A bit better, structurewise, but you still ramble and repeat yourself kind of a lot. Try to read more in English so that your structure will tighten itself up a bit.
I'm not giving up on this story just yet!
I hope you don't feel like I'm flaming you or anything, because that's totally not my intention. I just want to give you some constructive criticism without re-betaing your chapters...
Too cute. Harry doesn't like being called a little boy.
At least Harry gets to drink a nice glass of milk, which I'm sure that he hasn't got very often with the Dursleys.
Good story. Please continue.
| Title: Chapter 3
| 13 Dec 2007 5:22 am
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| Reviewer: honore (Anonymous)
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Please keep going with this one and write more asap. I love this Snape by the way. Thanks
What a great story - I'm looking forward to more!! Harry should have someone in his life that takes care of him, and Severus is perfect for the job - Albus and I agree!! LOL!!
I'm glad that Severus hexed Vernon - if anyone deserves a hexing it's that Muggle!! I wonder if Dobby will be able to find Harry at Severus', or if these house elves will keep him away?! Looking forward to finding out!!
Scarlett
This is a lot, a lot, a lot better! Great job!! i really liked how Snape took Harry home, and told him to go to bed after drinking some milk. How sweet! However, I don't think that Harry crying is very in character, twelve years old or not. It makes him too girly in a way.
I enjoyed this chapter. It was good. Thank you for sharing it, and I hope that you will be able to beta the other two chapters. :)
I kind of like this - it needs some work, but I think it's great that you are trying to write a story. We all need to start somewhere, and the fact that you make time to write says that you want to improve. And in the end, you should always write because you enjoy it.
As I tell all my students, the more you write the better your writing gets. If you find yourself having a lot of typos, print your work and try reading it in hardcopy. My own work always has a few mistakes that I cannot see - I go back later and fix those, and you can do the same. Just keep at it. And email me if you have any serious questions.
I did like the part where Snape told Harry to drink his milk because that's what all little boys do. It's sort of like what I tell the children I nanny for - "Time for bed because kids need sleep."
Please keep writing.
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