through it. She fell, hard, on the cobblestone outside and stared up at him fearfully as she scrambled to her feet.

"Don't ever," he paused to regain control, but his pointing finger was still trembling when he continued his sentence. "-step foot into this home again. I trusted you, and you go running off with that arrogant prick, James Potter!" He paused, and surveyed her in disgust, lip curling unpleasantly. "You sicken me," He said, and then slammed the door.

Never before had Severus viewed this scene from Lily's perspective, but now he could see just how distraught she had been. As soon as the front door had closed, she began sobbing to the point of hyperventilation. She sank down on the front step, trying to calm herself, rocking back and forth until she had lulled into a silently stunned, though still tearful, state.

Soon, she rose gingerly and stepped off the porch. Severus followed her as she made her way down the street, and when she apparated at the corner, he was transported to the place which she'd headed to. He found himself outside James Potter's old home, and sneered when she started heading towards the door. Perhaps she was going back for sympathy. Or another romp in the hay with his old enemy…

He followed her up to the house, not sure he wanted to find out why she was there.

She shakily raised her small, pale hand, and knocked on the door. The door slowly opened, and James Potter stood, silhouetted against the yellow light shining from inside.

"Lily," He said, opening the door wider, and stepping outside. When he saw that she was crying, he took her into his arms and held her there. "What happened?"

"I've done something so-" she hiccuped, "stupid-"

"Come in, come in-" Potter said quickly, looking around and ushering her inside. Immediately inside the door, she sank onto the first step of his staircase, her head in her hands.

"What happened?

"I'm so sorry to have dragged you into this, James, but- I didn't know what to do, and you've always been such a good friend- you're the first person I thought of... but you're going to hate me."

"I could never hate you," said James, running a hand comfortingly over the back of her head and stroking her hair. "Just- calm down. Take a few deep breaths. There you go. Start from the beginning."

"It's Severus-"

"What did that bastard do to you?" James' tone had instantly changed, his face growing dark.

"It's not- well, he did... Oh, James, he took the Dark Mark!"

"Well I always-" James started to say, but Lily glared in his direction and he went silent.

"I don't understand- I knew he used to have connections with that crowd, but since we began dating... I thought he- well, it doesn't matter what i thought. The trouble is... and this is where you're going to hate me... I'm pregnant."

"Well, I don't like the idea of how you got there, but I certainly don't hate-"

"And I told him it was yours" Lily finished all on one rush. There was stunned silence. "I'm sorry, James, but it was the only thing I could think of that would ensure that he would want nothing to do with me- but even so, the way he reacted... he scared me, so much. He was violent- perhaps this was for the best, but I... I just don't know. I've hurt him so much." Her head was in her hands again.

"I can't bring my child into that," she mumbled miserably into her palms. "I can't put us both in danger. How could things go so wrong?" Her crying started again and James put his arms around her, shaking his head, unsure of what to say. His disgust for Snape was apparent, but he did not seem to want to upset Lily any further.

"He threw me out, James." She said quietly. "He literally picked me up and tossed me out of the house. He was so angry... I never thought he could be that way, not with me. He wanted to come after you- but I knew, if he thought you were father to my child, he would never..." She looked up at him sadly. "He can never know."

Across the room, Severus stood transfixed. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. All these years, he had thought she betrayed him, when in reality it was he that had betrayed her. And even more... did this mean he had a child? He counted backwards... this had been nearly seventeen years ago. The only child that could logically be his was… "Potter," He muttered darkly to himself.

But before he could even digest this information or view the conversation any further, he felt himself being lifted up- up, through the silver mist, back to solid ground, standing in the middle of the Headmaster's office, with Albus Dumbledore staring sadly into his face. Then, gently, "What did you see, Severus?"

Severus shook his head angrily. "I think you have a pretty good idea." Severus said softly, backing slowly away. "How long have you known this?"

"I suppose that depends on which event you are speaking of..." Dumbledore said, sitting behind his desk.

"Don't play games with me, Albus. I want to know- I want to know- if," Severus couldn't quite get the words out.

"If Harry is your son?" Dumbledore finished for him. Severus nodded. "No, Severus. He is not. That baby died before Lily had even reached second term. Harry was conceived by James."

Severus didn't know whether to be relieved or angry. That meant that his wife- no, she wasn't his wife. They'd signed the divorce papers a week after that had happened, and he never spoken to her again. Nonetheless, even after the fact, it meant that she had slept with his sworn enemy… the one non-evil person he hated almost as much as the Dark Lord.

"I am sorry to have kept this from you, but Lily begged me never to tell you what had happened." Dumbledore continued. "And I didn't want to cause you further pain…"

"Albus," said Severus slowly as he turned back to face the Headmaster, "Did I- the child, the miscarriage... was it because of me?"

Dumbledore didn't respond; he only looked down at his hands.

"Albus!" Severus exclaimed pressingly, and Dumbledore looked up at him with sad blue eyes.

"One can never know for certain why these things happen," Dumbledore replied solemnly. "But you were very rough with her that night…"

Stunned, Severus let his gaze drop to the floor. "I- I have to go, Albus. I'll return to give you my report when..." But he trailed off, unsure of what to say, and left the office in silence.

Conflicted, Albus Dumbledore watched as Severus Snape left his office and silently thanked Merlin that Severus hadn't gotten gone any further into the memory.

xxx End Chapter xxx


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