| Title: Chapter 14 - Summer After First Year
| 27 Mar 2014 6:51 am
|
| Reviewer: mysinger (Signed)
| [Report This]
|
Good chapter! I have noticed one very positive difference in your story from canon. "Grandpa" Albus(possibly because he knows and loves Harry),is not putting Harry in harms way in order to test him. Well done!
Well I think I know who poisoned Big Harry. Ron is really awful in this story, so it wouldn't surprise me if he was the one. Great story! Very entertaining and well written.
Keep writing this please???????????????
SHB
Cool story!! Look forward to the next update.
Sirius & Sev together will be fun
It must be fun to know everything and shock Minerva, Sev and Albus in turns.
| Title: Chapter 14 - Summer After First Year
| 12 Apr 2013 12:31 pm
|
| Reviewer: Epoch (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
So, I had a really long review typed in, full of praise and constructive criticism, and then my browser ate it. Argh! Here is the gist of it: I have really enjoyed this story so far. I'd been looking forward to hearing how the characters would react to old Harry's first year journal since young Harry's first year started, but I was a bit disappointed in how that turned out. See, this chapter reminds me of the "read-along" fad on fanfiction dot net, stories where Harry and whoever adopted/kidnapped/rescued him before first year would read the Harry Potter books together. The format is very similar: a couple of paragraphs from the book, a couple of lines of dialogue with character reactions, repeat. Yours is much better, since you have Harry's first year in his own words, but the feel is similar. I have a couple of suggestions for avoiding that feel for when you write the journal chapter after young Harry's second year.
First, try putting longer passages from the journal, and then all the dialogue about that whole passage together. For example, when old Harry went after the stone, all of the teachers said basically the same thing: "My challenge was the same, except young Harry didn't have to use it." It would have been smoother to have the journal passage about all the challenges, and then all the reactions. Instead of having three people say the same thing, you could have one say it and then write that the other two nodded in agreement (or something like that). Besides, Snape was the one reading aloud. Would Snape put up with people interrupting him every three sentences? Would anybody? Heck no!
Another thing that would take away the read-along fic feel is to only keep the truly interesting character reactions. For example, when Minerva was shocked that her other self turned them away, that was interesting. However, when various characters said "That was the same," or "That was different," without any opinions or theories, it didn't add anything. Your readers already know where your story differed from canon, so it would be OK to just leave those out.
Keep writing! I want to hear about the meetings in the Founders Chamber in second year, and I want to know if I figured out who poisoned old Harry!
Author's Response: Thank you for the advice and taking the time to review. I will keep your advice in mind when I write the next chapter comparing old with new.
| Title: Chapter Thirteen - First Year
| 19 Jun 2012 8:50 am
|
| Reviewer: JWOHPfan (Signed)
| [Report This]
|
Loved it!!!
Author's Response: Thank you glad you liked it.
That was a great chapters with a few minor errorss I'd love to Beta if the position is free!
Author's Response: I would greatly appreciate if you could Beta for me. Please contact me at the email address that is in the Author's Note with a way to contact you. I tried clicking on contact on your profile but it came up error all the time. Will try again later in the day. Thank you for the compliment.
|