I like that Snape got a second chance. And like how he thinks on his feet exp. after be question about wanting to deliver the letter.
I hope harry's in gryffindor. i've read slytherin harry stories and i don't like them as well... tho i don't see that in the warnings so i'm guessing it's not going to happen? malfoy is still going to be a git, after all, and it's not like harry's any different than he was. he didn't want to be in slytherin cuz he didn't want to be w/ malfoy. early black escape would be cool, tho i'd rather harry live w/ snape.
i love the idea of snape going back in time. as a master occlumens, tho, i would think that snape would know better than to say quite as much as he did. maybe mention that harry might have been shielded from the wizarding world, but the entire story he was told? riddiculous. snape would know better. if the story actually got out later, they would either think harry had heard it from snape and was lying, or they would think snape really did know and his concerns for harry weren't genuine.. just saying. you asked for something meaningful, right?
Second chances are wonderful things so long as the person takes advantage of them. It looks to me like Sev is going to take advantage of his second chance. I liked how he explained his "change of heart" in particular. Very Slytherin of him to use the actual truth even if he's the only one to know that it is the truth. I also liked the little ocmments about hte other staff members and the description of what each would be doing in the staff meeting. I couldn't help but chuckle at that.
That said, I found a few spots where you used the wrong form of a word or the wrong spelling in the case of sound-alike words ("I'm bear a degree of responsibility for Harry..." should have been I bear a degree of responsibility for Harry..." and "only Dumbledore new about..." instead of "only Dumbledore knew about..."). I don't know if you rely on your word processor's spellcheck exclusively, but you might want to have someone else proofread before posting as more than a few of these kind of errors can throw your reader out of the story.
The storyline is a really nice idea and I like how you are handling the character of Severus. I look forward to seeing how he deals with the Dursleys when he goes to get Harry.
| Title: Prologue & Chapter 1
| 27 May 2008 9:07 pm
|
| Reviewer: graenr (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
As others have said, a compelling beginning with a lot of potential. I will also second the request for more of Snape's internal dialogue/emotional conflict, that could have made these two chapters so much more than just setting-up an alternate universe.
You do desperately need a beta. The errors are egregious, distracting and occasionally cause you to say the opposite of what you logically must intend due to double negatives. I'm left wondering if spoken English is your native tongue (spoken because some of your errors are common to those whose first language is ASL).
Author's Response: English is my first language believe it or not. My problems in communicating is due to the fact that I suffer from a mild form of autism. Its sometimes so frustrating. I know what I want to say but I can't word it right and people end up thinking I haven't any clue or worse, I get them confused. Expressing myself is hard. I either over analaze what I want to say, or don't analaze it at all. That's one of the reasons I'm trying my hand at writing stories. I need the pratice.
You've got a few misspellings. It helps sometimes to read over the chapter backwards. I do that with my stuff.
I like this story, there where a couple mistakes. One was: "living you with that scare on your forehead..." should read: leaving you with that scar on you forehead. That is basically what the mistakes I found looked like. Read over once and these mistakes should be fine. Otherwise this is a great story.
Author's Response: A couple, you mean several... I'm going to have someone proof read my work and have all my mistakes corrected before I get chapter 3 published.
| Title: Prologue & Chapter 1
| 27 May 2008 12:49 am
|
| Reviewer: Nightshade (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
I LOVE THIS STORY SO FAR!!!!!!!!!!! I think your doing a great job, and i hope you update soon.
Thank you very much for coming up with this story.
| Title: Prologue & Chapter 1
| 26 May 2008 11:23 pm
|
| Reviewer: Lissa (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
A compelling beginning. Needs to be betaed because it is riddled with errors.
Author's Response: I know, any volenteers?
| Title: Prologue & Chapter 1
| 26 May 2008 9:50 pm
|
| Reviewer: Elfwyn (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
The storyline is moving along nicely except for the prevalent use of homonyms; seams vs seems and incorrectly used words. Also Snapes vocabulary is off, he doesn't use contraction and has a more formalize speech pattern. He doesn't talk down to children so he wouldn't change his vocabulary for them, rather he would explain words a child wouldn't know if he wanted to be nice. As for where you take the story...as long as it is not an repeat of cannon work that has been done to death and very boring anything goes and would be exciting. I have yet to see a story were Ron ends up in Slytherin with Harry, and in some ways he is very Slytherin. Perhaps having both of them there would be different and work at still uniting the houses as he has family in Gryff and they couldn't be traditional enemies.
|