|
|
Reviews For Harry and the Different Childhood
I like that Severus talks to Petunia as if he knew her. One thing that can be improved upon, is the passage of time during large tasks. They take up a little too much of the story telling, which makes the action seem a little choppy. For example: "Apart from the outer wounds, he seemed to be unconscious with a very high fever, his pulse was much too weak, and his breathing was laboured as if a rib was puncturing his lung." It would be more compelling and dramatic if Snape went through some tender motions checking Harry with this part, and we see if actual observations, like flushed cheeks. Instead we are just told the results, and as readers we miss out if we are hurt/comfort junkies. :) This part is very good: "He crawled over to the much-too-small baby mattress and took the child into his arms. Putting a hand to his neck, he let out a sigh..." but there should probably be more descriptions of Harry's reactions, unconscious as he is, as Snape looks at him. Maybe a whimper? Hearing his breathing? "Both of them worked intently on the child for about three hours before they had finished everything that could be done at the moment." This is okay on it's own, but since we don't get as much descriptions of Harry before, it robs the hurt/comfort. This is original, "...and one of the bruises on his foot is so infected that I don’t know if we will be able to save the foot." I appreciate small things like this a lot. I'm not sure about this language structure: “Oh my…, what have I done? I have placed him there, because I thought he would be safe.” I think it should be "I placed him there..." but I'm not sure. It just feels too indirect as it is. You might want to expand on this: “You couldn’t have known, Albus. Do you think I would have left him there if I had known? If he survives, I will take him in, Albus, just to let you know. As much as I have always hated my cousin, it is not Harry’s fault and he is still my second cousin.” Dumbledore gave him a short nod, his blue eyes full of tears. Make it feel a little more realistic based on all of the canon knowledge. Maybe more of Snape's thoughts, giving background memories or history, and then talking. When I read thins, I wonder about lily and Severus' friendship, and whether they were friends in this story. I also wonder why Dumbledore really gave Harry to the Dursley's if Snape was a magic relation, and if SNape was willing to take him. More background information would have made it feel better and make more sense with canon. You always have to refine your reality in a story. Otherwise authors are lost. Make sure that you keep dialogue straight. For example: “Can we meet in Albus’ office tonight after curfew? I would like to discuss something with the two of you.” Minerva agreed immediately, and Albus said, “That we will do, my dear boy.” It should be more like: “Can we meet in Albus’ office tonight after curfew? I would like to discuss something with the two of you.” Minerva agreed immediately, and Albus said, “That we will do, my dear boy.” Try to make sure that sentences are simple. I learned that when reading, it is easier to understand short sentences. With longer sentences, you have to remember and read everything in the sentence before you can make sense of it. So for a long sentence like this: "Severus now tried to keep his thoughts at Hogwarts and thought about what he had to tell his new first years at the house meeting he was going to hold directly after dinner." it would be better to have it like this: "Severus now tried to keep his thoughts at Hogwarts. Specifically, he thought about what he had to tell his new first years. The first house meeting took place directly after dinner." You can make the last two sentences one sentence with a comma if you want, that would be okay in this instance. After scene changes, make sure that you mention WHO is the first person point of view. There was one part, "Later in the evening, he strolled through the empty halls of Hogwarts," I thought that it was Snape, but it is Dumbledore. Wait, no, it's Snape. XD I am a little puzzled over Snape's motives though. After reading the last Harry Potter book, I wonder if he wants to go back in time to merely give Harry a second childhood. You may want to write in that Snape had been wanting to do this for Lily for awhile, but Dumbledore would not let him. Now that Harry's future is pretty much over, Dumbldore could allow it. You do need more background thoughts of the charactres though, mostly Snape here. this one part could really help the story a lot. :) "I will have to invent the floo powder first, so I think it will be a few days, maybe weeks, until we can go." You may want to write in that Snape had researched this previously, or that Dumbledore had something important locked up that Snape needs in order to invent this thing. Otherwise, I am left wondering why he did not go back in time for Lily. I'm also a little puzzled about this part: “Severus, nobody knows about this, so I must insist that you do not tell anyone about what I am going to tell you now, but Minerva is my wife. We have been married for about twenty years now.” His eyes had returned to their normal twinkling selves. Minerva could not hide a blush, and Severus smirked. “Very well,” Severus said and stood up from his chair. Severus' reaction is missing. Did he know all along? Is he surprised? Pleased? I think he's pleased. :) “Am I dead?” he repeated the question, noticing that the water indeed had helped and it was easier to talk now. The silky voice giggled and the man – what did he say was his name, cousin Sevus – explained... Snape? Giggling? Really? it sticks out a little. I DO like that Harry is calling him Sevus though. So cute! And a nice job with childish narration. I loved the scene between Snape and Harry. Very lovely, if a bit sad. You need to mention Harry's eyesight being bad a little earlier however, since it seemed like that fact was forgotten at first. I really liked the rat experiment! I love seeing Snape with a scientific attitude- it fits him so well and is in character, but not many authors do that. it was nice. I loved how Minerva conjured a stuffed dragon for Harry, and how you described how Harry liked it. I loved the whole sentence here, "And finally, he told him that Minerva, the nice elder lady he had met the other day, who had conjured the stuffed dragon for him, which Harry was cuddling busily..." Cute! Fantastic end to the chapter!!! “Close your eyes, Minerva, and try not to vomit your potion; I don’t have any more calming draughts with me.” LOL! Very, very good ending and place to cut it off. Author's Response: Hello Jan, thanks for your valuable help! I've already changed the first chapter according to your suggestions - I only have to find someone to beta for me (the most difficult part of the whole action) ;-)
"...I have thought about a plan, which involves going back four years into the past in order to save the lives of Lily and James and give Harry a second chance for a childhood.” Wow! What a shocker! You might want to include this line in your story notes for this story. :) But then Harry wakes up. He's precious. Nice first chapter! You might want to go back and edit this some more though, now that you have had more practice writing. Some of it is very awkward.
|
|
Powered by eFiction 3.5 |