Excellent start! I'm very intrigued and looking forward to more!
Please update soon!
:-)
.
I always gravitate towards stories that can weave reasons and methods to Riddle's madness. I really look forward to more!
| Title: Chapter One: Here we go again
| 04 Feb 2015 12:09 am
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| Reviewer: alba (Anonymous)
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I really enjoyed this story so I decided to look at your other stories on this site and on fanfiction.net. I noticed something and because of this I decided to not continue reading any of your stories until they are completed. I think you are a great writer but except for a one shot not one of your stories have been completed and I don't want to be so into a story and then find out it will never be finished. Please continue your writing as I think you have talent in this field and I look forward to reading your story when it is completed.
This is an interesting start to the story. The fact that Voldemort already knew there was a problem and was trying to fix it before he lost his body should make Harry's job a little easier. I also like that Severus will be his helper in this. Finally, the potion being developed by Flamel is quite interesting and I hope that we get to meet him later in the story. The only criticism I have is that the punctuation of many sentences makes them hard to read and lessens the impact of the story.
So now I'm curious about what everyone had wrong other than who was the enemy. Can't wait for more!
| Title: Chapter One: Here we go again
| 03 Feb 2015 9:39 am
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| Reviewer: Mister (Anonymous)
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I like the plot, but you should proofread more, since it can be a bit difficult to read.
Some of your sentences are extremely long, try to read them out loud and see if they feel normal to say.
Count your commas, if there are more then two or three, try dividing into more sentences.
Some places you skip words:
"...it will not just my fist you feel", should be: "...or you will feel more then just my fist."
"He shook his head and put his glasses on and made his way out of his cupboard without a word he began to cook..."
"He shook his head, and without a word he crawled out of his cupboard and began to cook. His relatives were too busy cooing over Dudleys birthday to notice anything weird about Harrys behaviour. They were planning a trip to the zoo, a trip Harry had no desire to attend this time around, he was going to be very busy figuring out how to create a link that didn't exist until fourth year in his prior timeline. He placed the finished meal in front of his relatives, whilst plotting how to get his uncle to leave him at home.
I know this is not a perfect correction, (I'm in a hurry. ;-) ), but it's just a suggestion as to how you can split up your sentences a bit.
But the best advice I can give you is to read what you write out loud. Even if you're not a native English speaker it helps a lot, you get a sense of the flow in your sentences and notice errors a lot easier.
| Title: Prologue
| 03 Feb 2015 1:38 am
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| Reviewer: Hesperis (Anonymous)
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This seems very good. You get me interested, I hope you update soon! :)
| Title: Prologue
| 03 Feb 2015 12:19 am
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| Reviewer: Pclarity (Anonymous)
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very intrigued so far, but I'm a sucker for time-travel stories. Looking forward to the rest.
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