You're betas seem to have done a fine job with spelling and grammatical errors, but I think they should help you rephrase some parts in your story. At the beginning of this chapter you used the term "brain battle" and I can think of several ways to say the same thing in a less awkward manner (such as mental battle, or even going into more detail and discussing occlumency). Some of Snape's dialog seems a little out of character as well. I realize you are not a native speaker, but that's what betas are for! :) Other than that, I think you have a good idea, and the fact that you finished such an epic story deserves recognition.
| Title: Prologue
| 10 Jun 2008 7:11 am
|
| Reviewer: Lasah (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
"Now Harry saw red. Not thinking, he picked the remaining ingredients up and threw them all together into his cauldron. Within seconds, the Potion exploded all over Harry, who screamed in pain and was gone with a whoosh."
XD What?! This has got to be one of the more incredible methods I've found in the fandom of describing the process of time-travel...
|