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Reviews For Brothers and Fathers
We hate thunderstorms. We would sit in the hallway with all our pillows all over the walls and floor -with the animals- reading and talking until the storm passed. We always get severe lightning here in the southeastern part of America in the summer. As much as we hate the storms it gives us daily times, outside of meals, to chat with the kids. The memory made me smile. Thank you for that.
Its super sweet
Its super sweet
Tobias' interaction with Harry's fears is very well done. inches shorter them him (than); you clumsy, hag (you clumsy hag); cloths (clothes); Dursley's would pay (Dursleys; it's not possessive); messaging gently (massaging) Morpheus's (Morpheus') Am greatly enjoying the story.
Serenity seemed a little out of place. it might be a little better to give their meeting a little less attention. I suggest that you change her name to something a little more common as well. Serenity is a name used in animes and as girls' pennames who write fanfiction. Something like Alice might be better. Also, keeping Snape bad tempered throughout it would make him seem more in charcter- he was a little blank in the latter part, have him say something when he picked up the books for her- offering to help her carry them to her store, even though he's mad. Something like that might help a little. I read in one of your review responses that she was going to be a regular character later. The best possible thing you can do with her, that will get her across as a real character, who might not be important now, but be important later, would be to write her out of this particular chapter. Cut out her whole scene. Have Snape mention that he knocked into someone in the rain, if you must, but the best thing would be to have Snape remark about it later to someone else when he sees her later. Seriously. You'll be able to sneak her in better. Right now she seems out of place. This line was fantastic and gave me chills for some reason: "...you said sometimes it isn't about the consequences, but what you do after you realize you screwed up." Did you come up with it? it's great. The storm was a really nice touch. "Suddenly it thundered ferociously followed almost immediately by a huge clap of lightening causing the lights to flicker on and off." The light shows up first, then the sound. I've watched it often enough as a kid to know. You have some backwards thunder. :) Wow, Severus and Tobia are probably going to be really sore tomorrow after sleeping on the couhc! XD Haha, poor guys. lovely chapter. Good job!
kate Author's Response: Thanks, I'll be posting more soon. |
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