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Reviews For Brothers and Fathers
--his
Several sentences in this chapter have this problem--they are back-to-front and rather awkward. Simple is best, and watch the subordinate clauses. Sample: "Severus was already tucked in and fast asleep as Eileen had a few potions on her which were completely non-reactive so they wouldn't interfere with the potion that deaged him, that helped with his fever and upset stomach." Instead: "Severus was already tucked in and fast asleep. Luckily Eileen had in her possession a few mild potions that helped with his fever and upset stomach without interfering with the brew that deaged him." And at last, a description of Tobias. Query: did Harry get the eyes, too, or Eileen's? ten(-)year-boy's (should be boy--otherwise a double possessive) wash-up (is not hyphenated); couple of bit(e)s of egg; deluded (diluted); no one pick(ed) up; who must have been Severus' father (who must be) collard (collared) hadn't know(n) Author's Response: Thanks! I was expermenting with the 'what if' paragraph and (once again) you're the first person to comment on it. Personally, looking back I think it fits very oddly. Its radically different from my normal style. Thanks for the review!
she's annoying and I can't stand severus in pain because of her.
I didn't care much for the scene between Eileen and Serenity, mostly because I don't like Serenity. (in fact, I like Eileen better than Serenity, an she seems to be the 'the bad guy' of the story) I think your story would be better without her. So far, you have quite a few main characters and she doesn't seem to fit in to the story line. She seems like a 'fifth wheel.' She's there to fill space. If you keep her, I suggest you keep her peripherally (not as a main character). Then again, it's your story. You're writing it to have fun, so write what you want.
Serenity is a character that I like. I don't think that she is a Mary-Sue, however I do think that she can be handled better. I think that it might be a better reaction for a Muggle faced with the deaged boys to think that they are relatives, and just be really confused. The way she seemed to accept magic, and then just move on to Eileen's treatment of Severus seems a little out of character for the situation. Usually with one big revelation, people have trouble with it, and aren't able to immediately drop it in favor of something else that isn't provoked. Also, I don't know that she would get so angry at Eileen in that way, especially after seeing that she can do magic. (Maybe she would, because that's her character, but I think that it would need a catalyst first, like Eileen hurting Severus right in front of her.) It just doesn't feel right, and because the writing paraphrases what went on, we miss some of the character development and understanding that could help. "Severus said that you left when he was young and hadn't seen you since. Why are you here? Why did you come back?" It jumped too quickly to this. My advice is to not jump to this, and in this way. It makes Serenity and Eileen more important than Tobias and the boys, and the boys should be the most important of all in this type of story. It is called "Brothers and Fathers". :) Serenity and Eillen especially should only be used to create a problem in the household, drama to create a conflict that the boys and their father have to work out together. "...I doubt that such a pathetic excuse of a Barbie doll such as yourself would understand." Be careful using "Barbie doll". Is Serenity that pretty? She shouldn't be if you want to avoid people immediately slapping "Mary Sue" on her, and from what I can remember from her character desccription, she isn't. Plus it might be out of character for Eileen to use that insult, being a witch, even if she did marry a Muggle. She doesn't seem to like Muggle things very much. Would she be familiar with barbie dolls, and be the type of person to use that type of insult? The best way to bring Serenity down is to give her more apparent faults. Mention them, making her seem more human and therefore more real. Then you shouldn't have as many comments about Mary Sue-ism. Thanks for the update! I thought that chapter was interesting, but I would have wanted to read more about the boys, their thoughts and feelings and actions in the end. Usually the end of a chapter is what is best remembered, and what is reviewed and rated on. :) That's why big cliffhangers often get more reviews than normal chapters on most stories.
Normally I quit reading a story at the first sing of a Mary Sue. I've hung around a bit, in the hopes that you'll off her in some horrible accident. Alas, this appears not to be the case. You're probably planning some corny and very cliched romance, where you--er, I mean 'Serenity'--saves the day in the end. This is where I depart. Have fun with your story. It really wasn't so bad, except for the Mary Sue. (The last bit of this chapter was classically Mary Sue-ish, by the way. She's quite the heroine, rushing to defend her love from his mother--whom she's never met. Despite knowing Severus for about a week, she's formed a deep and lasting connection with him. In that week, they've both bared their souls. They know each other better than their own family. Yeah, this happens all the time--especially when sarcastic and unsociable people like Snape are involved. You're contradicting the character you've created for Severus, by the way.)
I'm also enjoying your story very much. Your approach at making Tobias the good one is very original and you have turned him into a wonderful character and very real. Keep on the good work on this story. |
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