| Title: Chapter 2
| 19 Aug 2014 4:43 am
|
| Reviewer: Jtz (Signed)
| [Report This]
|
| Title: Chapter 2
| 02 Jun 2014 2:58 pm
|
| Reviewer: Fmh (Signed)
| [Report This]
|
Lovely start to the story I love your petulant Severus he's a treat,
Severus is being a real jerk...but hopefully he'll get his head out of his behind soon!
I can't believe you had him leave Harry there after what he saw and heard!!!! That makes you as bad as they are!!!!! If this doesn't change by the next chapter, I'm done reading, though I doubt that matters to you as others will undoubtedly keep reading!
Great start! I noticed that the tense of writing changed every so often from present to past to present. And there were some typos and such, the errors make it a little hard to read and enjoy. You may want to look into finding a beta. But the storyline is good, the characterizations spot on. I am intrigued by the plot and background.
I really liked how Harry ran away, how Snape found him. I like that he is going to write him a letter, perhaps. This is a new and unique storyline and I look forward to reading more.
poor harry. i can't really work up any empathy for severus right now...
| Title: Chapter 2
| 29 Apr 2011 9:42 am
|
| Reviewer: heartstar (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
lol OH My LOL poor Sev! forced intoacting like a first year!lol
I really like your writing style! Your ideas are really unique, and I am very much looking forward to more! As for pointers ... I must say is that there are a few little errors here an there (both in chapter 1 and 2) that were obviously just little things that got looked over. Perhaps go back and read the two chapters aloud so you catch those slippery little buggers. ;) Another thing was that I noticed your dialogue was formatted incorrectly on occasion. For example "Did I not just say so?" He spat. The he should not be capitalized (I know, it seems odd, right) so it should be "Did I not just say so?" he spat. Anyways, the best thing for you to do probably (I know this helped me a lot) would be to look up formatting dialogue on the internet. I just thought I would mention the dialogue because nobody told me I was making mistakes with it for a really long time and then I had to go back an fix stuff, which took ages. Hopefully this was helpful, and please write more of this story because you had me swept away before the end of the first chapter! Thank you for the lovely story, and sorry if I annoyed you at all with the whole punctuation police thing! :)
I love it so far! Great beginning. Keep it up!
|