Harry and Niamh walked up from Arx Serpens in fairly good spirits, laughing over a signing card Pansy Parkinson had given Draco that morning for Valentine’s Day.

“I have no idea Pansy was so – so…”

“Lyrical?”

“Yeah!  She’s a poet and she didn’t know it.”

Harry laughed then froze as they turned into the Great Hall.  Beside him Niamh blanched and moaned, “Tell me I’m not seeing what I think I’m seeing!”

Harry wrinkled his nose and grumbled, “Only if ye tell me tha’.”

“I was afraid you’d say something like that – ”

It looked like someone had let loose a three-year-old in the Hall with pastel paint and a paintbrush.  The normally gray walls were a bright, lurid pink and were covered in flowers of various sizes and bright colors.  The tables were also decorated in flowers and balloons of hot pink, matching the streamers that hung from the ceiling.  And standing in the middle of it all was a beaming Lockhart in lurid pink robes matching the walls.

Niamh scowled and muttered darkly, “I should have known.”

“What the hell?”

Niamh and Harry turned to see Mika standing behind them, gaping in horror at the pastel decorations.

“Lockhart,” growled the white-haired boy.  Harry and Niamh nodded and Mika blanched.

Niamh sighed heavily and said, “C’mon.  I really want to eat breakfast but first – we must kill those flowers and balloons.  And we must do it now.”

“Definitely,” agreed Harry and Mika.

The three of them marched over to the Slytherin table, drawing their wands as they went.  Only two other people were sitting at the table and they were both looking at Lockhart in a sappy sort of way.  Niamh rolled her eyes and growled, “Bints,” before severing the tie on two of the balloons with her wand.  Harry and Mika followed her lead and soon the Slytherin table was free of balloons.  As they sat down, Niamh pointed her wand at some of the flowers and hissed, “Incendio!”  She watched gleefully as they burned, laughing manically.

Mika gave her an incredulous look then leaned over to Harry and whispered, “I she…?”

“Insane?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“Yeh.”

“She obviously does not like flowers.”

“Na pink one’s anyway,” said Harry.  “An’ I agree wi’ her on tha’.” He burned a flower of fluorescent orange to ash while Mika nodded in agreement.  Harry then looked up at the Head Table towards his father, who was sending an icy look of contempt at Lockhart.  If looks could kill, Lockhart would have died at least a thousand times in different horrible deaths each time.  Harry then noticed that empty chairs sitting to Snape’s right and remembered the purse he had snitched off Lockhart.  He winced and turned back to Niamh and Mika, the former of which was burning more of the pastel flowers with a sadistic grin on her face while the latter watched her with a wary look.

“Happy Valentine’s Day!  Thank you to everyone who have sent me cards!”  Lockhart beamed at everyone in the room and continued, “I have taken the liberty of arranging this little surprise for all of you.  But – it doesn’t end here!”

“Oh, still my beating heart,” grumbled Niamh.

Suddenly two lines of short, surly-looking dwarfs with golden wings tied to their backs and harps in their pudgy hands, came marching into the Great Hall.  Mika’s jaw dropped and he gasped, “I can’t believe this.  He got a troupe of performing midgets.”

Niamh let out a snort of laughter at that and was quickly silenced by Harry.

“My friendly, card-carrying cupids!” declared Lockhart with a wide grin and much waving of his arms.

Niamh snorted again and muttered, “Friend my – ”

Harry and Mika clamped their hands over her mouth and earned a Death Glare.

“They shall be roving about the school delivering your valentine’s!  And I’m sure my colleagues will want to join in on the fun!  Why not ask Professor Snape for a Love Potion?  Or – how about asking Professor Flitwick to teach you and Entrancing Enchantment?”

Mika, Harry, and Niamh watched as tiny Professor Flitwick buried his face in his hands and Snape cast an icy glower about the room, as if daring anyone to ask him for a Love Potions.  Harry chuckled and wondered what little tortures could possibly be going on in his father’s head for Lockhart.

/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/

“Look – a wandering dwarf.”

“You mean a wandering midget.”

“Same thing, Mika.”

“No, its not.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, its not.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No…”

“Will both o’ yet shut up?  Ye can call ‘em either thing.”

“Speaking of the wandering midget, it’s coming our way.”

Niamh, Mika, and Harry paused on the stairs, watching as the dwarf made its way through the crowd.

“‘Arry Potter!”

Niamh blinked.  “Harry, the dwarf (she glared at Mika here) seems to be carrying something for you.”

“Oh, bloody ‘ell…”

Harry turned and hurtled up the stairs, followed closely by Niamh and Mika.  Ron and Hermione suddenly appeared out of seemingly nowhere and Ron asked, “What’s going on?”

“There’s a singing midget (here he glared at Niamh) after Harry,” replied Mika.

“I’ve got a musical message to deliver to ‘Arry Potter in person!” yelled the dwarf in a loud voice.  Harry groaned and decided to take whatever was coming.  He stepped down a few steps and said loudly, “I’m Harry Potter.”

The dwarf shoved its way up the stairs and growled, “Here is your singing valentine:

His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,

His hair is as dark as a blackhoard.

I wish he were mine, he’s really divine,

The hero who conquered the Dark Lord.”

The dwarf then turned and marched off, leaving them alone in the corridor with the snickering that followed Harry’s singing valentine.  Harry simply shrugged, shouldered his bag, and turned to walk down to DADA.  As he did, he swore he spotted a blushing Ginny hunkering down behind two of her dormmates.  He smiled at them as he walked past.

Absently he wondered what everyone would think of him if they knew his father was actually the most hated teacher in the school.

/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/

“So, Potter.  I heard you got a singing valentine this morning.  From one of your many admirers.”

Harry looked up at Draco from the potions books he had snitched from his father’s immense collection in his office and drawled, “Well, a’ leas’ mine was written by a true poet.”

Across the common room Pansy flushed and turned away as Draco turned red.

“You had better watch yourself, Potter.  Not even a snake could save you from the tortures I could plan for you.”

Harry laughed harshly and spat, “I doan need the help o’ a snake ter ge’ away from ye, Malfoy.  After all, I am a snake meself.”  He made a hissing sound through his teeth and narrowed his eyes imperiously at Draco.  The blond backed away quickly and walked over to sit with Pansy by the fire.  Mika come over a moment later and flopped down in the chair across from Harry.  He asked, “What did you do to Malfoy?  I haven’t seen him that scared since he woke up and found his broomstick gone.”

Harry chuckled at the memory of an earlier prank of theirs and repeated his conversation with Draco, which set Mika into gales of laughter.

“You hissed at him?  Oh, bravo, Harry, bravo.”

Harry bowed mockingly and said, “Thank ye, thank ye,” which set the two of them to laughing all the more.

“Oi, you cackling hyenas.  Look at what I found.”

Harry and Mika looked up at Niamh, who was holding a small black book out to them.  The covers were drenched and were spattering water all over the rug-covered floor.

Niamh flopped down in another chairs and tossed the book on a small table that sat inbetween them.

“I found that in the girl’s toilet on the second floor.  Somebody tried to flush it.”

Mika frowned and asked, “Why would someone want to flush a book?”

Niamh shrugged.  “Who knows?  Strange thing is, the covers are drenched but the pages are perfectly dry.  And – not to mention it – completely blank.”

“Strange,” commented Harry as he peered at the book.  He was getting a very weird feeling from it.