August 1, 1980

I am completely silent as I walk down the white corridors of Saint Mungos. According to the clock I passed, it is nearly two in the morning.

I'm not tired though.

Many of the lights have been dimmed, as the hustle and bustle from earlier died away with the setting of the sun. A harsh chemical smell is caught in my nose, suggesting just how immaculately clean the hallway is. I hear the steady click of shoes on the tile floor coming from a distance, growing louder with each step.

Finally, a nurse in green scrubs and hospital robes walks around the corner, levitating an assortment of empty potion vials behind her. Her eyes do not stray my way even once as she passes me and continues down the dim hallway. This is not surprising though, since I'm currently Disillusioned.

When I can't hear her any longer, I continue my trek down the hall, sneaking through a set of double doors as inconspicuously as possible. A large sign announces to me that I'm in the ‘Neonatal Care Unit.'

I'm one door away from having my life change forever.

I can feel my hands and knees shaking with nervousness as I approach the glass door. I have been waiting for this moment since 7:58 p.m. when Lily brought him into this world-I know because I watched it all while Disillusioned and from a safe distance, of course. The wet ball of life that had come out of her was my son.

I'm a father.

The idea of this scares me immensely, as I have no idea how to be a good father. My father certainly didn't set an example I could follow and I have no other family members to give me advice. I suppose I could ask Dumbledore, but I doubt my pride would ever sink low enough to let me talk about something so personal with the man who is controlling my life.

What if I do something wrong? What if he grows up and hates me, just like I hated Tobias? I'm certainly not known for my kindness and compassion, after all. What if I can't figure out how to let the boy know I care?

My stomach starts to feel queasy, so I quickly down one of the calming draughts I stowed in my pocket earlier. Feeling a bit better afterwards, I set about breaking through the locks and wards on the door to Neonatal Care.

It only takes me ten minutes to break in. I am very disturbed at how easy it is to access the children. Clearly, this is not a very safe place for Harry to be without someone watching him!

I crack the door open and survey the scene in front of me. The white, sterile room is half-lit with a soft blue light and filled with floating bassinets, a few rocking gently back and forth. There's a magical harp in the corner that is charmed to play a soft lullaby all on its own. A few magical fireflies skirt around the ceiling, smearing the dimmed area with soft violet flecks of light.

I'm in luck-the on-duty nurse is facing away from me as she tries to calm a crying infant within a Silencing Bubble. I use this opportunity to sneak in and quickly shut the door after silencing it.

Slowly, I walk down a row of infants, looking at the name labels, carefully searching for...oh, look. Frank Longbottom's wife must have given birth today too. It's ironic how that worked out...

I don't pause long to look at the new Longbottom child, as I'm nervous enough about seeing my own. I start down the next row, feeling more jittery than I ever have before when a label catches my eye.

Harry James Potter.

My hands reach the cradle first and I touch both sides of it before looking inside. A little boy wrapped in a blue blanket with a soft-looking blue hat is lying there, asleep.

Words cannot describe the emotions that pass through my head; fear mixes with love and folly with glee. It's only the second time I've seen him, and the first time up close.

I already want to know him.

I already love him.

I want to be a good dad.

If only I knew how to do that...

Tentatively, I reach a hand into the cradle and touch his red cheek as gently as I can. His skin is the softest I've ever felt. My calloused finger then proceeds to touch his nose. It looks a bit squashed on his hairless head, but I heard Mediwizard Melville tell Lily that it was normal and would right itself within a week or so.

He's perfect.

I can think of little else as I stand there, watching him throughout the night.

OOOOOOO

May 26, 1997

Oh Merlin... Merlin...

I don't know what to do!

He's gone...

Dear Merlin, he's gone!

He's gone...and it's all my fault.

I fall to my knees in my entryway. Tears pour down my face and I violently choke on the very air I am trying to breathe as my memories of tonight's incident play through my head again.

Avada Kedavra.

I said it.

I killed him.

Oh Merlin, I killed him.

My son knows.

He screamed at me and cast curses at me with a violence that I didn't know he possessed, all in honor of Dumbledore. He doesn't understand what happened, why it needed to happen, or how much it broke me up inside to do it.

Merlin, I don't know what to do... I don't know what to do.

OOOOOOO

December 2, 1979

I stir the Paternity Test Potion in front of me gently, being very careful not to over stir or allow it to scorch. It will be ready in time for Lily to take over to James' home tomorrow morning when she brings him his yearly batch of sugar cookies.

For days on end, I have studied this potion and made the appropriate changes to it so it will suit our needs. I am fully confident in Lily's capabilities as well-she will get him to use the potion with ease. The plan should go off without a hitch.

Whether or not this is a good thing is what I have yet to decide.

OOOOOOO

August 20, 1981

The sound of my wailing child greets me when I enter my rooms at Hogwarts. Immediately, I drop all of my belongings on the kitchen table and scoop the screaming child up from his playpen and into my arms. The boy's arms immediately latch tightly around my neck, one of his hands grasping a clump of my hair. His tears and snot run down my neck as I pace around holding the boy, rubbing his back and whispering quiet words of comfort.

Slowly, Harry's crying reduces to sobs and then to tiny whimpers as I hold him against me. Ten minutes later he's asleep in my arms. I silently ascend the stairway and put him down in his crib, carefully placing a blanket over him to keep him warm. I lean down and kiss little Harry's forehead, wishing that I could undo this last misdemeanor.

I know whose fault this is.

I approach our bedroom door, seeing red. I stand there for a while and try to rid myself of some anger before approaching her; I've known for a while now just how messed up she is, but this really takes the cake, even for her.

Quickly, I enter the room and then cast a silencing spell inside it-young Harry has already had a bad enough disturbance today; he does not need hear his parents yell at each other.

I find Lily lying on the bed with tears in her eyes. Upon seeing the look on my face, she gets up and looks defensively at me, as if ready for the speech I haven't given yet.

I narrow my eyes at her. "I think we both know what I'm about to say, so I'll just cut to the chase-why, Lily? Why would you leave him like-"

"That's just like you Severus-go on, accuse me of the crime without ever bothering to hear my side of the story!"

My sarcastic side decides to make an appearance. "Oh, by all means, do enlighten me as to what is more important than taking care of our toddler son?"

She puts one of her hands over her face. "You wouldn't understand, Severus-"

"I just told you to enlighten me, for fuck's sake! If you'd tell me what was wrong, maybe I could do something about it!" I yell indignantly. I am so sick of her always dancing around explanations and acting like the victim!

"You can't though! You're too busy working! I want to work! I want my old job back! Guess what, I can't have it! I have to stay at home and watch that Merlin forsaken brat all the time! I can't stand it!"

She's got a crazy look in her eyes that I find slightly disturbing. I gently take her by the shoulders. "Lily, we'll find someone else to watch him for a while each day-"

Lily jerks away from me. "Who, Sev? Who? You won't let him stay with James-"

"Because James is always drunk! Who knows how much neglect the boy would go through when he passes out in the middle of the day!"

Merlin only knows how much neglect has been going on in this house, right under my nose. I do need to find someone else to watch Harry because I don't want to come home to him crying like that again.

"Poppy. Poppy loves babies; I'm sure she would be more than happy to watch him if I asked," I say, more to myself than to Lily.

I look up to see Lily's reaction; she seems to have calmed down a bit, so I go ahead and ask what is on my mind. "What is it you plan on doing with your free time, Lily?"

"Order work. I need to do something useful, Severus. You've known that for a while now."

"But Lily, you are doing something useful! You are protecting our little boy from the Dark Lord. What could be more important than that?"

She looks at me like I'm dumb. I mean it though-I really do. He's after poor Harry, after all! The boy needs protected!

"Well, he wouldn't need protecting if someone hadn't spewed off the prophecy to the Dark Lord like a good little lapdog, now would he?"

I flinch. Really, I should have known that was coming. Lily has fought dirty her entire life.

"I didn't know you were pregnant when that happened-"

"Get out-I don't want to hear it. Get out!"

I almost demand to stay. Almost...but then the guilt pours in. I start to drown in. It is my fault. I can never stop blaming myself for being the cause of something so terrible.

I exit the room a broken man.

OOOOOOO

June 1, 1996

Sitting down at my desk once more, I cannot help but feel guilty about the owl I had cursed a mere minute ago. After all, the bird had no choice but to follow the directions of its owner.

Mortimer Greenwell was still overstepping his bounds though and I had to do something about it. He's not going to win this war; not in a million years.

OOOOOOO

February 18, 1998

"Sev," she whispers as I feel the bed bend underneath her weight. I say nothing while I listen to the rustling of the covers in our bed. Her body scoots close to mine, but I scoot away, not wanting to deal with this again. I'm determined to hold my ground when it comes to this, even if it takes years.

"Sev, don't be like this," she says, her voice laced with sadness. "Please."

"No Lily...not until you hand it over to me. You need to stop," I mutter, half asleep.

She is silent for a minute before murmuring, "I miss you, Sev."

"I'm sure you do..." I whisper back bitterly. After our fight in January, Lily has been coming home much more often, despite the fact that I will not let her close to me; I'm no longer willing to deal with her until she's ready to make some changes.

The bed starts to shake a bit and I can hear her nearly silenced sobs behind me. It takes her a long time to regain control of herself and it takes me over an hour to fall asleep afterwards.

OOOOOOO

June 6, 1996

Unceremoniously, the Floo spits me out at Grimmauld Place. Lupin is in the darkened room upon my arrival and looks up at me blankly as I dust myself off. He stands up and looks at me sadly.

"Severus," he says softly, "what brings you here tonight?"

Does he expect pity from me? I certainly hope not because I don't have any for him. I don't feel any remorse about the death of the bloody mutt either; the man's own recklessness got him killed and I certainly won't miss him. There is one person in this house, however, that I have come to see-someone who needs me.

I hold up a handful of corked vials. "The Headmaster requested I bring these to his Golden Boy; heaven forbid he have to suffer through a hard time like the rest of us," I reply, doing my best to convey my normal, conniving self.

It works-Lupin is on his feet in a matter of seconds and looks close to becoming feral. "Sirius was the closest thing that boy has ever had to a father; I'm sorry you can't understand that Severus, but he is terrible shape tonight and he's blaming himself-"

"As he should," I interject with a louder voice. "If he hadn't dropped everything and went to the Ministry on a whim-"

"Stop it, just stop it! I'm not going to fight with you tonight," Lupin says, looking ten years older than he actually is. "Give me the potions and I'll bring them up to him."

"I don't think so, Wolf. I can't even trust you to take your own potion on time. I will make sure the boy imbibes exactly what he needs."

Lupin truly must not want to fight with me because he lets me pass without another word. Before I get ready to ascend the stairway, I turn back and look at him again. Already, he's sitting in the shadows, stiff and lifeless like a board.

Good riddance.

Silently, I creep up the stairs and peek in several rooms before I find my son. He's lying in a curled up position on the bed, facing away from me. I quietly enter, closing the door behind me and walking towards him cautiously in the darkness.

Silently, I sit down on the bed beside him, only to feel the mattress gently jerking beneath me as he cries soundlessly.

He's still awake.

Before I have time to panic, the boy chokes out, "I c-can't believe he's gone, Remus... Why's he gone..."

His voice is unnaturally high. I silently reach out and stroke his hair; it's the most I can do without giving away the fact that I'm not his ‘precious wolf.' As it is, I'm already pushing it. If he wasn't so distraught, he would surely notice that my hand is much longer and thinner than Lupin's.

I can't just leave him there without doing anything though. My son needs me, and so I stay until he cries himself to sleep. He never once guesses who is really beside him.

OOOOOOO

December 3, 1979

"Severus," Lily hisses at me, sneaking a peek in my direction. "Stop it! You're leaving extra footprints!"

I look down and find that she's right. Shit.

A flick of her wand fixes the snow on the porch so that it looks like I never paced up and down the veranda. Then, after pocketing her wand, she bangs on Potter's front door rather violently.

"James, you had better open this door right now!" she yells at the old mansion.

A flicker of fear dashes through my mind as I hear slow steps approach the door from inside. The door opens silently.

"Aw..." he says, turning his eyes away from the dull winter morning, "...bright. Lily, is that you?"

"Yes, can I come in? There's something I really need to talk to you about."

She sounds as nervous as I feel and with good reason: if he doesn't buy this, I don't know what we're going to do. Luckily, he appears to be drunk as he walks curving from side to side down the hallway and into the parlor. That should make everything easier.

I follow Lily silently and watch as she sits down in a chair opposite him. She places a plate of Christmas cookies in front of him; the same ones she brings him every year. James stares at them blankly, then grabs a bottle off the coffee table instead and tries to take a swig. It takes him three tries to find one that actually contains liquid.

I watch Lily as she takes in the scene. She looks like she's on the verge of tears.

"James," she finally says softly. "You need help."

Immediately, his emotionless face gives way to anger. "Bloody fucking hell! Why's everyone keep saying that? Sirius...an Remus...an Sirius... He won't buy me drinks anymore! Won't fucking take me out-WHY?!"

My wand is instantly in my hand and Lily's rescue is only a flick away. Disillusioned or not, I'll kill that bastard if he lays a hand on her!

His anger is short-lived though, as he gives into despair. "I don' understand why they think I have a problem..." he says in a high-pitched voice. His eyes are glistening with unshed tears.

Oh, how the tables have turned, Potter! I cannot help but smirk at his folly. After all that happened at school, I came out on top!

"Look at me..." Lily says, obviously feeling more pity for his situation than I. "James, it's ten a.m. and you're getting drunk by yourself. You look like you haven't eaten a good meal in weeks either. Don't you look at me like that, James Potter! People only mention it to you because they're concerned!"

James looks angry, but he doesn't say anything. Lily looks at him with sympathy and walks over to the couch he's on. Silently, she sits down beside him and takes his hands in her own.

"This isn't what I needed to talk to you about, James. Do you...do you remember when we met out at that bender last Halloween?"

He looks blankly at Lily and it takes him so long to answer, that I'm sure he's lying.

"Yes...a bit, anyway."

"Remember when we went back behind the bar to Apparate...but we were too drunk?"

"Uh...vaguely?" he said, sounding confused about where all of this was headed.

"Well, to make a long story short, you banged me up against the building that night and now...now I'm pregnant," she says, ending softly.

It took a while for it to sink in, but when James finally realized what he'd just been told, it was obvious. The look of utter shock on his face gave him away.

"You mean...I...you... You got up the duff?"

Lily nods and looks nervous. I would too if I were sitting by an unstable drunk.

"Bloody hell..." he mutters, lowering his head into his hand. "I'm too young for kids."

Lily waits silently, not knowing where this is heading.

"Damn it all, I suppose you think I should marry you now, don't you? You think I'll give in and make this into some sort of happy family?"

"I never said that."

"Good, ‘cause any emotion I ever felt for you ended when I caught you and Snivelly shagging! You had your chance with me, Lily, but now it's gone! I don' want you any more!"

"Look-"

"No, you look! How do I even know it's mine?! You certainly get around a lot, Lily! If you'd stop whoring yourself to men maybe you wouldn't ha-"

Lily smacks him. Hard.

"How dare you! It takes two to tango and this is just as much your fault as it is mine!"

"And what makes you think I'm the father? Maybe it's the fact that I have money and could afford to support your son since you'll soon be out of a job!"

Lily rolls her eyes. "At the rate you're drinking and spending Galleons, I doubt your fortune will last more than ten years. Oh, and I know you're the father because I haven't fucked anyone else for the last three months!"

"Prove it!" he yells.

"Fine!" she snaps back, pulling the potion out of her pocket. "Let's do this; right here, right now! Where's your loo?"

James leads the way angrily, followed by Lily and myself. I give Lily's shoulder a squeeze while his back is turned; I feel terrible that she has to put up with him.

A moment later, Lily has locked the door to the bathroom. James and I wait outside the door, so close that we can hear her taking a piss in the potion. He looks nervous.

I put my hands in my pockets to keep from hexing him.

Before I give into my urge, Lily opens the bathroom door and beckons James over to her. "You have to drop some blood in the-"

"I know," James grumbles.

"Oh, do you? Have you had this happen to you before?" Lily asks incredulously.

I find myself rather impressed with her acting.

James looks annoyed, but thankfully not violent. A moment later, he opens one of the bathroom drawers, pulls out a straight razor, and puts a gash in his finger.

A much deeper gash than necessary.

"Fuck," he gasps as his blood gushes out. Lily takes advantage of his gouge and holds the vial underneath the flow.

Suddenly, the awkwardness of the situation vanishes. James releases his finger and stares at the vial in silence. The liquid turns blue, just like I planned it would...

...and James' part in our scheme is sealed.

OOOOOOO

April 19, 1996

"Two hundred bezoars?" I roar as I stare at the package in front of me. "What bloody tosser filled this order?!"

Nobody would ever order that many bezoars for a school! For fuck's sake, bezoars are expensive and I am footing this tab! I only ordered five for the up and coming year! Only five!

"Fucking hell..." I grumble as I turn to my desk and write a nasty letter back to my potion supplies provider. I snarl as my pen scrawls angry words and I nearly mutilate the paper with my fury.

I turn around to send the note and the package back, only to find that my two hundred bezoars are gone.

OOOOOOO

May 29, 1995

I throw down my fork angrily as our conversation heads down the same path it always does-to an argument.

"Why don't you ever ask about Harry when you're home?"

I'm at wit's end now, as Lily has skirted around all of my questions tonight. She hasn't been home in over three months and she refuses to say anything about it, nor does she seem to care about anything that is going on in her real time; it's literally driven me mad!

"What are you talking about, Severus? Of course I ask about-"

I snort with sarcastic amusement, before interrupting her. "When have you ever asked about our son? When have you ever asked about me? Don't you care what goes on here?!"

She rolls her eyes. "You wouldn't understand..."

"Tell me then!" I shout. "Tell me so I understand what is so much more important than your family!"

"You are important! When I go back in time, it's always to help our son! How do you think he saw both of his parents during Priori Incantatum, huh? How do you think Harry magically saw both his parents when I'm still alive, huh? Who kept James' spirit from giving away our big secrets, huh? It was me!"

I roll my eyes, unimpressed. "So, you did one little thing to keep both of our cover safe; who gives a rat's arse-"

"I bet you can't guess how many times I've saved that boy's life!" she says in a dark and low voice. "Don't you think things go terribly smoothly sometimes? Haven't you ever wondered about all of the close calls the boy has been through-you can't understand it, Severus, because you don't remember what life was like before I accomplished these missions. You don't know what life is like with a dead son."

My blood goes cold. "Dead? You've...you've seen him die?"

The thought of my Harry, lying lifelessly on the ground is nearly more than I can bear. If he had died in the last few years, he would have died without knowing who I really was and could be for him. He'd have died without a family, without a father...

Without me.

"Sev... Sev! Sev, snap out of it!" Lily cries from a distance, smacking me across the face. I'm suddenly back in the real world and Lily looks panicked.

"Damn it, I said too much! Severus, answer me!" she shrieks.

"How many times?" I ask, horrified.

"No, I'm not telling you!" she exclaims, looking shocked and crazed at the same time. "You'll go crazy-you're not supposed to know these things! Don't ever ask me again, Sev! Don't ever ask me again!"

She pulls me into a hug and holds me there for the longest time. I hold her back and silently pray that our son will make it through this war.

OOOOOOO

April 30, 1998

Silence. We lay beside each other in our bed, listening to the soft breathing of the other. All of the lights are off and we're both settled in for the night. Lily does not make a move to touch me.

It's been an odd couple of months leading up to this moment. Lily has started to come home more frequently and has been spending more time with me outside the bedroom.

I'm almost to the point where I might dare to think that she'll come back to me. It's been so long though-could she really change now? After all that she's been through and all of the mysterious things that she's done, could Lily possibly give it all away to spend her life with me?

I wish it were so.

She's been here all week with me, which has given me false hope. This is the longest she's spent in her own time in years. It is rather obvious too, as she often rushes to a hiding spot if she hears something. Hiding is an automatic reaction to her, now that she's spent so much time in other places. Lily has always followed her Time Turner rules extensively because she doesn't want to make anyone go crazy because of her presence. It's the one thing she's taken seriously during all of our years married.

She's more used to solitude than company too. When we're together, she rarely speaks and spends most of her time tapping her foot and appearing on-edge. Even now, I can feel her scratching her nails against the bed sheets, creating a steady beat to lull me into sleep.

However, it's worse than usual tonight. I can feel her shaking in bed and breathing in raspy breaths. "Lily, are you okay?" I whisper softly.

"No," she moans in a high-pitched voice. Wordlessly I cast the lights on in my room and am shocked at what I see.

My wife is as pale as a ghost, sweating and shaking violently beside me. She looks like she's having a panic attack. "Lily, what's wrong?" I ask, a bit fearful about the answer I might receive.

"I'm scared..."

I believe her. I'm at a loss for words though; what could have created this sort of reaction in her?

"Do you want some Dreamless-"

"No," she says, shivering. "I don't want to sleep."

"A Calming Draught then?"

She nods. I summon one from the bathroom, uncork it, and hand it to her. I even help guide her unsteady hand up to her mouth. Silently, she ingests it. A moment later, I ease her back down onto the bed.

I watch her until the shaking ceases. She stares back at me with horror in her eyes. Her hand runs softly down my face; I shiver.

"Sev, will you let me sleep with you tonight?" she asks quietly. "Just sleep, nothing else...I promise."

I don't know why, but I give in. "Yes."

Lily rests her head gently on my shoulder and I wrap my arm around her body, just like I used to all those years ago. I can feel her fingers stroking my chest through my nightshirt.

With a wave of my hand, the lights go out. I lay very stiffly, torn between whether I should enjoy her presence or be wary.

"Be careful," I hear her whisper. Her warm breath against my ear makes me tremble. "Tomorrow, Sev...please, just...just be careful."

She's shaking again. As I think about this situation, I cannot help but realize that I'm scared too.

OOOOOOO

November 27, 1979

I slowly walk down the stairs, not knowing what I'll find when I arrive at the bottom. I made one of the biggest mistakes of my marriage last night, and now I have to rectify it.

"Lily..."

I find her seated at the kitchen table with her head down. I wonder if she slept like that. I wonder if she slept at all.

One of her eyes twitches. She's awake, but not responding to me. I quickly get down on my knees until I'm at her level. She turns her head away from me.

"Lily, I'm sorry," I start off with, pausing as I collect my thoughts. "I never should have suggested that the-the baby wasn't mine or that this whole thing was your fault. I was shocked and I didn't think when I said those things; I'm sorry."

Slowly, Lily's head turns towards me. Her eyes are filled with tears and she murmurs, "It wasn't supposed to happen this way."

"No," I whisper back. "It wasn't."

"What am I going to do?" she wails. "I'm too young to be a mother!"

"No, you're not. You're 19, Lily...you'll be just fine. We're in this together and I'm not going to leave you or the baby without any means."

"I'm not ready though, Sev! I don't know anything about babies! I don't want one right now-we're not even married, for Merlin's sake! What is everyone going to say!?"

"They won't say anything," I say softly, placing my hand gently on her knee. "I'll marry you and we won't ever have to worry about that."

"I don't want you to propose to me out of pity! Everyone will know that we got married because of this anyways, once I start showing. They'll still gossip and talk behind our backs... It'll be terrible, Sev," she moans, frowning at me with watery eyes.

"Lily," I say calmly, standing up and reaching out to hold her, "Lily...come here."

Reluctantly, she stands up as well and rests her head against my chest. I rest one of my hands gently on her back and the other on the back of her head. After kissing her forehead once, I lightly brush her hair back with my hand.

"I need to tell you something," I say quietly. "I want you to know that I had planned to ask you to marry me as soon as I finished my Potions work. Here's the proof."

Lily pulls slightly away from me while I dig in my pocket until I find what I was looking for: my mother's wedding ring. It isn't much, but it still shines like new. Wide green eyes gawk at it as it shimmers in the early morning sun.

"Now, I know this isn't how either of us planned this, but this is what I've always wanted-you as my wife and a child on the way. I couldn't ask for more, Lily. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

Her eyes shimmer dangerously. I pull her close and rock her gently as she laments for the life she imagined herself living.

Eventually, she whispers, "Yes."

OOOOOOO

December 29, 1993

"Yes, your suspicions are correct, Severus; she came by an hour ago," Dumbledore sighs, sounding defeated.

"And?" I ask impatiently.

"There's hardly anything to tell," he reports. "She wanted another assignment, and when I said I didn't have one, we had a bit of a row. It ended with me trying to grab the Time Turner away from her, but I'm an old man, Severus. I was not fast enough and I failed; a moment later, she was gone."

I sigh, then glower at the floor. Neither of us can seem to get that thing away from her-and now that she's knows we're trying, I'm sure she'll hide it the next time she's here. We can't even try an Accio because of the possible danger such an action could put us in.

"My boy, I'm afraid we're backed into a corner. She'll have to choose to give it up, Severus. That's the only way."

If that's the only way, I suppose there's no hope.

OOOOOOO

June 18, 1980

A door slams from behind me. I turn away from my make-shift lab and watch as Lily storms through the house like a mad woman.

A pregnant, mad woman.

I follow her to our bedroom, where she slams the door shut in my face. The lock clicks. I bang on the door anyway.

"Lily, are you okay?" I call.

"No, I'm not fucking okay!" she screams back.

In retrospect, my question was pretty dumb.

"Will you tell me what's wrong?"

"Tell you what's wrong? Yes, I'll fucking tell you what's wrong! The job I worked so hard for is now gone because they can't wait for someone to come back from maternity leave, oh no! No, that would be nice! We'll have to give it to someone else! Fuck it all! I didn't want this! I didn't want this..." she moans, trailing off. I can hear her loud sobs through the door.

I lean against the outside of the door, feeling helpless. This is one situation I cannot fix.

OOOOOOO

October 31, 1980

"Are you out of your mind?" I ask, watching as Lily spells Harry's tiny winter coat onto his body.

"Don't be ridiculous, Severus. He has to see him sometime."

I roll my eyes. "He doesn't need to see him today-neither of us will be around to watch what he does with Harry all day! I am not comfortable with this Lily! Not one bit!"

"I'll make sure he's sober before I leave him there; if he's drunk, then I'll just bring Harry back and wait like you said-"

"You should just wait anyway! It's only one more day! Any other day, I could have stayed in and watched him!"

"I need to go now, Sev. I can't stand staying in this house a moment longer! If you had to wait here day after day, all alone with a baby to care for, you'd start to feel restless too! I need out, Sev! Like it or not, today is the day and James is the person!"

I huff angrily, annoyed that Lily is winning this battle. It's not safe! James is not a good person to leave our baby with! Lily knows that, yet she's insisting on it anyway! It was bad enough that I'd agreed to Lily bringing Harry over once in a while to keep our secret; someone was always there watching Harry though, either myself under the Disillusionment spell or Lily in person.

However, nobody will be there this time! It just doesn't feel right to me! If only I wasn't being summoned!

Damn it all!

"I have to go," I say with resignation. "Please, please check and make sure James isn't drunk before you leave him there. If something happens to Harry, I...please, please check. Just remember to check."

"I will, Sev," she says, then walks over to me and pecks me on the cheek. She looks into my eyes for a moment and then says, "Stay safe tonight."

"I will," I answer.

Then I push myself into the fireplace and Floo away before I do something I regret.

OOOOOOO

March 20, 1998

"Severus? Severus Snape?"

Turning around, I find a small man of no more than 150 centimeters in height. I've never met him before in my life. As he approaches me, I start to feel very uncomfortable, as I have no idea who he is or what he's up to.

The man sighs when he meets my eyes. "Thank the stars! Sir, it's Mortimer Greenwell, sir, and what I need to speak with you about is really of dire urgence-"

I narrow my eyes. "You! You're that pesky man who's been bothering me all of these years! What do you want with me?"

The mousy man looks around nervously, before looking back at me with pleading eyes. "We really cannot speak about this in public-can we converse at Hogwarts?"

"I think not. You've wasted plenty enough of my time over the years and I won't have you waste another moment; either you tell me what you want right now or forever hold your peace!" I say huffily; I tired of this man long ago and meeting him in person has only solidified that feeling for me.

"But sir...it's...it's..." he stutters, then leans forward to whisper up to me. "It's about your wife, sir."

My eyes go wide. No one knows that I married Lily except for Dumbledore and he was never one to tell a secret of that much importance to a random person. With that in mind, I sneer down at the lower life form before me.

"You absolute idiot! I have no wife! Get out of my way! Now!" I hiss, pushing him roughly aside and continuing my way down Diagon Alley. I feel shaken-very shaken. I am going to have a very stern talk with Dumbledore when I get back to Hogwarts!

"Severus, please! You must listen!" he shouts after me.

Guided by my great fear and annoyance, I choose to ignore him and Apparate away.

OOOOOOO

May 1, 1998

With a wave of my hand, a tidy pile of papers and books levitates off my desk and follows me through the house while I summon my shoes and robes. Finally ready, I storm towards the door, already late for breakfast in the Great Hall.

Another day, another set of stupid problems. I'll have to go along with whatever the Carrows choose to do, of course. Fucking sadists. I cannot believe how sick and twisted this school has become this year and that I have to turn a blind eye to many of the terrible happenings.

Sick. It's just sick.

Just as I start to open the portrait door, a hand grabbing my sleeve stops me. "Sev, you're leaving?"

I turn and look at my wife. She looks just as frightened and sickly as last night. The black rings under her eyes are telltale signs that she didn't sleep at all.

I don't know what's wrong.

I have no idea what to do and so my snarky side makes an appearance. "Yes, and I'm late! Please-"

Suddenly, she's kissing me, deeply. While I have mixed feelings about the matter, I reciprocate because I can feel her desperation. Her shaking fingers wind through my hair and pull my face tightly up against hers. She whimpers against my lips as we embrace intimately for the first time in a long time. Tingles run down my spine as I remember a time when we both reacted with this much fervor to each other.

She pulls back. It turns out that her whimper must have been sob because more follow as she pulls me close in a hug.

"Oh Sev...oh Sev..." she cries softly through her tears. "I love you so much. Please don't go!"

"Lily, please tell me what's wrong," I find myself saying, trying to stay calm even if it is just on the outside. However, her nervousness is putting me even more on edge than it did last night.

"I can't!" she wails hysterically. "I want you to stay safe, but I can't..."

"Come on," I murmur, putting my arm around her and walking her slowly to the bedroom. "You need some sleep."

"No!" she shouts, reacting violently to my words. She tries to pull away from me, but I hold her tightly and we continue our journey. She's so weak from her nerves that she quickly stops struggling and walks with me.

I help her into bed and tuck her in, stroking her hair a few times to try and calm her down. It doesn't help. Tears are still falling from her eyes as I wordlessly summon a vial of Dreamless Sleep.

"No, no Severus! I have something I have to do today-I can't fall asleep! I can't!"

"Lily, this is for your own good-" I start, then dodge her hand as she tries to steal the vial away from me.

She misses. I quickly spell the whole thing into her stomach.

"No! NO!" she wails through her broken sobs. I take her hand in mine and stroke it gently.

"It's for your own good, Lily-"

"No it's not!" she slurs through her tears. "You don't know what you've just done! I wanted to save you! I wanted to..."

"Save me from what?" I whisper softly, caressing her head and trying to put on a tough front, even though I'm falling apart inside.

"I can't say..." she moans in a high-pitched voice. "And now it's too late!"

I stroke her hair and kiss her on the cheek gently. "I'm going to get you help, Lily, today after school. I'll call some people from Saint Mungos and they'll get you straightened out. You won't have to suffer anymore..."

"You don't understand..." she murmurs, sleep catching up with her though she was fighting it off valiantly. "I love you so much, Severus...I didn't want it to end this way! I'm sorry for everything bad that's happened between us. Please don't go...please don't go..."

I watch as her eyes close and her breathing becomes regular. I watch tensely for a long time before I relax a bit and sigh. I'm shaking now and my heart seems to be pumping a little faster than normal. I can't get rid of the feeling that something is really, really wrong.

"It's just her," I tell myself. "She's finally gone crazy from all of the Time Turner business."

Still, I can't help but feel anxiety for something that only my wife seems to know about. The feeling doesn't go away.

OOOOOOO

May 2, 1998

Fuck! I had known that Minerva was good with a wand, but I hadn't ever expected that I might lose against her!

Of course, my odds would be a little bit better if the other teachers weren't firing curses at me as well.

Well...I suppose there's only one thing to do.

I've got to get the hell out of here!

Pulsating with adrenaline and nerves, I make a mad run towards the window. Colorful lights flash around me-I dodge and then...

Crash!

Glass shatters around me as I hurl myself through it.

Screams!

Wind!

Air!

Momentum!

Panicking, I scream out the spell that will hopefully keep me from falling to my bloody death.

It works! I'm flying! Thank you bloody Merlin! Thank you Voldemort!

Now in control of myself, I right myself in the air and grab for a few things that slipped out of my pockets.

I end up with a handful of bezoars and two vials of Blood Replenishing Potion.

I didn't put either of them in my robes during the past 24 hours.

Deciding it would be better to have a lighter robe, I toss them carelessly down as I zoom towards Voldemort's hideout.

OOOOOOO

December 17, 1977

Music roars and smoke billows around me. My heart pounds as Lily silently guides me through the throngs of tired dancers at the Yule Ball.

I can't believe we're doing this. My mind keeps telling me that this isn't safe; two Disillusioned people in a crowd this size are bound to get caught. Lily really wants this though, and so I am following her like a kitten would with its mother.

Am I whipped?

Yes...I suppose I am.

Luckily for both of us, Lily is very cautious as she guides us through the crowd and we easily end up in a dark corner undetected. Her hands slide up my arm until she finds both of my shoulders and then she holds on. I cautiously reach out for her waist. My hands find the green satin of her dress and they easily slide around her torso to her back.

We're dancing. As I sway with her to the music, however, I decide it's more than that. I wouldn't have done this for just any witch. I hate dancing, but knowing it was the only thing that could have made this night worthwhile for her, I agreed to it anyway.

As she leans her head gently against my chest, I know I've made the right choice.

"I love you, Sev," she whispers, making my heart beat a little faster. I hadn't expected such a declaration tonight. I hadn't realized Lily's feelings for me were so deep.

It was a worthwhile night, indeed.

OOOOOOO

May 2, 1998

"Surely you will understand then, why I'm about to do what I must," Voldemort drawls, looking at me with a calm face.

I feel nothing but calm at the moment. My heart is beating faster than it ever has and sweat is rolling down my cheeks as I look at Voldemort's face in the shadows.

"But my Lord, I have done everything you have ever asked for! I have been a faithful servant to you!" I plead-I have to make it out of this alive! I have to get to my Harry!

"Yes, and now it's time for you to give your life for our cause. Do you not believe in our cause enough to die for it? Would you not give your life for our side to win?"

"But-"

"Enough!" the Dark Lord growls angrily. "Nagini!"

OOOOOOO

January 1, 1980

"With this ring, I wed thee," Lily says back to me, gently sliding a cold golden band onto my finger. Her green eyes meet mine and I see nothing but love in them. As a bride and a future mother, Lily truly does glow.

"You may now kiss the bride," Dumbledore says with a smile, his eyes twinkling with glee.

I smile at Lily's luminescent face and my heart pounds a bit faster. I gently move her veil out of the way, then take her head in my hands. An electric shock hits me when her lips meet mine. We kiss slowly and softly, savoring every last minute of this kiss that is binding us together. As we pull away, I feel a spark of magic pulse through me, binding me with her as I had promised.

I pull her close and hug her to me, then whisper a burning question in her ear.

"Are you sure you don't regret this?"

I've asked her this question many, many times this week and haven't gotten a straight answer. Even now that it's seemingly too late to change our plans, I still really want to know.

"No, Sev," she murmurs back, so low that Dumbledore cannot hear us. "It may not have happened the way we planned, but I love you and nothing is going to change that."

She pulls away and I see sincerity in her eyes. "I'm so proud to be Mrs. Snape; there's no one in the world I'd rather be."

I smile back and then kiss her again.

OOOOOOO

May 2, 1998

A hiss...

Pain!

I can't breathe!

"I regret it."

I fall limply to the ground and watch as Voldemort exits the room. I breathe in blood and choke on it. Warmth is pouring from my neck rapidly-I can feel the blood under my head and body, slowly soaking into my clothing as I try to breathe. I try and staunch it with one hand, but my limb is so weak that it doesn't seem to help.

It wasn't supposed to happen this way ! What will happen to Lily? And Harry! Harry never found out the truth! I have so many regrets! I need more time!

Then Harry is suddenly over me and I gargle out a laugh of irony. I must be hallucinating... It really is the end. I can feel my life draining out of me-my heart is beating erratically. There isn't much time left.

I stare at my son and he stares back at me. The longer we do this, the more I am convinced that he is real. A hallucination would surely tell me what I wanted to hear: my son would say how much he loved me and would forgive me for abandoning him at the bloody Dursley's. However, this Harry just watches me with morbid fascination as I prepare to ascend to a new place.

I don't know if he's real or not, but just in case, I summon up every memory I've ever wanted to share with him. I think about his birth, his mother, the longing I felt from a distance, the mission from Dumbledore, the times I was there for him while he was hurt...everything.

Then, I let them flow. I cry them out of my eyes and let them drip from my nose, mouth, and ears. The smooth liquid is cool, much in contrast to the puddle I'm lying in. They drip out of me until I have practically nothing left of myself.

OOOOOOO

August 2, 1980

Back and forth.

Back and forth.

Lily and I watch as my son's cradle gently rocks him into the land of dreams. A magical moon and stars glow from his ceiling, casting soft white light against his pink cheeks.

I squeeze Lily's hand and smile down at her. Her green eyes meet mine and she smiles back.

"We made a person together," she whispers softly, leaning against me as she gazes at Harry. I put my arms around her and stare out our young son as well.

"I love you, Sev," she murmurs, interrupting the silence.

"I love you too, Lils," I whisper back, then kiss the top of her head gently.

I finally have a family.

OOOOOOO

May 2, 1998

Gasping and choking, I grab Harry's shirt and pull him down towards me so that his face is close to mine.

"Son...I..."

I'm wheezing. I don't have the strength to say what I desperately want to say. My vision blurs and I see numerous Harry's above me. Someone's calling my name from a distance.

Lily...

Lilies.

There are so many...one for every year we've been together.

I watch as two hands put a bezoar in my mouth.

She's yelling at me, but I can't hear...

Potions.

Swirls of red...

Grey.

Black.

OOOOOOO

October 9, 1994

Lily huffs and turns away from me, annoyed. "I told you I can't say! If I tell you what I do, you could go crazy! Why can't you get that through your head?" she exclaims.

"I need to know, Lily. If you're going to ruin our lives, Harry's life, and our marriage, then I think I have a right to know why you are doing this! Are you working for someone else?! Lily, who are you doing this for and why?"

Lily stares at me incredulously. I feel exasperated at her expression.

"Severus," Lily says with a sigh, "one day, you'll understand who I did this for."

With a sad look on her face, she gives the Time Turner a few cranks and disappears before my eyes.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO