I reading this again, and am just as hooked by your opening chapter as the first time!
Wow. Gonna be honest, I'd be scared shitless (I'm a very petite 5'2", 95-100lb girl) but I'd definitely try and say something...or at least I'd talk someone bigger into saying something, if I saw this.
woooooooooooooooooo go Snape!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Good start! I think the shit's going to hit the fan right about now.
-P.G.
Wooh! Great beginning! Looking forward to the rest of your story!
While I know that grammar isn't an issue for everyone, multiple errors can be distracting for me.
For example, the Dursley house should be " the Dursleys' " because the house belongs to more than one Dursley. On the other hand Harry's "friend's" is just a plural, and doesn't need an apostrophe. In "...when you're owl's dead" 'your' is a possessive and therefore also doesn't need an apostrophe.
Quotations normally have a comma within them rather than a period. For instance, "I'll tell." he blurted out suddenly. is usually written, "I'll tell," he blurted out suddenly. This makes the whole thing one sentence, one thought.
'Smartass' is one word. 'All right' is two.
Finally, there are some capitalization errors. Because 'the Headmaster' is a title of Dumbledore's, it should be capitalized rather than lowercase.
In terms of plot/setup, from whom exactly has Uncle Vernon heard about the 'famous Harry Potter'? It seems unlikely he'd chat with any wizarding types in order to get this information.
This story has lots of frogs, which means many people have gotten into it and loved your plot and characterization... but the grammar issue is a big one for me, so I have to stop here. :(
Beta?
-K
| Title: Chapter 1
| 29 Jan 2008 6:02 am
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| Reviewer: Lanelane (Anonymous)
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Hi, I was just reading this for probably the sixth or so time and realized that I wasn't sure I ever reviewed. I just wanted to let you know "Somewhere I Belong I-III" are three of the best fanfics I have EVER read. I've read them almost as much as I have read the actual Harry Potter books. So I wanted to let you know how much I've enjoyed them and to say thanks for sharing them :)!!
| Title: Chapter 1
| 02 May 2007 7:33 pm
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| Reviewer: Guest (Anonymous)
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A rather exciting first chapter; I like that you lept straight into the action, without a long chapter building up to it, although I must admit that I am partial to a good bit of tension. I love your style of writing, but one thing sort of broke up the fluency for me; on the third paragraph down from the first divider, you state that "Harry laughed besides his bad mood". It might just be me, but that didn't read right. Perhaps "despite his bad mood"? I just thought I'd comment, becuase it seemed quite out of place with the rest of your standard. Yours, a Guest
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