Chapter 11




Harry stood with his hand on the doorknob. It seemed like his life had yet again turned upside down since the previous night and he didn’t know how to handle it. His relationship with Snape had changed. Not just in the “Harry, I am your father” manner, but deeply, fundamentally at its core. For the first time since this mess, it struck Harry that Snape actually could be a parent, his parent specifically and that he might just like it. 

Then there was Sirius. Harry was disappointed, to say the least. His entire life, he’d been bullied by Dudley and his friends. Memories of Harry Hunting, being tripped and kicked, and taking the fall for all of their crimes left Harry with a bitter hatred of bullies. What Sirius had so blithely said last night reminded him of all the snide comments Aunt Petunia would make about his mother and how it was his fault she was dead. 

“You were the worst thing that ever happened to your mother,” she told him, usually in the kitchen if he burned the bacon or dropped the milk. “You and your good-for-nothing father. If it weren’t for you, she would still be here.” At the time Harry didn’t understand. How was it his fault there was a car accident? Were they driving him to the doctor or to buy him some toys? Now he understood though, Aunt Petunia had been right all along, it was his fault they were dead. 

That’s why he was so livid with Sirius now. It was his fault, Harry’s, that Lily and James were dead, not Snape’s. Snape had been decent to him these past few days. He took care of Harry after his nightmare, and took him shopping to buy new clothes. In his fantasies this summer it was how Harry envisioned Sirius would act when he came to save him from the Dursleys. But that never happened. Instead, Snape, who bullied him for the past two years was doing these things and Sirius became the schoolyard bully. 

Harry groaned as he dropped his head into his hand and massaged his temples. His world was doing pirouettes and he had yet to learn how to spot the wall.  He shook his head trying to clear his mind. He no longer knew how to act around Snape. Clearly, they no longer hated each other. But he also couldn’t view Snape as his father. Yes, he helped him these past few days, but he wasn’t a Dad. So where did that leave them? There was no use going around in circles, it would get him nowhere, so Harry took a deep breath, summoned all of his Gryffindor bravery, and opened the door. 

As it turned out, all of his worrying was for naught, because Snape was nowhere to be seen in the quarters. Harry went about fixing himself a piece of toast and some pumpkin juice as he wondered where Snape was. He doubted the man was still in his room, he seemed like the type of person to rise at the crack of dawn, or more likely he didn’t need sleep at all.  He wasn’t teaching-  Dumbledore excused him from his classes for the week to “bond with Harry.” Harry rolled his eyes at the thought as if four days would make up for twelve years. 

He must be in his personal potions lab, Harry finally concluded as he finished eating his breakfast. He was just placing his dishes in the sink and was about to scamper off to his room to hopefully avoid Snape when there was a knock at the portrait door. He was going to ignore it when the knocking became more persistent and there was muffled yelling. Harry rushed to the door, worrying that there was some kind of emergency, and threw it open to reveal Sirius. 

Harry stood there, gaping at him stupidly. He looked awful and was clearly hungover. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair hung lankly over his face, and Harry recoiled as he smelled the stale alcohol that emanated from his godfather. As he stood there staring at Sirius, he felt his face grow hot with anger. How dare he show up in this condition after what he said last night. What the hell did Sirius think he was doing? Did he come to piss Snape off even more, because if so it would work and Harry did not want to deal with an irate dungeon bat this morning. 

Unfortunately, Snape snuck up behind him before he had the chance to tell Sirius to bugger off. He could feel the loathing and hostility radiating from Snape and quickly ducked out of the way, not wanting to be in the firing path of his wrath. 

“Get the fuck out of my flat, Black,” Snape ground out, the quietness of his voice making him sound all the more threatening. 

Sirius stopped the door with his foot as Snape slammed it shut. “Wait,” he cried, a desperation in his voice that Harry hadn’t heard since the night Sirius confronted Pettigrew. “I’m sorry,” his words tumbled out. “What I said last night was despicable and none of it true. I was drunk out of my mind and didn’t know what I was saying.” Sirius looked down at his feet abashedly, hand clutching the door as if terrified Snape would slam it shut in his face again. 

Snape stared at him saying nothing, measuring the sniveling wretch in front of him. “Drunk words make for honest thoughts,” was the only reply he gave before slamming the door shut in Sirius’s face. 

Harry watched as his professor took a few deep breaths before turning around to face Harry. He examined Harry closely until he started to squirm under the intense gaze. “Undoubtedly, you think I was harsh. If you want to go speak to your dogfather, you, of course, may,” Snape said, now pointedly staring anywhere except for at Harry. 

“You weren’t too harsh,” Harry finally said as Snape was walking away. “Sirius deserved that, what he said was deplorable. I would like to talk to him though,” he said nervously, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. “He’s family. He’s the first person who showed he cared for me, so I don’t want to write him off completely.” 

Harry stood still, not daring to breathe as he waited for Snape’s response. It was true, Sirius was family and Harry didn’t want to lose that relationship. At the same time, he didn’t want to destroy whatever it was that he was building with Snape. Harry stared at the ground, still chewing on his bottom lip, as Snape walked over to stand before him. 

He placed one hand on Harry’s shoulder so Harry was forced to meet his eyes. “Harry, listen to me,” Snape started, his black eyes conveying trust and care. “Don’t let our schoolyard grudges stand in the way of your relationship with Sirius.” Harry’s eyes widened in shock; it was the first time he ever heard Snape refer to his godfather as Sirius. 

“We have a long history, similar to you and Mr. Malfoy. There are wounds there that will not heal overnight. However, as you said, he is your family. He showed you love when no one else did, even those you should have been able to trust. For nearly your entire life you’ve had no one you can count on, no adult you can turn to. It’s undoubtedly the reason for all the dangerous stunts you’ve performed over the years. So, although I may loathe it, you need Sirius in your life. I know you don’t yet trust me.” Harry opened his mouth to interrupt but stopped when Snape raised a single eyebrow and pursed his lips. Harry knew better than to interject when Snape had this expression. “It’s alright, Harry. I’ve given you absolutely no reason to trust me these past three years. By all means you have every right to completely despise me. Sirius, however, has given you ample reasons to trust him. You need him, and I will not stand in the way of that.” 

With those final words, Snape straightened and left the room before Harry could even form a reply. Harry wasn’t sure what to make of Snape’s speech, but the man was right about at least one thing. Harry did need Sirius. He didn’t want to destroy the relationship that they had built, so he stepped out of the portrait. 

Sirius was slumped over on the floor, leaning against Snape’s desk. Somehow he looked even worse than he had when Harry first saw him this morning. Did Snape’s words affect him that much? Was he truly sorry for what he said? 

Harry didn’t know what to make of anything but felt awkward standing there without Sirius noticing him, so he cleared his throat. Sirius’s head jerked up at the sound. It took a moment to register Harry’s presence, but as soon as he did, his eyes lit up as much as they could and a half grin graced his face. 

“Harry,” he whispered. Harry was shocked, used to Sirius’s normal booming voice. Harry was used to Uncle Vernon’s hangovers and knew to be extra quiet the mornings after the man went out drinking. Those were always some of the worst days when Harry- sore from the beating a drunk Vernon had given him the night before- managed to irritate his Uncle into compounding his punishment. 

Harry closed his eyes, not wanting to take a breath and smell the stale stench of alcohol that would transport him to some of his worst memories. You’re not there, he reminded himself. Sirius would never hurt you. When he finally felt calmer, he opened his eyes and gave Sirius a small smile before joining him on the floor. 

“You look terrible.” 

Sirius gave a small humorless chuckle, “Yeah, well I feel pretty terrible. I’m really sorry pup, you know that right? I didn’t mean what I said.” 

Harry said nothing for a few moments, trying to figure out his own feelings in this mess. “I know you feel bad Sirius, but you did mean it. Snape- he’s been good to me these past few days. He’s helped me a lot,” Harry paused, not wanting to continue, but he knew he had to; Sirius needed to hear the following words. “He’s done more for me than you have.” 

Sirius flinched back as if Harry had physically struck him, and Harry supposed that in a way he had. Although he’d only known Sirius a little while, he could tell from the very first night how much the man cared for him. So undoubtedly, hearing these words would hurt. 

“I’ve failed you pup. Me and Remus both. We should’ve fought harder to get custody of you this summer. It’s our fault you nearly died,” he said, choking on final words. Harry watched as Sirius took a deep breath to gain his composure before continuing. “I promise, we’ll do better. I won’t pick on Sniv- sorry I mean Snape as much. I hate to admit it, but he’s done okay these past few days. Better than I have at least.” 

Harry finally gave Sirius a full smile. The first one since returning to Hogwarts. Things weren’t perfect and there was still a lot to figure out, but it was a start. 

HPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSS

The rest of the morning was uneventful in comparison. Snape was lodged up in his potion’s lab, so Harry hung out in the living room. With nothing else to do, he figured that he might as well get a start on his homework. Hermione, of course, had been so gracious to drop it off before her potions class that morning along with copies of all the notes. Harry was slowly but surely making his way through McGonagall’s lecture on turning a porcupine into a pin cushion when Snape emerged from the depths of his laboratory.

“Would you like some lunch?” he asked Harry civilly. Having only eaten the toast that morning, Harry found that he was actually quite hungry so he nodded his head as he got up and walked over to the table.

Lunch was a quiet affair. Snape had a house elf deliver sandwiches that were served in the Great Hall and the two ate in comfortable silence. Harry still could not get over his shock at how decent the man was being. There were no snide remarks or jabs at Harry or his fath- no James Potter. In fact, Snape’s quarters were starting to feel safe, like a place where he could relax and not worry about what Ron was thinking, how the school and wizarding community would react to this new revelation, or what Voldemort was planning. It almost felt like the Gryffindor common room, albeit a much quieter version.

Harry noticed that Snape’s gaze had been on him for quite a while when he finally said, “Would you like to see some memories of your mother?”

Harry’s head shot up and he gulped. Hardly anyone ever offered him information about Lily, and here Snape was willing to share information. And what did he mean by seeing memories? Did wizards have some sort of magical video camera? Not trusting himself to form words, he simply nodded and followed Snape into the living room.

Harry looked around for a television. He hadn’t seen one earlier but maybe it was hidden with magic or something. He knew the TV at Mrs. Figg’s house was always hidden away in a cabinet unlike at the Dursleys. He was surprised, however, when instead Snape pulled out a large stone basin and placed it on the coffee table. Harry curiously stepped forward and saw an iridescent blue liquid shimmering within.

“This, Harry, is a Pensieve,” Snape told him. “It allows a person to view memories, similar to a muggle movie. However, with a Pensieve, you don’t need a device to record it; you simply think of the memory and place it inside.”

Harry was intrigued, would magic ever stop surprising him? He watched as Snape set his wand against his temple and saw the shimmering blue material flow from his forehead into the bowl. Snape repeated the process several more times until several minutes had passed and he finally opened his eyes to look at Harry.

“I’ve placed several memories inside. They are memories of your mother- how we met, our first day at school, when we got married, and having you. You’re welcome to take your time to watch them.” Snape turned and was about to walk away when Harry interrupted him.

“Wait, Sir,” he said. “How do I see them exactly?”

“Ah,” Snape said as a sad expression crossed his face. “I forget how much you don’t know about our world.”

“It’s not exactly my fault,” Harry mumbled as he looked away frowning.

“I know Harry. I only express regret that you grew up with Petunia and her husband when Lily and I should’ve raised you. You should’ve grown up surrounded by magic and all of this should be second nature to you. Unfortunately, redoing the past is frowned upon. To use the Pensieve, you simply touch the surface of the liquid. Once the memories finish you will be sent back here. Know that while you will be able to see and hear everything that occurs, no one will be able to see you.”

Harry reached his hand out as Snape left the room. The stone of the basin was cold and smooth to the touch, much like a cauldron before it’s been heated. Harry ran a hand over the surface of the liquid without touching it. It seemed to respond ever so slightly to his presence as if begging for him to touch it and view the contents. Gently Harry lowered his hand and was surprised to note that the cool liquid was thicker than he expected when he suddenly jerked forward and fell headfirst into the Pensieve.

He landed with a thud on what appeared to be a playground in a dreary town. The townhomes were all run down with dirty beige facades and red paint was peeling off the swingset. There was a faded yellow duck on a spring a few feet over that was missing an eye and one of the handles. Musical laughter caught his attention though and he looked over to see a young girl about nine or ten with vibrant red hair and green eyes. Eyes that looked exactly like his- it was his mother.

She made the surroundings come to life, what was drab and gray before now seemed to be a vivid technicolor. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Pictures did her injustice, she was absolutely beautiful. The only memory he had before was of her being murdered by Voldemort. Now, he knew what her laughter sounded like.

“Watch me Tuney,” she said before she jumped off the swing at its peak height. He startled and was about to go forward to catch her, afraid she would fall and hurt herself, but she simply floated down as if she was flying.

Heart pounding in his chest he breathed a sigh of relief. It was then that he heard someone next to him, “She’s a witch.” Harry looked over, startled that there was someone next to him. It wasn’t just someone, it was Severus Snape. The boy had the same lank black hair and long hook nose as the Professor. He was skinny and Harry looked down and saw that there was a bruise on his right arm in a shape that looked all too familiar to Harry. It was a handprint from being grabbed.

Harry watched as the young Snape watched the two girls for several moments. “You’re such a freak,” a horse-faced girl teased Lily. Aunt Petunia. Harry scowled and narrowed his eyes in her direction; of course, she was as miserable as a child as she was as an adult. Tears welled up in his mother’s eyes and Harry felt a pang of sympathy for her. He too had been on the receiving end of Petunia’s spite one too many times and knew how much it hurt.

Lily started to walk toward them, furiously wiping at her eyes. Snape lowered his sleeves over his arms and stood up to approach her. “She’s a miserable wretch, isn’t she?”

Lily spun around towards them, fury glinting in her eyes. “Hey!” she called out. “Don’t insult her, she's my sister.”

Snape's face went bright red and he stammered out an apology. “I-I’m sorry. I only meant that what you can do is special and she shouldn’t have teased you for it.”

Lily’s expression softened into curiosity and she took a step closer to them. “What do you mean what I can do?” she asked.

“You’re magic,” Snape told her simply.

Lily’s lips pursed in response, and for a brief second Harry was amused to find that there was a family resemblance between her and Petunia. “There’s no such thing as magic. No need to make fun of me.”

“No-no,” Snape quickly said, reaching out to gently grab her arm as she spun away from him. “I’m magical too, I’m a wizard and you’re a witch.” Harry sat down opposite Lily as the two sat on the playground talking about magic and Hogwarts. Harry paid very little attention to their actual conversation, instead just watching Lily and trying to memorize her expressions and mannerisms. He was overjoyed when he found that they made some of the same gestures and her nose also scrunched up when she was confused.

Suddenly the world fell out from under him and he found himself on the Hogwarts Express sitting next to Snape, Lily was across from him. “I really hope we’re both in Slytherin,” Snape was telling his mum when the door slid open revealing to boys. One was pale with long dark curly hair and high cheekbones and the other looked exactly like Harry, or at least how he used to look.

“Hey James,” the boy who was a young Sirius Black said. “Look at these nerds-they’re already in their school uniforms.”

Lily rolled her eyes as Snape told her to ignore them. Unfortunately, he said it with a sniffle and went to wipe his nose.

“Aw, what's wrong Snivellus?” James taunted. “Miss your mummy?”

“Oh shut up! You bloody idiot,” Lily stood up and slammed the door shut in their face.

The world spun again and Harry stood next to Snape in the Great Hall as he stared dejectedly at the redhead who was making her way over to the Gryffindor table. “Bye Lily,” he whispered.

The room spun and suddenly they were in the library as Snape sat next to Lily, both looking noticeably older. Harry guessed that they were probably in their sixth year. Snape was writing down notes as Lily was explaining a complicated charm for their upcoming exam when she suddenly stopped. Snape was so invested in his notes that it took him a few seconds to notice, but eventually looked up.

“What’s wrong Lils?” he asked.

Lily said nothing, just stared at him, her eyes searching his and then wandering down to his lips. All of a sudden she leaned forward and kissed him. Severus’s eyes widened in shock as they broke apart. “L-Lily,” he stammered.

Lily blushed as bright as her hair and looked looked down, clearly expecting a better reaction from him., “Sorry Sev, I shouldn’t ha-” she didn't get to finish her thought because Snape with a determined look on his face leaned forward and kissed her.

Harry was thankful when the room disappeared that time. While he was thrilled to be seeing memories of his mum, he did not want to see her make out with Snape. They were now back at the playground where they started except now it was a sunny spring day and the flowers were just starting to bloom. Snape and Lily were yet again older, Harry surmised that they had left Hogwarts at this point, but couldn’t be sure. He watched them for several minutes as they walked around the park and Snape pushed Lily on the swing set.

“Remember when we first met?” she asked him. “I was on this swing then too.”

“Lily,” Snape started as he grabbed the swing, stopping it from moving. Harry saw that his hands were shaking as he walked forward and stood in front of her before getting down on one knee.

“Severus,” Lily breathed as she drew a shaky hand up to her lips, tears filling her eyes.

“Lily, I have loved you since the moment I saw you nine years ago on this playground. You’re not only the love of my life, but my best friend. You are everything good and right and joyous in this world, far too good for the likes of me,” he said with a self-deprecating chuckle. “Lily, will you make me the happiest man alive and agree to be my wife?”

Lily said nothing, Harry thought it likely that she was unable to say anything because she was so overcome with emotions. Instead, she just nodded, threw herself into his arms, and started crying. Severus leaned back and took her face between his hands. “What’s wrong Lils?” he said, concern seeping into his voice. “What did I do?”

“Everything,” she replied. All the blood drained from Snape's face, so she rushed to add, “You’ve done everything right. These are happy tears. Yes Sev- yes I’ll marry you. I’m the luckiest girl on the planet, I-,” but she could continue no longer because she promptly burst into tears again.

“Lily,” Severus said laughing as he hugged her closely. “It’s alright.”

After a few moments, she finally looked up at him. “Now let me see that ring,” she said, wiping tears from her eyes. It was her hands shaking this time as Snape placed an emerald ring onto her hand.

His mum was now sitting in front of a Christmas tree with Snape. “I love this necklace you got me, Sev,” she said, fingering the golden lily at her throat. “Here, I have one last gift for you.”

She reached over and handed him the final present under the tree. It was a medium-sized gift wrapped in paper with bubbling cauldrons. She was worrying at her lip, the same way Harry does. She was nervous about giving him this present. Mother and son watched as Snape opened the gift slowly, slipping one finger underneath the tape before gently pulling the box out of the paper. He flipped over the gift and looked up at Lily with a confused expression on his face.

“Very funny Lils, you do realize that I’m going for potions mastery right? I think children's sets are a tad easy for me.” Harry peered over and saw that it was a potions set designed for toddlers. Lily said nothing, merely placed one hand over her stomach and the other over Severus’s. Harry watched as the understanding dawned on Snape and he looked at her with complete devotion and awe. “Are you serious? Are you really pregnant?”

Lily gave him a watery smile and nodded before throwing herself in his arms. The room changed again and this time they were in a hospital bed. Lily was exhausted with wet hair matted to her face. Despite this, Harry thought she had never looked more beautiful. She stared up at Snape as he came over and sat on her bed, a baby wrapped in a blue blanket in his arms. Harry felt tears prick his eyes as he watched himself with his mum and Snape, his parents, and thought that the three of them looked like a perfect family.

Suddenly, Harry found himself in the same living room they had been in before at Christmas, however, this time there were no decorations out and the trees outside the window sported pink and yellow flowers. “Severus Snape,” he heard his mum yell from behind him. “Come take your son this instant.” She handed over a squirming Harry whose face was as red as his mum's hair and looked as if he was ready to scream at any moment.

Snape took Harry from her arms and successfully calmed him down before any tears broke loose. “I swear,” Lily began. “This child takes exactly after you. I have him at his high chair at the counter while I’m trying to prepare dinner and turn my back for one moment to see him making a mess of all the ingredients as if he were making potions, combining them in a bowl and stirring clockwise three times. Watch him so I can go make dinner.”

Snape, who’d been doing his best to look trite during her spiel, now looked down at Harry with a soft grin on his face and held out a finger for Harry to latch on to. “That’s my boy, you’ll be a potions master one day, I know it,” he told Harry. The older Harry sat and watched them for a few moments, before he felt himself being jerked upwards and suddenly found himself back in Snape's living room.

Ungraceful as ever, he fell to the floor, where he sat in shock for a few moments, trying to process what he had just seen. Dimly, he heard Snape move behind him but made no notice of the man. It was all real, he thought to himself. Snape really was his father, and beyond that, he seemed to love him and Lily. And Lily. She was so beautiful and vibrant. He had never realized just how like her he actually was.

Harry was startled when he heard Snape clearing his voice. “Are you alright Harry?” he asked as he knelt in front of Harry. Harry opened his mouth to reply, but all that came out was a choked sob before he launched himself at Snape. He felt his father’s arms encircle him firmly before he broke into tears.