This routine is practiced.
He remembers being afraid his first year.
Sweaty hands fumbling with the money Severus
tucked into his palm.
It was an abnormally warm September.
Are you sure you can’t ride with me, Severus?
It was always Severus when he was scared.
Like dad was a privilege made for
more deserving boys.
Harry asks and it's a question and a prayer
that Severus declines to answer-
though not for lack of trying.
It was alright though.
That year he met
Hermione whose bookish quiet
made him feel at home.
Severus walked
Harry to the door and
pulled him in for a long hug.
He feels embarrassed now,
thinking about how his eyes watered
and meagre coins slipped out of
his fist as he held Severus tight.
How Severus bent down,
retrieved it,
tied his shoe.
As the train pulled away Severus stood
and watched until Harry disappeared from
view.
His second year was easier.
Money, crisps, and an egg butty in a plastic bag.
A hug goodbye.
A last look that disappeared in
the train’s smoke.
This year, after Severus
wrestles with his trunk
and hands him a Galleon
and a plastic bag pack lunch,
and reminds him to
find Remus on the train
Harry is aware of
Ron and Seamus and Dean
saying goodbye to their families
nearby. This year,
when Severus goes to
hug him he pulls away.
Instead of looking at Severus he
eyes the boys.
Making sure no one saw.
His hot face spots
Hermione waving and starts to
head towards her. Severus reaches
out
and smooths
Harry’s hair
as he turns to walk away.
He ducks away again with a whispered
Stop, dad!
And Severus lowers his hand.
Okay. Okay, I’m sorry.
Harry walks away.
On his way to Hermione,
Seamus Finnegan,
who stands with Ron and Dean,
waves to Harry.
Hey! Cool shoes, Harry!
Oh, um thanks.
Seamus turns then, excitedly talking
to Ron and Dean.
Harry stands quietly and listens
laughing at the jokes he doesn’t understand
as a conversation he is a spectator in
plays out in front of him.
He pointedly doesn’t look back at Severus.
Later,
on the train,
he can't help but look back at Severus.
These days he feels confused more often than not-
big emotions he has no idea what to do with.
Something loosens in his chest
as he raises a hand to wave
and Severus answers it.
A sentinel stood watching
until Harry disappears from his view.
Remus Lupin existed in the margins of his life.
The troubled friend of his fathers that began popping in for occasional birthdays and holidays when he turned nine.
The version of Remus Lupin that sits in front of him in the classroom now feels different from that man somehow. More confident? Harry isn’t sure he knows.
It's the first week of term and Remus has invited Harry for tea.
Harry likes the way the other kids regard him when he tells them this.
Remus is popular, cool, and that seems to make Harry cool too.
When he looks back on this evening now, Harry can remember the smell of books and the breeze from the open window that made him feel like he was being pulled backwards through time. Of course, Remus had told him about the Marauders before, but for some reason the idea of it- the idea of them suddenly seemed so brilliant.
He was insatiable - was James tall?
Yes,
Was he strong and did he have muscles?
Well he liked to think he was…well no I suppose he was quite strong. He was always out flying or jogging.
Was he popular with girls?
Most definitely, it drove your mum mad.
Did he have a lot of friends? He was really charming; definitely the most popular in our year.
That evening when Ron Weasley and
his friends asked Harry
invited Harry to play Exploding Snap he
comes along.
When the first explosion singes off his eyebrows
he barely feels it over the cheers
of the boys in the common room.
He feels like a massive nob
reading in the library
while everyone is in town.
He received the permission slip by owl post this summer.
It is addressed to him.
Grabbing the first pen he could find
he signed it and
brought it to Severus
who took one look
and said
No.
What? Why not!?
Don’t shout at me, Harry.
Well why can’t I go!?
But Severus doesn’t keep things from him,
And Harry isn’t stupid.
He knows why he can’t go.
But he’s tired of his life being dictated
by people who are not him.
So he pushes
when he knows
he should back off.
You know what, whatever, I’ll just get Remus to sign it.
HEY!
And from there it escalates.
Voices continue to rise. Doors are slammed.
Neither win.
Harry gets grounded.
He still doesn’t go to Hogsmeade.
When Vernon Dursley came stalking
towards him
hand swinging back
like his fifth birthday when
he earned his blacked eye
from his hands caught deep in
his cousins stash of candy
Harry didn’t know what to do.
He just watched his
Uncle’s hand
come rushing toward
him, until Remus banishes him-
the boggart with a word.
Harry is thirteen and he wonders
if he will ever feel brave.
When Harry met Sirius in his dad’s office
he wondered what it must be like
to have others envy you.
Sirius Black was apprehended
one week before Christmas.
He suspects Severus had something to do with it.
And then, inexplicably, he was cleared of all charges
not soon after.
He knows Severus had something to do with that.
He saw Lupin and Severus
in his office at Christmas
talking through the floo
to someone at the ministry.
Scabbers, well- Peter, escaped sometime before
Ron came back from Christmas.
Severus is nervous about this development.
Harry
is nervous that
telling Ron about Scabbers/Peter
will make him
not want to be Harry’s
friend anymore.
When Harry met Sirius in his dad’s office,
Sirius was funny and charming
and everything he imagines
his father to be.
When Sirius accidentally
calls him
James,
Harry preens.
Shortly after the start of the new year,
he sends Harry
a brand new broom,
a Firebolt.
Harry doesn’t know a lot about Quidditch,
but he knows something expensive,
something desirable,
when he sees it.
All the boys in his year gather around.
And when they take it out to the pitch,
they all shove and cheer
when he takes off.
He joins the quidditch team at the start of next year.