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Reviews For Stormcaller
Now on to the next chapter.
I hope that Lily and Sev can become a real family and that Harry doesn't die or go mad because of his powers. It was a beautifully done chapter. Oh, and to the anon. reviewer who left a review before me: You need to quite telling the author how to write her story. This fanfiction, not canon, and that means the author can write the characters any way she likes. If she doesn't want Lily to mourn that fathead James, that's her choice and either you accept it or just quit reading. If you have a problem with the way the story is written, just leave it alone. Why bother reading and reviewing? Or if you think you can write so much better, write your own damn story and quit harassing the author.
How does Lily mourn for James when she is in a coma? I just can't get past that point. It's too convenient for me to believe it. As a writer, you want the readers to feel emotion when reading the story, but you can go too far. Hundreds of words could be deleted from this chapter, and it would probably make it more effective. All the fluff is overkill and makes everything fall emotionally flat, which is probably not your intended outcome. Now for the grammar. You have multiple run on sentences. Too many to list, but here is one example: "His face was all angles and his nose slightly prominent, he might have been forbidding if he had been scowling, but right then Severus was wearing a concerned expression, and so Harry was not afraid of this strange man." It's okay to use shorter sentences and that one could probably be made into 3 or 4. Go easy on the commas. Periods are your friend. Another thing that you do is switch POVs way too often. I can never tell whose head I'm in. Which POV are you trying to show a scene from? You should pick a character and stay there. If you feel you need to change, make that clear to the reader. The way you're doing things now is very confusing and distracting. Author's Response: I guess you didn't bother reading my response to your first review, which was to let you know that this is an AU universe and characters in it don't act like their canon selves. So your assumption that Lily should grieve differently for James is wrong. Lily made a mistake when she married James and she does not love him as you assume. That should have been clear from the fact that she has moved on after his death. people in comas can understand things that are spoken to them and assimilate them in their subcosncious mind. Plus, as I stated already, she knew James was dead and accepted the fact. That she isn't obviously mourning him should tell you that she wasn't deeply in love with him. That her heart belonged to someone else. Secondly why should I limit myself to one POV? As a writer I have a choice to show multiple POV's and not just one so you can see the characters better. I don't know why you find it confusing, I clearly start out with Lily remembering what happened to her and mourning her lost time with Harry while waiting for Severus to return from checking on Harry. Then I move from her to the conversation between Snape and Harry. You get two POV's here because I want you to see both characters reactions. Then they go to see Lily and I divide the scene between the two again so you can see how the moment affects both Harry and Lily, and lastly you also get Sev's reaction because he is also important. Lastly I don't know why you are still reading this if you don't like either my writing, my portrayal of characters, or anything else about the way this story is going?
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