| Title: Chapter 5 - WHATTTT?
| 22 Jul 2005 11:12 pm
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| Reviewer: 'Mes (Anonymous)
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Really enjoying the story. Like that you have Harry going to stay with Severus for the summer.
Liked the scene with McGonagall & Severus, with Severus worried that Harry'd changed his mind.
Also like that you had Harry fall out a little with Ron & Hermione for discussing him like he wasn't there. Feel sorry for Harry crying, hopefully Severus will comfort him.
Looking forward to the next part. Oh and just want to say that I think your written English is very good even if it isn't your first language; I have a lot of respect that you manage to write so well in a language that is not your own.
| Title: Chapter 5 - WHATTTT?
| 22 Jul 2005 11:06 pm
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| Reviewer: Privet (Anonymous)
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Another excelent chapter once again!
Hmm... If I may ask what is your first language? And even though you are just writing for fun it is a good idea to get a beta because once you do have one and they correct things for you it is more enjoyable to your readers.
| Title: Chapter 4 - Comfort
| 21 Jul 2005 5:28 am
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| Reviewer: R (Anonymous)
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I really like how this story is developing, you seem to have most of the character's personalities down.
Re Author's notes: I quite like your style and your spelling/grammar aren't all that bad. Even though you are writing for fun, I do suggest you get a beta to help you go over stories, and improve on your ideas and wording in general.
Sorry, I reviewed already, but I don't REALLY don't think that you NEED to have a beta reader. Just a little bit of proof-reading. Bye.
Good chapter. Good chapter. I would have liked it if Harry would be a bit more timid around Snape, (He was before the office, but after.) especially when he had mentioned the summer at his house (Even if he was excited). Thanks for the update can't wait for the next.
~Americanpie
p.s. I always wanted to taste myself too!
| Title: Chapter 3 - Antiticipation
| 19 Jul 2005 1:42 pm
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| Reviewer: Jan_AQ (Signed)
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Oh, I forgot to mention that I added a CP warning for you. :)
In this chapter Severus' thoughts were charming. I like that part of your style. The structure of writing flowed along better. :) It was really sweet. I especially like how Dumbledore implied that once shown care or love, HARRY would be the one who would not forget, who would cling to it and want more. I've never seen any writer or character phrase it or infer it that way and it seemed very original to me. What was Dumbledore going to say here "Just to make sure he does not sca .. err .. be ummm bratty again!" was it scare? scar? I'm really curious. I liked bossy Hermione. :) I also really liek dthe scene where Harry broke down and talked abour Siirus, and how happy he could have been, how sad and disapointed he felt now. Those feelings seemed very in character. I think Harry may keep them more to himself, but the fact that he would share them with his friends is also very nice because that means they are closer. Canon Harry would probably try to keep it to himself, but I appreciated this sight into him. Umm, be careful if you use "minutes" in any note of time unless it is literally minutes. You should use moments if it's just some moments. XD "Hermy" as Hermione's nick name is a little out there, sorry. Only Gwap used it and although Harry COULD use it after using it with Ron as a joke to annoy her in the last book, she probably would hate it so he wouldn't use it in normal conversation. "Harry closed her eyes." his. Harry putting his head down and looking at Snape all those times was kind of funny. A little silly. Silly Harry. :) I'm just confused as to if Snape was staring at his own things or glaring at Harry's utensils in front of him. The ending was great. Quite unexpected. I'm excited for the next chapter! :D ron's a prat, but he's in character too so that's good. So what's Snape want to see Harry for? Huh huh? Please update soon! :D I'll give you an 8 for this chapter because while it had some mistakes, it was getting better. If you need a beta you might want to check out "Perfect Imagination", the Harry Potter Fanfiction Beta Reader Directory. But in any case, please keep writing and posting! :)
Author's Response: Jan, I just LOVE you. Thnk you so much. That is much more work and effort than I expected and it is the best way possible to tell me that you really like my story.
I really like ALL your suggestions and I do feel stupid now that read them and can see the logic behind them.
Sorry I cannot answer you in detail because I donot have time, but I dedicated the new chapter to you.
| Title: Chapter 2 - The Hospital Wing
| 19 Jul 2005 12:39 pm
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| Reviewer: Jan_AQ (Signed)
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"Floor" should be "ground" in the first paragraph otherwise we'll think that we are inside. I am so glad that Dumbledore showed up just as Hermione got up to fetch him, the faster timing makes the situation at the end a lot better. I still think that Snape should have put some kind of binding spell on the werewolf though, just in case. I thought that Snape seemed really in character. I loved how Dumbledore's gaze stopped him mid rant. :D Watch your order of " and . because your periods keep ending outside the quotation marks which wouldn't be correct. Your sentences are a little odd again in some places. I'll show you an example. "How come Black is innocent?" would be better structured like this: "How could Black be innocent?". (The punctiation should be inside the quotation marks as in this case the question mark is, but I have a period outside it because the quotes were part of a larger sentence and it just ended.) When having words or sentences cut off (dialouge, like someone interrupting) you can use a - at the end of the word or syllable like so: "What do you mean, you great big-"
"Enough!" Snape bellowed.
I would have expected Snape to be a little more outspoken and adament about Black, to not let Harry run up to him because that's a murderer lying there! And I would think that Harry would plead with Dumbledore to believe that Sirius was innocent right away, I mean Scabbers had just ran off, Sirius' one means of proving his innocence was gone and Dumbledore didn't know yet. I loved how Snape just picked up Ron, but I missed Ron protesting or moaning with pain, the movement would really hurt his broken leg. I expected Harry to go "But what about Sirius?" when they made to move because Harry's like that and it felt missing. I think that Harry would be more worried for Sirius' safety, wanting to know that he'd be coming too or something before agreeing for a run back to the castle. A little interesting that Harry wouldn't do a Patronus when the dememntors were coming at them, if he had attempted it maybe it would have been a bad a idea because the patronus would attract the Dementors like a beacon of light. But maybe he wouldn't have thought of that, merely want to protect them. "No way" is a bit of a teenage American slang term, it seems out of place for the old matronly witch Poppy. XD You wrote "Ms. Grander" by accident. Actually that could be a nice name, I might steal it for an original character. :) You've still got some other errors like "Sirius willed all his despair, grief, and feelings into his eye" when it should be "eyes" and other stuff.
Awwww, I like your fatherly, mentor Dumbledore. An interesting approach, having him be such a figure to all of them but it does seem as if Dumbledore does love the children who have been, are and will be in his school, very much so. Aww, I'm going to get a tear in my eye thinking about it. I LOVED how Harry ran up to Sirius in the hospital and begged to go with him That was kind of heart breaking, but dramatic. Very well done. Be careful of making all the charcters too gentle though, or younger than they should be. Sirius is a little bit too weak, Dumbledore is slightly too gentle. Harry acts a little young, Hermione's crying at every provocation. And like I said before, I loved the scene where Harry basically let go and started screaming not to be parted with his godfather. you might want to fix this line though, "“No, don’t do that, he can’t go, I will go too..” to have "I'll" instead of "I will" because when people scream they usually use contractions, especially young people. The ending of this chapter was great, really great. I really liked it, I had a happy smile on my face. Thanks so much for sharing!!
| Title: The werewolf Incident
| 19 Jul 2005 11:01 am
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| Reviewer: Jan_AQ (Signed)
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Okay since you asked. :) I reread the chapter. Is English your first language? "By better writing" I meant more sentence structure and paragraph structure. It's choppy. It has more to do with style and some of skill. Your lines and thoughts (meaning sentence thoughts as well as the charactes thoughts) in the beginning seem to either cut off or do a little loop and come back upon themselves instead of moving forward, adding more to each other. Sorry, I don't know if I can explain better.) Some people could take the same opening paragraphs and make them flowing and lyrical, or just seem more systemically logical in a way to capture the flow. It's style. I think you will probably improve as the story goes on and you write more, most people do. :) It just takes practice sometimes. I sure know that I need to practice too! XD And watch your tenses and prepositional phrases and such, the how's and was's and others. They get a little bit twitsed up in each other and then the sentence doesn't make sense. You sometimes use the present and past in the wrong places. Watch repetative words. You didn't do the repetative words so badly but I did notice it. If you have three "him"s in close proximity to each other it makes the words seem more apparent, and therefore makes them stick out. Readers will notice and it might kick them out of the story.
I really liked your version of Snape's thoughts, the part when he realized that the trio wasn't horrified of him but by something behind him was hilarious. If the werewolf took him first, the kids will be free to run away.
I got shivers when I read that line. The entire spanking scene was great, nice emotions you invoked there for both the characters and the readers. I think you put "greasy got" when you meant "greasy git". I can totally understand why Ron would be mad at Snape. Harry had just saved him and then Snape punished him for it, a rather embarrassing punishment too. Totally unfair from Ron's perspective. I'm a little iffy about the ending of this chapter only because the werewolf is still there, right infront of them. it could wake up at any time and i'm sure that they would want to get to safety right away, inside the castle. But I really enjoyed this chapter. :)
| Title: Chapter 3 - Antiticipation
| 18 Jul 2005 10:27 pm
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| Reviewer: 'Mes (Anonymous)
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Really glad you are continuing this, I really like it.
Liked the scenes between Dumbledore & Severus, with the headmaster knowing full well that Severus cares for Harry and trying to help him admit it.
Liked reading Harry's thoughts about being punished, with Ron outraged but Harry unsure what to think. And him being confused about his feelings, i.e. being embarrassed at what happened but wanting Severus to be looking at him.
Looking forward to the next chapter, hope you update again soon.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Yeah I agree, I liked writing Harry's feelings too. It was not as difficult as I expected, but very challenging. Enjoy.
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