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Reviews For Brothers and Fathers
I'm really enjoying this story!
Author's Response: Thanks. I'm glad someone likes Serenity. I hope you get something to eat soon.
Serenity seemed a little out of place. it might be a little better to give their meeting a little less attention. I suggest that you change her name to something a little more common as well. Serenity is a name used in animes and as girls' pennames who write fanfiction. Something like Alice might be better. Also, keeping Snape bad tempered throughout it would make him seem more in charcter- he was a little blank in the latter part, have him say something when he picked up the books for her- offering to help her carry them to her store, even though he's mad. Something like that might help a little. I read in one of your review responses that she was going to be a regular character later. The best possible thing you can do with her, that will get her across as a real character, who might not be important now, but be important later, would be to write her out of this particular chapter. Cut out her whole scene. Have Snape mention that he knocked into someone in the rain, if you must, but the best thing would be to have Snape remark about it later to someone else when he sees her later. Seriously. You'll be able to sneak her in better. Right now she seems out of place. This line was fantastic and gave me chills for some reason: "...you said sometimes it isn't about the consequences, but what you do after you realize you screwed up." Did you come up with it? it's great. The storm was a really nice touch. "Suddenly it thundered ferociously followed almost immediately by a huge clap of lightening causing the lights to flicker on and off." The light shows up first, then the sound. I've watched it often enough as a kid to know. You have some backwards thunder. :) Wow, Severus and Tobia are probably going to be really sore tomorrow after sleeping on the couhc! XD Haha, poor guys. lovely chapter. Good job!
There were a lot of typos, and some missing words, and commas though. You should go back and edit it. Without the errors I think I'd give this an 8. "When he got back he stared at his bed for a long moment whishing for something..." it's wishing. :) "...I can brew that will make the changes occur all most instantly." almost "I'll start on it after breakfast, it's really a rather simply potion..." simple "Honestly, Severus, let the boy talk with out your commentary" without Missing commas: "Harry continued to glare unaware as to how childish he looked." ...to glare, unaware... "And the only cloths I ever had..." clothes Author's Response: Thank you. I'm glad your enjoying the story. I have a beta now so the latter chapter (after 10) are now beta'ed. Thanks again.
take care, jane |
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