| Title: It Takes Two
| 16 Jun 2007 5:58 pm
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| Reviewer: angel (Anonymous)
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i think that snapes character is perfect the way u write it.
You have an interesting plot here, but I think it would be better as a work of original fiction, because I don't think Tobias, Severus or Harry has the background to be what you want them to be. I also think that more insight into the minds of everyone (a reaction, a thought, a quelled instinctive reaction, i.e. Vernon often calls Harry "Boy" in canon, therefore we would assume Harry's reaction to the term would not be pleasant. He should flinch or prevent the flinch several times when Tobias uses the term before making the adjustment, if ever.) Also, there are a lot of technical and spelling mistakes: "cloths" (washcloths?) instead of "clothes," "to" instead of "too," etc. Punctuation mistakes are frequent through the story, i.e. missing commas, semi-colons where they don't belong, etc. That being said, your plot for this story is a great one. Some parts are clearly inspired by outside influences (which is okay), and some ideas are clearly your own, most especially Tobias as a character and Severus as a psychologist. Keep writing, but I think you'd do better writing original fiction than fanfiction because of how you develop your characters.
Oh good! Tobias finally saw the light. Very good chapter. I loved the prank, too!
Another absolutly excellent chapter! I love the pranks they played on Eileen too. :)
oh this chapter made my chest ache. Poor Severus. Wonderful writing.
| Title: A Whole New World
| 11 Jun 2007 9:28 pm
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| Reviewer: sister of severus (Anonymous)
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please take Eileen out of the story.
she's annoying and I can't stand severus in pain because of her.
| Title: A Whole New World
| 11 Jun 2007 7:44 am
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| Reviewer: Cascadia (Anonymous)
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happens with the family dynamics--the relationship between Eileen and Severus and Harry though. Keep writing.
I didn't care much for the scene between Eileen and Serenity, mostly because I don't like Serenity. (in fact, I like Eileen better than Serenity, an she seems to be the 'the bad guy' of the story) I think your story would be better without her. So far, you have quite a few main characters and she doesn't seem to fit in to the story line. She seems like a 'fifth wheel.' She's there to fill space. If you keep her, I suggest you keep her peripherally (not as a main character). Then again, it's your story. You're writing it to have fun, so write what you want.
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