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Reviews For Brothers and Fathers
mostly asleep (sleeping); Iron barred (iron-barred); Dark Lords (Lord's) throne room; You pathetic, piece of Hippogriff dung; (the comma should go) I leaned (learned) very early; Harry's curiousity piped (piqued); Author's Response: *sigh* I don't write Voldemort well. As hard as I tried, I couldn't not make him sound cliche. And yes: Eileen is very fun to write. I meant the Princess to be a pun since her maiden name was Prince. I meant to italics the 'Prince' part but I guess it got overlooked. Thanks for the review!
The boys saluting their Dad is another nice moment, as is his mixed feelings about their reaging; Harry's concern about what he's told the ten-year-old Severus is also good; as is Severus' feelings in the matter. their (they're) reaged; deadly quite (quiet) voice; houses (house's) occupants; leaving, Harry alone with the adults...(No, he's not alone, and the comma's misplaced, so: "...leaving Harry with the adults...") twins(') room; quit(e) a bit of respect; to his son's (sons); a bit faster then (than) expected; Hypothetically(-)speaking; fifteen-year-old; Eileen crawling into bed (thinking) that her life... Author's Response: Thanks! You're one of the few people who like the scene between Tobias and Eilleen. Most thought it seemed out of place. Thanks for the review!
Undoubtedly, though, Severus' relationship with his mother has caused trouble for him. Harry, OTOH, did have a positive bond with a mum for 15 months--which may be why he hopes Eileen will stay. Neither kid is old or wise enough to know that Eileen's character isn't going to change, and her inability to tolerate routine in ingrained. Tobias knows S & H are acting oddly, and so does Eileen. He dismisses it (his Gryffindor side) and she is not really interested. there (their) pranks; formally (formerly) abused; Severus and Harry's plan (Severus'); she was (felt) compelled; ten(-)year(-)olds; that (it) all wasn't just a dream; meter's (meters); "Yes, sir," ground out Severus runaway is a noun; run away is a verb; Author's Response: I'm glad I was able to realistically portray S & H. Thanks for the review!
Several sentences in this chapter have this problem--they are back-to-front and rather awkward. Simple is best, and watch the subordinate clauses. Sample: "Severus was already tucked in and fast asleep as Eileen had a few potions on her which were completely non-reactive so they wouldn't interfere with the potion that deaged him, that helped with his fever and upset stomach." Instead: "Severus was already tucked in and fast asleep. Luckily Eileen had in her possession a few mild potions that helped with his fever and upset stomach without interfering with the brew that deaged him." And at last, a description of Tobias. Query: did Harry get the eyes, too, or Eileen's? ten(-)year-boy's (should be boy--otherwise a double possessive) wash-up (is not hyphenated); couple of bit(e)s of egg; deluded (diluted); no one pick(ed) up; who must have been Severus' father (who must be) collard (collared) hadn't know(n) Author's Response: Thanks! I was expermenting with the 'what if' paragraph and (once again) you're the first person to comment on it. Personally, looking back I think it fits very oddly. Its radically different from my normal style. Thanks for the review!
Severus' reaction is really good; he's furious. Harry--no surprise--is curious. And Tobias' reaction is injurious (rhyme time!) He knows he shouldn't, but he does anyway. I suspect this is the source of Harry's Gryffindor side. The dialogue between Harry and Eileen is very good; I suspect that she is not as hard-hearted as she likes to pretend, but she certainly is no nuturer. "(Y)ou found out about Harry."; "burry his head" (bury); spit-fire (spitfire); grandparents house (grandparent's); ten(-)years(-)old; youngest son (younger); dont't get to(o) close; I gave up to(o); Harry('s) parentage; with a shock(ed) expression; Author's Response: Thanks! I have said it before, but Tobias is one of my favorite characters, because of this, he can't be perfect. He has to be flawed. Eileen is his tragic flaw. In the next couple of chapters Severus's feelings on Eileen's return will be revealed in greater depth. Thanks for the review!
Dursley's (Dursleys); "Sev, is sick Harry" ("Sev is sick, Harry") Author's Response: Thanks! The good news about the cliffy is that the next chapter is allready posted. :) I enjoyed the scene were Tobias taught Harry to salute as well, but you're the first person to mention it in a review. I was begining to think that it wasn't as good of a scene as I imagined. Thanks for the reveiw!
both could benifite (benefit); can't stay out of trouble/stay still (can't-stay-out-of-trouble/stay-still, this helps with the scan of the sentence); youngest son (younger); better then his aunt (than); Dursley's (Dursleys); her triad (tirade); slightly more sedated (sedate); then to argue (than); going through all the cloths (clothes); new found father (new-found); ten year old (ten-year-old); at a sedated pace (sedate). Author's Response: Ten-year-old Severus is fun. :) I knew I had to make Severus and Harry very different from one another, but I wasn't always sure how. Making our beloved potions master a hyperactive kid was not only a way to accomplish this, but makes his contrast to Harry (an abused child) more prominent. Thanks for the review!
I particularly liked the bit where you said, "the children went upstairs to pla...err...entertain themselves." excruciatingly slow(ly); Dumbledore(-)like; Tobias's (Tobias'); motivated then him (than); messaged his abused throat (massaged); not so shocked (ing); in the America's (Americas--it's not possessive); twin's potion (twins'); were more astound (astounded); to s(t)ay here the night. Author's Response: Thanks!
Problems: if Severus is a parselmouth, wouldn't he have heard the basilisk in Harry's second year? parsalmouth (it's parselmouth); basicially (basically) smug innocents (innocence) Author's Response: Thanks! I thought about the basilisk thing, but decided to take a liberity and two and ignor it. Of course, there is the possibility that he was just never around at the right to hear it? Thanks for the review!
And though the prank is funny (and a nice change of pace) and their subsequent interaction very well rendered, I don't know a soul that wouldn't wake up if honey was being smeared on his hands and face. portkey is not hyphenated; "Don't just stand (there); "anything to extraordinary" (too) Author's Response: Thanks! My reasoning behind Tobias's tirade was that we know from the books and previous chapters of this story that Harry and Severus are both flawed. It didn't seem right to have Tobias as a perfect human being and not them. And I agree not one on earth could stay alseep through what Harry did to Severus, but...well it was just so cute. :P Thanks for the review! |
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