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Reviews For Everything Is Not What It Seems
I liked how Lily appeared to Snape, how happy he was to see her. You did a good job conveying his emotions there. You have a good feel for the characters, I felt that they were all in character. A couple of things to work are around speaking and sentence structure. An example of speaking: "Yes child, rest. I'll bring you to Pomfrey" Severus said. add a comma right before the last set of quotation marks, like so: "Yes child, rest. I'll bring you to Pomfrey," Severus said. You will notice that Severus is capitalized, but if you used something else like he or she, it would be lower case: "Yes child, rest. I'll bring you to Pomfrey," he said. If there is no "he said," "she said," then you just end the sentence with normal punctuation (. ! or ?), like so: "Yes child, rest. I'll bring you to Pomfrey." Also please make sure that every sentence is complete. There should always be a subject and it should be able to stand alone. If you read it outloud by itself, it should make sense. For example, this sentence does not have a subject: Swearing that Harry Potter would never have to return to Privet Drive. To make it complete it would have to be written as, Snape swore that Harry Potter would never have to return to Privet Drive. Here is a website that can explain better about complete sentences: http://libweb.surrey.ac.uk/library/skills/Grammar%20Guide%20Leicester/page_02.htm All in all this is a good start! You may want to look into finding a beta editor to read your work and correct it before you publish. Many authors use them. Who are the main characters in your story? The characters that the story is mostly about? It seems like a ton of characters are selected in the story info, please edit it to select only the main characters. Thank you for writing and sharing your work. It takes a lot of bravery to put yourself out there like that. It's a great start, and it can only get better. :)
Just a couple small notes. Your chapter was mostly in the past tense, but occasionally you switched into present tense. Also, direct address is always set off by commas. I noticed a few times where those commas were missing. I get the feeling that it's a bit rushed. That will come with time and practice, but it feels like it deserves more time than you're giving it. Keep up the writing! Author's Response: Thanks for the advice, I'll be sure to keep that in mind for future chapters xx |
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