This is beautiful. Too often fanfictions are riddled with grammatical errors and plain, boring language. Your sentence structure is excellent, and the variety in language is wonderful. A very nice, unique concept as well. I commend you on a job very well done.
im in shock...
oh, nice chapter. on to the next one!
*shrieks* Dead Harry!!?? Geeze, you gave me chills just then. I love this so far! I commend you!
| Title: An Unfortunate Chance Meeting
| 12 Jul 2006 10:45 pm
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| Reviewer: Kane (Anonymous)
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this is good but the one thing i notice is that you keep saying powderized instead of powdered
| Title: An Unfortunate Chance Meeting
| 12 Jul 2006 10:44 pm
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| Reviewer: Charl (Anonymous)
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This story is so good!!! The best i've read in a quite a while!!! Your writing style distinctly echoes JKR's..but has it's own original talent. I LOVE IT!!! Can't wait for more!!! Ten stars!!!!!
| Title: An Unfortunate Chance Meeting
| 07 Jul 2006 5:29 pm
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| Reviewer: Ellipsis (Anonymous)
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awsome story so far... have you ever read Yu Yu Hakisho (sp?) because you begining chapter is very simmilar, oh well...
| Title: An Unfortunate Chance Meeting
| 23 Mar 2005 7:25 am
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| Reviewer: Jan_AQ (Signed)
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This is a really great first chapter! I am impressed. :) Your characterization of Harry is very well-rounded. You managed to put the important stuff in, while still giving him the 3d feel of a real character larger than what he is in the books. I love the little details you managed to work in, making the narration, characters and setting that much better and real. It was a little weird reading about Dudley taking up most of the space in the backseat as it's hard for me to imagine such an obese person. XD I don't know, it might have been easier if the car had been described as one of those small British compact ones... It's really scary to watch the Dursley's allow their son to become so fat and think it normal. I think that there's something seriously wrong with them. You really managed to capture the mood and mystery when Harry first started walking to the Leaky Cauldron and the mysterious shadow was following. Good job! After this line "Harry knew he had to investigate and find out who it was he thought he saw." I was mentally screaming No, Harry! Don't do it! I mean, he had letters from his friends telling him to be careful and no one on his side knew that he was going to Diagon Alley to watch after him... maybe I'm just so paranoid and I expect him to be paranoid too. If I were him I would have started running to the Leaky Cauldron, not gone back to investigate.
Your strength is really in your off-hand descriptions and the ones worked in. The only thing that I think that you could work on where some of the explanation descriptions- for example the part where Harry investigated the side street you used some words too often (like "street") and the part about him "...looking down another street like a constable in one of those American late-night police dramas" was a little distracting in its sentence structure. You also need to go through and fix a few typo/spelling instances. Two words instead of one, a missing punctionation at the end of a sentence, "Usually" instead of "usual", that type of thing.
Your action scenes are incredible. The accident scene was well done too. I feel that you could have added a stronger emotion that would affect the readers when Harry saw himself lying in the road (about the time when the paramedics came by). The scene in the hospital was well done, it moved and got the emotions across of all involved just enough. Poor Harry. What's going to happen next? :) Lucky me, I get to find out. Reading on...
I love it! Are you a Yu Yu Hakusho fan by any chance? Story seems to paralell to the anime... Please update soon!
~Torina
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