| Title: The Road Ahead
| 04 Feb 2005 12:50 am
|
| Reviewer: Kateri (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
I absolutly love this story, its one of the best Harry and Snape mentor stories out there i think. Very origional and runs the whole gamet of emotions
Good chapter. :) Just some comments though: Ron seems a little over done. I think that this is just an aspect of his new teenager personality coming out, being important from going to Order Meetings, being Harry's best friend and knowing Dumbledore outside of school, it's an excuse as to why he is so "friendly" or rude during the feast. But it was a little over done.
Also, this is just something I've been noticing but was really apearent this chapter: you have a weird mix between British stuff and American stuff, especially when you write about the foods. You should probably look into fixing that as it is detracting from your story. :) Other than that, wonderful real chapter.
("...They took me to Diagon Alley to get my new school things a few weeks ago, we were stuck behind a tractor for an hour. Fred had a nap. And he was driving.") LOL! I really liked the character change you made with Malfoy. I think that Hermione needed to show more of Devil's advocate when she tried to get Ron to see what was up with Malfoy- she seemed too... nice and defensive of him; the only way I can advise you is to make it seem that she's defending him but not because she wants to. Just a suggestion. :) Hermione's million of books were great. Ron seems very in character but his phrases seem a little 'popping out' in the story, the transition needs to be more smooth. Really enjoyable story so far. :)
| Title: The Dark Lord's Army
| 01 Feb 2005 12:56 pm
|
| Reviewer: Jan_AQ (Signed)
| [Report This]
|
lol@the attacking bird as Snape entered the house. Tonks seems really juvenile, perhaps a little too much. It's cute though but seems more like a 19 year old would act- is she that young? I don't know.
You should probably make another mention that Hermione wasn't at 12 Grimwald place this chapter because I was sure she was until one of the adults said all the children's names. I loved Harry's chaotic dream at the end and about Snape falling off of the astronomy tower; for some reason I found that really funny. :)
I loved the comparison to Dumble's speech with a talk show. ("Of course, the only way we can know for sure is to have a Death Eater or Voldemort - " There was a general flinch throughout the room " - attack Harry."
"Before anybody suggests," said Snape, darkly, "no.") hehehehe... ("I'm putting all the Weasley children on Harry Potter Protection Duty," he said.) Wheee!!! great fun! The part with the glasses and the Snape mystery is really a nice touch to the story. Harry seems a little too caring though. I think that they need a few more degrees of antagonism to make the story better, even though it's wonderful this is just a tiny thing that could make it better. :).
You missed a traveling description after the glasses fell on Snape to whereever they went to have cocoa. I had no idea where they were, in fact I was a little caught off guard with Hermione and Lupin's conversation and Tonk's face changing, thinking that they were doing these things as they walked.
Your Dumbledore is really bossy in this chapter. It's an interesting side of him that we don't really see in the books so much. The first time I read this story I followed and felt Harry and Ron's questions better but now that I know why Snape's having bad luck and such it's so much easier to follow and understand the Snape and Dumbledore conversation. Haha the Harry and Ron questions seem a little childish now. I loved the end of this chapter when Snape looked at Harry and Harry turned his face before Snape could get into his thoughts.
| Title: First Lessons
| 01 Feb 2005 12:33 pm
|
| Reviewer: linthal (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
The lessons were great, i liked particularly the apples. When the apple rolled down the stair i was waiting for it to roll over snape.
linthal
| Title: The Members of Magic (Part Two)
| 01 Feb 2005 12:19 pm
|
| Reviewer: Jan_AQ (Signed)
| [Report This]
|
Haha, wow! I LOVED having Harry part of the Weasley family, no matter how distant. When Ron asked for a hug and the rest of the family joined in.. well that was so sweet! I loved the dinner mess, that was a riot! :) And now Snape's magic is faulty? Dun dun dun dun. I think that your Tonks is okay as a outside character, she's kind of fun. You could work a little bit on your execution though.. theres just something, I can't really explain but it's like... I'm reading and something jars me from the story. I think it might be the pace? Skipping through only the most entertaining and amusing scenes perhaps. Well anyways, great chapter! :D
| Title: You-Know-What-Day
| 01 Feb 2005 10:17 am
|
| Reviewer: linthal (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
this chapter was funny.
the codes are so funny:" It got quite confusing sometimes to hear Aunt Petunia having a conversion with Uncle Vernon about the boy and that kind, performing you-know-what at that place, with all those people and "that horrible man" invading their house on every you-know-what-day." *GGG*
There are so many funny sentence in this chapter. Your Snape is great and his sarcasm is hilarious.
linthal
| Title: Malfoy
| 01 Feb 2005 9:59 am
|
| Reviewer: linthal (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
Hello, i really like your story so far. I cant wait to read the rest. It´s funny and the idea with Sirus was really good. But there are smal things there are disturbing for me.
Tonks is a Auror and in the Order, you make her a look like a housemaid and a terrible clumsy clown. Sure it is funny but in my opinion it´s not reliably.
Also why has Hermiones Dad a company?
Sorry if this review sound harsh to you it was not in my intention, there are only smal things. I really like your story and now i go to read the rest ;-))
Keep writing
linthal
| Title: The Members of Magic (Part One)
| 31 Jan 2005 10:54 am
|
| Reviewer: Jan_AQ (Signed)
| [Report This]
|
Sweet chapter. :) I've been giving frogs as I read each chapter so sorry about the lower score. By the time I get to the later chapters it will probably be up to full frogs. :) The bit about Peevs was really neat to tie in. So tragic. The dead body in the coffin in the attic was such a realistic touch. You manage to write in things like that that just make the story so much better. :) Great job!
|