I think this story is kind of cute actually. It's definatly funny. Poor Harry, the kid needs a break. Go Snape! Stupid Vernon *grr* Post again soon. I have to comment that in the last few chapters, this onne was fine though, there was some extra words and it made it a bit confusing.
| Title: Chapter 4
| 04 Jan 2008 11:29 pm
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| Reviewer: veritas427 (Anonymous)
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Hmm...interesting idea for a story. I can't wait to find out what happens next. But if I could make a suggestion, do a quick check over the writing before posting, as it looks like sometimes you were thinking about changing a word, and so there will be two consecutive words in a row that are the different words, but hold the same meaning. As a hint, sometimes it helps if you read the story or chapter outloud to yourself, it sounds kind of crazy, but it usually helps me when I am writing something for school or in other instances. It really helps to catch any errors that are left. Great job though! I can't wait to find out what Snape plans on saying to Dumbledore. Also, I wonder where Harry will be living for the summer, Snape's quarters at Hogwarts or the summer manor. I hope that you will update soon! Thanks for writing! Have a great day!
Dumbledore backed into a corner by Snape and McGonagall. This should prove interesting... Anyways, keep up the good work!
Good story. Please continue.
| Title: Chapter 3
| 13 Dec 2007 5:22 am
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| Reviewer: honore (Anonymous)
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Please keep going with this one and write more asap. I love this Snape by the way. Thanks
What a great story - I'm looking forward to more!! Harry should have someone in his life that takes care of him, and Severus is perfect for the job - Albus and I agree!! LOL!!
I'm glad that Severus hexed Vernon - if anyone deserves a hexing it's that Muggle!! I wonder if Dobby will be able to find Harry at Severus', or if these house elves will keep him away?! Looking forward to finding out!!
Scarlett
The reason this chapter needs to be beta'd again, would be that this is NOT my corrected version. :-(
This is a lot, a lot, a lot better! Great job!! i really liked how Snape took Harry home, and told him to go to bed after drinking some milk. How sweet! However, I don't think that Harry crying is very in character, twelve years old or not. It makes him too girly in a way.
I enjoyed this chapter. It was good. Thank you for sharing it, and I hope that you will be able to beta the other two chapters. :)
I liked how Harry was woken up with thevision of Oliver Wood shaking him. LoL! It does make more sense for Snape to be a referee in Harry's Quidditch match dream, than to be in his bedroom! Very clever!
This sentence doesn't make much sense: "Wood was shouting at him to look over him one moment..." Look over who?
Also this sentence: "I just went to sleep a couple of hours came one or two hours ago." It doesn't make sense. There are a lot of sentence like that, or ones that have double words to express one thing, which is incorrect English. Also, "whist" is perfectly fine to use in Snape's dialogue, but it is NOT okay to use in the narration. Use "while" instead.
You may want to get more than one beta. This chapter seriously needs to be beta'd again.
Nice start! For some reason, I feel like maybe this has been translated from another language. Do you speak another language?
Well I liked how Snape waited and bottled his potions, before visiting Harry. it was nice how he was too curious not to.
I do not like the thoughts in the story, they seemed awkward, and strange. You might want to try writing them more like dialogue, as if the person were actually talking to another person. They feel a little random and disjointed the way they are. For example, "Ha, no! Wait where was I?" compared to Harry suddenly felt confused, 'Where am I?'. It has a different voice and feeling. Usually when thoughts are used as dialogue, they use the single quotation marks, like you use, but when they are more like thoughts, they are italicized,. But that's a style thing.
I really liked how Snape just walked into Harry's room, saw the bars, and then told Harry to wake up. Not many people have Harry resting like that. Nice ending to the chapter!
Author's Response: Thanks for the advice and the review, I hope that the next update is better and you'll feel it too.
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