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Reviews For Bitter Sweet Revenge
Nice long chapter too! I'm looking forward to see where you are going with this story. Author's Response: thank you for your review, I seem to like making Harry show his Slytherin side more
Severus woke the next morning thinking about what he was going to to for the little trouble maker's birthday today. ' the boy needs a companion' he thought.' and maybe a new wardrobe, because all he wares is clothes that hang off him unless he wares his school uniform' he added in his head Severus got out of bed gather some clothes and headed into his bathroom to take a shower. Thoughts using ' is fine, but they must use the same punctuation as quotation marks, and all the same grammar. You are missing periods, and you are missing words. Things like "i" and "snape" are not capitalized. This really should not be. If you are having problems catching these things when you edit your story, then you need to find a beta reader to help correct your work for you. You can find one by posting a message on the Potions and Snitches yahoo group, and there are websites dedicated to beta services that I'm sure you can find if you search for them. Making the chapters shorter may help too, because then you wouldn't have as much to go through. Your story has a lot of great potential, and could be very enjoyable so please keep working on it, and don't give up! :) Your story could be very good.
The chapter was good but almost too long. I like long chapters but you put too much in one reading. It probably would have worked better as two chapters. Other than some spelling errors and the lenght, I am enjoying it. Harry needs to get over his snit and start trying to behave and get well Looking forward to more. Author's Response: sorry i confused you, yes Melissa is Severus full sister their father Tobias made her live in the attic because he did not want to acknowledge that he had a daughter, and refuse to let Eileen tell Severus that he had a sister , Melissa left Spinner's End at age 17 when Tobias had left for the day.
Severus Snape looked down at the boy " Yes Potter , you are lucky I got here at the right time or you would have killed yourself from that fall, what were you running from Potter?" Snape asked the boy before he passes out again. Quotation marks should always be touching the opening letter of dialogue, and commas should always touch the word before them (like periods) so it should be like this: Severus Snape looked down at the boy, "Yes Potter, you are lucky..." There always has to be some sort of punctuation before the opening quotation of dialogue (and a space afterwards, not before) unless it starts a new paragraph. New paragraphs should be started whenever a new person speaks. Periods should end every thought, commas should only be used to link partial thoughts, otherwise it creates a run on sentence. So it should be like this: "...you are lucky I got here at the right time or you would have killed yourself from that fall. What were you running from, Potter?" Watch your tenses: Snape asked the boy before he passes out again. this is a tricky sentence, I know, but you have a past tense, and a present tense, and those should not be mixed in the narrative. Good story idea, and keep working on it! :)
I hope you're going to put this on fanfaiction.net, I never manage to get the alerts working here.
Author's Response: I am glad you liked the first chapter, I will posting the second chapter soon after i fix it |
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