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Reviews For Harry Potter and the Princes of Slytherin
-Elise
I liked how you started your story right away, without the usual set-up and explanations. The action started immediately, and throughout the chapter you avoid excessive exposition and over-writing, unlike...*cough*...a certain children's author...*cough, cough* I also liked how Harry was shown as driven. He's active, trying to save Snape, rather than just *there,* being passive, letting things happen to him. It makes him appealing from his very first appearance in the story. "He laughed, and his minions flinched." What a clear and clever way to show the menace of Voldemort. The fact that something as innocuous as a laugh makes his servants flinch says so much about this character. I love it when writers don't take the expected route--it would have been so easy to have the Death Eaters flinch as Voldemort did something typically cruel. Your alternative was unusual and delightful. Harry is completely believable as someone who would want to save Snape's life, even if he hates the man. Dumbledore is both gentle and commanding. He didn't even have to say anything to overcome Snape and Harry's objections to Occlumency lessons: he sees right into their souls, and they realize exactly why they shouldn’t object, and give in. So cool, and perfectly in character. Snape is much like I envision him: cruel and menacing, but hints that he is hiding self-doubts and uncertainties. Since you mention you like (or at least don't mind) harsh critiques, I'll mention a few things to work on: While Snape was very close to his canon character, in a few places he was too Snape-ish. Too often, he was sneering and taking house points. If you take a few behavioral patterns of a character and use them too much, it comes across as a stereotypical version of that character. (Dumbledore's twinkling eyes is another behavioral landmine, which you've nicely avoided.) You may want to vary Snape's reactions more. POV: Harry "does not notice" a trace of uncertainty in Snape's voice. Yet, if we're perceiving the world from Harry's eyes, how can we see that he doesn't notice something? It would be better to have Harry notice--and deal with how this conflicts with his presumptions about Snape--or to show Snape's uncertainty through voice or body language that Harry misinterprets. There's also one paragraph where you switch to Snape's thoughts, even though 99% of the chapter is from Harry's POV. I'd recommend either doing alternating POVs (but only alternate POV when the scene or chapter changes) or writing only from Harry's POV. You might lose some information on the other characters' thoughts, but you gain greater emotional connection to the main character. I was confused by this sentence: "He turned his face to the flagstones, away from the light, not caring about the bloody scratches on his cheeks, as he tried to muffle his sobs." I'm not sure where the light is coming from (a lamp or the spell?) and I'm reading about how Harry doesn't care about the scratches before I even knew he had them. How he got the scratches was explained later, but it would be good to clarify it here. This is also an excellent place for sensory descriptions--in other words, describing how things sound, feel, smell or taste rather than only how they look. It's another way to make your scene vivid. In conclusion, if you find any of my comments disheartening, please ignore me! I never, ever want to discourage a writer from writing. I just think that even the best writers should always be striving to polish their prose further. Thank you for sharing your work! Despite my harshness (?), I think you have an excellent writing style, and I look forward to future chapters! Author's Response: Your critique of OotP in your summary made me laugh. Ah, that does happen to me. It was unintentional. I'm glad you were entertained? It seems we have similar objections to Jo Rowling's prose. I also liked how Harry was shown as driven. I have always seen Harry to be a proactive person. He feels the need to defend the right, for he has experienced too much of the bystander in his life. (Hence his attempt to save Snape, whatever their personal history.) I'm glad you like my Dumbledore. So many people seem to dislike him. I feel rather badly for him, actually. It must be lonely at the top. Thank you for the critiquing! I am grateful to people who point out ways i can improve. I'll be sure to watch out for the Snape-isms. He's a hard character to write, at least for me. Too Slytherin! I think I may have been attempting to strike a balance between author-omniscient and Harry's POV. I have trouble telling how much needs to be explained. My teachers often tell me that I assume too much, that what I think is common knowledge is more specialized than I realize. I must be overcompensating. "He turned his face to the flagstones, away from the light, not caring about the bloody scratches on his cheeks, as he tried to muffle his sobs." I was trying (and failing, apparently) to illustrate how Harry tries to hide his grief, turning away from the light, because no one can see his tears in the dark. To him, it is more important than no one see his pain, than to keep away from harm. I may have tried to pack a single sentence with too much analogy. I'm not sure where the light is coming from (a lamp or the spell?) Ah, I had assumed that the office would have overhead lighting, as Snape grades homework in there. Perhaps it is not canonically accurate? I will endeavor to find out, though it seems too minor a detail to have made it on record. It wasn't disheartening at all! You're much nicer than I am, I think, at least in critiquing/editing. I write fanfiction mostly as practice, to polish my prose; I am also working on some original fiction. Thank you very much for taking the time; I am glad you found enough here to your liking that you will continue reading. Pax vobiscum, Aethyr |
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