I understand wanting to develop the relationship between Harry and Draco and this scene will certainly help that along. But I don't quite see how you can imply that Ron and Hermione haven't been there for Harry the last two years. Hermione helped him through the entire Tri-Wizard Tournament and Ron and Hermione stood by Harry through all of his horrible moods in OotP and went with him to the MOM. Harry was going even if no one else did--and he would have died without his friends.
The interaction between Draco and Harry is somewhat original and should be an enjoyable part of the story. But I don't think you made it clear enough why it would be safe for Draco to know that Harry would be there. You said that Narcissa was no longer a supporter of Voldemort, and lightly touched on Draco's thought that his father should be in Azkaban, but I think this point could have been developed more strongly.
Very nice start. I like that you have Harry stop the abuse before it gets terrible. I have never pictured Harry as the type to allow himself to be horribly abused, especially since he now knows he can do magic for self-defense. The description of Snape in the last paragraph was a very nice visual.
However, please, please, please fix this line:
"He sighed and slid the picture underneath his pillow and lied down..."
The whole lie, lay, lain thing gets me, too, but I'm almost certain this should be "and lay down." This sounds funny to most people. "and laid down" is not correct but at least sounds better than "lied" which is NOT the past tense of "lay". ;-)
Hey, I really enjoy this story, I would be willing to Beta for you too, if you still need it...I've been wanting to get back into Betaing^_^;; Just thought I'd offer.
| Title: Who I am hates who I've been...
| 02 Apr 2007 12:40 am
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| Reviewer: miss june (Anonymous)
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YOU DON'T HAVE A BETA? Well i can kinda tell in some parts of your story. No offence intended. I offer to be your beta. Send me an e-mail at misst19ca@yahoo.com with the subject line beta if you would accept.
That was an intense and exciting chapter. I love it. I'm really enjoying Cri. She's fun. Harry is right - no one else would have helped the Dursleys. Most wouldn't have believed him, and the rest wouldn't bother. Very few people realise just how little Harry values himself.
I love your grasp of character.
| Title: Guess Who's back
| 27 Mar 2007 3:02 am
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| Reviewer: Spiorad (Anonymous)
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Just thought I would point out that damn is spelled DAMN not DAHM. :)
| Title: Desiderio Di Morte
| 13 Mar 2007 11:03 pm
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| Reviewer: Labrys (Anonymous)
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I think Dumbledore is completely out of character, to be honest. I'm not sure if you meant it that way but the man certainly isn't that stupid. *shrugs* I just thought I'd point that out...
| Title: Never Cross a Slytherin
| 13 Mar 2007 10:27 pm
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| Reviewer: Athena_Rhea (Anonymous)
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" "Severus, you really should take this chance to get to know Harry.” he was being entirely to cheerful. "
This isn't grammatically correct, it should read: "Severus, you really should take this chance to get to know Harry." He was being entirely too cheerful. -
Not Correct: “Well Severus, if that is all we have to talk about, I’ll leave Harry in your very capable hands,”
Correct: "Well Severus, if that is all we have to talk about, I'll leave Harry in your very capable hands."
And it's Grimmauld Place, just so you know. I'm not telling you these things to be mean, I really do quite like this fic so far and I'm merely pointing out bits that could be better. ^^ So, forge on!
Oh boy... but honestly that problem was worth of it! I can Imagine those wings on his back and they are so cool idea! Now Harry is beginning to be the actual teen that he should to be and that is great! I can hardly wait to hear Severus' reaction! Please update soon!
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