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Reviews For Snape's Second Chance
It really pulled me in as a reader and makes me want to see what happens next. Especially with poor unsuspecting Harry who is about to get a whole lot more Snape in his life. LOL Constructive criticism: So far everyone seems to be mostly in character, although Snape's reaction to being dumped into the past with a mission to change the future seems... nonexistent. We really don't get any sense of how he feels. Part of that is because you are using too much passive voice instead of active, which means you are telling us and not showing us what happens. Show us how Snape feels, don't just tell us what he's doing. It will make the story flow much better and make Snape's actions more meaningful. At least in this chapter, there is not a lot of conflict. Again, I think this has to do with not knowing how Snape feels... he seems to just go along with everything, with no thoughts or feelings of his own. He got dumped into the past and he is just going on with his life like absolutely nothing happened. I think some emotional conflict would help... there seems to be no REAL conflict -- Dumbledore doesn't refuse to let Snape get Harry, for example -- but you can still inject some conflict within Snape himself. As far as the presentation of the story... I think you need to split up some of those large paragraphs. Long paragraphs tend to be dreary and readers start skipping ahead, not actually reading everything. Lastly, this DESPERATELY needs a beta, or at least you need to look over it and pay very careful attention to homophones, tense, contractions, omitted words, and run-on sentences. I think you have a great start here, so hopefully you can find a beta and... continue! :-)
"assignation attempt" - I think you mean assassination attempt? Assignation has a completely different meaning... "I'm bare a degree of responsibility" - I think you mean "I bear a degree of responsibility". It makes more sense that way. Anyway, I'm off to read your second chapter.
Author's Response: Read chapter three when I publish it to find out how the Sorting Hat reacted to that.
I like idea that Severus' was honest with Harry about the prophecy. A lot of Harry's problems came from people not telling him the truth. The only problem I see is that only two people are supposed to know the prophecy - how will he explain to Harry later on how he knew and how he used the information. More, more, more. Author's Response: Well, remember, in canon, Snape knows of the prophecy but only knows part of it. At this point in time, the only person who knows the entire prophecy is Dumbledore. As for Severus getting Sirius out of prison, yes, its more for Harry then anything else.
Didn’t like the concept of Harry’s wand being made of his own hair – that was really strange – you could have made it a duel core or just a different magical creature like a Basilisk Watch your spelling and grammar and don’t rush your story, great concept take your time and write it, it could be great. Looking forward to your next chapter. Author's Response: Well, Snape is going to try and get the "dream team" to form in this new timeline. He does something in chapter 3 that will help. I won't give any details. As for Harry's wand, I wanted something I haven't seen done before. If someone had Harry have awand similar to the one in this story, please tell me because I'm curious. |
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