Yes, I'll review, but I'm not sure you'll like what I have to say...can't help it, though, as a professional proofreader.
I think you are off to a good start storywise, but your sentence structure is unfortunately so unintelligible that I'm having a lot of trouble reading this story. You have double verbs in many sentences, lots of redundancy. It is making me want to stop reading already.
I will continue on with one more chapter, to give you the benefit of the doubt, but your beta is not keeping you from making any mistakes at all, to say the least...
Hmm, ok so maybe if I review, it'll clear up my stuffy nose? LOL!
So Snape terrorized the Dursleys! Yippee! He should have left them in a full body bind! I'm glad that Harry's out of there though; although, I'm not sure sure whether he's going from the frying pan to the caludron! Looking forward to more.
The reason this chapter needs to be beta'd again, would be that this is NOT my corrected version. :-(
I liked how Harry was woken up with thevision of Oliver Wood shaking him. LoL! It does make more sense for Snape to be a referee in Harry's Quidditch match dream, than to be in his bedroom! Very clever!
This sentence doesn't make much sense: "Wood was shouting at him to look over him one moment..." Look over who?
Also this sentence: "I just went to sleep a couple of hours came one or two hours ago." It doesn't make sense. There are a lot of sentence like that, or ones that have double words to express one thing, which is incorrect English. Also, "whist" is perfectly fine to use in Snape's dialogue, but it is NOT okay to use in the narration. Use "while" instead.
You may want to get more than one beta. This chapter seriously needs to be beta'd again.
| Title: Chapter 2
| 09 Nov 2007 11:31 pm
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| Reviewer: ER (Anonymous)
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It could be a little more organized. It seems in some places that there are words missing. Good start though. Keep writing!
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