| Title: Chapter Seven
| 15 Oct 2008 2:43 am
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| Reviewer: Anonymous (Anonymous)
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My dear little summer squash, your grammar must be fixed! "Madam Bright didn't live up to her name, brown would have been more accurate." Where is your semicolon? Your conjunction? When you connect two independent clauses (Those are two short sentences that could stand on their own), you must use either a semicolon or a FANBOYS- that's For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So! If you don't use a proper connection between the words, you'll get a run-on sentence, and that's bad. (See? I just used one!) Put either a semicolon or a 'for' between 'name' and 'brown,' and get rid of this misused comma nonsense!
By the way, Harry is the cutest little kid ever.
| Title: Afterword
| 15 Oct 2008 2:30 am
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| Reviewer: Livi (Anonymous)
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Pickle! Oh, how lovely! But, alas, my apple crisp, your over-large error causes me to crease my brow most tragically for one so young and carefree. For 'over large' should be hyphenated, and you neglected your hyphen!
I like the epithets you choose for Harry, but be sure not to overuse them. Also, you left out a truly irreplaceable comma in the sentence 'Eyes on the small marks Snape sank back down into his chair.' This sounds like 'Eyes on the small marks' is Snape's name. Very First Nation of you, but not terribly accurate. You need a comma when you add a dependent clause to a sentence, whether at the beginning or end. In this case, it goes after 'marks.' Bye!
| Title: Chapter Six
| 15 Oct 2008 2:24 am
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| Reviewer: Livi (Anonymous)
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Hey Pumpkin pie,
Malfoy-ooh. So evil, so much possibility. You almost did him justice, but not quite. 'Annoyingly tedious' is a little bit out of place. You could probably shorten or cut that sentence without causing any harm. However, I LOVE Severus in the interaction. He's just so Fabulous!
| Title: Chapter Three
| 15 Oct 2008 1:54 am
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| Reviewer: Livi (Anonymous)
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Ciao Sugarplum,
Your description of the invisibility cloak makes me think of very fine silk or satin, how it falls through your hands. For something to cause invisibility, being fine and light seems much more realistic than the velvet seen in the movies.
"Cat like" is usually written either hyphenated as cat-like or as one word, catlike. Two words is a peculiar way to do it.
Toodles!
| Title: Chapter Two
| 15 Oct 2008 1:45 am
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| Reviewer: Livi (Anonymous)
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I like the line about magic needing chaos. It's true, isn't it? Be careful with your adverbs ending in -ly. In the toy store scene and at the end of this chapter they fall a little awkwardly.
And man, but isn't Dumbledore persuasive? Congrats, comrade
| Title: Chapter One
| 15 Oct 2008 1:34 am
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| Reviewer: Anonymous (Anonymous)
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Oh, twinkletoes! "His seed?" It's so very Biblical of you! And Severus is such a grouch- I love it! But don't get too inflated. I'm sure I'll find something to criticize soon.
| Title: Prologue
| 15 Oct 2008 1:29 am
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| Reviewer: Livi (Anonymous)
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Yours is the best characterization of Old Dumbles that I've seen on the site to date, sunshine. I really like that last line, 'love has its own power.' Very Dumbledore, and properly punctuated to whit!
These lines contain the real magic, psychologically: "Another man's seed," Lily mused. "Your seed. James Potter's wife round and full of Severus Snape's child." Her words were soft and despite her promise of no magic there was a kind of thrill to them that ran along Snape's spine and made him quiver.
You have done a terrific job with this story. I like it VERY much.
| Title: Epilogue
| 23 Aug 2008 12:43 pm
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| Reviewer: Anonymous (Anonymous)
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Delightful story. Magical in fact. Thank you so much.
| Title: Chapter Three
| 23 Aug 2008 12:01 pm
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| Reviewer: aalens (Anonymous)
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This is so emotive! I'm loving it. (Written in good English too - which is an added benefit as is not often the case with fanfics. LOL)
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