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Reviews For Brothers and Fathers
Always did cut right point (always did cut right to the point); those of Harry's (this is a double possessive--should be those of Harry); Tobias messaged his temples (massaged); more then capable (than); Harry's presences (presence); Where are we going (needs a ?); to do the chores he gave (you); Besides I double (doubt); How long will you be gone (needs a ?); still whined-up in bed (beautiful Freudian trip; it's wind up); It didn't make any sense--he just met his dad--he shouldn't feel like this (added the dashes so it scans); a broken jar not to far away (too); spoken to he boy (the); he buried his head his knees (guessing it's between?) Author's Response: Thank you! The identical interviews were fun to write. Thanks for the review!
collard (collared); about two sizes to big (too big); fifteen year old (this is usually hyphened, thus: fifteen-year-old); started yelling at him to (him, too); why not sell books (you could add a ? at the end of this sentence, it would help the scan); I'm hear (here); he forbid me (forbade) Author's Response: I was experimenting with the styl. I'm glad you liked it. You're actually the first to comment on it so thank you :)
'oldest and youngest' I noticed this problem farther along in the story...it's older (or elder) and younger when it's two, and oldest (or eldest) and youngest when it's three or more. Here there are two, so it's older and younger; defiantly (I think you mean definitely); cloths (clothes) Maybe, I can assist (comma is not right here. 'Maybe--I can assist' or "Maybe...I can assist' scans better) Harry, cleaning the shed? (should be: "Harry cleaning the shed?) Dursley's brought up (Dursleys) Author's Response: Well someone had to stand up for the boy. (huge grin). Sev and Serenity are kind of cute...*sigh*.
Tobias' interaction with Harry's fears is very well done. inches shorter them him (than); you clumsy, hag (you clumsy hag); cloths (clothes); Dursley's would pay (Dursleys; it's not possessive); messaging gently (massaging) Morpheus's (Morpheus') Am greatly enjoying the story.
pretty much [in] the same pattern (the 'in' is superfluous); at the Dursley's (Dursleys'--this *is* a possessive) die-hard (this is not a person, so no hyphen) "he needed to talk about the Dursley's" (Dursleys--this is *not* a possessive); "cloths" (clothes) "prespective" (respective); "straitening" (straightening); "before Harry, Tobias blamed it on beginner's luck, while Severus suspected him of cheating, won the game" (this is a terrific sentence which needs dashes rather than commas to read easily: "before Harry--Tobias blamed it on beginner's luck, while Severus suspected him of cheating--won the game"); "just where do you think your going" (you're) "his work probable wouldn't be done" (probably); "aftereffects" (should be after effects); "I'm ground for a week" (grounded) Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for the grammar tips, but I must point out this chapter has not been completely beta'd yet. Thanks for the review! Hope you enjoy the rest of the story!
"in laboured gasp" (gasps); "Severus defended" (a common fanfic locution, but it's awful, because there's no object. Should be: "Severus defended himself"); "triad" (tirade); "you want people like [you] because" (you is missing); "You're the one who brought it up" Actually, this isn't correct; Severus brought it up, not Harry.
And I saw only one obvious typo: 'the three occupants of the house remained quite' (quiet)
1. “the last of the Princes knocked on the door of the last of the Potters Eileen Prince.” (Need a period or a dash after ‘the last of the Potters’); 2. “Nor James’s” (should be “Nor James’ ”); 3. “Eileen feed him a potion” (should be “Eileen fed him a potion”); 4. “my sweat little boy” (should be “my sweet little boy”) 5. “No you daft, child” (should be “No, you daft child”) 6. “Dursley’s” (should be “Dursleys”. You do this repeatedly throughout. An ‘s makes the word possessive, as in ‘the Dursely’s car’)’
And I think Dumbledore's reasoning about Harry being with blood relatives is faulty, since the primary reason for that should have been Lily's sacrifice, hence Harry staying with her relatives. But there shouldn't have any kind of blood protection with the Snapes. hedwig_ediwges@yahoo.com |
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