| Title: Chapter 7 - Buckbeak I
| 29 Jul 2005 8:18 am
|
| Reviewer: Spiorad (Signed)
| [Report This]
|
Funny chapter! It was great! Loved the end and the part where Hermione was telling Harry about what Dumbledore had threatened to do! LOL!
May I ask where you go the idea to in corperate CP into your fic? I haven never read one like this before other then Dursley abuse. If you know of any others that have this type of disipline in them could you please tell me? I think it would be intesting to read.
Well post more soon!
| Title: Chapter 6 - Affirmation
| 29 Jul 2005 8:09 am
|
| Reviewer: Spiorad (Signed)
| [Report This]
|
Hmm.. intersting chapter. Though I was really surprised to find that Remus was an Occlumens, interesting plot twist. It was strange to hear that Harry was opening up so suddenly. It just doesn't seem likely.
Then again Remus is a close acuaintence, and now friend, so who knows!
Wow another great chapter! You know your English is actually very good. I mean there are a few things here and there but on the whole I think your doing great!
And you know I agree with you about Harry being younger then his actual age emotionaly! You are very right!
Oh and I noticed that you said you liked baby Harry fics, well I'm writing one on FF.net its Called Back to Being a Baby. or you could look up my user name "Spiorad" its the same on ff.net as it is here.
Just thought I'd let you know!
Great chapter!
| Title: Chapter 7 - Buckbeak I
| 28 Jul 2005 2:30 am
|
| Reviewer: 'Mes (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
Loving this story. Like that you have Severus still his snarky self while trying to be a bit calmer and treat Harry better.
Like that Severus is trying to get Harry to control his temper better, it's something he needs. And glad that he found out about Hagrid and then felt he was unfair with the detentions, nice to see him being a bit caring even if he covers it up.
Going on holiday tomorrow but look forward to reading the next update when I get back. Hope you keep writing.
| Title: Chapter 7 - Buckbeak I
| 27 Jul 2005 10:08 pm
|
| Reviewer: Jan_AQ (Signed)
| [Report This]
|
LOL at Ron dozing off with scrambled eggs in his mouth! I liked the image of Lupin's smiling face sitting next to Snape every morning, even if it was the absence of that image. it made him seem Marauderish. :) I think you're missing a word here : "I am sure your dear daddy will not be able to be it back in place". I think that with this line "...You’d better be here in time" you meant "on time" because "in time" means more like someone might not make it at all because they have a lot of other plans and places to be before and afterwards, so they can come late as long as they come with enough time to get done what they need to get done.
The beginning of this chapter was a little bit more fragmented, it wasn't as flowly. I really liked how Harry tried to explain himself to Snape. It was perfect the way Harry wanted to do it but didn't know why and Snape just cut him down as always. I liked Snape's ultimatum, that he told Harry if he "ever acted on impulse again" that he would be in big trouble. Ouuu. *evil grin* And how Harry asked to postpone the detention and Snape just got upset and gave him detention for every day this week? GREAT. Poor Harry. Snape really isn't making this easy for him. I like the little mystery you have here about WHY Hermione and Ron are acting better towards Snape, Ron stopped calling Snape names, ect. The threat Dumbledore told them was crazy! LOL I LOVED how Harry just started bursting out laughing when he was told! You probably should have had Hermione whisper it to Harry though, cause they are in a crowded Great Hall, full of other easedroppers who would love to hear anything about them and the threat really WAS embarrassing. Poor Ron! Poor Hermione! I was SOO imagining that scene, and how they'd probably try to hide in a closet or get to Dumbledore to get it to stop or something, maybe hide under Harry's invisibility cloak so no one would see their embarrassment but they'd still hear the swats of the paddles! LOL! I thought that someone would think that someone put a laughing spell on Harry. Hermione's pumpkin juice dump was great. But wouldn't Harry be all sticky and wet now? I didn't see any mention of anyone using a spell to make him clean again. I think this sentence has a mistake in it: "What the hell would have happened if he had calmly asked the by why he wanted to postpone his detention?" I think you meant to say "boy". The part about Buckbeak's execution seems a little odd. In the book, Buckbeak was to be executed the day of the time-turner, werewolf, Sirius Black escapes incident, and while Sirius seems to have been able to escape without Buckbeak, Buckbeak had already been freed. If Buckbeak was recaptured and the ministry found out and issued another execution date, THEN this would work, but you made no mention of this and I think that you need to add it in. The part where Snape used to pour his heart out to Hagrid as a student seemed a little out of character. I think that being reluctant, adult friends with Hagrid might work better. But i did like that they were friends at least. I LOVE how SNape thinks that Harry needs to learn to control his temper and impulses, when Snape also sometimes lets his anger get the best of him- I found that very realistic and great for future conflict. And Snape taking back his detentions? Great! XD He was so awkward about it too.
"He knew Snape was not there for they have just seen him on his way to Hagrid’s hut." This is the have and had mistake again. You should used "had" here because Harry's present knowledge was given because of a past action of Snape's. Snape did (past tense) go to Hagrid's hut so he "had gone" or they "had seen him." Get it? This is just a tricky part of English. Most people just know how it should sound rather than knowing any rules about it. Same with the "will" and "would" and "get" and "got". If the characters are talking about something that has already happened, a promise they made yesterday or a scene that went on, they need to use the past tense. "Some time" is two words. :)
| Title: Chapter 6 - Affirmation
| 26 Jul 2005 8:26 am
|
| Reviewer: Jan_AQ (Signed)
| [Report This]
|
Lovely emotions came out in this chapter. I loved the moment between Snape and Harry, although I was worried with what Harry said to Snape, thatSnape owuld have scond doubts about it. I wonder what Dumbledore said/did to Ron and Hermione to get them to change their minds about Snape, they seemed rather embarrassed about it. :) I liked that Harry spent some time with Remus and that he feels more secure. This was a great chapter. :) Thanks so much for sharing it.
You are doing amazingly for someone who has had to learn English. Very admirable and writing stories in English is sure to make you better. :) Here are some little things that I noticed that you may need help with:
Has Had and Have. Has is present tense, like "Mike has a a birthday present for you in the other room." Had is past tense, and past tense is what you use in your story narration. "Harry had a toy yesterday but Dudley stole it. He liked it." Have is used more with asking questions: "Do you have a hat? Have you a reason for your tardiness?" Same with -ed and -ing, those are past and present tenses. English people, when saying ages say it like this: "He is 5 years old" or "He is a 5 year old". If there is a "a" then the "years" has to be singular. I know it seems wrong, but that is how every one says it. It means more like "He is on his 5th year." And watch your could, would and was. Those are tricky and also are used differently by British people and Americans so using them right can make your story seem more real. I think that your style seems more British and old fashioned, which is great. Try to contract things in dialouge like "it is" to "it's" especially when Harry or a younger person is speaking because that would be more natural.
| Title: Chapter 5 - WHATTTT?
| 24 Jul 2005 6:49 am
|
| Reviewer: Jan_AQ (Signed)
| [Report This]
|
You've got a typo: "At first she jumped up and was about to lung at his throat..." lunge means to take a leap, strtech out and reach. Lung is the part of your body that gets oxygen. :) In this chapter I liked how the colleague relationship between Snape and McGonagall was showed. I also liked that Hermione and Ron had opposite opinions of this thing that Harry thinks is wonderful- that seemed very in character for them. I think that Harry is still a little off, but the angst was lovely. At first I thought that the crying was a little too weak, but if Harry was crying for all those reasons then it works, you should try to build it up before that though, have Harry realize how stupid he was to believe Snape and such before the crying paragraph because I don't think that it has enough to back it up. I think that your chapter lengths are alright. They don't seem as if nothing has happened, which is what sometimes makes short chapters seem bad. Your cliffhangers are just a little awkward though. You kind of stop in the middle of an action, which the readers can watch and follow to the next conclusion,which makes it a little intrusive and annoying. Cliffhangers are really only successful in a big, powerful revelation or a moment where something major will happen next and the readers are expecting a fall or something.
Thanks for posting these last 2 chapters. :) Good job. I can't wait to see what happens next!
| Title: Chapter 4 - Comfort
| 24 Jul 2005 6:33 am
|
| Reviewer: Jan_AQ (Signed)
| [Report This]
|
Haha thanks! XD You're one great weakness in this chapter is tenses. Past and present get used randomly. The last part of the chapter was really good, it got better as it went along. i did feel like the caring relationship was a little rushed, they seemed a little out of character, but it was still good. I liked it. i'm interested in what happens next. Oh, just so that you know, Betas check work for fun too. :)
| Title: Chapter 5 - WHATTTT?
| 23 Jul 2005 5:15 am
|
| Reviewer: Ari (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
I'm really enjoying this story... I love how everyone is slightly evil and teasing! Can't wait for the next chappie!
| Title: Chapter 5 - WHATTTT?
| 23 Jul 2005 4:43 am
|
| Reviewer: Rachel (Anonymous)
| [Report This]
|
I really love your story and am so happy that you are continuing it. Your story has a lot of originality to it. I am really looking forward to the next update.
|