Potions and Snitches
Snape and Harry Gen Fanfiction Archive

Title: Prologue & Chapter 1 26 May 2008 9:19 pm
Reviewer: Elfwyn (Anonymous) [Report This]
    The concept is nice but the while not the worst could certainly use a beta. You have words like: assignation instead of assassination; great instead of greet; meat instead of meet. A few sentences are just off, for instance the one about Snape's guilt should have read something like this, "When a person with such guilt as shown true remorse as you have the fates will grant a second chance." Hope this helps and don't give up.
Title: Prologue & Chapter 1 26 May 2008 9:01 pm
Reviewer: Foolish Wishmaker (Signed) [Report This]
    Very creative, with a lot of possibilities open. It's a great start, and could turn out to be an awesome story.

    It really pulled me in as a reader and makes me want to see what happens next. Especially with poor unsuspecting Harry who is about to get a whole lot more Snape in his life. LOL

    Constructive criticism:

    So far everyone seems to be mostly in character, although Snape's reaction to being dumped into the past with a mission to change the future seems... nonexistent. We really don't get any sense of how he feels. Part of that is because you are using too much passive voice instead of active, which means you are telling us and not showing us what happens. Show us how Snape feels, don't just tell us what he's doing. It will make the story flow much better and make Snape's actions more meaningful.

    At least in this chapter, there is not a lot of conflict. Again, I think this has to do with not knowing how Snape feels... he seems to just go along with everything, with no thoughts or feelings of his own. He got dumped into the past and he is just going on with his life like absolutely nothing happened. I think some emotional conflict would help... there seems to be no REAL conflict -- Dumbledore doesn't refuse to let Snape get Harry, for example -- but you can still inject some conflict within Snape himself.

    As far as the presentation of the story... I think you need to split up some of those large paragraphs. Long paragraphs tend to be dreary and readers start skipping ahead, not actually reading everything.

    Lastly, this DESPERATELY needs a beta, or at least you need to look over it and pay very careful attention to homophones, tense, contractions, omitted words, and run-on sentences.

    I think you have a great start here, so hopefully you can find a beta and... continue! :-)
Title: Prologue & Chapter 1 26 May 2008 7:38 pm
Reviewer: Shannon (Anonymous) [Report This]
    Looks interesting so far, but a few things:

    "assignation attempt" - I think you mean assassination attempt? Assignation has a completely different meaning...

    "I'm bare a degree of responsibility" - I think you mean "I bear a degree of responsibility". It makes more sense that way.

    Anyway, I'm off to read your second chapter.
Title: Prologue & Chapter 1 26 May 2008 5:00 pm
Reviewer: graynavarre (Signed) [Report This]
    Oops, Severus told him about the Sorting Hat. I thought that that was supposed to be secret.

    Author's Response: Read chapter three when I publish it to find out how the Sorting Hat reacted to that.
Title: Prologue & Chapter 1 26 May 2008 4:47 pm
Reviewer: graynavarre (Signed) [Report This]
    You have me hooked. I want more. I am also glad that Severus is going to get over his hatred of Sirius in order to get him out of prison. Of course, it seems that he is doing it for Harry, not for Sirius, but that is okay.

    I like idea that Severus' was honest with Harry about the prophecy. A lot of Harry's problems came from people not telling him the truth. The only problem I see is that only two people are supposed to know the prophecy - how will he explain to Harry later on how he knew and how he used the information.

    More, more, more.

    Author's Response: Well, remember, in canon, Snape knows of the prophecy but only knows part of it. At this point in time, the only person who knows the entire prophecy is Dumbledore. As for Severus getting Sirius out of prison, yes, its more for Harry then anything else.
Title: Prologue & Chapter 1 26 May 2008 11:56 am
Reviewer: Keats (Anonymous) [Report This]
    I like the concept of your story ... it has many possibilities. As was pointed out it would be best for Ron to remain friends with Harry but more so I would like to see Hermione as well – Snape knows that Hermione is “the brightest witch of their age” and knows what she is capable of and should try to have her part of the team as well, if the three of them were to get into Slytherin then Snape could guide them. With proper guidance and training all three could be very powerful. However to get Hermione into Slytherin he would have to talk with her beforehand – you could have him meet her in Diagon Alley or go to meet her and her parents at home or something – Snape knows he has to get the best team together.
    Didn’t like the concept of Harry’s wand being made of his own hair – that was really strange – you could have made it a duel core or just a different magical creature like a Basilisk
    Watch your spelling and grammar and don’t rush your story, great concept take your time and write it, it could be great. Looking forward to your next chapter.

    Author's Response:

    Well, Snape is going to try and get the "dream team" to form in this new timeline. He does something in chapter 3 that will help. I won't give any details.

    As for Harry's wand, I wanted something I haven't seen done before. If someone had Harry have awand similar to the one in this story, please tell me because I'm curious.


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