Where Once Was Light by Ivy-Green
Summary: Severus is found out as a spy among the Death Eaters and runs for his life. Along the way, he makes some shocking discoveries about Harry Potter.
Categories: Parental Snape Main Characters: .Snape and Harry (required), Draco, Dumbledore, Hermione, Lily, Original Character, Remus, Ron, Sirius
Snape Flavour: None
Genres: Action/Adventure, Drama
Media Type: None
Tags: Alternate Universe, Resorting, Slytherin!Harry, Snape-meets-Dursleys
Takes Place: 4th summer
Warnings: Abusive Dursleys, Alcohol Use, Profanity, Violence
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 43 Completed: No Word count: 174704 Read: 344371 Published: 23 Jul 2009 Updated: 04 Jan 2012
Chapter 25: Fall Out by Ivy-Green
Author's Notes:
Severus and Harry have a slight arguement and Severus is having second thoughts. Ron knows something is wrong.

1994

By the time Severus and Harry got back to the house, after following Mrs. Cadogan around all day, the two wizards were thoroughly tired out. For being an old woman, Mrs. Cadogan could certainly move! It was surprising that a woman her age could be that quick. It actually made Harry feel a bit ashamed of himself, having an old woman outlast him in stamina.

But as the two sat down, something came up into Harry’s mind as he watched Snape, his father, sit down heavily and open a book. “Um, sir?” he asked timidly.

Glancing up for his volume, the professor’s eyes bore into Harry’s once more, making that fourteen year old feel at a distinct disadvantage from the adult wizard. “Yes?” the Potions Master asked surprisingly patient.

“I was, you know, just wondering why on earth you told Mrs. Cadogan that my name was Peter.”

The sneer that came to Harry’s face looked so natural, so very Snape like, that Severus had a hard time stopping himself from rubbing his eyes to take a double take. The boy did take a striking resemblance to the Snapes, no doubt about that. Just looking at the face before him, one that Severus knew so well, and yet did not, he could not help but feel at the disadvantage. Harry’s new face always took his father’s breath away every time. Was that pride that Severus felt when he thought about having a child that looked so much like him?

But when the words of the actual question sunk in, the Potions Master frowned at the memory that was brought to mind.

Scowling and cursing under his breath, Severus went around the little cottage that he was looking to rent from the old Welsh woman that he and Lily had rented the house from for their honeymoon nearing fifteen years ago now. It was lucky for him that he had remember this place, and even more so that the old woman, Mrs. Cadogan, had actually remembered him. But the worry right now was not about the landlady, but rather looking around to see where he could set up the proper wards to protect the house once Harry arrived.

“Damit, Peter, after everything, you had to-”

“And who’s Peter then, love?”

Closing his eyes tightly, cursing himself for talking to himself with out actually checking to make sure that Mrs. Cadogan was not close enough to hear, Severus turned around to face his inquirer, his face and manner relaxed even though he certainly did not feel so calm. “My son,” he blurted out, not really thinking everything through much, just wanting to cover his mistake.

“Ah, the young man ran afoul with you then?” Mrs. Cadogan nodded knowingly. “Now don’t you be to hard on him, Mr. Brandon, you hear me? Young men always like to get into trouble now and then.”

Bowing his head slightly to the old Welsh woman, Severus pretended to take the advice to heart well. “I shall, Mrs. Cadogan,” his voice was silk, hoping that he could soothe the old woman enough that she’d leave him alone. “Thank you.”

“You seem a severe one, Mr. Brandon,” the old woman looked Snape up and down carefully. “I’m sure you could use your son around to lighten your mood.”

“Once again, thank you, Mrs. Cadogan, I shall conceder your advice,” he responded shortly.

Mrs. Cadogan huffed, shaking her head. “You’ve been around the English too much, Mr. Brandon,” she smiled. “For having a Welsh father, he must not have taught you how to be a good Welsh boy, or you’d not be so serious all the time.”

Memories of Tobias Snape popped up into Severus’s mind and he scowled. He could just see the drunken bastard that had spawned him in his mind. He could hear the rebukes, the ridicule, the lies; feel the beatings, the belt and the sharp slaps upside the head. “I’m certain he did not teach me right,” Severus said tightly.

Amazingly, Mrs. Cadogan seemed to understand that Severus was not, or had not been on good terms with his father, and let the matter drop. “Well then, I look forward to meeting young, Peter is it? When does he arrive?”

“Tonight,” Severus responded automatically. “Late tonight.”

“Well, then I’ll let you get things ready for your son’s arrive,” the old woman smiled kindly. “I’m sure you’re anxious to see him again.”

As he watched the old woman go, Severus was left with his troubling thoughts of his past, and the possible future disasters to come. “Peter,” he snorted once alone. “What a name.”

After several minutes or silence, Harry was certain that his father was not going to answer him, when the Potions Master suddenly spoke up. “Some things just needed to be covered up.”

Not really understanding what the elder wizard meant, Harry frowned again. Why couldn’t the master wizard just give simple answers? It was like he enjoyed confusing not just his students, but everyone around him. Maybe that’s why Dumbledore liked the Potions Master so much, because they were both secretive and never gave it to you straight. It was a theory anyway. How else could the two of them lived with the other after all these years?

“Couldn’t I change it to something else?” Harry asked.

Setting his book aside, Severus stared down into the face of his distressed offspring. “You want to suddenly change your name?” he looked disapprovingly at the boy.

“Why not?” the young wizard asked. “I’ve already had to change my entire name once this summer. And I don’t want to be known as Peter.”

Scowling at the bitterness behind the declaration, Severus found himself becoming less and less patient with the boy. After finding out that Harry was his son several days ago, it was like the wizard’s temper had been suspended, forgotten, used only against the others around he and the boy. But now that he was alone with Harry, Severus was coming out of his surprise and his worry and his anger was, unfortunately, coming back to re-realize all of the boy‘s flaws and imperfections that he had so loathed when at school again. Being a smart mouth came to mind.

“Harry, you don’t understand,” the professor said sternly. “The name Peter is what Mrs. Cadogan knows, and she’ll suspect something’s amiss if you change it suddenly. Anyway, she‘s introduced you as Peter all around town.”

“And giving the name Christopher Brandon is any better?” Harry snapped. “Isn’t that the name of a book character?”

That is not the point,” Severus growled. “That name was given many years ago.”

Not understanding, the younger wizard continued to glare at his father. “It’s not anything big,” Harry tried to reason. “I just don’t want to be known as Peter.”

“Then tell them to call you Pete, or some other nickname,” the Potions Master went back to reading his book.

How could that man be so infuriating? It was like Snape could just turn off his compassion and his reasonable demeanor whenever he pleased. He was so closed minded and could be so infuriatingly calm when it served his purpose. Harry found himself becoming increasingly angry with the professor.

“I don’t want to be known as Peter or anything else relating to Peter,” Harry growled right back. “I want a new name.”

Harry jumped when the older wizard suddenly snapped his book closed. The elder wizard turned burning eyes upon his son, and the young wizard realized that he had perhaps had gone too far. “What you want?” Snape hissed. Harry’s blood ran cold. “Everything I’ve done this summer was to accommodate you, you ungrateful brat! All anyone’s ever done was try to protect and help you, and you don’t even notice! Can’t you suffer through one insignificant drawback? Or do you have to always have everything your way, Potter?”

The two wizards sat facing each other, resentment on both sides radiating through the air. Two stubborn wills came clashing together, when at last, Harry had to look away. He never could keep Snape’s eye like that. Those eyes were just so hard and so very cold. It was like falling into a black, endless pit, waiting with dread for a pendulum to come and slice you in half.

Standing up, fighting back the tears that so ridiculously sprung into his eyes, Harry walked away, turning his back on his father. If Snape had a problem with that, then that wasn’t his problem anymore. Why the hell did he care what that greasy git thought anyway? The man really had no feelings at all. If that old bat wanted to call him names, well then, that wasn’t Harry’s problem, he had endured similar taunts before from the Potions Master. What made this time any different? Snape was just… he was…

…his father…

*******

There was a moment, when the boy’s back was turned to him, that Severus thought he was going to completely lose himself. How dare that child be so ungratefully, turning his back to Severus like that! Didn’t the brat realize everything Severus had done for him? How Severus risked everything to keep the boy safe? To make sure that Harry was comfortable, to make sure that he had a place to stay, to keep him away from abusive relative? Damnit, didn’t the boy realize that everyone cared about him?

In fury, Severus stood up, intent on grabbing the unappreciative child’s shoulder, spinning him around and demand that they came to an understanding over this; which meant that Harry would have to accept his new “name” and get on with life. It really wasn’t all that bad. The boy was so dramatic!

But just as the Potions Master was starting to stalk towards his wayward son, he heard a very soft, but very distinct sound. With that one little noise, Severus froze, startled by not only the noise itself, but his response to it. It had been a sob; Harry was crying… and Severus cared.

Taken aback, the professor simply stood stunned for a few moments before he felt something trickle through him, slowly at first, something icy, something fridge, before it completely flooded into his heart, weighing it down until it was almost unbearable. Oh yes, Severus knew this feeling, he knew it so well, he had felt it many times before, but that fact did not lessen the distressed he felt for it now. Regret was a terribly powerful thing; Severus’s constant companion. And now it extended itself on to his son.

When he heard the door to Harry’s bedroom slam shut, it was then that the trance was broken, and Severus could breathe again. But why should he feel so badly? He had only spoken the truth, and he had not said anything that did not need to be said…right? Tiredly, the new father went and sat back down in his chair, wondering what had gone wrong.

For over an hour Severus mulled over the conversation, the quick, seemingly meaningless conversation that had left his son in such a dreadful state. The more he thought through Harry’s words and his own, the more he came to hate himself for them. Why had he been so short with the child? Harry was only fourteen years old! And he went and growled at the child and even called him brat. Merlin, he even called him Potter. What kind of father degraded his son like that? But then again, Severus had never had a good example. No, no that was no excuse for treating Harry so ill.

Sighing, running his hands through his hair, Severus stared down at the floor. He was not good at this. How could anyone be a father? Especially to a child with a past such as Harry’s? Merlin, his own childhood could not be counted on to drawl out any useful information, he had had it just as bad as his son… A son that he should have known about and protected.

“I’m sorry, Lily,” the professor whispered miserably. Why couldn’t Lily have lived and he have died? She would have been able to take care of their son so much better than him. Merlin, before just a few days ago, he had hated his son, had disliked all children really. And now he was suddenly thrown a child and bound to care for it? What was the world coming to? He should not be left with a child.

The Weasleys sprung back up into Severus’s mind again. Now they knew how to care and nurture children, if not spoil them slightly, at least where affection is concerned. They would know how to care for Harry. The boy should have gone to stay with them instead. Severus just could not handle children for more than a few hours at a time. Lily would have been able to care for her son, been able to love their child the way Harry needed to be loved. Lily would have been better than the Weasleys.

Staring at the flames in the fireplace, Severus decided that neither time nor chance had been kind to him. He had not the talent for communicating easily with others. Sure, he could talk to just about anyone intellectually for hours, if need be, as long as the discussion remained professional and impersonal. What the wizard could not do was discuss matters on a personal level. No one knew his full history, and quite frankly, that was the way Severus wanted it. He did not want everyone knowing just how poor he had been, just how abused, just how lonely. No one needed to know what he thought all the time, nor how he went about doing his work. It was all his own business.

The only other person that Severus had been able to confide in other than himself had been Lily. There was nothing that he could not tell her. She was so understanding, so generous in her affection. When he had cried, she had cried; when he had been sad, she had been sad; when he had been happy, she had been happy. Only in Lily had Severus truly felt human.

Now, the wizard felt cold and empty. The night Lily died had been the night when Severus had lost his last link to humanity. Lily had helped him feel, even when he had thought she had betrayed him. At least he had felt something. When she died, Severus had felt as though he had become completely detached from the world. From that day on, he had not shown empathy, understanding, compassion, nothing for others. All he had showed was anger, bitterness, apathy, and disgust. Even if he had felt something, a small amount of human emotion, he pushed it aside, not wanting to be hurt again, until it all became second nature, and the wizard could simply not understand his own emotions anymore; he who boasted a thorough understanding of himself, he who was in constant control of himself.

And it only took a pair of green eyes to undo him again. Meeting Harry, seeing him the first time at Hogwarts had been torture. Seeing the eyes he had loved so well in the face of his enemy had been hell. Seeing the child that he should have had was the worst kind of agony. And watching, realizing that his child was the copy of his rival, while still retaining those emerald, perfect, eyes that shown with such innocence was not to be borne. That was when Severus had begun to feel something again; he had been reintroduced to hatred, his old companion that he had left dormant for years, just waiting to be released.

But now it was all irrelevant. Harry was not the son of his rival, Harry was his son. The green eyes that he had loved so well, he could suddenly love again. The rush was intoxicating… it was suffocating. The entire prospect was terrifying. All the walls and barriers Severus had built up to surround Harry, to keep the child away from him, so that he could better hate the boy, were all for not. The boy was not the enemy anymore, his enemy was a part of himself.

The initial realization had been stunning, had been odd. It had left Severus feeling both overjoyed and confused, angry and delighted. But now that the charm, the utter fantasy aspect was gone, what was left was the wreckage of Severus’s barriers, all of his carefully built up walls. He did not know how he should feel, how he should act. He had been glad of Mrs. Cadogan as the day had gone on today, that she had been the one to talk and interact with Harry. He was not good with children. He knew how to make them behave, how to make them listen without really trying, how to intimidate them, but to get down to their level, to be on a personal basis with them was something completely different. He had not even been good at it when he had been a child. Being left alone with Harry for more than a few hours actually scared the hell out of the Potions Master.

And to suddenly see more of Lily’s traits in her son, and his own traits as well, was not only breath taking, it was frightening. Showing Harry what he really looked like had been wonderful, had made Severus, dare he say it, feel proud, proud that he had a son. But he was now worried that his pleasure in all of this was stemming from getting back at James Potter. What if he turned into his father? Tobias had been, to a certain degree, proud that he had had a son, but it was for vain pride only. Tobias had not cared about anything else Severus had to offer, just that he had a son. Severus did not want to be like his father. The mere thought disgusted him to the core.

But, looking back to the present situation, Severus could not help but dread that he was becoming his father. He enjoyed intimidating students, he got pleasure from barking at them, keeping them quiet. He despised any noise children made, unless it meant that they were being productive. Despite his earlier vow of never harming a child, was the vow Severus clung to merely becoming a shield to hide behind the fact that he really did, in fact, want to make them miserable? There were other ways in hurting someone other than just physical. He knew that, perhaps better than most.

Watching Harry, so hurt, tears in his eyes, the eyes of Lily, hurt the wizard more than he thought possible. Once Severus had calmed, the situation became clear, all the vales had been torn away. While Harry had a stunning resemblance to him, the boy was emotionally more like his mother. Lily had always been sensitive to peoples words, at least the words of those she cared for. That was why she and Severus had had such a falling out. No doubt Harry was the same.

But why? Severus had never made an effort to keep his dislike of Harry a secret in school. On the contrary, he had been pleased to show his loathing of the boy to everyone, especially to Harry. And it came as no surprise that Harry had not liked him either. So why then did the boy cry at a few harsh words from Severus?

Because he cares about you.

The thought was so foreign it took the wizard a moment to grasp the intensity of its meaning. Why would Harry care about him, the feared and hated Potions Master? Why would the boy suddenly throw caution to the wind and begin creating an attachment to Severus? Where was the logic in that?

Harry was so much like Lily, in so many ways. Severus fervently prayed that he would not destroy that innocents.

*******

That day, when Mr. and Mrs. Weasley returned, the children all knew something was wrong. Mrs. Weasley looked absolutely terrible. Her eyes were red rimmed and she had tears in her eyes. Both adults were white as ghosts too.

“Mum, dad, what’s wrong?” Ginny asked the moment she caught sight of her parents.

Molly began to cry again, leaving the room hastily. It was Arthur that was forced to deal with his five children who were watching him anxiously. “I…” he trailed off, taking a moment to collect himself. “I’ll tell you soon,” he stared at his children for another moment. “I promise. Right now, I’d appreciate it if you’d all go do your chores and be nice to your mother today. We’ve…we’ve had a very hard meeting this morning.”

“What’s-”

“-happened, dad?” the twins asked.

“Do not pester your mother,” Arthur looked uncharacteristically stern at his children. “I mean it. Don’t ask her about it, we’ll tell you soon.”

When all the children promised that they would behave, Arthur seemed pleased and grabbed all of his things for work. The Weasley children watched silently, wondering what had happened to cause their parents to be in such a state.

“Ron?” Arthur turned around in the doorway. “Write to Hermione. I think she needs to come for a visit. Tell her I’ll come and get her in a day or two. Whichever is convenient for her.”

Nodding, Ron watched his father go, wondering what on earth could be so wrong to make both his parents act like this. It was as though someone had died. Had someone died? He hoped not, but who could it be to make his parents look so miserable? They had gone to one of their “meetings” with Dumbledore. They never told him or his siblings what went on in the meets or what the meetings were really about, but he’d wager they were pretty important to get his mother out of the house for so long and for his father to risk being late for work.

Walking back into his room that morning, Ron decided that he should do as his father said and write to Hermione. He’d also write to Harry, just to inform his friend that something was up. It was another mystery, Ron was sure of it. He knew that he would need Harry and Hermione here with him to solve it. Besides, if things went right, he could also tell them about the big quidditch game coming up and how his dad was going to try and swing some tickets.

That morning, the youngest Weasley boy sent out two owls. He never imagined that one would come back with its letter undelivered.

To be continued...
End Notes:
Yay! Sorry everyone that's been waiting around for this new chapter. I've been having an awful time with computers lately. So I have to dedicate this to my boyfriend who let me borrow his computer! ^-^ Thanks Ryan!!

So, please, please review and let me know what you think so far. Reviews would make me happy. And I REALLY need some happy words because some professors are meaner than others here. *Boo!* And if you review, I'll give you some Smilies! (those are little fruity, chewie gummy candies) Yay smilies! XD


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